Your significant other deserves respect on social media AND your devices. Why is this bold statement so triggering today?
People care more about protecting their socials and devices, as well as defending their online identity, reputation and digital world than their relationship. And it shows. Social media boundaries in relationships are just as important.
They are shared agreements about phone use, digital and social media privacy, posting, messaging, online friendships and interactions, and how couples handle conflict publicly. Healthy boundaries surrounding our devices and socials protect trust without turning into control or surveillance.
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As a Millennial, who was the starter generation in our technological, social, and digital advancement, it’s annoying to see how we’ve abused (and continue to abuse) what was meant to be a tool in our lives.
In fact, it’s being used as a crutch or to fill a void for unhappiness. And we can’t trouble ourselves to lift the veil long enough to see its absolute destruction on our minds alone, and including our relationships.
I’ll just come out with it, friends: your devices and digital world are not excused from relationship integrity and accountability just because it’s your property, privacy, or digital autonomy. And maybe that’s what made us so uncomfortable with transparency around our phones and socials in relationships.
It’s time to wake up from digital psychosis and focus on the tangible aspects of life that truly matter.
5 Digital privacy and social media rules for couples
Unfortunately, our devices and social media outlets continue to be one big exception to that rule because of scary words like control, self-sacrifice, and manipulation – as if you’re not already succumbing to just that by participating in technology and social media.
It’s about time many realize it’s actually your digital devices and social platforms doing more of the controlling and manipulating. The thing is: your relationship – your significant other, rather – deserves the very pride, intention, attention, care, and respect you aimlessly submit to your devices and socials.
As always, the thoughts, insights, beliefs and opinions expressed throughout this post are my own. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!
*SO = significant other.
First of all, digital and social media boundaries in relationships should exist
Just like there are, hopefully, general boundaries in your relationship, your devices and digital world should be no different. Setting boundaries that benefit the quality of the relationship is critical and necessary. A simple example would be not scrolling on your phone at the dinner table.
Many of us act like digital and social media boundaries are Null. Meaning, they won’t exist if there’s relationship trust and respect. There’s this ick behind having to consider our SO’s feelings before we post or Like something, when the real ick is posting and Liking whatever we want with zero regard for our SO.
There’s a very underrated level of courtesy to consider as you portray and interact through the digital version of yourself and your life on your phone and on social media, which is why digital boundaries in relationships should exist.
Don’t bad mouth your partner behind their back
There’s being authentic and there’s oversharing. If being authentic means venting through text or social media that your boyfriend is a jerk at times or that your husband is a slob, then trust me when I say most of society already knows that what goes on in your relationship behind closed doors is far from being a perfect peach without needing to read about it.
So, what exactly is it you are after – really? Advice? Relatability? Attention? Praise? Clout? To go the length of bad-mouthing your SO to the open and relatively general public, it certainly isn’t for nothing.
Respect really isn’t that complicated yet I have seen my fair share of Facebook friends take it to the Timeline Highway and rip their SO to shreds, and even go the length of blocking them from seeing it. So what this behavior does is give everyone on your platform a negative persona of not only your relationship and your SO but also you.
Agree on what should remain private (just between you)
Real talk, though, the general pop shouldn’t know the depths of your life and relationship. Validation, clout, popularity and attention (especially through Likes, comments and follows) has obliterated our sense and understanding of privacy and reclusion.
Hardly anything is sacred anymore.
As a couple, you need to discuss what is sacred, to be kept between you, and uphold that amidst the online climate of sharing, exposure and exclusivity. Your relationship is not a reality show for the world (and even those within your inner circle) to see and have access to, nor should it be treated as one.
Discuss quality times to be device and scroll-free
You can’t tell me it isn’t annoying or frustrating when you’re trying to spend intimate or quality time together with your SO…and they’re nose-deep texting or doom scrolling on social media. We’ve all been there and done it.
Hence the importance of being open to discussing certain times that should be totally phone free. Quality time can look like the time spent together immediately following intimacy, or simply when one partner is sharing something deeply personal.
The discussion should also include the agreement to hold ourselves and one another accountable. For instance, when one partner fails to read the room, the other is within their right to call them out and ask that they put their phone away.
DMs, Follows, EXes, texts and online friendships (interactions) are open on the table
Many are going to squirm in their seat over that one but, however, still an important rule when it comes to digital and social media boundaries in relationships.
Did you know there are an alarming number of couples who don’t (won’t) follow each other on social media? My parents are one among them. I can draw my own assumptions and conclusions as to why but its irrelevant here. We’re not talking about having individual hobbies to enjoy doing yourself, it’s social media, which is basically an extension of our individual lives. And when that is closed off from our SO, or they’re banned from viewership altogether, what message is being sent?
When the book is open and remains open on the table, we’re saying, “I can be trusted, and I trust you with what’s in it.” Otherwise, if we’re prone to blatantly hiding certain information or keeping interactions under intense lockdown, are we portraying that we can be trusted?
While an open book on the table does not equate to entitled control or surveillance, it does mean the allowance for inquisition (especially when it may be uncomfortable). For example, your partner notices your EX making consistent and potentially questionable comments on your social media posts, to which they bring to your attention. Having the discussion surrounding not only the interactions but any potential concerns your SO may have is also an important factor in this open book rule.
Social Media Boundaries in Relationships FAQ
What are some specific examples of healthy device and social media boundaries in relationships?
Certain boundaries may be subjective per individual or couple, but here is a comprised list of a few common and not-so-common yet specific examples:
1. (*Subjective to living together) Silencing your cell phones after work.
2. Leaving non-essential calls and texts unanswered during quality time.
3. Being transparent with your spouse if/when you receive a text/DM from an ex-partner.
4. Shutting down inappropriate texts/DM interactions; Blocking DMs from individuals you don’t know.
5. Asking your spouse before submitting a post that pertains to potentially sensitive material or information (that includes them).
6. No texting or scrolling on social media during quality time or while your partner is trying to have a conversation with you.
7. Not Liking certain posts (images) that may present themselves inappropriately; Not Following certain accounts that may be deemed inappropriate.
8. Having access to your partner’s phone (and passcode) without taking advantage (ex., snooping through their texts).
9. Defending your partner’s honor and character over text and on social media (ex., shutting down insults or inappropriate comments, and avoiding speaking negatively about your partner to others).
10. Agreeing not to Follow EXes from previous relationships on social media/Agreeing to keep your social accounts private rather than public.
Should couples share their phone passcode?
I think the question should be, “Should couples *be able to* share their phone passcode?” Yes, couples should be able, but that isn’t always the case. In some extreme cases, one or both partners should not be permitted to phone passcodes. But, in general, healthy relationships should share their phone passcode, which is what couples should strive for – a healthy relationship.
Is hiding, not changing/stating a relationship status a red flag?
In some cases, people do decide to keep their “relationship status” hidden on social media (particularly Facebook) for personal or privacy reasons. It’s not always a red flag, by default, but in a digital-focused culture the changing or stating of our relationship status carries weight. What signals a red flag surrounding the refusal to change or state someone’s relationship status is whether they are trying to hide the relationship or their partner from their social platform entirely.
What if your partner disrespects/violates device or social media boundaries?
When a boundary is violated, a consequence (should) follows. For example, if you asked that your partner not be on their phone during dinner (or on a date) and they choose to dishonor that request, a consequence must follow. Sure, it might be unreasonable to take your partner’s phone from them in that moment (unless that was light-heartedly and mutually agreed upon in order to hold each other accountable), but you might communicate that if the boundary violation continues, you will remove yourself from the table/date.
It’s important to remember this: not every boundary violation is dangerous or malicious, and that the focus of consequence isn’t to punish or control the violater but to teach them what you aren’t willing to accept or tolerate. Also, consequence may not be feasible for every boundary violation. Retaliation for behavior we don’t like is not the same as a consequence for a boundary violation. In some cases it may boil down to deciding if staying in that relationship is the healthiest choice.
