According to logistics and its true definition, there could be a chance – in fact – they didn’t ghost you.
Too often a label gets slapped on someone simply because we don’t like their behavior. The term Ghosting in dating is one of them when, actually, they didn’t ghost you at all.
I realize I’m stepping on hot coals and that even the title of this post is likely to jolt the frustrated and disheartened when it comes to a common dating struggle of our more recent generations in a now heavily technological, online-based world.
From personal experience in the dating world (and online dating realm), I had my own run-in with what would be classified as ghosting today.
I would have been ghosted and accused of ghosting many times!
In fact, many would say I ghosted my husband when I first met him online. For context, I stopped replying after a handful of exchanged messages because he would repeatedly put the conversation to death with dead end, one-word statements. Months later he reached out, again – with a question this time – asking, “Are you alive?” And the rest has been history now 10 married years later.
I am not, in any way, condoning poor behavior, therefore I do not approve of ghosting as a way to end a relationship (*yes, aside from the sometimes extreme and necessary circumstances).
And from this post I am not, by any means, justifying the true nature and malicious intent behind ghosting. But let’s remember, by definition, what ghosting actually is:
It is the calculated ending of a mutually invested, intimate relationship or connection with someone by suddenly, and without explanation or knowledge, withdrawing from all communication and ceasing interaction altogether.
*Exhale*
Okay, now we have to consider what dating means when many tend to treat it like relationships. FYI – it’s not. I don’t know about you but, for me, dating does not mean commitment or exclusivity, nor does it guarantee mutual connection or investment.
That’s the dating risk(s).
I will hold the hand of today’s dating culture when I say this…but ghosting is being used as a term we already have, and that’s called rejection (disinterest).
The thing is, ghosting behavior has always existed – rejection isn’t anything new. The term came to fruition, and its popularity of use when the behavior was exhibited in committed [exclusive], long-term relationships. For instance, when the husband up and leaves his wife of seven years without a warning or trace – like, *poof*, he’s gone and never seen or heard from again.
That’s heavy. There’s painful significance for the use of the term in that scenario because we’re considering the committed, long-term foundation between a husband and wife.
But when we use the term in a scenario where the guy simply doesn’t call after a first date, we’re somehow equating the impact to be similar when the two situations are not even remotely comparable. The term ghosting is now concentrated in the dating pool involving individuals who barely know each other let alone share exchanged feelings beyond the surface.
This is a major part of the problem, because we are essentially equating rejection in dating to the wife who’s husband inexplicably abandoned nearly a decade of marriage.
That being said, IMO, the ghosting label is widespread because people [1] have become hyper-sensitive to rejection, [2] apply the term ghosting and its original severity and casualty to casual dating (i.e., connections with little to no foundation), and [3] assume mutual investment within a “contract-less”, non-exclusive and non-committal dynamic.
Again, I’m not condoning ghosting logistics, period, but we need to better understand how we are confusing and misusing this term while increasingly throwing it around like word vomit, especially in situations that aren’t actually considered ghosting.
My focus is to unpack the logistics of ghosting (even if I don’t believe it belongs in the dating realm to begin with), and how in certain scenarios it is being falsely accused.
Nonetheless, it definitely sucks to feel played and betrayed by someone who you felt had potential after two weeks of knowing them or after getting up close and intimate fairly early on. Hookup culture doesn’t help this [use of] ghosting epidemic, either.
Why else would society initiate dating as that buffer between singlehood and commitment if it weren’t for the sake of no strings attached (“Hey, no hard feelings,”)? Except nowadays, apparently, you can be ghosted after the first date or from solely exchanging flirty texts for a short period of time.
With online dating as now an alternative source for finding a romantic connection, we act like we’re not ghosting the very people who slide into our messages yet leave them on Read because we simply don’t like what we see in their pictures or read on their profile. We have to be willing to draw the line somewhere without blanketly renaming disinterest as ghosting.
Unfortunately, when technology has made it a lot easier to seek, initiate, and make connections with others, it has also made it a lot easier to throw them away, pretend they don’t exist and move on to the next without having to consider or regard the other person’s feelings.
I get it – that IS a real problem, but I’ve said that ghosting has always existed prior to technology and social media.
Back then (pre social media, texting, cell phone, and even internet era) we weren’t always in constant contact with people. We also didn’t necessarily have the means to be connected to someone (everyone) anywhere, anytime. At one point, someone could ‘ghost’ another by simply not returning a phone call, a letter or not showing up at the arranged and agreed meeting place (never to be seen again).
Thanks to easy and demanding access to technology at our fingertips at all times, and through multiple avenues, we are consumed by hyper-connectivity. As a result of being in this chronic state, we’re much more easily offended and affected by others.
Honestly, it’s no wonder everyone is let down easily and so disappointed by everyone all the time. Dating in itself is no longer an anticipated pleasure, but an ever-growing pain in the a**.
Unfortunately, the term ghosting in dating has simply become a default replacement for passive disinterest and the logistics of the term are being misused as a way to avoid dealing with our personal triggers (of rejection). So if we are to look at just the logistics of ghosting in the dating world, I’m going to give you examples of when, in fact, he is not ghosting you at all.
Hold onto your hats because many of you aren’t going to like this one.
Actually, he’s not ghosting you (7 Signs)
As always, the thoughts, insights, beliefs and opinions expressed throughout this post are my own. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!
They had to address and press a violated boundary
Aside from the fact we are all likely to cross over some lines in the sand with others, even though we mean well, it may be hard of hearing or strike a nerve when someone you like calls you out on something and ultimately puts their foot down. Or, in the case of ghosting, they sweep you under the rug.
LBR, especially when that someone is a fresh, romantic interest. But we must acknowledge that individual preferences, limitations, deal breakers, and dating boundaries do exist…and for good reason. When our preferences aren’t met, limitations are exceeded, deal breakers pop up, and boundaries are over-stepped, things change. Feelings can change, and rather quickly, might I add. Though I’ll go as far as to say, yet dance around it very lightly, that someone who really likes you is likely to be merciful and more forgiving.
Don’t shoot the messenger, but we can’t deny there are certain things we’ve tolerated in certain people we wouldn’t in others. Myself included here.
So, when you “overstepped” by Following their close friends and siblings on IG after Date #1 (whom you’ve yet to be properly introduced to), or when you showed up at their place unannounced (after having slept there for the first time the night prior), this may be unapologetically normal and acceptable behavior to you.
Except it may not be for them. See, when feelings are still young, fragile, wobbly or slow-paced after only seeing each other – I don’t know – 3, 4, 5 times (total), their impression of you is still pretty open for alteration.
The paint is still pretty fricken wet, you know what I mean?
They are getting to know you, after all. Sudden or intense alterations may throw up caution signs. For them it’s giving red flag vibes, which can quickly shift their feelings for you in another direction.
Therefore, if they did – in some fashion – address something they weren’t fond over, had to reinforce a boundary with you (that you either took personally or failed to respect), and they went no contact…they didn’t ghost you.
They simply followed through with a consequence.
And that’s just it – there have definitely been situations where someone pushed my limitations, overstepped my boundaries (i.e., dating red flags) or behaved in a way that grossly altered my feelings for them (very quickly) and that sabotaged my interest in them. At the end of the day, they were taken back by me simply stating, “Hey, can we not?” and I decided that relinquishing that connection was no longer my responsibility.
We can’t act like this isn’t uncommon.
In the end, and people simply won’t receive it well, but there are certainly times when salvaging surface-level feelings for someone we hardly know so early on in dating don’t require an eloquent send-off or explanation.
They spelled out their need for space
When I was dating, as an adult seeking a relationship, I still valued my space and personal time.
Again, and here’s the kicker, if I was truly, truly interested in someone I was naturally inclined to wanting less space and personal time. Yet I was still capable of declining a date (with someone I liked) simply out of preference for a self-care night to myself or to honor other commitments I already made.
BUT, if I really had to spell this one out for someone (i.e., needing personal space), I was usually left feeling obligated to sacrifice personal space and time beyond my capacity (limitation). They would even sometimes say things that made me feel guilty about it – ew. I’ll just leave it at that and reiterate to the point before this one.
Bottom line is, space in relationships [a healthy level] is crucial. Yet we typically believe someone we’re dating who wants or likes their space is uninterested. Tell me I’m wrong.
Again, as someone who programmatically requires personal time to recharge, when I was really interested in someone, I actually wanted to spend as much time with them as I was able. Even if that meant burn out – FYI, also isn’t healthy.
That being said, getting to know someone doesn’t equate to this anticipated entitlement of their sole interest, prioritization, devotion and time. If someone you’re dating or just started dating had to ask for space or demand it and, as a result, disappeared from the radar…they didn’t ghost you.
They told you exactly what they want…which is separation from you.
They’ve made their intentions known and clear
Let’s talk casual. You know, you’re with someone who strictly told you that they want to keep things light, free, and open. Casual. Anything that spells *they just want to have fun* with zero strings, go with the flow, no commitments and can cancel their membership anytime (no fees and restrictions apply).
Maybe that’s you, too – you also just want casual.
Dating in and of itself is strictly casual. It doesn’t give people a free pass to be butthole human beings, but dating says, “Hey, if I don’t like you, no hard feelings, okay?” Dating means no one is tied to another, though we have the most difficult time understanding and accepting that.
Casual is why dating exists in the first place, because its self-focused at its core since the goal is to keep options open while getting to know someone. Dating is selfish – there, I said it, since many won’t and aren’t going to admit it.
[Related Read: Thanks to Hookup Culture, dating is now ruined]
Dating exists because people didn’t want to be “tied down” and committed to just one person, they wanted options with an easy “out” without all the emotional investment or chaos, nor did they want to be in anyone’s debt since dating was designed for ease and convenience. Nobody said dating was the perfect dynamic for everyone, and many will even go as far as to abuse it.
Then it is also safe to say that if someone you’re just dating has made their casual intentions clear (and have not given you any inclination that says otherwise) then it is already established that they are not bound to you. Meaning they do not have to inform you if, when, how, or why it comes to an end (between you).
Granted, we tend to expect human decency we aren’t able to measure up to ourselves – let’s be real. And, no, this is not me giving the person who ghosted you a Get Out of Jail Free Card. The reality is we won’t always get the brutal honesty we claim to handle maturely.
Remember, if you’re leaving people on Read in your DMs…that would mean you’re ghosting them, too, because you’re not up front with your intentions or being considerate of their feelings.
I digress. Now it seems people blame vague, misleading, or indirect wording or false validation for steering them into believing feelings were either evident or mutual.
The thing is if the answer is not a hard Yes, it’s a No. So why are we assigning potential value to the things we shouldn’t? For example:
- When you ask someone if they’re looking for a relationship and their response deflects or aims to dodge an affirmative Yes, like, “If the right person comes along at the right time,” or “I don’t like to put that kind of pressure on things when you’re getting to know someone.” This is their way of going with the flow and seeking an “out” for when/if something better comes along or in order to leave the door open to simply dip.
- You notice they are treating you differently after you’ve been intimate, or because you’ve been intimate you experience failed anticipation that their feelings for you would grow exponentially and that their affection for you would show or increase. Unfortunately… sex in dating is not an indication, agreement, or confirmation of someone’s feelings, investment, intention, commitment or respect for you.
- They tell you (or even show you) they are invested in you but have never actually reinforced that it’s only you. They do this slyly by making you aware of how important/special you are (even by way of Love-bombing) and then counteracting with grossly specific red flags. There’s this distinct hot and cold behavior going on, because maintaining a level of uncertainty creates this falsified chemistry without genuine, evidential investment.
Unfortunately, casual dating can get a bit blurry (rightfully so if you’re not dating for commitment). But if you agree to or consent to something strictly casual and they have made their casual intentions (whether by word or action) known and clear…they didn’t ghost you when they casually decide to move on to wherever the wind blows them next.
You’re not satisfied with what [answer, closure] they’ve given you
Fact: nobody owes you anything – not even an explanation. Reiterating my point from above when I said people basically expect an Exit statement but can’t accept that they may not always get one.
You also may not like the answer or closure you get.
Say you’ve been on a handful of dates with someone, and it’s going so well in your eyes, but maybe you’re unsure on their end. Uncertainty is the red flag here, and maybe it’s pretty evident, so it’s a lot like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Meanwhile, you continue to give this person the benefit of the doubt (over and over) or willfully choose to ignore clear signs of disinterest (even if they’re passive).
From my dating generation, as a Millennial, it wasn’t ghosting if someone dwindled from the limelight – as in they stopped calling and texting, made excuses for not getting together, consistently cancelled plans, completely went MIA and was never to be seen or heard from again.
It simply meant they weren’t or were no longer interested. We didn’t call it anything else – we took it at face value and moved on. There really was no need for a formal Exit interview or two-week notice. Besides, no answer is still an answer, whether it’s the one we want and expect or not.
Again, this pertains to dating, not exclusively committed relationships. The term only first appeared as to describe relationships where one partner disappeared and left the relationship without a trace (reason, closure, or answer).
We can claim immaturity and lack of human decency all we want, but time and time again we are told by professionals that we are also allowed to change our minds and walk away, without explanation, even if that means without a word or going no contact. For instance,
- No longer entertaining drama/gossip or engaging with a friend who said things about you behind your back.
- Not responding to [flirtatious/forward] DMs, texts, or phone calls from those attempting to “pursue” you who you’re not interested in.
- Deleting/blocking accounts/individuals (on social media) that do not or no longer serve you or “spark joy” in your life.
- Going “no contact” with family members or ex-partners who are not or no longer a positive influence, support system or role model in your life.
- Declining or not responding to an offer or invitation with or without reason.
Granted, that doesn’t make ghosting behavior okay or acceptable, but I think ghosting in the dating realm only serves to highlight answers we’re simply not satisfied with or willing to accept. For example, in dating:
- When their effort starts to fizzle or their behavior goes hot and cold; the frequency and quality of their texts or phone calls, and their efforts to initiate, make and commit to plans dwindle. This has always been called Bread-crumbing of disinterest, not ghosting.
- When they are wishy-washy about their feelings for you; one minute they show you they like you and then you’re doubting it the next. They can’t be up front and honest with how they feel about you or they only tell you what you want to hear (not on their own accord). This has always been known as emotional unavailability, not ghosting.
- When they refuse or fail to prioritize and consider your time, energy and effort; you continue to prioritize your energy, effort and time into them while tolerating low-quality behaviors or even maltreatment. Evidential disinterest (and disrespect) isn’t considered ghosting when you can smell death from a mile away!
- When they fail to or wrongly acknowledge your innate value; they refuse to show up because they’re more focused on what you bring to the table. How can this even remotely be considered ghosting when it’s clear that their feelings for you are based on what you can offer them?
Remember, poor, undesirable behavior and maltreatment is also an answer. No answer is also an answer…it’s not always ghosting. It just may not be the answer or confirmation we like or expect.
They made a claim or promise without the evidence to back it up
So they told you things like, “I really like you,“, “I really want to see you again,“, “I see myself with you,” or “I only have eyes for you.” The thing is, do we understand what a false claim is in the dating world?
He says he really likes you, but that isn’t backed up when he only calls/texts sparingly with vague, one-word answers. He says he wants to see you and that he’s serious, but that isn’t backed up when every weekend is another excuse for why he’s going out with the boys instead.
He says he sees himself with you, but that isn’t backed up when he’s being tagged in posts with other random women. He says he only has eyes for you, but that isn’t being backed up when he follows, Likes and interacts with female models, influencers and other random women on his socials.
Ghosting occurs when there is no real evidential awareness, previous knowledge or anticipation, whereas him making false claims and promises to you is him telling you without telling you where his head and heart are at.
He’s not ghosting you, he’s indirectly displaying or backdoor foreshadowing his intent. Unfortunately, leading you astray is simply the by-product of believing and relying on false claims to begin with.
He can’t ghost you if he wasn’t once alive
You know, a dead person was once alive, right? Well, if he’s a ghost it was because he was once alive. If he ghosts you, it was because there was once life (something real and alive) between you.
Am I starting to make sense here?
What does that look like? I mean, if I’m going to define life between you I’m going to call it a shared foundation – a substantial connection you built together. Or a promise you both made, agreement you shared, an account you both invested in, a bond you each nurtured, etc. etc..
It was something made up of more than just surface-level *feelings* and some fun nights out getting to know each other. It’s more than just casual intimacy.
Does this necessarily mean you have to be in a relationship, per say? Not exactly, there are those who just date someone for a very long time (for months or years, even). Basically, for something to suddenly die (disappear, vanish) it has to have once been real or living.
They never actually initiated or insinuated interest in the first place
Now I understand this one can be a little confusing, because why would someone play house if they weren’t at all interested in buying? The people to have ghosted are predominantly those who, at one point, seem or appear interested, right? Or, at the very least, they’re receptive to another’s interest (in them).
I think there are some pretty simple explanations to consider.
- People like to talk. Whether they’re interested romantically, find you interesting or not. We can’t act like it’s impossible to [want to] interact with someone solely out of the desire to conversate if for no further reason.
The same reason we can’t assume that just because a stranger converses with you they suddenly and automatically want to be your friend.
This includes people dating online – there’s plenty of people on there who are simply seeing what it’s about, seeing what kind of people are on there, and if any possibilities ring to be true – nothing more. - People like the attention. Hello, there are those who will nurse the bottle they’re being fed even if they won’t go back for seconds. Let’s not pretend the flattery isn’t nice to enjoy without further motives, reciprocation or returning the favor.
- Ladies, there are far and FEW reasons guys will turn down an opportunity. When I say guys will shoot their shot or take the win being handed to them, I mean it, regardless of their intention.
We really can’t take every single act or word as assumed interest. Receptivity does not mean guaranteed interest, either. So when he says, “If I wasn’t interested, I wouldn’t have replied back,” we really shouldn’t automatically assign that as gospel. It’s a mere steppingstone, not absolute confirmation.
As difficult as it may be, ladies, we’re really good at taking a, “I had a really good time tonight,” as to mean, “I want to marry you.” So no wonder it burns like hell when a guy says that to ultimately never get back with you about a following date.
Fact of the matter is, the wordage is nice and all but that alone doesn’t affirm interest. He could have legitimately had a good time…when that may be totally true, but that simply be it.
We already say it enough, “They wouldn’t [reach out, ask for your number, set up a date to meet, call you the next day, text you goodnight, etc.] if they weren’t interested,“…but we really have to be careful that we aren’t labeling everything as interest or blowing things up bigger than they are, especially right off the bat.
Interest is genuine when it is built and earned, not paid. Meaning, interest isn’t based on singular words or actions, it’s a cumulative foundation. That doesn’t mean we go on claiming everything as disinterest or deceptive interest, either. A person’s true intentions are exhibited over time, consistently. Yet we tend to fall for the trickery in that a simple text response equates to the value of I Love You.
So even if he asked for your number, that doesn’t insinuate genuine interest if he never calls. You literally can’t ghost something that never was or that you didn’t have in the first place (which is cumulative proof).