150+ Ways to avoid dating below your standards

If you lower your dating standards, you are implying someone else is responsible for your [happiness, fulfillment, expectations, worth, self-respect]. You get the idea, hopefully. That’s why dating below your standards matters, because you shouldn’t be. Yet we’ve ALL done it. I’ve done it. Call it the having kissed a few toads before knowing what it means to kiss a prince. A major point misinterpreted in that saying is that it’s simply a matter of what standards you are willing to compromise.

Those frogs we kiss are our lessons, and if we’re not learning, let alone painfully evolving from them, then we’re still going to keep kissing the same ole’ ugly a** frogs. Sometimes the lesson is about witnessing the parts of yourself that continue to hope that one frog will magically turn into your prince. This could be the pivotal moment you realize that maybe equality isn’t exactly linear – you actually don’t want to have to do it all (just because you can), you’re tired of feeling like you have to date projects in order to reap the benefits of relationship success, or that you don’t “need” someone but you actually *want* someone who cares for and prides themselves in taking care of you, too.

Maybe you feel that many of the things you want aren’t realistic, #sexy, normal or “empowering” in today’s world. Stop giving a sh*t what everyone around you says or thinks – men, included, and especially other women! The bottom line is you are responsible for your own life (and how you want to live it), and for the way you continue to allow others to treat you.

Dating below your standards doesn’t come from the notion that you are too picky or high maintenance, it comes from the belief that you have to completely give up some or all aspects of yourself in order to find Love, or worse off…settle. It begins the moment you displace Love by allowing others to mold you into this person they need you to be to elevate themselves.

Most believe dating down opens the floodgates to the dating pool, by giving those the benefit of the doubt. That’s like having a peeing section in a swimming pool, and playing in it – come on now, Love. You’re slowly poisoning yourself. To keep that from happening, there are standards you NEED to uphold for yourself regardless of the loud chatter among society, the ruthless commentary from your favorite social media influencers, and the banter within your close-knit social groups. And while these examples can be fairly broad, expanded upon, and flip-flopped as needed, that is for you to do on your own. But *out of the 150 listed in this post – which I will link down in the description below – I’m going over the key ones that I believe should be at the top of your hierarchy.

Now stop dating down, uphold your standards, and do so unapologetically.

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150+ Ways to avoid dating below your standards

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Be with someone who treats you like a partner

Not a child, not their mother, and definitely not like you are at their disposal.

Date someone who meets you at eye level – as an indispensable team member – not someone who talks down to you, who is threatened by your strengths, belittles your weaknesses and value, or whose existence and sustainability solely depends on you. Don’t entertain someone who is still, for lack of better words, suckling at their mother’s teet. As partners, yes, you lean and depend on each other as much as you learn from and look up to one another, but there are extremes between a partner that is patronizing and neglects to take care of himself without your guidance.

Don’t be a savior or date one

The truth is many date down and end up choosing people they feel need saving, or rescuing. Don’t go in with the intent to be the hero when it’ll cost you in the end. Those who date down feel they need someone to fix, which could be a way to deflect fixing or healing [wounds] parts of themselves.

We all want to be needed and loved, but that doesn’t mean we are expected to save others, especially those who do not want to be saved. Ultimately we are called to Love and accept those for who they are as they are. For those who do need help need the kind of help no relationship can provide, only themselves.

A common example of this is choosing to date the unpredictable or emotionally unavailable because you think that if you just show them what it’s like to have a good, loyal woman in their life, that this will hopefully soften, humble, or change them. It is not your duty to prove your worth to someone in order to be accepted (or approved of), nor is your worth defined in someone else.

Be with someone who accepts you for you, and vice versa

This should be #1, honestly, and covers all bases – values, morals, beliefs, religion, life choices, quirks, flaws, weaknesses, strengths, successes, and failures.

Acceptance doesn’t only include the good parts of others, but imperfections as well, especially the parts that can be difficult to Love because they are not always self-serving or self-benefitting.

Maturity, across the board

Unfortunately, maturity is a bit subjective, and it covers a lot more ground than you think. Maturity means something different for everyone, for example that he’s an established individual – has a nice car, a stable job, and owns a house. Maturity, that’s considered more long-term, also means emotional intelligence – he’s empathetic, respectful, open-minded, humble and is disciplined.

The thing is an established man could be an arrogant a**hole, and the emotionally intelligent man could be a complete boob to society who still lives in his mom’s basement at 33.

So you have to find that balance and remain vigilant that he exists, because the maturity exists. But always have integrity at the tippy top of your list, because a partner who has your best interest at heart will always strive to do what is morally right for the good of the relationship and not just for himself [first].

Has a healthy relationship with others, family and himself

Outside the obvious conclusion that he should actually have friends in his life, I think it’s fairly common sense that if you center yourself around good people then it will have a positive influence on you and your life. Well, the same logic should be applied to a relationship and your partner when it comes to external relations, such as with friends, family, and co-workers.

Date a man with a positive social influence and reputation – that he has decent friends and those who think highly of him and respect him. If you’re dating someone with questionable people in their life (such as that friend who boasts about and condones cheating on their partner) then it would be safe to question your partner’s ability to distinguish healthy and unhealthy influences.

This is why I believe married couples should only surround themselves with other’s that provide a healthy and positive contribution.

Granted, you can choose your friends but you don’t necessarily get to choose your family. So not everybody has an impeccable relationship or history with their parents, siblings or extended family.

I know both ends of my family ship are tarnished and basically scattered out at sea at this point, so how could I judge what beef my partner has with his?

Some come from broken, abusive, and trauma-filled families or divorced parents. That doesn’t automatically make a person less than ideal as a partner, or unfit to be – though circumstances DO need to be better taken into account, closely – since there is no healthy or loving relationship with their parents or extended family. The bigger question and insight to look deeper into is how this will or has impacted his life [choices], previous relationship [history], life and relationship morals and values, overall life outlook as well as the relationship he has with himself and others in his life.

There are still good people who come from the worse-off, underprivileged, or painful circumstances, and many bad people come from the most optimal, privileged or appealing circumstances. This is something we have to be more aware of.

Establishes and respects boundaries

Boundaries differ from standards in that boundaries are limits you set for yourself (think like a personal bubble) to protect your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Boundaries are met with consequences if they are not respected. Standards differ in that they are qualities you uphold and that must be met prior to pursuing or entertaining someone.

Red flags can often be violated boundaries as well as unmet/disqualified standards. So when it comes to boundaries and standards, if he has none for himself, then he likely won’t respect yours. This means you want a partner who has them, respects them, and is open to mutual boundaries, not someone who lets you walk over him or him all over you (on a tight leash).

Someone who supports your life goals, AND aspires mutual goals

Because what. the. f*. is the point of being with someone who doesn’t respect or support your life dreams or sense of purpose?

Um, I can’t think of one. I wouldn’t be with my husband if he couldn’t accept what makes me me. And over the course of a lifetime I can’t promise I won’t go through changes or have new dreams, as will he, but I entrust that we will embrace these fluctuations in our life together with an open mind. It may not always mean I get exactly what I want and him get exactly what he wants every time or all the time, but maintaining our separate and mutual goals is CRITICAL for relationship growth.

When you’re in the right relationship, humility is paramount, and there will be honesty, transparency, compromise, and open communication at every turn for couples to thrive equally for a lifetime.

Superficial or not, certain standards reinforce the rest

As much as I don’t like saying looks matter, they do one way or another. And not just physical attributes, but everyone has some degree of superficial and materialistic standards as well, like this gal who refused to date a guy without a car.

So here we go, ladies, as I unleash the Holy Grail of Standards I know exist… because I shared many of them. Some are obscene and far-fetched while many are, hopefully, a breath of fresh air and sigh of relief.

And while having every single one of our standards met is not exactly feasible, though I dare say 99.99% of my standards were met in my husband, it’s very possible to have the most important ones met and the rest valued.

You have to decide which those are. These are not to feel ashamed of, because if they truly matter then trying to ignore them or ridding of them will wreak havoc to your love life slowly but surely. So HONOR THEM and rearrange their significance accordingly.

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1. He primarily pays for dates; we equally pay for dates.
2. I will pay for a date I planned and initiated.
3. I will not pick him up for our dates.
4. He’s chivalrous (opens doors, etc. etc.)
5. He prioritizes me and my time.
6. I will not make excuses for red flags.
7. I will not give someone who rejected me a second chance.
8. If there is no chemistry after date [#], I’m moving on.
9. He respects phone usage while on dates.
10. He initiates plans (and REAL dates); I won’t go back to his place until date [#].
11. He must have respect (for others) and manners, especially table manners.
12. I won’t be the only one carrying on a conversation; he cannot dominate/interrupt the conversation.
13. If he smokes cigarettes, does drugs or drinks, I’m out.
14. I want someone with good hygiene – hair, skin, teeth, breath, overall smell and basic hygeine.
15. My parents have to approve of him.
16. My dog/cat (or pet) has to approve of him.
17. He has to love and accept my dog/cat/pet(s).
18. I won’t date someone who is openly dating others; I won’t date someone “casually” or who isn’t seeking a relationship.
19. He’s had several long-term relationships; he’s been in love at least once.
20. He doesn’t cancel dates last minute (or make them).
21. He doesn’t refer to women using derogatory names; I won’t tolerate sexist/misogynistic behavior.
22. I won’t be with someone who has eyes for others (women).
23. I won’t commit without expressed, verbal confirmation of exclusivity.
24. Family and/or family values must be important to him.
25. I won’t engage intimately until [#] date, or until exclusivity.
26. He calls to talk instead of texts; he texts/calls back in a timely manner.
27. He picks me up for our dates.
28. Breaking up is not the end-all for conflict.
29. No “breaks” or “hall passes” in the relationship.
30. I refuse to take back an EX.
31. I will not say I Love You first; I will not be expected to say it back if I don’t feel it.
32. I will not accept or say I Love You without exclusivity.
33. He takes me out on REAL dates (not at-home dates); “date night” is planned in advance.
34. He will respect my decision to wait on sex; he will respect when I decline sex; sex is always consentual, without coercion.
35. Words and actions must align.
36. Abuse and violence is not tolerable.
37. My boundaries are non-negotiable; violated boundaries follow with consequences (action).
38. I won’t be with someone who can’t accept my male friendships; I won’t be with someone who prioritizes female friends.
39. I will never be the breadwinner; I believe in one sole breadwinner; I believe in equal financial partnership.
40. He proactively earns my trust; trust is earned, not freely given.
41. He is not currently married; he has never been married.
42. He fits my overall ideal physical description.
43. I will not make the first move; I believe in “masculine”-leading gender roles.
44. I believe in/lean on gender roles; I do not believe in/lean on gender roles.
45. He doesn’t have children; He doesn’t have multiple “baby mamas”.
46. He gives me space; he isn’t smothering/over-bearing/controlling.
47. He is kind and respectful to strangers.
48. He respects my religion; we share commonality in religion/politics/morals.
49. He doesn’t have road rage; he can contain his anger.
50. I will not rush dating milestones before I’m ready.
51. He has similar hobbies as me; he has his own hobbies and I mine.
52. I will not date someone to complete me; I will not complete him.
53. He doesn’t dismiss my feelings or tell me to calm down or let things go.
54. He doesn’t intrude on my girl time or self-care.
55. I want someone who helps me “re-center”; someone who balances/compliments me.
56. He won’t treat a relationship like a burden or inconvenience.
57. I won’t date someone who still lives at home; lives with roommates; still lives with an EX.
58. If he’s unsure or can’t commit after [time], I’m moving on.
59. He includes me in his group of friends; he wants to be included in mine.
60. I will do what makes me happy, not what he says will make me happy.
61. I won’t be with someone who refers to or treats marriage as a [open] contract.
62. He likes music, is a musician; he likes [this genre] of music.
63. He graduated from college; he has any job regardless of education.
64. He’s a family man; he wants children of his own; he aspires to be married.
65. He doesn’t invade my privacy; we’re transparent with our devices [phones].
66. He isn’t grossed out by natural bodily occurrences; he doesn’t mock or make fun of women’s time of the month.
67. He doesn’t make fun of my body, bodily insecurities, or body parts.
68. He has a passion for the arts [or insert other desired passion].
69. He doesn’t use double standards.
70. He’s outgoing (extroverted); he’s more reserved (introverted).
71. I want someone who is willing to put in the necessary, intentional work in a relationship; can self-reflect, self-improve and self-heal.
72. I won’t date someone who tells me what I need to give up; I don’t believe in giving up (sacrificing) ourselves for each other.
73. He has modern relationship views; he has traditional relationship views.
74. He makes it easy to be myself around him; I won’t be with someone who makes me hide parts of myself.
75. He isn’t easily offended or bothered when things don’t go his way; he’s willing to compromise.
76. Bread-crumbing is not investment or interest.
77. He is independent; he is interdependent.
78. He is open about his feelings, and about the relationship.
79. He’s willing to make the relationship work through anything.
80. If the sex is terrible I will stop dating him.
81. He doesn’t immediately dip or leave right after sex.
82. I don’t feel afraid to call him after a date; he doesn’t wait to call me.
83. He doesn’t play tit-for-tat.
84. When I make a mistake or do something wrong, he forgives easily.
85. Life-long commitment is his goal.
86. If he avoids talking about significant topics (ie. marriage, future), I’m moving on.
87. He wants monogamy; he wants polyamory.
88. He has never cheated in his previous relationships; he was honest about cheating in his past relationships.
89. He doesn’t go out partying; he likes to have a good time out.
90. He doesn’t have relations with an EX; he stays friends with his EXs.
91. I won’t date someone who already has children.
92. He doesn’t control the [my] finances; we share the financial burden.
93. I can confront him about something that bothers me, without judgment, and vice versa.
94. He doesn’t take life so seriously; he has [serious] long-term life goals.
95. He is handy.
96. He’s willing to be open and try new things; he plays it safe and values security.
97. I want someone who pushes me to exceed, but not my buttons.
98. He doesn’t have any physical or mental health issues.
99. He isn’t disabled. *I do not have the capacity to care for him.
100. He has insurance.
101. If there is no chemistry on the first date, I won’t continue dating him.
102. He is a romantic.
103. He is cultured.
104. His parents are still together.
105. He has set boundaries with his parents; he acknowledges and is healing his troubled family dysfunction.
106. I must like his friends/famiily; his friends/family must like me.
107. His physical appearance is important to him; he works out daily.
108. He shares similar life goals/aspirations as me.
109. I aspire to be a housewife or stay at home mom; he respects my traditional/feminine role and aspirations.
110. He shares similar religious beliefs; he doesn’t impose his religion onto mine.
111. He doesn’t do drugs of any kind.
112. He doesn’t have a criminal record.
113. He believes in painful truths over beautiful lies.
114. He has a job, period; he comes from a family of money; he is rich.
115. He lives a rich lifestyle; he doesn’t live a money-driven lifestyle.
116. He believes in gender roles; he believes in equality in relationships.
117. He shares common values; we respect each other’s differences.
118. He shares different opinions than I, and we can agree to disagree.
119. He’s passionate about politics and religion; he’s not big or into politics and religion.
120. He’s liberal/conservative.
121. I won’t be with someone who puts his job ahead of his family, or relationship.
122. If he ever threatens a break-up, that’s an end game for me.
123. If he can’t openly discuss his previous relationships, I’m out.
124. He has passion and ambition in life; he knows his life purpose.
125. He works hard for his money regardless of how much he makes.
126. He must be vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, etc.
127. He sets boundaries when it comes to opposite-sex friendships.
128. If he doesn’t prioritize my sexual satisfaction I will stop dating him.
129. If he compares sex with previous partners, I’m out.
130. He won’t allow other women to jeopardize the quality of his relationship.
131. He cares and appoints your sexual satisfaction before his own.
132. He doesn’t thwart off a relationship if sex has to wait.
133. He doesn’t use me strictly for sex.
134. He doesn’t depend on me financially or use me for money.
135. He’s good at communicating; receptive to learning and improving upon the relationship.
136. He cares about my needs and wants.
137. He doesn’t pressure you sexually or make you uncomfortable.
138. He shows affection publicly and on social media.
139. I want someone who doesn’t take ownership/claim when it comes to the Holidays.
140. I want someone who is open to creating our own traditions outside of his family’s.
141. If he’s too affectionate, I’m out; I don’t want someone who is clingy.
142. He isn’t obsessed with social media or his devices.
143. I won’t be with someone who craves attention from other women on social media.
144. I won’t tolerate my trust being “tested”.
145. He is transparent with his phone and passwords; he values my privacy without the need to use my phone.
146. He keeps our relationship private on social media; he makes our relationship exclusive on social media.
147. I want someone who values and respects his mother; I don’t want a mammas boy.
148. He encourages my friendships and having friends outside the relationship.
149. He cares about my sexual satisfaction.
150. I won’t be with someone who expects me to cook and clean for him.
151. I want someone who doesn’t overstay their welcome; he doesn’t beg/force me to do something I don’t want to.
152. He isn’t in contact with EXes.
153. He challenges me intellectually; we challenge each other to keep the spark.
154. He can have and keep deep, engaging conversation.
155. He wants to meet my family; he shows willingness to be with them, not avoid them.
156. He believes in marriage; doesn’t want to get married.
157. He wants a family of his own; doesn’t want children at all.
158. He’s open to adoption.
159. I want someone who wants to build/own a house.
160. He has to have retirement goals.
161. I believe in a man being the breadwinner.
162. He must love to travel; or wants to settle down as a homebody.
163. He must have a car, or own equity on something.
164. He must be able to financially take care of himself; he must be able to financially provide for his family.
165. He must accept my willingness to work as a mom; he must accept my willingness to stay home and raise our kids.
166. I want someone who respects and supports luxuries that matter to me (ie. getting my nails/hair done).
167. He has to accept and support my lavish lifestyle.
168. I don’t want someone whose life drive is spending money on high-end luxuries.
169. I want someone who will always consult with me before making big financial decisions.
170. He has to be fiscally responsible; have a passion for saving money, budgeting, etc.

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