There’s a movement in the dating community that involves showing up more authentically, unapologetically and even ruthlessly honest rather than focusing on making a good impression on a date.
Young people are here for it because focusing on being their authentic self also means less, over-exaggerated performance. And while I totally get the positives of this approach to dating, we’re kind of doing away with why it’s still important to make a good impression on a date.
We actually don’t need to compromise one for the other – I believe it’s very possible to still do…both!
The problem is we tend to associate making a good impression with selling our very *best* selves, like in a sales pitch, and this can seem or come across as fake or disingenuous. It should be more like putting our best foot forward, where the aim is to present ourselves more favorably yet realistically, not perfectly.
When we focus too much on a date being about hyper-positive first impressions, it’s possible to lose sight of things like compatibility, partnership, an emotional connection and…well…being human.
Do we expect perfection on a first date to consider a second, third or fourth? Typically not, I’d say, so why should we sway so far to the other side of the pendulum that says, “This is my worst – accept it, or piss off!”?
Being your authentic self and to make a good impression doesn’t mean minimizing your flaws or less-than-desirable attributes, traits, quirks and so on. It doesn’t mean pretending they don’t exist. Making a good impression on a date also doesn’t mean curating this perfect version of yourself to ensure someone likes and accepts you.
To make a good impression simply means putting forth effort, consideration and care, not being blatantly ignorant of our shortcomings, failures, setbacks, personal struggles and imperfection.
How to be your authentic self and still make a good impression on a date
Dress for the occasion that still fits your style
Nobody is telling you to wear the prom dress or to ditch your unique style in order to appease the likes of another. We’re simply saying to dress appropriately in accordance with your style.
Making a good impression on a date says, “I took the time to pick my attire because this is a special occasion (aka, this date is important, its elevated and more than just ‘any other day or time’).”
This means not showing up to dinner in what you wore to the gym, or wearing something that totally contradicts the planned date activity (like heels and a sundress to go rock climbing). You feel me?
Brushing your teeth and hair isn’t asking “too much”
Have we forgotten the hygeinic part??? We just going to brush over that bit – er, lack thereof – as we heavily open-mouth breathe loud and proud, “Your opinion of me doesn’t matterrrrrr!“
But in the case of you wanting another date with that person – yes, in fact, their opinion actually does matter.
In most cases, when someone makes the claim that their date ‘showed up looking and smelling homeless‘…they’re not shaming those who legitimately lack the resources, they’re pointing out the fact their date does and still decided the date wasn’t worth the bare minimum.
Let’s not play dumb, showing up to the date is merely a small part. You ought to show up in more ways than one, and that’s not asking for too much.
To make a good impression, one of the easiest things is to not look like you just got out of bed or have rank breath that makes dead rat sewage soup smell better.
Being presentable, or going out of your norm to be, isn’t somehow in opposition of your authentic self. Nobody would dare show up to a job interview looking like they just went dumpster diving even if Oscar the Grouch is their spirit Sesame Street character.
We all have days we don’t brush our hair, skip or forget brushing our teeth and even look like the literal zombie apocalypse…but that doesn’t mean we should want to present that as the encouraged, acceptable, and *healthy* norm.
Having basic manners is not compromising your individuality
When I think of the movement that’s just all like, “F-it -[peels back every onion layer] – this is who I really am,” part of me hopes we’re not talking about, things like, the way we eat when we’re alone, open-mouth slurping, chewing and sucking down our food like we’ve haven’t eaten in days.
Listen, as someone who has been married 10 years, I’d be lying from my rear if I said I don’t eat like that in front of my husband. But there’s a time and place, okay?? A date, who knows nothing about you or you them, and when you’re eating in public with this very person, is not that time and place.
Having basic manners means we got to know when to control or dial in the muck – our ick. This – sorry, you’ll never convince me – does not somehow forfeit your identity. For instance, you can still be your funny, goofy self…. but tone down the obscenities or sexual undertones.
A big part of basic manners is common respect, and not just for the other person but also yourself. For instance, hopefully you wouldn’t call your date a fat-ass for what they order off the menu, which means you wouldn’t refer to yourself as one.
It’s become normative to behave in certain ways or use certain language – joking or not – in our culture and claiming it’s not disrespectful, inappropriate or offensive because of its intended use or altered meaning. These are often tied to or justified as ‘being our authentic selves‘.
A legitimate example I heard once was, “Sorry, I can be pretty assertively rude at times – it’s just who I am.” Yeahhhhhh, that’s not a flex, that’s a red flag.
The point I’m making is that there are plenty of things about ourselves (that we may have accepted as normal or tied to our identity and personality) that are still considered unappealing, undesirable, off-putting, offensive and disrespectful. We shouldn’t necessarily be led by our negative qualities nor proudly display them freely and openly.
Have a manner if you want to make a good impression, my people, especially on a date.
Let them see the real you without giving the full-width view of you
No where does it say to not be yourself on a date. I’m a Millennial and even I always grew up hearing, “Just be yourself!” and I’d think, “Yeah, ok, but the problem is I’m weird and awkward!“
I know that’s usually the go-to for adults to say to their children, for example, because parents typically see right through their offspring’s faults and flaws and, therefore, avoid elevating them.
I get it – the REAL you does, in fact, have faults and flaws. And the real me also has faults, flaws, shortcomings, mistakes, quirks, less-than-appealing traits and poor habits.
I don’t believe that to make a good impression on a date you must outshine your faults and flaws with a positive, idealistic performance. As if anything remotely negative is off-limits! That’s not natural.
Again, we’re all human living the human experience – we’re not robots. I believe a good first impression is letting someone see the real you – the real you that was excited for the date yet also shared the terrible day you had at work without it effecting the vibe of the date (since you were mentally well enough to show up).
But they don’t need the full-width view – where you go on a tangent gossiping about the co-worker you have beef with, meanwhile bringing up how much you hate your job, wishing your boss would croak, and how many times you threaten to quit.
You know what I mean? It’s more than okay to want someone to see the real you, just maybe refrain from unleashing the version of you on steroids.
You’re on a date, not in a therapy session
How many dates wind up not working out because one person can’t seem to let their EX or previous relationship be bygone? Funnily enough, so many people think a first date is the most realistic time to hash out ex-relationship details.
We’re also bringing up and making our individual traumas a major part of the conversation and decision-making – that being your authentic self means being transparent about your personal wounds.
If you ask me, to make a good impression on a date, you really want to avoid doing the thing we know we’re not supposed to do in the self-healing world…which is trauma-dumping.
Moreover, it seems like recent generations aim to know that their date has done or is doing the work (aka, gone or going to therapy). What ever happened to not making a date into an interrogation or assessment of right or wrong checklists?
Again, there’s an appropriate time and place without bulldozing your date, and many out there are riding in on excavators. To make a good impression doesn’t necessarily mean you never acknowledge the ghost of relationship’s past or wounds you’re healing, but don’t let talk of your traumas permeate or the ghost haunt the entire date.
Your date is not your therapist and you’re not in a therapy session, so it’s important not to treat your date like one.