What to do when one spouse won’t share or divide the Holidays fairly

Holiday boundaries, even in marriage, may be as important as they are necessary if you have a spouse who refuses to compromise on Holiday plans.

The Holidays can easily be one big stress ball for many, even couples. This is especially if one spouse won’t or refuses to compromise or split the Holidays fairly. So if the stress of the Holiday season divides your marriage year after year, this post is for you.

Or head on over if you’re dealing with a spouse who doesn’t celebrate Christmas (or the Holidays).

And, hey, if you are that spouse who tends to get their way during the Holidays through unnecessary strife, listen up – you need to read this post more than anyone.

More importantly, we need to stop painting this picture that the Holidays represent buried internal “suffering” for just one day. Some common scenarios in relationships are typically conveyed like this:

“My husband expects that we’ll host his family at our house every Thanksgiving,” or “Christmas time tends to always revolve around my wife’s parent’s schedule while my parents get the short end of the stick,” and so on. This isn’t new, by any means, but the struggle has certainly become more prominent over generations.

In the past, my husband even alluded to the fact that my family tends to be at the advantage when it comes to Holidays and their logistics. It took me a few years to notice but…he was right.

Why the Holidays can cause conflict

From financial trouble, bouncing from one relative’s house to another, toxic family dysfunction, unrealistic expectations, one-sided compliance, internalized guilt or shame, to abandoning our needs and extending beyond our individual capacity for the sake of avoiding confrontation, judgment, or disappointment from your spouse and family.

Oof, that’s a mouthful. And when you’re married, times that by two. Double ouch. Then add children in the mix – it’s no wonder people are combusting.

Then you have differences in family dynamics and traditions, major life milestones, unexpected changes, a spouse who makes every and all Holiday decisions and plans, and those who simply choose not to celebrate the Holidays – all of which can be the cause of stress and conflict for many couples.

And, well, for many they just have a difficult spouse (or in-law) who wants everything to go their way and only their way.

Hopefully when you were dating your spouse, the Holidays, any passed-down family traditions, and future Holiday expectations were a topic you heavily discussed or navigated as a couple prior to marriage.

This is yet another important factor to consider now that personal values have become more diverse, because not everyone values Holidays the same or at the same level. And this is an integrated normative in culture. Unfortunately, the partner who values strict Holiday traditions less (is more flexible, rather) usually winds up footing the bill (or accepting the shorter stick).

Even so, everyone’s Holiday ideals can change from season to season, which means keeping the line of communication open through each passing season is crucial.

While the answer is probably always *easy* to some – “…do whatever is necessary to keep the peace (because, you know, it’s the Holidays)…” – that does not somehow mean you are expected to comply blindly and obediently year after year.

So if you want to avoid completely dreading the Holiday season and to hinder the cycle of divide with your spouse year after year, your marriage needs boundaries.

As always, the thoughts, insights, beliefs and opinions expressed throughout this post are my own. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!

Preferably, be *somewhere* on the same page

Again, hopefully you and your spouse have discussed what the Holidays mean to you as individuals, what family traditions you cherish, and what your ideal way(s) to spend the Holidays looks like. Hopefully you’ve discussed how you would honor the differences, too.

But one spouse always siding with the other partner’s wishes, expectations or ideals isn’t exactly conjoining your lives respectively. Being somewhere on the same page may look like you and your partner both valuing the way you spend the Holidays together. This may look like preferring to host the holidays (and/or have family come stay and visit) versus doing the traveling or choosing to forgo seeing family one year (or for particular Holidays).

Communicating this can sound like:

• “You prefer to host (and have family come visit) for the Holidays while I prefer to avoid traveling to multiple places (and dragging our kids along in the process). We’re on the same page in that we both prefer to celebrate the Holidays from our home.“

• “We agree that we should make the Holidays fair between families, but it isn’t exactly fair on our family to cram everyone in every single year. Since we’re on the same page when it comes to fairness when prioritizing our families around the Holidays, we can aim to prioritize each of our families better by rotating them for every Holiday.“

We have to also remember that things can change over time – people change, but also circumstances. The way I enjoyed spending the Holidays in my 20’s is surely different than my 30’s. This is as normal as it is expected. In our 20’s, my husband and I saw family every major Holiday, and now into our 30’s we spend most major Holidays just the two of us traveling.

Couples must be willing to embrace changes together, which means you and your partner may not always remain on the same page year after year. Sometimes sacrifice will be necessary (yes, the whole ‘doing something we don’t really want to do’ part), as with anything in life.

But if you spend year after year complying with your spouse when it comes to traditions, hosting or whose family you see which Holidays (and those you don’t), as well as the ins and outs of stresses in between, that compliance will eventually turn into resentment and, worse off, disconnection.

[Related Read: Why your Holiday traditions as a couple are important]

And if you’re the spouse who refuses to consider, let alone see eye-to-eye with your partner’s wishes, wants and needs, this can create even further stress during what is supposed to be a gleeful time of year.

Let’s be real – there’s absolutely no enjoyment in it if one spouse is constantly sacrificing and tolerating “in order to keep the peace”. At that point, is it really even peace or is it conflict avoidance?

Regardless of whether your spouse celebrates Holidays like Christmas or Easter like you do and how you prefer to spend them, when you discuss these matters with your partner…no one speaks or decides for the other. This goes for the spouse who says,

“It’s Easter – we [go to church that morning, don’t participate in the non-religious activities like easter egg hunts],” or, “You know my family throws that Christmas party every year. [I’m going/we’re going] – no exceptions.”

Not only does this imply that they refuse to implement or consider their partner’s feelings, needs and wants, but they lack the emotional maturity to abide by their commitment in marriage and the separation from their parents and their traditions/expectations.

If not, find a compromise

Life is not linear. Neither is marriage, which means compromise won’t always be 50/50, and it definitely won’t always feel 100/100. Compromise can mean you win some and lose some, on either or both sides. We do have to be willing to accept that we may not always have it all, and our own way, year after year. Some years you may, and some years you won’t.

Compromise is about figuring out what makes sense for your individual family unit – you, your partner, your children, and other factors (finances, priorities, limitations, health, accessibility, pets, values, etc.).

BTW, when I speak of children, I mean children who are not grown adults (with their own life and families).

So whether your ideal family Holiday tradition is to stay home Christmas morning (yup, and spend only that time with your spouse and kids) or travel the great distance for that 10-day Christmas “retreat” at your parent’s cabin – every tradition can be significant, but not one tradition is more valuable than another.

And some of ya’ll are elevating your own above your spouse. I’m even talking about you – yeah, you – who prioritizes the value of appeasing your mother’s wishes and demands as if your spouse doesn’t exist.

Both sides matter, no matter how big or small the tradition and great or little the expectation. This means you and your partner don’t make arrangements, agree to invitations, or freely *call the shots* without discussing them together first and foremost. There also shouldn’t be any automatic dibs, either. Meaning, no one family is prioritized over the other – regardless of distance, dysfunction or special circumstances.

So, yeah, just because one of you has a disabled family member who can’t travel and don’t see often, that doesn’t mean you get the first and last say.

With that in mind, focusing too much on a 50/50 or 100/100 solution usually results in one partner sacrificing and complying a bit more, or repeatedly accepting the short end of the stick.

That is why an open line of communication, having flexibility, understanding and respect for one another’s needs and wants around the Holidays are so important.

What can finding compromise look like? It may involve splitting up, sacrificing, or alternating Holidays. For instance, you spend one year with his family for Thanksgiving and yours for Christmas, then swap the next. Maybe your partner doesn’t make a big to-do about Thanksgiving, so you decide to keep that Holiday low-key (just between you two) and then join your families for Holidays like Christmas, New Years, Easter or the 4th of July.

Compromise can sound like:

• “I understand your parents insist on hosting Thanksgiving AND Christmas, but we haven’t visited my parents in years and they deserve to be recognized on those days and not just *whenever* in between.“

• “For the last X years (Thanksgivings, Christmases, Easters or New Years), we’ve flown to visit our families. This year I would like to forgo traveling and stay home.“

• “We can make this fair by going to your family’s home for one Holiday and mine for the other.“

Compromise can also involve accepting certain losses. For example, my husband’s work rotation meant he worked the majority of Holidays – this was something I had to be willing to accept (as a loss) without it jeopardizing the quality of our marriage.

Some other examples may involve individuals who have a fear of flying (so they opt out of long-distance travel) or the spouse who doesn’t participate in or celebrate certain Holidays for religious/non-religious reasons.

Compromise is something you work through and can be an ongoing process – it’s certainly not perfect, and it won’t be, especially when individual Holiday desires and values are vastly different.

At the end of the day, it’s far more important to prioritize that each other’s needs are being met and not consistently one-sided, dismissed, or short-handed.

Honor your marriage first

While this one is mostly for the spouse who won’t compromise, there’s a way for this to apply for both spouses who may struggle to put their marriage first when it comes to Holiday disagreements or inequality.

With evasive, judge-y siblings or a crazy, overbearing mother-in-law… for many, family easily gets under the skin in the wrong ways. Around the Holidays, this seems to manifest tenfold for many individuals. Moreover, many couples feel the pressure to prioritize their family’s wishes over their spouse’s.

For instance, there is the husband who sides with his mother’s demands year after year, begging that they spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her because she lives furthest away and can’t travel. God forbid he disappoints his only mother while disregarding the person he’s married to, right?

The fact is, when you marry, you are separated from your parents and become a new, singular family together (you and your spouse), which is to be honored first and foremost.

Your extended family does not come before your new family (your spouse and kids). This also means that your inherited/passed-down family traditions do not supersede your spouse. Granted, this does not mean one spouse’s wishes should automatically outweigh any or all family ties. Partnership is about making Holiday decisions as a team while respecting both partners’ needs and family relationships, but it certainly doesn’t mean elevating extended family over marriage.

Here are some communicated examples that focus on honoring marriage:

• “I understand that you grew up with certain traditions (with your extended family), but I also want to create and respect our own.“

• “When there’s only one option you can choose, do you prefer the backlash of disappointment from your parents or disappointing me?“
• “I want to show our children what the Holidays are really about – not just what’s expected of us (from others).”

The Holidays or family traditions you have with your extended family, it’s not that those no longer matter or can’t be passed down, but you are to consider those of your spouse as well and to see the value in creating traditions together. Focusing on your marriage first looks like making your spouse’s needs and desires an extension yours, which does mean putting the needs and desires of your spouse ahead of your own. Though, it’s still important to note that marriage also doesn’t mean self-neglect.

Honoring your marriage first can also mean experiencing disappointment from other immediate and extended families. Unfortunately, not all family members may be as supportive of new adaptations, transitions and Holiday family traditions that no longer include them. This can make it difficult for married couples when finding that balance between two, three, or more family household expectations around the Holidays.

For example, within my mom’s side of the family of over 20+ people (spouses, cousins and their children included), couples who married and appeared at family gatherings less we’re often shunned or seen as somehow dishonorable (to the family).

Honoring your marriage first looks like seeking the happiness and satisfaction of your spouse as well as having your marriage’s best interest first versus self-gratification and getting extended family approval.

Family gatherings and traditions should not feel like an obligation

Like I’ve mentioned, I have a rather large extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins (outside of being an only child). When I was younger, my parents and I would make the 2-hour drive to where most of that extended family lived for most major Holidays.

This went on for years, and I could tell this put a lot of unnecessary stress on my parents and strain between them (as well as other family members) every year. In turn, I also felt I had to be extra grateful for something I had no part or say in. Truth be told, as a kid, all I knew is why would I be grateful for something that made my parents distressed?

Eventually, as I got older, my parents stopped making the Holiday trek and this, of course, caused more rifts, gossip and contempt between family members. Alas, this was the first step to an almost inevitable decline or erasure in many of my family-relationships, unfortunately. Funny how that happens.

Even funnier, there are times now that I am an adult when my parents are not as understanding when it comes to the Holidays (with me and my husband) even though they experienced the problem(s) firsthand and sought to break away from the cycle.

I’m sure many others can relate.

Nonetheless, my childhood surrounding the Holidays taught me there can be no joy without obligation. The Holidays became an obligation – moreover this standard or (unwritten, unspoken) set of rules to adhere to in order to keep people happy or uphold appearances. You even buried or brushed things under the rug for the sake of showing up, as if that meant something.

When something’s expected of you, it’s no longer enjoyable, especially when you live under the weight of that standard year after year.

I’m sorry, but if that’s the case, the Holidays are being over-glorified as a means to shame, guilt, manipulate and control those we supposedly Love.

So, the spouse who won’t compromise because of Holiday “obligation” can be tricky. Or maybe you’re the spouse who feels obligated to comply year after year, which is why boundaries may be necessary. This can look like agreeing to attend the Christmas Day gathering but standing firm on your arrival and/or departure time.

Here are some other communicated examples:

• “I want to enjoy spending time with the family on Thanksgiving, but I will not be attending if your [alcoholic, convicted, abusive] cousin is there.“

• “You are welcome to accept their invitation, but I feel more comfortable staying in a hotel than in your parent’s house.“

• “The last minute, additional dishes your mother wants us to bring are not my responsibility. I will only be bringing what I agreed to.“

[Related Read: Boundaries to protect your marriage from an affair]

Don’t exceed the budget over guilt

Everyone has experienced it – feeling the need to get a gift for the work party white elephant gift exchange or distant aunt and uncle you haven’t seen or spoken to in 10 years.

The Holidays always bring about financial distress to many, one way or another. And because financial struggle is a big trigger for marital problems, the Holidays is not the time of year to justify or succumb to over-spending.

As a couple, you need to establish a budget, including money spent on gifts for one another and the kids as well as food, decorations, festivities, and travel expenses. It is never worth beginning a new year in debt just to meet or exceed the participation, material or monetary quota.

Yet having a spouse who over-indulges is never stress-free but stress-inducing. It’s important to be transparent about expenses and spending and to also make it clear that over-spending for the sake of hosting or gift-giving may not come without sacrifice, such as next year’s family summer vacation or that special anniversary getaway.

This can sound like:

• “If we are going to spend more than X on the kid’s gifts, then we will not have the budget to travel to see our families for the Holidays.“

• “We do not have the budget to travel to see both our families on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years this year.“

• “We’ve hosted Thanksgiving for the last X years, and every year it gets more expensive, so it’s best if we take the year off from hosting and focus on saving money.“

• “We can split the budget however you want, but we need a spending cap in place that is non-negotiable.“

Moral of the story is you [1] don’t need to agree to something that makes you feel financially uncomfortable and [2] should NEVER exceed your set budget to avoid showing up empty handed.

If the Holidays are really about togetherness, family, cheer, Love – none of which involves over-performance or material provision – then your presence alone is a gift.

When a boundary is necessary, the consequence may be separation

If you have a difficult spouse who refuses to share the Holidays, communication may not solve everything, or anything. The fact is, you can’t change your partner, nor can you make them see another perspective they aren’t willing.

This sucks, for sure, but the Holidays are consumed with individuals whose heels are dug in so deep. Trying to undo that may only backfire or cause them to dig their heels in more. There are so many couples that say they have spent upwards of 10 years complying with their spouse’s demands or refusal to compromise over Holidays plans.

The absurdity of that reality forces me to say this: when it has become easier to (continue to) disappoint your spouse over extended family or personal desires, there are much larger unresolved issues that compliance simply won’t fix.

So when a boundary is necessary, unfortunately, the consequence may be separation. Remember, a boundary is about what you will do to protect yourself and your own limits, not a way to force your spouse to agree/comply.

Therefore, if separation may be necessary, what I mean is:

• When your spouse continues to have the last word on spending the Holidays with their family, let them know you will be making other arrangements.

• When your spouse expects you to attend the yearly family gathering or party, you tell them you won’t be going this year.

• When your spouse anticipates that you’ll host the Holidays (and their family in your home), as per usual, you inform them (and whoever else that needs to know) that you will be passing the torch to someone else.

• When your spouse throws a fit when you try to alter or change the plans, let them go do the thing(s) they insist on doing but decline involvement.
• When your ideas or plans get shut down, try to fit them into your personal schedule anyway without the expectation of your spouse’s involvement (i.e., you want to go ice skating with your children but your spouse doesn’t – take them ice skating on your own time).
• Communicating to your spouse, “I’m not comfortable traveling this year, so I’ll stay home. You’re welcome to visit your family.”
• Communicating to your spouse, “If you want to host your family in our home, then you are free to do so. I will be spending the Holidays at my parent’s.”

These examples may strike a chilling nerve that is uncomfortable (especially if you have children) – that’s the point. Sure, as I’ve stated, there are going to be times we may have to be willing to accept certain losses, but enabling a problem only makes it worse.

If your spouse will die on the hill of seeing that movie on Christmas Day (year after year) and refuses to see it any other way, you would simply let your spouse go to the movies alone.

Other communicated examples might be,

• “We go to your parent’s every Christmas morning for the past X years. I want the kids to wake up and open presents under our tree in our house. You can insist that your parents come visit our house, or you are free to continue going to your parents if you wish but our children will be having Christmas morning in our home this year.“

• “I don’t want to go out to dinner for Thanksgiving. I understand that’s your ideal tradition, and we did that the last three years in a row, but I will be cooking from home this year. You are not obligated to eat the food I prepare.“

What is the hope in that, you might ask? Well, the hope is your spouse will gain another (better) perspective in marriage, surrounding the Holidays. Particularly of how it feels to get exactly what they want (to see their movie, go to that Christmas party, bend to their extended family’s wishes or demands, eat out on Thanksgiving) but without the unconditional allegiance to their inflexible expectations.

All in all, operating from a place of keeping the peace, when facing confrontation (not avoiding it) can actually be an act of Love with those we care about, is not a healthy or fair solution for both parties.

When this isn’t just a holiday disagreement

This article discusses pressure, guilt, and a spouse who refuses to compromise when making Holiday plans, but it’s also important to distinguish ordinary conflict from repetitive controlling or unsafe behaviors (i.e., abuse). That being said, you are encouraged to seek an appropriate support system or professional you can trust when engaging in confrontation may not be the safest, most sensible approach.