The case for coffee: Why simple first dates are better than fancy dates

Despite the growing cringe and lack of appeal, I think grabbing coffee on a first date is actually practical and perfectly acceptable, and its simplicity can be a healthy choice when meeting someone for the first time.

There’s a growing hated surrounding the idea of grabbing coffee for a first date. So much so, in fact, that people are even calling it lazy and cheap – a total turn-off or buzz kill, if you will. And this is where I want to chime in in hopes of making coffee dates better again!

No, seriously, because with all due respect…it’s kind of crazy how many folks expect fancy first dates with someone they’ve yet to meet!

“But, Carissa, everyone’s definition of fancy is different!” While this may be true, so is everyone’s definition of cheap, and since a lot of people are labeling coffee as a cheap date (not fancy) then it would be safe to say that fancy typically means more expensive and elaborate (or showy).

Moreover, there are obvious benefits to keeping a first date (or the first time you’re meeting someone) more low-key, and why simplicity can be the healthier, more practical choice whether it be a tea house, coffee shop, local cafe, brewery or bar (and, no, I don’t mean a nightclub).

1. Coffee is affordable and low commitment

Duh, and duh. That is the point, isn’t it? Generally, hopefully, when you’re meeting someone for the first time on a first date, no one is staking claims on one another’s wallet or basing a first date on level of outwardly performance.

Many people may be guilty of unrealistically tying their worth to first date expectations. This doesn’t mean formal (or fancier) dates are bad. It’s totally normal to enjoy dressing up and going somewhere special with someone of a romantic interest and connection. The point is that a first date should focus on creating room for discovering a potential connection and compatibility, not pressure to live up to an experience that is overly planned, costly or forced.

Listen, nobody needs or should expect to be wined and dined on a first date (when you’re meeting someone face-to-face for the very first time).

Affordability and low commitment go hand in hand because it eliminates the added pressure to over-perform…materialistically. And if at the end of the date there’s no connection or further interest, both parties can walk away without feeling like they overspent or wasted valuable time and effort.

In all seriousness, how let down have people felt when they not only planned out an elaborate first date but dished a hefty amount of dough only for the date to go south, amount to nothing or be a total waste of time, energy and resources?

With consideration for online dating as the premise for already making headway in getting to know each other, a first meeting or first date in person still has no business being expensive and elaborate (aka, fancy).

Besides, affordable doesn’t mean cheap, and low commitment doesn’t mean boring. Sure, grabbing a coffee may be lackluster in the romance department and more like a casual meet up with a co-worker, but a romantic setting or romantic efforts do not guarantee a romantic connection.

2. The focus of the date can be on potential compatibility vs money spent

The focus of a first date is finding out if there’s connection and compatibility, not how much someone is willing and able to spend on a date, right? Then a coffee date keeps the focus on figuring out the things that are important, like shared interests, lifestyle, communication as well as goals, aspirations and personal values.

The impressiveness of a first date becomes irrelevant when you’re looking to see if there is a romantic connection with the person, not their performance.

3. Comfort is prioritized over formality

Honestly, though, a quaint coffee shop is way less intimidating than an upscale restaurant. There’s nothing against putting in the effort to impress on a first date, but a coffee date allows both parties the freedom to keep attire on the casual, comfortable side.

We may not realize that over-performance can also exude Love Bombing qualities or bring about feelings of discomfort when the date is hyper-focused on a romantic experience.

Also, choosing a formal restaurant or an elaborate activity can add even more pressure to an experience that is already unfamiliar. The whole premise of a first date, or the first time meeting someone is to figure out whether there is compatibility and a connection, which can be difficult if one or both parties are too focused on formalities or followed expectations.

Prioritizing comfort through a coffee date can also look like:

• A less formal setting making it easier to maintain your boundaries
• Not committing to an expensive dinner, multiple courses, or an entire evening together before you’re comfortable
• Both people having a better opportunity to see whether the connection feels natural rather than through a romantic performance

4. Time and duration are more flexible

You know what else is nice, and practical, about a coffee shop first date? The idea of grabbing a coffee is one of the most flexible activities – you can do it at any point of the day (morning, afternoon or evening) and spend as little or much time there as you want.

If you’re just not *feeling it* with the person, you can end the date without making it weird. Grabbing a coffee, tea, small bite or drink can mean you leave the date after 30 minutes, an hour or two hours.

In the event the desire to spend more time together on the date is mutual, there’s always the option to extend the date further – i.e., go for a walk, grab dinner, get ice cream, see a show, etc. On top of the coffee shop first date being incredibly convenient, its flexibility makes it a perfect ice breaker setting for the oftentimes nerve-wracking and awkward first date jitters.

5. A simpler setting allows you focus on real conversation

A simpler setting means there are fewer distractions, such as loud music or a restaurant full of people you have to talk over. Not that there’s anything wrong with engaging in first date activities, but certain settings can compete for your attention (like, is going to a movie the sensible choice in this case?), whereas the quieter setting of a local cafe, tea joint or coffee spot encourages actually conversing.

Even if you’ve been doing a lot of the talking ahead of time, like on the dating app or through texting, there’s going to be a stark contrast in getting to know someone for the first time in person than who they present themselves to be through text characters.

Sure, nobody’s claiming that going for a walk in the park or taking a stroll while sipping coffee or enjoying ice cream in hand can’t accomplish the same thing. But choosing a simpler setting allows you to focus on what matters when meeting someone new for the first time.