The Secrets On How To Keep Him Interested [& It Starts With You!]

I’ll never forget when someone told me, “If you have to change your identity early on in the dating game, it means you aren’t confident in your true self to be what holds onto a relationship.” More often than not I agreed with this, though there are those that put themselves in the position of failure right from the get-go. And before I go on – being “ghosted” does not apply. Know now – from this point on – that being “ghosted” is not a form of disinterest. Being “ghosted” has nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing to do with you. That is simply someone with hurtful, cowardly intent and lacking moral and character as a person – which is out of your control. And that’s not someone you want personal feedback from, anyhow.

So, please, do not confuse being “ghosted” as his lack there of interest.

A common drawback for me was becoming too invested too quickly, thinking he chose me because there would come a point that he would stop trying to “win me” over, or court me. And I’m old fashioned – a firm believer in courtship – so that was something I sought after.  It was as if I felt free to unleash my new, growing emotions – the good, bad and the ugly.

Boy was I dead wrong. Each and every single time. 

Time and time again this was a continuous cycle for me. I was over it – ultimately I was tired of always putting the blame on the guy, too. Not only did that attitude reflect every previous relationship I had, but it also affected every new relationship to come. And in time, in new relationships, I began to notice a vicious pattern in myself. I knew that if I was going to get the guy I truly deserved, I needed to make a change within myself. It was no longer about losing who I am and giving up my identity in order to hold onto someone. It was realizing the secret to holding my own that would keep him interested.

the secrets On how to

keep him interested

[& it starts with you!]

the key word is “keep“

That means, whatever got him interested in the first place. If he likes your ambitious attitude, spontaneity, or independent spirit – it’s what initially attracted him to you to begin with. It’s up to you to remain aware and acknowledge your unique qualities, and continue to embrace them throughout the relationship.

It’s common to fall into complacency – or emotional attachment – over time. Women likely have this tendency – we do, think and feel based on our emotions – we love to love! And what is likely a natural occurrence in young relationships can also have negative effects if these changes in our emotions arise too quickly and frequently. For example, maybe your independent nature turns into needing more of his time, which means you start giving up more and more of yours. In turn, causing him to retract since your independent quality was what drew him to you in the first place. It’s these subtle changes that can pose as a threat to his interest in you.

So remember: a new relationship is supposed to compliment you and your life, not make or change it.

continue to put yourself above the relationship

It’s just as they say, “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” With that, it’s important to continue to value yourself and your worth. Which means making yourself the top priority – not just the relationship – and never accepting less than what you deserve.

There’s a way to do this without seeming arrogant, off-putting, self centered and selfish.

HINT: It’s all in the attitude.

Avoid putting the rest of your life on the back burner. Meaning, your other friendships, family, responsibilities and self care. They all still matter greatly, if not more now that you are making someone else part of your priorities. It’s easy to become susceptible to sacrificing ourselves for the sake of holding on to a new relationship, which can often be seen as being too available in his eyes.

Have a life – live your own life – outside of the relationship. Don’t stop the Friday night girl’s night, family Sunday dinner or work bowling league twice a week. Why do we assume that a new relationship is about sacrificing what has made us ready for commitment in the first place? There’s more than enough room for a new relationship in our busy lives, but they don’t need to take up all of it.

going overboard won’t win him over

And I’m not talking about flowers or a romantic date night. Much to my surprise, there are still those who firmly believe using “I love you” or sex is what’s bound to keep a man coming back. Granted, going overboard is not just limited to sex and pouring our hearts in word form – it can include giving up all of our time, making ourselves too available and meeting his wants, desires and needs while sacrificing and never reciprocating to our own.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in dating is that giving myself completely – in high hopes of keeping him interested – was never, ever a guarantee. Moreover, it’s as if I was saying:

“Hey, here’s a free prize – no big deal – do what you want with it. I mean, it’d be cool if you took it seriously and didn’t share it with others, but you know – I can’t really expect that of you. I’ll just be sitting here waiting for your validation…” *tisk tisk tisk*

By giving him the entire cake, he’s likely going to be full and craving the next best thing offered to him. Instead, show him what you have to offer in a relationship rather than what you are openly willing to do or give up in order to keep him.

Don’t give him the entire cake – just a SLICE is more than enough to keep him coming back for more. There’s absolutely no need for you to work overtime to meet what you believe are his expectations. Follow your own expectations and have standards in relationships – he will likely be more interested in having to make an effort in keeping you. Plus, if he’s a decent person who is truly interested, he will know that he has to make the same amount of effort without taking advantage.

[Related Read: I’m Not High Maintenance – I have High Standards In Relationships]

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Avoid the inevitable pitfalls of our emotions

All new relationships are about going out of our way to prove ourselves, or expressing our liking for one another. And when things don’t exactly go as planned, or perfect in our eyes – all Hell can break loose. We can become so consumed in the emotional aspect of the relationship, that we completely throw away all logic.

We lose our marbles over the fact he forgot to call one time when he got off work (so we automatically think he’s losing interest), or that he decided to spend Saturday with friends (when every other weekend he always made plans with you, so you assume it’s because there’s someone else in the picture).

Avoid blowing the unnecessary out of proportion. 

Avoid assumption – of the relationship, and him. 

Avoid mothering, smothering and going “bae-wall” on him. Bae-wall: in guy terms, “stage 5 clinger”.

Stop. Stop trying to have complete control of every aspect of the relationship, and him. And when something petty doesn’t go your way, avoid making assumptions and creating mountains out of molehills. Don’t let your jumble of deepening emotions get the best of you, who you are, and the person he met.

Again, he has a life outside of you – just as you should of him. Let him do him, and you keep doing you.