I am officially speaking out on adhering to my more traditional dating values in a modernized society. Phew. You have no idea how long I’ve waited to say that, and confidently say it.
I’ve spent the last couple years trying to please all relationship styles, expectations, values and beliefs. And while I do respect them, I’ve grown tired of ignoring and overshadowing my own. There’s a reason I started this blog in the first place – personal experience, knowledge and insight. I have a unique stance, approach and personal success being the woman with traditional values in a modernized online dating world.
Unfortunately the word traditional alone gets such a nasty rep, it’s insane. It’s as if I am stuck in the times or something – like I just succumb all willy nilly to the control of a man – and refuse to evolve (er, more like eradicate) out of “old-world” courtship.
BUT the truth is, we live in a society where nobody seems happy with anything. You could lay down on the ground for those to walk all over you and someone would still say you aren’t flat enough. And with the major push for relationship equality, it would seem the majority are here for it, yet still want special privileges, so they pick and choose what they want and don’t want from it.
Mmm, that’s not exactly how…it…works. But okay – cool, cool.
Main points broken down in this post..
So alongside the effects of this new – kinda contradictory – modern wave of relationship dynamics, I got to a point where I said screw it, I know who I am, what I want, and it’s out there in a partner for me. It surely wasn’t easy, but I also didn’t let go of believing traditional values were totally lost.
If you notice, I said “wave”. Personally, I think that’s exactly what this is – a temporary phase – and that more traditional relationships are still the silent, content majority and functioning quietly in the background. Or, like a wave, traditionalism is something that comes and goes in society and in relationship culture.
That’s just me, anyway.
As a woman, part of this whole philosophy was having the ability to choose, and that’s what I did. Regardless of modern-day society pushing and conforming this unconventional approach to dating as being the *new* right way… I chose to go the rather beaten path.
My point being… it’s more than possible to live in an unconventional, modern dating world and still uphold traditional values. And no, not the envision of an insignificant, weak-minded, dependent 50’s housewife who blindly worships the ground her husband walks on.
The thing is, I could work for the other “man” if I absolutely wanted to – as many career-driven women do, and that’s fine if they choose. But my now husband works his butt off so I don’t have to if that’s what I choose. And according to him, as a more traditional-leaning man, our marriage is still equal.
No matter what you read, or who says otherwise… traditional dating values still exist. They may not exactly be walking the streets in plain sight, but living peacefully and silently in the shadows.
I Upheld Traditional Dating Values In A Modern World
As always, the thoughts, insights, beliefs and opinions expressed throughout this post are my own. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!
I respected a man who took the lead
Whoo-wee, that’s so hot. I’m not even ashamed to admit it, and there’s absolutely nothing superficial or yielding about it. My inner high school girl is coming through real hard on this one.
This meant the initiating, asking, planning and executing – I’m talking logistics of when and where from beginning to end. And, yes, the man was primarily the default.
Hold up, though – don’t confuse this with entitlement or control. And this didn’t mean I never initiated or put forth a solid effort. Guys deserve to be spoiled, too.
But I was attracted to someone who was proud and honored to take the lead. And as a now married woman, I am honored to have a husband that leads without making me feel inferior as his wife, or as if I ought to thank him every second of every day.
In fact, we encourage one another to lead variously.
I also respected a man who insisted on paying for the date
Yup, and most of them did. Know why? No, it wasn’t about the money – principle.
[Preparing myself for some really cooky, nasty remarks on this one]
That’s it. If a guy asked me out on a date…he paid, period. This isn’t an entitlement issue – I hardly feel entitled even to the money that is *ours* in our marriage.
Does this mean I never offered? Of course not. There were even dates I initiated, surprised, set up and treated my husband to. Like I already said, men deserve to be spoiled, too.
But in the dating realm, when I am seeking a long-term, compatible partner…I’m looking for someone who ready and able to take risks. No, seriously, paying for a date with someone where it may not even work out in the end is risky business. There are even women who take blatant advantage just so they can get their fix of being wined and dined even if there’s zero interest or genuine intent.
Except everything in life comes with risk and at a cost. Finding Love and true partnership is no different. And I was looking for a man who can and is willing to protect and provide despite the risks and the cost. Again, there’s that leadership quality.
To be fair, sharing traditional values in a modernized online dating presence, I did always ensure that the first date as essentially a meet-up. Therefore, again, I’d offer to pay. After all, I was seeing and truly getting to know this person for the first time, in person, and I didn’t want there to be this pressure of forced interest or unjust expectation.
These days, I find that a first date (especially in the online dating world) is not usually considered a first date unless there is already an established and exclusive romantic connection.
Though if the guy insisted, I wouldn’t fight him. And, sorry, but the principle scored him brownie points. It really wasn’t paying for the date I had an issue with, (most will still look for reasons to misunderstand this), it was the lack of initiative (leadership) coinciding with my first point above if a man easily and willfully allowed or encouraged me to pay or used the passive approach when it came time to “take care of the bill”.
Netflix and “chill” is never, and will never be, a real date
Listen, hangouts are NOT dates. To me, going to one another’s place as a non-exclusive, dating couple was not considered a date – it was simply hanging out.
First off, there’s a time and place for everything, right? These aren’t considered bad or wrong, as if they bear no weight when it comes to forming a connection or testing compatibility, it’s when they become a replacement for true courtship.
Unfortunately, any expectation of courtship is seen as having too high of expectations instead of respectable dating standards these days. And that’s the problem. Courtship is not a superficial expectation; it has to do with values.
Sorry not sorry, but when you’re dating someone new…spending one on one time at one another’s place instigates one thing and one thing only within a very personal, private, intimate setting. Someone’s gotta say it!
In modern dating people are also complaining that dates are not authentic anymore. I can bet the absence of effort, planning, creativity, anticipation, and standards are a huge chunk as to why.
Instant gratification has stolen our patience in the dating game (ah, well, hello texting 24/7 and half-naked photos), and quantity over quality is mainstream. Meaningggg…we’re settling for more “hangouts” over real, planned “dates” early on.
Back in the 2008 era, I didn’t see the person I was dating but maybe once on the weekends and during the week, at most. Far and few times together meant “going on a date” was something special and to look forward to because it required setting aside and planning that time together in advance. There really was no, “Hey, what are you doing tonight? (It’s 6pm)” energy, and if there was – hello, booty-call.
Today, the ‘when‘ and ‘how often‘ is very lax, open, and compulsive (with an extreme mix of being too flexible or chronically unavailable). I’m even noticing individuals spending days (and nights) endlessly together super early on – a third date lasting 3.75 days, technically. Or, on the flip side, people are entertaining those who will reach out again after not speaking or seeing each other for six months because they now expect nothing less from that level of behavior.
Okkkkay, who am I kidding – of course there were times I saw dates on back-to-back days and there were certainly many hangouts, especially as we progressed into an exclusive relationship, but I think it’s all about being mindful and keeping that healthy balance. Yet I see it well too often on both sides – those cramming a 6-month span of time in getting to know one another into a week or over-assigning value to a connection that barely exists.
A real date takes effort in planning, some creativity and, at times, some patience (it really isn’t the end of the world if you only see one another once a week). Yes, it is about stepping out of the comforts of every day, technologically based life, penciling in that time together into your busy schedules, and actually planning an activity rather than barrel rolling into being an “old married couple” from the start.
The point of this one is if you’re already Netflix and chilling a few “together times” in, it’s not a date.
Nice gestures – chivalry – are literally acts of respect
It’s simple – the way I view traditional, chivalrous gestures is not the same as the harsh light they are under today. From opening my door, allowing me to order first, walking me to my car or front door, walking closest to the road next to me, picking me up and dropping me off from a date – these are all signs of respect in my eyes, not implicated helplessness.
The realest question in all this is, “do I really NEED all that (to feel *worthy* or valuable)?” [Sigh], of course not. But do I WANT and VALUE all of it? Abso-freaking-lutely.
Chivalry does not make me feel powerless, weak, incapable or helpless as a woman, but I also don’t *require* it to know I am strong or worthy.
In fact, I think chivalry is designed to make us feel honored. First of all, both men and women can be chivalrous, it may just look different.
Look, I spent 10 years working in a field where I wrestled with up to 150-pound dogs and lifting 50-pound items on a regular basis – trust me, I am not dainty or fragile. Yet I love the fact my husband quite literally jumps at doing the heavy lifting so. I. don’t. have. to. He refuses to let me carry the basket of items around at the grocery store, or the 10 bags to the car.
Chivalry are values, and those values in a man do not make me oppressed.
[Related Read: The Worst Dating Advice I Ever Received – And Completely Ignored!]
Besides, if not out of human decency – since there are men out there who believe chivalry is largely outdated and superficial (and, tbh, I can’t blame their reasoning) – these outward gestures means he actually cares. Aside from the slim margin who use chivalry as a means to cash in some reward or repayment, if it is genuine it will be without the notion that you owe him anything beyond humility.
I also learned along the way that you can’t fall for a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Never trust a man who says he’s “one of the good ones” – if that’s true he won’t have annunciate his sense of morality and humanity, he’ll unapologetically show up with or without your knowledge and affirmation.
Sexual tension was all about the buildup, not sprinting to the finish line
As much as we like to pretend that initial chemistry sets the tone for compatibility or genuine connection, it’s certainly not everything. Chemistry does not guarantee compatibility – not even in the bedroom. Initial attraction is easy, connection is where things get complicated.
In my late teens and early twenties, I was confusing connection with sexual tension. And frankly, I think that’s a fairly common problem. The moment sexual tension was “released” is when I would lose sight of the connection I thought existed. Instead I began embracing sexual tension as a replacement for connection. Yikes.
Then I *grew up* and took my relationships fairly slow for a reason. Traditional dating typically focuses more on abstinence, let’s be honest, and tends to get a bad rep as giving individuals this excuse to dangle intimacy while benefitting from the other perks of dating. For instance, men will typically see these women as holding out [sex] on them yet still expect to be courted.
Ladies, stay away from those men.
Listen, there are other very significant reasons we should be keeping it in our pants that we refuse to understand. Whether this way works for some or not, it’s about realizing that a sexual connection does not solely determine a relationship’s success.