Are there instances where breaking up over text makes the most sense? Absolutely, but they should be a last-ditch effort…not the norm.
It would be hypocritical of me to condemn breakup texts when even I ended one of my previous long-term relationships over text message. To be fair, the breaking up part felt like it lasted weeks or months, and my final, “I’m done,” breakup text – with nothing to follow thereafter – was like the nail in an already prepared coffin.
Before that, I broke up with a 3+ year relationship over Facebook DM. Take your pick as to which is worse. But I’m here to shed some light on my personal reasons (at the time) as to why I went the route of breaking up over text and what it has taught me.
Breakup texts are overrated – here are 3 reasons why
As always, the thoughts, insights, beliefs and opinions expressed throughout this post are my own. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!
Breakup texts are low-grade behavior
Simple as that. It’s as low-grade as cutting someone in line at the check out in a grocery store. I know that sounds like an awful comparison, but let’s unpack it a bit more.
What constitutes as low-grade behavior? Could it be any behavior that lacks or dismisses common sense and decency? What about anything that ignores basic right from wrong?
Personally, low-grade behavior means I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t do it, yet I do, anyway. I have full understanding of the effects, but I have chosen to elevate myself without recognition of accountability. It’s heavy on the Me over Thee mentality and way of living.
Listen, as I’ve stated, there are extreme circumstances where ending a relationship abruptly and in the most passive form (i.e., ghosting or sending that breakup text) may be *necessary*. And while the relationship I was in was hectic – from all the arguing and toxic behavior between us – I still don’t believe it justified a breakup text.
And I remember it distinctly, as I pushed Send and watched the text bubble appear on my screen, I realized this was definitely the wrong way to go about ending that relationship. I felt it, like a wave of instant guilt rushing over me because here I was closing the book on a two-year long relationship in mere seconds and with only a few words. Whether he saw it coming or not, I also knew sending that breakup text took away his opportunity to prepare or plea his case.
At the same time, I knew with intention this was coming from left field, and that was also my point. I wanted it to hit, hit hard, and stick.
As quickly as the text was sent, that wave of guilt was immediately washed over with relief – if I’m being honest, the kind of relief that simply didn’t care to consider how he would feel. I certainly had zero intention of hearing him out or allowing him to have a final word.
I knew the ship was sinking, but I refused to go down with it (so to speak). For more than six months I endured this ship’s failing despite ongoing efforts to keep it afloat. In the end, I was exhausted of anything left in me. I simply wanted the easy out and a quick getaway.
Still, in that moment, sending that breakup text felt like stabbing him in the back and running, even if breaking up was ultimately the best thing for our relationship.
He didn’t get to hear my voice or look me in the eye when I say what needed to be said, and there was absolutely no compassion or empathy through visual and audible tone, body language and facial expression (to know that I genuinely did care about the relationship and wanted what was best for the both of us).
There was a respect aspect missing, that even some of the most gut-wrenching, heart-breaking relationships still ought to deserve in their demise.
Breakup texts don’t transpire or replace genuine human connection and the complexity of human emotion – they’re just empty dictionary words on a screen. Instead, we’ve gone the route of weaponizing them for our own benefit, and that’s what makes breakup texts low-grade behavior when we should be willing to give even the most difficult relationship ends an honorable death.
It teaches you to avoid discomfort, not overcome it
Newsflash: discomfort is inevitable in life.
There are certainly times we can choose our peace over chaos, yet we have inadvertently decided that the breakup process is too chaotic to manage let alone not worth facing head on. To combat that, we’ve created an alternative, more passive route – breaking up over text – to ease the discomfort in hopes of maintaining our individual peace and self-image.
Today heavily preaches peace, and that protecting our peace precedes anything else. The problem with that is, while I can agree with its importance and significance, we’re chronically avoiding discomfort rather than learning to overcome it. If we attempt to avoid everything and anything, much bigger problems will eventually send us into a crippling state of malfunction.
The running joke is that everyone is so triggered nowadays, but seriously, though. Everything and anything is somehow personal when it’s not, and when everything becomes personal then everything becomes too uncomfortable to handle.
At the expense of resilience, we’re over-consumed with avoiding any discomfort, conflict and hardship, making emotional regulation, problem-solving as well as restoration and reconciliation over time a difficult feat.
These are imperative qualities to learn, and we can only learn them through exposure – as in going through it, not avoidance. Without resilience, we’re subject to being in a constant state of fight or flight (attack or flee) – hence what also happens when people become easily and chronically triggered by anything and anyone.
Breakups are never easy, and neither is doing the breaking up. Okay, maybe it is for some, but let’s be honest, here – are we turning to breakup texts in order to lessen the blow or backfire (on ourselves)? Because I definitely did after sending a breakup text and what I thought – at the time – was a heartfelt breakup letter over Facebook DM (Messenger).
I wanted nothing to do with the repercussions like a breakup in person would have. I didn’t want to have to deal with the roadbloacks of him trying to stop me or feed me reasons why we shouldn’t breakup at all. I also didn’t want to sit with and console his emotional reaction. Most of all, I didn’t want to have to go through the deep dive of introspection (i.e., my role in our problems, what I did wrong or what I could change) or to feel like “The Bad Guy” (even if I knew I partly was deep down) by wanting to end things.
In fact, if I’m being REALLY honest, I didn’t exactly want to breakup with the relationship I did over Facebook (that’s a longer and much more confusing explanation). The only way I felt I could go through with it was doing it in such a way that was like ripping off a bandaid.
I didn’t want to carry the weight breaking up requires. It’s heavy, because we’re having to endure a messy, uncomfortable and life-changing situation with another person where feelings and commitment are attached. Breakup texts only encourage us to easily part ways with the sense of responsibility (one that is agreed upon when entering a relationship with someone), and to no longer feel bad about it.
In enough concentration, that could be sending the dangerous message which prioritizes personal comfort over perseverance and recoverability.
Again, there are times breakup texts may be necessary, but they ought to be that last-ditch effort, not the norm. Habitual breaking up over text message is only teaching us to avoid discomfort instead of learning to face and overcome it.
It impedes tolerance and survivability
In the real world, you will always have to face hard things head on but having the option to do them from a more passive, elusive or behind-the-scenes front (and greatly depending on that option) doesn’t somehow make the things you will face head on any easier.
For instance, keyboard warriors on the internet have it easy since they have Google Search and are less time constrained to provide an answer behind a screen. It’s a lot like having an open book test with no time limit. But put those keyboard warriors in a room to debate someone face-to-face (without a computer), and you will likely see struggle or implosion when debating is already not an easy thing for many people.
Moral of the example is that keyboard warriors may likely refrain or cower from in-person confrontation because their tolerance and survivability doesn’t exceed that of behind the safety of a computer screen.
Breakup texts are essentially making an already hard thing to do harder. Breaking up over text message is an *easier*, more convenient and sometimes necessary option, yes, but breakup texts don’t necessarily aid in tolerance or survivability in the real-world experience of relational hardship.
*Tolerance: capacity to endure strain or hardship.
*Survivability: ability to survive (make it through, overcome) strain or harship.
And this tolerance and survivability include all the other hard things that even healthy relationships will experience.
Let me explain. I quickly learned that by relying on breakup texts as a means to end a relationship, because it was more appealing, convenient and less scary, it also became clearer how much I relied upon text messaging to face and enage in conflict throughout those relationships rather than doing it face-to-face.
In doing so, this actually made conflict, resolution and repair not only over text but in-person more difficult. Text messaging may have made facing conflict easier, in a passive, self-benefitting way, but defaulting to it actually ended up producing more timidness and dysregulation for me in terms of handling conflict over text and especially in-person.
In turn, I often view conflict as internally world-ending or relational-shattering. I have a hard time letting go of confrontation from the past and struggle with feeling like conflict is ever fully absolved – rather, it’s always just lingering like an open tab in the background. And I really do blame texting because defaulting to communication that way never produces the full scope of genuine human interaction and language.