We can’t deny this is true, that we (at least, in America and probably most European nations) live in this increasing “new-age” of hyper-independence. And this is reflected in many aspects of our lives – through our lifestyle [habits, commitments, priorities], ideology [thinking, beliefs], upbringing [conditioning], career, relationships, and even how we simply treat others in general. As individuals, this makes us less reliable, with the exception to ourselves. I hate to say we are becoming more self-focused, but we’re doing so at the expense of real, human connection with others.
And yet we still preach the importance of all-the-things in relationships that can only exist and thrive outside of this hyper-independent mindset. So the thought of transparency today likely scares the living daylights out of people. In fact, it is like standing in the threshold of light, and many can’t even fathom. Yet we are so accustomed now to masking, shielding, and hiding parts of ourselves and against critical aspects in relationships as in order to avoid all-the-things like rejection, consequences, weakness, pain and affliction.
To be transparent literally means to be exposed. How does that make you feel? If your initial response is “uncomfortable” or “uneasy” – you need to keep reading. Then make sure you read Part 2 of this post.
Transparency is the REAL #couplesgoals of relationships and marriage. Some may even have trouble being transparent with themselves, which can make the entire process of creating transparency in relationships more difficult or seemingly impossible.
Truthfully, I don’t think transparency is something we are taught as much as it is something we learn to embrace through experience. This won’t come as easy or natural to many, because being transparent is definitely not our focus in light of relationships. Our goal tends to center around the kind of fulfillment where we pick and choose what our partner has access to, not laying our entirety out on the table in the name of long-term stability, safety, connection and intimacy.
So if transparency is an issue for you, then intimacy is included. And without transparency, intimacy cannot thrive let alone exist.
Why transparency is the REAL couple’s goals [Part 1]
there’s less secrecy and more honesty
Secrecy is not the same as privacy. We hide behind our Facebook feeds, bank accounts, Insta DMs, Snapchats, phone codes, and passwords to our email and social media. We hide our weirdest, darkest sexual fantasies, gross habits, thoughts, dreams, or addictions. We hide our faults, flaws, secrets, wrongdoings, mistakes, and negative qualities within.
We constantly hide behind ourselves. We should be asking ourselves why, and why you allow fear the chance to come between relationships. We are afraid of not being seen, understood or accepted beyond all of those flaws, faults, secrets, and mistakes. We struggle with rejection, criticism, and judgment, but we also fear being controlled and our privacy being taken for granted. In the end, we’re more comfortable hiding, even at the expense of authentic connection.
When you’re more transparent through honesty about who you are, and that you have nothing to hide or withhold, not only are you unveiling your willingness to commit on a deeper level but you also have the understanding that who you are won’t be for everyone but that transparency through your authentic self will be valued, respected, cherished and accepted by someone.
it builds trust
There’s one thing I think we confuse with trust (especially in new relationships). We are often told two different sides of the scale: that [1] trust must be given freely, but that once it is broken trust is then earned, or [2] that trust is earned from the beginning, period. While I can respect either side, I believe trust should be rewarding for couples, not something to dangle over one’s head. That with trust in new relationships, transparency should run parallel. Because if we fully trust the person we are with, it means we are willing to peel back our sensitive layers and be more open and vulnerable to deepening that trust.
Transparency is a process – its not a light switch we can expect to turn on overnight. It may take require intention (through discomfort), and more grace and patience. But the willingness to be transparent must be mutual! When we realize the sole benefits of being transparent, we can begin to notice the motivation to building on the pillars of the relationship. If the trust has been broken, transparency likely wasn’t as clear [authentic] as it should be, or it didn’t exist at all.
more openness and receptiveness
If we were to give transparency the most basic definition it would be sincere openness and receptiveness. That means we remain more open with the most personal aspects of ourselves – our lives, decisions, boundaries, motives, intentions, tendencies, habits, flaws and faults, thoughts, and all the feelings with it (the good, bad, and the downright ugly).
Openness and receptiveness aren’t just about the tangible aspects we can control, but also the emotional side – our cognitive privacy. You know – our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and that little inner voice that consumes our souls.
Those who struggle with transparency are also likely to struggle with the following on the giving and receiving end: commitment, intimacy and self-connection, relationship stability (long-term), communication, trust and self-trust, respect and self-respect, self-love, and the list goes on.
So if you aren’t fully letting your partner IN, then you are essentially shutting them OUT one way or another.
Enables a deeper level of intimacy (in-to-me-see)
Without transparency, intimacy cannot thrive let alone exist.
Couples who make all forms of intimacy a priority in their relationship are usually those who are able to express their feelings, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, concerns, dreams, faults and flaws with their SO, and find comfort in doing so.
Struggling with that level of intimacy? Transparency can help open that door. It’s about allowing your SO to see the side no one but you gets to see. It’s about making that emotional side of yourself vulnerable (the side that is deathly afraid of being hurt or disappointed) – exposing that vulnerability (often disguised as fear, shame or guilt) to your SO – and embracing that side.