You want to know truly how to get over your EX? It ain’t gonna happen by continuing whatever it is you’re doing. Think of it this way – if you’ve been back and forth off and on texting an EX for three months post break-up, you’re at a -30 in the moving on process.
Why do you even HAVE his number still in your phone? Ending on good terms or not – the point is not setting yourself up for that unnecessary temptation.
So unless you’re bold and brave by deleting his number from your phone post break-up, then there’s far more obstacles to hurdle for you. But if you just can’t push yourself to hit the DELETE, there’s a tip I learned from the similar experience of one of my good friends.
Or, as my friend had said when I opened up her text, “I literally just had to send you this text so that I didn’t make the dumb decision of texting my EX – again.”
With that, I stand by saying,
When you feel the urge to text him, text your mother instead.
Or a friend, cousin, brother, sister – whatever. Anyone but him.
Here’s the thing: I’m not really an advocate for getting back together once you’ve exchanged the words “I’m done”, “We’re over”, “I don’t love you”, or “I can’t do this anymore – it’s over”. I never got back together with an EX twice over, because I believe if it was meant to work out it would work without having to go as far as wanting to “end” it. Because ending a relationship to me meant only one thing – which I reveal later on.
But that’s just me. People make mistakes. And we make dumb mistakes, too. But, if a relationship is truly meant to be, getting back together post break-up will be completely mutual, and won’t EVER be a back and forth game of cat and mouse.
So, if you were to honestly ask yourself, “Why am I texting him? What am I hoping for? What do I want out of it? What happens if I get my hopes up, or don’t get what I want from it? Then what?”, I guarantee you would have your answer every time to help keep you from doing it.
Plus, there are plenty of reasons not to text your EX, why you’ll regret doing so in the first place and ways to lessen the urge when you find out the real reason he’s texting you post break-up.
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Do Not Text Your EX, Text Your Mother Instead
Those random, quick “Hey”, “How are you?” texts aren’t what you think they are
He’s not saying he wants to get back together. Don’t over-analyze it.
Granted, you think it took guts for him to make the first move, but honestly – texts like that are nothing of that extent. He is merely looking for the satisfaction of your reply, that he is “worth the fuss“, and that he’s still got his A-game.
Notice I said random and quick. If he’s only sending you a short text once a month, or the conversation quickly subsides the moment you make your grand response, he’s only trying to make sure he still has your attention – even if that’s by the skin of his teeth.
The day you ask too many questions will be the killer, and moving on will be 10x harder
You want to be friends, you say. You want to “stay in touch” in order to keep the peace. Well, that day may never come when you are in the midst of talking about your weekend plans and he announces that he’s going to see his favorite band with his new bae.
It doesn’t matter the situation within the relationship – if you’re in consistent contact with an EX, there’s no absolute way you wouldn’t make a fuss over your EX being with someone else. Even if you don’t verbalize it, you internalize it, which still means you aren’t moving on. And setting yourself up for the inevitable will only make the struggle of moving on more difficult for the one person left dissatisfied – and that’s you.
Rehashing the issue that caused the break-up isn’t going to change anything
So he lied, cheated, did something unforgivable or refuses the take the commitment seriously – ultimately ending the relationship. This does not mean it’s fair game to turn up the dial or play the rated-X version of the game, and it definitely won’t make him see the light any brighter than before (if that’s what you’re thinking).
You’re bound to dig yourself in a deeper hole than before, and creating further tension and havoc down the road for your future relationships. Don’t try and fix him, or an issue that is no longer relevant to your life – fix yourself.
He has to be willing to fix himself, and only he can.
While an apology might be all you needed to hear before, it doesn’t magically make everything all right now
The classic: you break up, then maybe days or weeks later he admittedly apologizes. For what – he may never specify, or he’s apologizing for something non-relative. Either way, a sorry is just a sorry, and the fact it has to come post break-up has far too many meanings: immaturity, selfishness, and lack of respect for communication during the relationship.
It mostly shows the low value he holds towards the relationship in itself, and holding onto it.
Remember the whole actions speak louder than words ordeal. If he didn’t want to take action during the relationship, and all he has to muffle is an apology post break-up – you’re setting yourself up in a bad cycle by diving back in.
Don’t misinterpret the late night texts as an “I miss you”
For the Love of God – if you believe that for a second, please, right now take your phone and drop it into the toilet. Just because you know him doesn’t mean you forget that he’s a guy, which any guy who sends random lovey-dovey, kissy-face texts late at night has his high hopes for something.
Especially in the circumstances of tension, distance, physical distance, and the heat of frustrations piling on in the form of now sexual frustration.
Hello? Break-up sex? Mind you – not the same as make-up sex. Totally different. Bear that one in mind.
So just don’t go there.
If he “unfriends” you, that’s not him trying to engage you
If he unfriends you, he unfriends you. It’s more than likely him not out with vengeance or to spite you (maybe some, but spell that one out as immaturity while you’re at it). Is that someone you really want to be with?
Sure, it strikes a nerve when it happens – modern dating focuses much harder on Facebook statuses and friend requests these days. But really, it’s because he has simply made the rationalized decision that,
“Well, we broke up. We should probably not bore ourselves into each other’s personal lives anymore.”
Granted, maybe not so fancily spoken. But you catch my drift.
The idea is to separate yourselves emotionally – that is, after all, what a break-up entails. He’s not aiming to spark your fuse or test your limits – he’s doing this more so for his and your sanity.
Are you honestly prepared to hold yourself up as you see him checking into bars every weekend night, the day he changes his status to “in a relationship with…”, or seeing him tagged in photos with another woman on his timeline? Nobody is right out of a break-up. But we do it anyway to seek righteous self validation.
Take it as the simple sign that he is clearly moving on, as you should work towards that way, too. When you don’t visually see what’s going on in his personal life every moment of the day (through social media), you’ll gradually less have the urge to find out, or even care.
Just because you bumped into each other randomly, doesn’t mean you now have a clean slate
I can only shake my head and laugh the multiple times I’ve had friends tell me, “I saw _____ at the gym the other day. Do you think he purposely came at the same time as me? He probably wanted to see if I was over him. Pff, he looked pretty miserable himself. He asked me how I was “holding up”, and if I was seeing anyone else? You think maybe all of that is a sign? Maybe seeing each other unannounced is our fate at a second chance. I should text him.”
No. You know what is fate of a clean slate and him wanting that second chance? Him fighting against breaking up – period – to make the relationship work, OR him giving you a clear indication that he is not over the relationship and wants to make the relationship work.
Like I’ve said before – if he wants to get back together, he wouldn’t play the game of cat and mouse.
Closure, or concrete closure, is pointless post break-up
I can understand the brutality of a break-up – it’s entirety didn’t go so well, leaving you or both in this open-ended state of, “I don’t know where we left things off – not sure how he feels or what his intentions are in all of this – I just know we’re definitely not together.” Or maybe you’re not sure if you’re even over.
From personal experience, I couldn’t even get within a mile’s reach of closure, let alone healthy communication, in one of my long-term past relationships. Every effort I made felt like a 10 pound weight piling onto my shoulders. It became simply impossible to get anything in or out of the relationship. I don’t think there was ever a two-way street approach, now that I think back.
It got to a point where I had taken on so much weight to where I just couldn’t move and didn’t know which direction to go. I was blind, and alone. Emotionally, and even psychologically, I felt trapped in a box – he couldn’t hear me or see me, but I could him – and when given the next opportunity, I took it. Without a single thought in my mind, the only thing I knew left to do was to cut the cord. That doing so was the only way of freeing myself. And all of that weight (resolved or not) had lifted, and I suddenly just didn’t care anymore.
I’ll never forget that day – my mind had never been so clear. It’s that experience which completely changed my life and the way I managed my relationships thereafter.
To put it simply, getting a second dose of that closure (that was a hit and miss the first time around) is just going to be torture. Oddly enough, some are OK with this form of torture, and end up successfully getting their closure – yet, are now pushed back even further in the moving on process because of it.
Either way, whatever it was in your relationship that got you to this point got you to this exact point. And that’s never a good thing. If you left a relationship without that closure (or are unsure of the status to begin with), what defends it as being an open, honest, strong and healthy relationship from that?
Trust me, you have all the closure you need – with or without it.
By texting him, you’re only coming off less attractive to him
Let me rephrase that – by less attractive, I mean that he is seeing you in the way that you perceive yourself. Needy, desperate, lonely, self conscious, vulnerable and emotionally unstable.
And that perception can work both ways.
In one relationship I ended, he continually texted me thereafter (for months). And in a short time, it made me see him in a truly different light, and not in a positive way. So it’s safe to say that break-ups can change people – and not always for the better.
The fighting battle of anger, to longing and hurt, then the need to hear his voice – that’s your self denial talking
And while all of those emotions are completely normal in ending a relationship, they’re the ones that will get you in trouble. They can bring on regret, remorse, temptation and swaying perceptions.
For example, how you spend one day in a fit rage over the fact he lied to you, then contemplate in remorse the next, wondering if things would be different if you had simply done this, or that.
Don’t do that to yourself.
Your self denial, or lack of self worth, is the little devil on your shoulder telling you all the things you shouldn’t hear. None of it changes the fact you are where you are, and the only way to rid of self denial is gaining more self worth. Read more on why women with self worth have more successful relationships.
He’s an EX for one damn good reason, and you keep ignoring that fact
If he’s your EX, there’s an obvious reason he shouldn’t have you. If he’s an EX, then he was simply a lesson learned. And most of all, if he’s an EX, then that is your conscious sign that you deserve better. Whether you broke it off, he broke it off or if it was entirely mutual.
Stop ignoring that fact, or over-analyzing it for what it is.
If he’s an EX, take that as your step towards a better you for a better next. Become a BITCH. And no, not that kind of bitch. Learn how to become a Babe In Total Control of Herself by reading my full book review of my favorite dating prophecy – Why Men Love Bitches.
P.S. text your mom.