If ghosting sucks, why do people still do it?

As someone who is guilty of ghosting in the past, this is my honest take on why people ghost in the first place. My answers may or may not surprise you.

That’s the real question, isn’t it? We condemn ghosting so strongly and treat it as such a moral failure, we’re willing to define or reveal a person’s overall character over it. I’m nose-deep in the chatter almost daily on this topic, where individuals are calling ghosters heartless, cowardly and inhuman. Many have even gone as far as to say that those who resort to ghosting behaviors are narcissistic. So then why do people ghost when it’s as rampant as it seems in the dating realm today?

I don’t subscribe to the idea that…’people are just sh*tty, and that’s why they do it – period’. There’s clearly more to it than that, folks.

If you’ve read some of my other posts about ghosting, you’d know that I don’t exactly subscribe to the modern and widely accepted definition and application of ghosting today. Meaning, I don’t define ghosting as someone who leaves you hanging after a first date or who stops replying to your texts after a handful of exchanged messages.

Moreover, those situations simply don’t (and shouldn’t) hold the same weight as, say, the wife who up and left her husband quietly and unexpectedly after years of marriage.

In any case, ghosting in and of itself is rejection in its most passive form. This level of rejection arguably hurts the most because you’re 1. blindsided, and 2. not afforded an explanation or the opportunity to ask questions let alone defend your case. In one breath, total and quiet abandonment can feel worse than being stabbed in the back due to x, y, and z (i.e., cheating, lying, etc.).

Yet people ghost for many of the same reasons they avoid other discomfort or difficult conversations: fear, guilt, shame, emotional overwhelm, and the desire to escape direct consequences. I want to make sure I point out that while my answers may be explanations for why people ghost, they are not excuses for the damage ghosting causes.

As someone guilty of ghosting in the past, I want to share my honest perspective from the ghoster’s side. Many won’t enjoy what I have to say, and my answers aren’t designed to be comfy nor to enable and justify the behavior, but to bring to light that there are two sides and that ghosting should not be classified as better or worse than other pain-inducing causes in romantic relationships (such as cheating or abuse).

As always, the thoughts, insights, beliefs and opinions expressed throughout this post are my own. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!

A reflection on the time I ghosted a 2+ year previous relationship

I know, I can sense all the negative vibes and words being thrown my way already. But here’s the thing: I can’t change the fact I did what I did, though I do regret the way I handled it. So here’s the gist:

It was my first ever long-term relationship (in high school). I was smitten over this guy from Day One; he was, without a doubt, my first Love. We talked about our future, growing together, made plans, the whole bit. He was a grade older than me, so when he graduated and went off to college and I was a senior in high school, my parents planted it in my head that I needed to ‘enjoy my youth’ and freedom. They didn’t want me not only to be with the first person I dated (long-term) but to marry that person or risk getting married young (like they did).

The bottom line is they made the environment at home uncomfortable. Misery eventually did have me *fake* break up with him the summer before my senior year, just to appease my parents, though we made a pact to still secretly be together and we’d re-finalize that once I graduated high school (when I thought I’d have more independence since we were going to the same college). And while that was the case, at first, things were still never quite the same (or as easy as I’d thought). I still lived at home, went to school and worked a job to pay for school, but we kept our relationship going in secret.

You could say I couldn’t handle maintaining that secret, knowing my parents would hound me about not only lying to them but continuing to see him. Slowly, as time passed, I just couldn’t bear it any longer. I mostly couldn’t bear continuing to string him along; he didn’t deserve to be with someone who hid behind her parent’s approval in order to maintain familial harmony and peace. So instead of facing him, to end things for good, I DM’ed him on Facebook explaining myself, and that that was goodbye.

Okay, so I know it sort of sounds like I didn’t exactly ghost him. But here’s the part that confirms I did: he had responded, but instead of reading it I blurred my vision to avoid seeing the text in subject line, then covered it with my hand so I wouldn’t be tempted and without a second thought I quickly deleted the message before I could feel convicted. I never saw it, responded or heard from him again after that. So, from his perspective, he got to say his piece, ask what his heart yearned for or make his plea…but I never acknowledged it.

Here’s a difference many may not consider or understand: there was a part of me that felt relief once all was said and done (when I deleted his response, knowing I couldn’t undo it), yet it absolutely destroyed me at the same time. No one may be able to comprehend it, but for me it was like holding the grenade after pulling the clip because I knew I deserved the agony from doing what I did. That didn’t mean he never experienced blowback, but part of me hopes it was more like ripping off a band aid for him.

They truly believe they’re preventing as much pain

Wait. Extend me some grace while I tread on this one delicately. I didn’t say they’re preventing any pain at all, so let me explain.

I can’t think of any breakup situation without some level of discomfort, even if it was mutually amicable. The severing of ties is never an easy, clean break, even for the worst relationships where parting ways was actually relief. Hard is still hard, it can just look different.

Am I saying that ghosting is not as painful as the real, direct approach? Of course not. And is every ghoster whole-heartedly trying to avoid hurting the other person by ghosting? Also no.

Ghosting in itself is painful because the person being ghosted is essentially robbed. They’re left with the weight of unanswered questions, self-blame, confusion about what was real and what went wrong, difficulty grieving without a clear ending and feeling unworthy of respect through a direct conversation.

The truth is, avoiding a difficult conversation is often more about relieving the ghoster’s distress than protecting the person being ghosted. Sometimes people call avoidance protection because it feels easier to believe they are sparing someone pain than to admit they are sparing themselves discomfort.

So, underneath it all, I was definitely sparing my discomfort in the name of telling myself that it could have ended much worse (more painful).

People want to avoid being villainized or over-explaining themselves

Breakups typically have a person doing the breaking up (i.e., initiating a final end to the relationship) and a person being broken up with (i.e., the person on the receiving end of the initiation and finalization).

Think about it: we also usually hold the person doing the breaking up to a higher standard. We expect them to be honest, gentle and respectful (the best they can). And without saying it, we also expect them to take the beating, so to speak, even if that means answering any and all questions, being readily and emotionally open and remorseful as well as having to repeat or explain themselves.

Let’s be real, most breakups aren’t simply a single conversation that’s easily and shortly absolved. Having to be subjected to over-explaining ourselves, oftentimes in a thousand different ways, can be debilitating (even if the other person is deserving of every explanation). Realistically, a simple answer is usually never quite enough, and ghosting has become a defense mechanism in the breakup game.

For me, I chose not to respond because I desperately wanted to avoid the potential negative backlash and answering the inevitable string of Whys. Not because he didn’t deserve answers but because I was ashamed of them.

On the other side, we’re pretty quick to give the person on the receiving end a free pass. I mean, they’re being broken up with, so their reaction or response – however and in whatever way that be – is…justifiable, right? If a person needs more closure, or closure that involves dragging the other person into the mud or having repetitive and oftentimes invasive examination of questions in hopes of deeper explanations, then they’re entitled to that (and rightfully so), is pretty much the general consensus.

And I won’t necessarily argue that.

All I’m saying is…it’s already understood that the person doing the breaking up is doing the hurting. They’re essentially the villain by default. So it’s not surprising there are those who we call cowardice that choose to dip when no one’s looking. Ghosting creates a layer of opportunity for those to remove themselves from experiencing the consequential role in the breaking up process.

People ghost not because they don’t believe it’s wrong, but because they know they’re the one putting an end to the relationship and want to avoid having their nose rubbed in it.

The thought of experiencing the breakup loop makes detachment easier

Maybe we’ve all been there, and maybe some haven’t. The breakup loop: this simply means – as I briefly mentioned in the point above – that breakups aren’t usually a quick, one and done ordeal. This can apply to non-exclusive connections as well. Couples (or, more specifically, one partner), especially in exclusively long-term relationships, lengthen the breakup process.

Conversations that last days or weeks, periods of silence are met with reengagement, in-person meet-ups become opportunistic, one person committed to not letting go, and then there’s the flying off the handle moments of absolute despair and destruction (i.e., saying the things we don’t mean or regret) when the process isn’t going as hoped. This can easily transform breakups into a cycle of grief, anger, sadness, denial, remorse, regret, desperation and so on.

It’s basically a breakup that never ends, with no end in sight or re-experiencing it again and again. Just to clarify, though, that direct communication does not require unlimited access. Meaning, a person can give a clear, direct ending once and not allow the other person to argue, pressure, manipulate or repeatedly attempt to reopen the relationship.

When I sent that first and final DM message, I honestly would have been shocked if he had simply responded, “Ok, understood. This is good-bye.” And he may very well have responded with those exact words – I’ll never know.

But after a relationship that lasted more than two years, the complexity and nature of our relationship and feelings for one another (where neither would suspect an iota of wavering), I convinced myself the conversation that would ensue would be hypothermic. Not just painful, but a slow and long death.

As awful as it sounds, withdrawing from the situation (ghosting) became easier when I saw there exists a path of least resistance if it meant I could prevent myself from having to endure the breakup loop.

People don’t want to be tempted or convinced into changing their mind

Breakups are a fickle thing. For many, breaking up isn’t at all what is wanted but may be what is needed or for the best (for both parties). Being the one to facilitate the ending of a relationship is also a very personal decision and therefore are committed to that decision.

How often is someone who chose to end an abusive or very toxic relationship been tempted, manipulated or swayed into changing their mind? Often enough, which means this is easily the case in normal or healthy relationships that reach their demise.

Granted, this is a PSA: no one is obligated to provide closure at the expense of their safety. Therefore, ghosting or cutting off contact can be necessary when someone feels unsafe.

Even in the dating phase of rejection and disinterest, many individuals are guilty of trying to sell themselves (i.e., “I’m a very forgiving person,”) or pleading their case (i.e., “I didn’t mean when I said [..], please don’t totally write me off for that,”) as if to try and convince the person to rethink their decision or give them a second chance (to be liked, again, by the way). That last part is not the same as someone genuinely interested, experiencing a discrepancy that calls for remorse and an apology, and there being a second chance given.

For one thing, it’s not easy to endure and navigate a breakup situation where one person desperately wants and seeks reconciliation and repair when the other person does not. Who really wants to have to continually stand firm on ‘No’ over and over again? No one, because it’s like driving the dagger deeper and deeper as they plead with you to stop.

Then why do people ghost? I think to avoid this potential risk. As for me, truthfully, I couldn’t bear facing the emotional pleas to reconnect and repair, give things another chance or “take him back” because I knew the breakup loop would have me re-question my decision altogether.

There’s a real fear of facing big emotions and the guilt of disappointment

This is not me saying that we shouldn’t be able to accept accountability, face hardship and the negative emotions with it. At the same time, fear can still exist. For me, growing up, learning a genuine fear of disrupting my mother’s mood or her being disappointed in me, whether I was to blame or not, resulted in becoming hyper-vigilant of other’s emotions and sudden change in mood.

Now understanding this as an adult explained so many other weird things I couldn’t explain about myself, such as why I never really felt comfortable expressing emotions publicly and felt awkward and uncomfortable when other people or children expressed big emotions in front of or around me – especially crying – which explains a lot on this point.

When I willfully decided I would not respond after sending that initial DM, a huge part of me did so because I was genuinely afraid of facing the anticipated big emotions, catastrophic disappointment, and the guilt of knowing I was 1,000% the cause. Cowardly? Without a doubt, and I must live with that decision to be.

In today’s culture that heavily advocates and promotes protecting our individual peace, this actually explains why people ghost as well as the uptick in its behavior, and not just when it comes to romantic connections.

With passive technology at the forefront of communication, more people are picking their battles with passivity in mind

I mean, is that not what technology reinforces? Things like texting has made it a lot easier, accessible, acceptable and normal to avoid or escape facing discomfort or difficult conversations face-to-face or by voice over the phone. It literally promotes and encourages passivity – I even go as far as to unpack how texting is lazy (low effort) in another post.

It’s not that ghosting is a new concept. People have been ghosting each other since the dawn of time – from letters and telegrams going unanswered and phone calls not returned to people blatantly no showing (or quite literally disappearing – their stuff and whereabouts included) and social media accounts being blocked.

With that, more and more people are choosing their battles not necessarily more wisely but with passivity at the forefront more than ever.

Ghosting can be understandable without being acceptable

So why do people ghost? Sometimes it is because they are selfish. Sometimes it is because they are afraid. Sometimes they convince themselves that disappearing will prevent a painful conversation from becoming even more painful. They may fear being blamed, persuaded, confronted, or forced to witness the full emotional consequences of their decision to end the relationship.

But understanding why someone ghosts does not make ghosting harmless nor does it excuse the behavior. In many cases, the person who disappears is not eliminating the pain but moving it somewhere else. They are relieving themselves of the immediate discomfort while leaving the other person alone with the questions, the confusion, and the responsibility of creating their own closure.

I know this because I did it. I was ashamed, overwhelmed, afraid of being talked out of my decision, and unable to face sheer disappointment I knew I had caused. Those feelings explain my behavior, but they do not excuse it. I know that I could have ended the relationship honestly and still maintained my boundary afterward. I also know that I could have given him an opportunity to respond without allowing the conversation to become an endless attempt to change my mind or endure unnecessary backlash.

Here’s a pivotal thought: ghosting is often less about not caring than about not knowing how to tolerate discomfort without avoiding confrontation. Modern communication makes avoidance easier, but it does not make it kinder (or the right thing to do). Yes, there are circumstances where cutting off contact may be necessary but outside of those circumstances, however, a difficult truth is usually more respectful than a disappearance.

Still, I worded the conclusion of this point in a way that may be hard of hearing for many. Like with anything, there are two sides, and I wanted to share my side as someone who has ghosted in the past. We can certainly have a better understanding as to why people ghost without it being acceptable behavior.

People ghost because facing the ending feels harder than escaping it. Unfortunately, sometimes choosing what’s easy on ourselves ends up being a heavier burden on others whether we realize, know it or not. And aren’t we all fairly guilty of this? That is the part we should not lose sight of when we try to understand the reasons why people ghost.