You want to know what it truly takes to get over your EX? It definitely isn’t going to happen if you keep texting him – period.
Think of it this way – if you’ve been back and forth off and on texting an EX for three months post break-up, you’re at a -30 in the moving on process – whether you think so or not. Emotionally, it does nothing but retain old memories and emotions you once had – like a snake, it slithers back and opens up old wounds.
Why do you even HAVE his number still in your phone? “BuT wE’rE fRiEnDs..”
Ending on good terms or not – the point is allowing yourself time and separation in order to fully heal. There will be none of that when temptation is merely two taps away on your phone, or sitting in your imessages.
So unless you’re bold and brave by deleting his number from your phone post break-up, then there are far more obstacles for you to hurdle. But if you just can’t push yourself to hit DELETE, there’s a tip I learned from a similar experience of one of my friends. She texted me, “I just had to send you a text so that I didn’t make the dumb decision of texting my EX – again.”
With that, I stand by saying,
When you feel the urge to text him, text your mother instead.
*Or a friend, cousin, brother, sister – whoever. Anyone but him.
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Here’s the thing: I’m not really an advocate for getting back together once you’ve exchanged the words “I’m done..”, “We’re over..” or “I don’t love you anymore..”.
I never got back together with an EX twice over, because I believe if it was meant to work out it would have without having to end the relationship. That that meant only one thing, which I reveal later on in this post.
But that’s just me.
I know people make mistakes, and if you haven’t gathered… we make really, really stupid and irrational mistakes, too. Therefore, getting back together twice over would need to be COMPLETELY mutual without this back and forth game of cat and mouse I see waaaay too often. Breakups really do unleash the already prevalent emotional immaturity of many.
[Related Read: 4 Truths To Getting Over A Breakup – Turning It Into A Blessing]
So, if you were to honestly ask yourself, “Why am I texting him? What am I hoping for? What do I want out of it? What happens if I get my hopes up, or don’t get what I want from it – then what?”, I guarantee you would have a pretty valid answer to help keep you from doing it.
But there is always the drawback of desire being worth the risk – right? Unfortunately, if you rely too much on desire (which isn’t always beneficial to us), we fail to learn the lesson from heartache and struggle tenfold in letting go.
So, girl, please – do not text your EX. And here are 11 reasons why.
11 Reasons to stop texting your EX – do. not. respond!
The random, quick “Hey”, “How are you?” texts are not what you [want to] think
He’s not saying he wants to get back together. Don’t over-analyze it.
Granted, you think it took guts – it was a ballsy move on his part. Honestly, texts like that are nothing short of a peeping Tom. He is just as likely being nosy as he is oblivious to the unintended message it sends you. Men are far less likely to read between the lines in a message like that – so, what he says he literally means.
Sure, he may be looking for the satisfaction of your reply and that he is still worth the fuss in your mind, but he may genuinely want to know how you are doing (with zero emotional ties whatsoever). Men can simply feel “guilty” or “bad”, too, you know.
Notice I also said random and quick. If he’s only sending you a short generic well-being checkup once a month, or the conversation quickly subsides the moment you make your grand, overthought or word-one reply, he’s only trying to make sure he still has your attention – more frankly, that you’re mad or upset “at him” – even if that’s by the skin of his teeth.
Going too deep will be the killer and moving on will be 10x harder
You want to be friends, you say. You want to stay in touch in order to keep the peace or remain civil. You figure, “Why can’t we? We were special to one another, and still are…” Well, that day may subside when he announces in conversation that he’s going to see his favorite band with a new bae. Or another “friend” – undisclosed until you find out later, another chick.
Regardless of the “situation” or promise of friendship, if you’re in consistent contact with an EX post break-up there’s no way residual feelings won’t cause you to fuss when you finally get wind that he is seeing someone else. Or, more blatantly, that he’s able and willing to.
Envy comes in many forms – even if you say you no longer have feelings for him. It may be the fact that he no longer chooses you and you want what you no longer have – stability, commitment and love. You’re no longer the first person he calls, no longer the first thought he has in the morning, and you’re no longer priority in terms of his consideration for your feelings. Let’s be real, here.
For those who will say, “I’m over him,” yet still feel the need to creepily spy on his new prospect’s social media account, you are literally setting yourself on FIRE. Over him or not, you care. You care because you were once his representation of the perfect girl, his soulmate or “wifey” material, and it merely bothers you that has since expired.
I get it – that stings. But hoping for that boost of self esteem by gathering a surface level comparison isn’t going to give you any more clarity in moving on. Whether she’s worse or better looking in your eyes, or is more or less successful than you – it’s the fact that someone else has filled your shoes, or that he has simply found a different taste in another pair.
In the end, this holds true to your longing sense of security and bitterness toward his newfound happiness. Granted, it can ultimately mean you still care, but more so that you still have feelings you are consciously holding onto. By setting yourself up for the inevitable will only make the struggle of moving on more difficult for the one person left dissatisfied – that’s you. So take your hand off the burning, hot stove already!
Rehashing the break-up issue isn’t going to change anything
So he lied, cheated, did something unforgivable or refused to commit on a serious level – ultimately ending the relationship. This does not mean it’s fair game to turn up the dial or play the rated-X version of the game because you’re now not a couple, and it definitely won’t make him see the light any brighter than before (if that’s what you’re thinking).
No matter how much you badger him into thinking he’s a low life POS scum of this earth – that isn’t going to turn on that light bulb in his head. In fact, he will likely run in the opposite direction. You will only dig yourself in a deeper hole than before (by way of self-sabotage and emotional turmoil), and create further havoc down the road for your future relationships.
Don’t try to fix him, or an issue that may no longer be relevant to his life anymore…. or yours. Focus on YOU. He has to be willing to fix himself, and only he can do that.
While an apology might be all you need, it doesn’t magically make everything all right
Classic: you both break up, then maybe days or weeks later he admittedly apologizes.
For what? He may never specify, or he’s only apologizing indirectly (not sincerely or without taking personal accountability). Maybe he does finally muster up an apology and admits he is in the wrong.
Does that really make the situation any better? Does that smooth over the outcome for you?
Either way, a sorry is just a sorry, and the fact it has to come post break-up has far too many meanings. Like immaturity, selfishness, reluctance to commit when the times get tough and a lack of respect for communication during the relationship. Sure, we can all come to a later realization and epiphany once slept on, but none of it will change the epicenter to what caused and ultimately lead to the breakup.
It mostly shows the low value he holds towards the relationship. That a “sorry” wasn’t in the works, or in existence, while committed to the relationship. Remember the whole actions speak louder than words. If he didn’t want to take action during the relationship, and all he has to muffle is an apology post break-up – you’re risk setting yourself up in a bad cycle by diving back in to the same situation all over again.
That being said – change by actions is the best apology.
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Don’t misinterpret the late night texts as “I miss you”
For the Love of God – if you believe that for a second, please – right now – take your phone and drop it into the toilet. Just because you know him doesn’t mean you forget that he’s also a guy. If his only spare moment to send you a lovey-dovey, kissy-face text is late at night, he has high hopes for something in particular that has nothing to do with getting back together, let alone missing you. Meaning, zero strings attached, he wants you in a way he knows you *probably* struggle to decline.
All due to tension, distance, physical distance, and the heat of frustrations piling on in the form of now sexual frustration.
Hello? Break-up sex? Mind you – not the same as make-up sex. They’re totally different. Bear that one in mind.
So just don’t go there.
If he “unfriends” you, that’s not him trying to engage you
If he unfriends you, he unfriends you. We can argue that this would make sense on a level of him not wanting you to have “access” to his life moving forward, buttttttt that just means he’s looking to keep his life secret moving forward. Take what you will from that one.
Sure, it strikes a nerve when it happens – modern dating focuses much deeper on Facebook statuses, friend requests, tagged photos and lovey-dovey posts on each other’s feed these days. Social media has a way of entitling us to certain access to people’s lives 24/7. I mean, before IG, FB, myspace and the like….you had no idea what was going on behind closed doors, except from hearsay or mutual friends.
Point blank, he doesn’t want to see what’s going on in your life, nor does he want your eyes creepily judging his whereabouts. You know, through location check-ins, tagged photos and posts, etc.. It’s as simple as that – he’s a free man to do what he wants, like it or not.
The idea is to separate yourselves emotionally – that is, after all, what a break-up entails. He’s not aiming to spark your fuse or test your limits – it really is more so for his and your sanity. So why lose your mind over the matter? You might have been hoping for a different outcome (that he really wasn’t over the relationship), and this being your confirmation that he wants to move on or has ulterior motives he wants to remain private. Yes, that might involve someone else being in the picture.
At that point, this might be what causes you to spill over in denial. Say you stay friends on social media – are you honestly prepared to hold yourself up as you see him checking into bars every weekend, responding to flirty comments with flirtatiousness, or seeing him tagged in photos with another woman on his timeline?
I’ve always lived with the motto of: out of sight, out of mind (for the most part, so to speak). If you can’t see what’s going on in his life – you won’t be given the opportunity to create accusations or forced to bear unnecessary torment.
Just because you bumped into each other randomly, doesn’t mean it’s fate
I can only shake my head and laugh the multiple times I’ve had friends tell me, “I saw Bill from afar at the gym the other day. Do you think he purposely came at the same time as me? It’s been a minute – he probably wanted to see if I still looked good. You think maybe all of that is a sign? Maybe seeing each other unannounced is our fate at a second chance. I should text him.”
No. No, no, no.
If he has yet to reach out to you post break up, and this being the one opportune time he had to talk to you in person, that doesn’t call for making accusations of him readily wanting you back. TBH, if it was fate, he would have fought to make the relationship work prior to the breakup, OR he would have given you a clear indication when he saw you that day that he is not over the relationship. Coincidence is not it.
Like I’ve said before – if he wanted to get back together, there would be no silent treatment or game of cat and mouse.
Closure, or concrete closure, is rather pointless post breakup
I can understand the brutality of a breakup – it’s entirety didn’t go so well, leaving you or both in this open-ended state of not knowing if you’re still together. Maybe there was still much you wanted to say that you didn’t, or questions were left unanswered in your mind.
I knew I wasn’t going to get within a mile’s reach of closure in my last long-term relationship. In fact, I made the effort in gaining closure even before the breakup, which ended up leaving a huge weight of even more questions and doubt on my shoulders. It was impossible to get anything in or out of the relationship, and there was simply no two-way street.
I cut the cord on that relationship knowing the likelihood of never getting proper closure. TBH, there came a point I just didn’t care anymore – closure didn’t even matter. The entire relationship made me realize one thing: I had enough to know that I deserved so much better than to feel the way I did, and I no longer cared to know his reasoning or feelings.
Isn’t that the point of closure – to have clarity of a reasoning (on the other side) for the relationship to end? Seriously though – why do we need it if we were unhappy, blinded-sided, cheated on, lied to or left entirely disappointed in the relationship? All that matters is knowing you deserve someone who won’t make you question their motives, reasoning or feelings.
Trust me, if you have to question your breakup in order to move on, then you have all the closure you need right there – he didn’t value you or the relationship in the first place.
[Related Read: Why Transparency Creates Thriving Relationships]
By texting him, you may be coming off less attractive [in his eyes]
Let me rephrase that – by less attractive, I mean he perceives you in a way – needy, desperate, lonely, self conscious, vulnerable and emotionally unstable – than how you actually are.
Again, that doesn’t mean you are those things. When really you’re just heart broken, wanting some answers, trying to make amends, expressing your feelings (that you miss them), or salvaging what you can of the relationship.
After having ended my two year relationship, months later – coincidentally when I was dating someone else – he started texting me connnnstantly. It was in that short period I saw him in a truly different light. And not in a positive one. I was turned off completely by this change in him, his mindset and way of (intrusively) trying to pursue me over and over. I guess you could confirm I was really over him at that point. So it’s safe to say that break-ups can actually change people – and not always for the better from the other side.
The battle of wanting to gouge his eyes out to then taking him back like nothing happened – that’s self betrayal
While all of those angry and painful emotions are completely normal and valid in ending a relationship, they can also get you in trouble. They can also bring regret, remorse, temptation, irrationality and swaying misconceptions.
For example, you spend one day in a fit rage over the fact he lied to you, then the next you’re contemplating in remorse and wonder if things would be different if you had simply done this, or said that. Maybe you’re questioning if you simply overreacted or that the entire break up was your fault.
There’s that little devilish voice on your shoulder whose goal is to bring you to your lowest, most fragile point, to create confusion and deception, and to keep you there.
That’s self-betrayal – don’t do that to yourself.
[Related Read: Why women with self worth have more successful relationships]
He’s an EX for one good reason, and you keep ignoring that fact
If he’s your EX, that’s one obvious reason he shouldn’t have you. No matter who broke up with who.
If he’s an EX, then he was meant to be a lesson. Most of all, it is your conscious sign that the relationship didn’t meet a certain standard in your life or that it was no longer serving you. Oftentimes we ignore the fact that some of the most painful relationships end because they embody what we want but not what we need.
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