What having a “type” actually means and where it stems from, why your dating type may be more restricting than helpful, and how to evolve from dating strictly within your type – these are questions you will find answers to within this post.
If your dating type has consistently failed, then this post is definitely for you. First, I want to clear something out of the way – incompatibility is inevitable with or without having a type, so keep that in mind. Also, keep in mind, you might not actually be compatible with your dating type.
Here’s the thing: almost everyone would likely say they have a type, whether based on looks, personality, certain characteristics or even style (aesthetics; i.e., you go for someone who is more Goth or Country). Dating types can be broad or more narrow, descriptive, superficial and, in some cases, totally unrealistic – let’s be real.
But before we move on, take a moment and really reflect on your ideal or recurring dating type, and hold onto this while reading this post.
I think the bigger picture of having a dating type is lost once it literally becomes the face or sole focus of your dating lens, especially when it comes to finding Love. And that’s just it – many believe their type is this gateway to true Love, relationship compatibility and fulfillment.
I hope to help you reconsider that belief…and the hype behind your dating type.
If you still haven’t found relationship success from your dating type, read this
Having a type has become a dating burden
Now reflect back to your dating type. I’ll bet there are multiple physical and material attributes listed. That’s okay, don’t panic.
Material attributes consist of personal lifestyle, common stereotypes (i.e., the “hipster” vibe, real “southern gentlemen”, or tattooed musician “band geek”), personal aesthetics (i.e., taste in clothes and music, smoking/drinking, hairstyle, kind of car, self-care routine, etc.), the size of his wallet, the level of rank or “prestigious-ness” in his job title, social status or fan base (i.e., a fitness influencer, celebrity).
But what happens when you stumble upon your ideal type…the guy with the luxuriously long, Fabio-like, man-bun style hair, a walking nomad who teaches kids abroad for a living…but you tower over him by a couple inches (in heels)?
Here’s what I’m getting at: Is it REALLY ever logical to expect to find someone that checks off every single attribute on your list? At what point is finding the right person more important than the right partner? Person-wise, he may be a solid dude (great guy, loved by all) but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a great, solid partner.
We ALL have [physical] preferences – this is totally natural. That’s what they should be preferences, not ultimatums. Having a dating type is quite literally a story we’ve created about someone that we’ve now associated with attraction and interest. The feeling(s) we get may be real, I won’t deny that part, but these feelings can easily overpower what actually is (who they truly are).
That being said, leaning so heavily towards your dating type may be more a burden when you’re not only getting to know the persona of them you created versus who they actually are. How many people have the opportunity to date a celebrity, only to find out the person is the opposite of who they thought they were (because their dating type was the person that celebrity was in their shows or movies)?
Ways to evolve from dating just your type:
- Start treating your type as a list of preferences, not a strict zero alternative.
- Rearrange your preferences by vital importance – consider what you will and will not accept, zero exceptions (i.e., smoking, tattoos, has kids, etc.), and start making the necessary adjustments/eliminations accordingly.
- Consider the fact that people’s looks, personal style, and even lifestyle changes – with age, time, growth, maturity, etc. – as will yours.
- Shift your focus from the things that initially attract you to someone (like that of your type) and instead seek connection and compatibility in a future partner.
Reflect on this prompt: If you found the list-perfect person tomorrow, how would you feel if they labeled you as not their type? Just a little introspection as to why we shouldn’t treat having a type with such permanence.
A type often goes deeper than just preferences
Having a dating type can mean far more than what’s pleasing to the eye. There are quirks, traits, habits, attitude, confidence, and strengths as well as the dark parts of our personalities, conditioning, learned behaviors, personal trauma and our individual, unresolved wounds.
Hopefully you know where I’m going with this. What makes The Bad Boy so appealing? And for the guys, let’s go with the stereotypical Little Goody Two-shoes Virgin Mary or the Cornst*r type.
You don’t just suddenly wake up one day and realize, “*This* is the type of person I HAVE to be with!“
Is it possible your dating type mirrors familiarity to you? For instance, if you grew up with an absent mother or father, a wishy-washy partner might be comfortably familiar. Your nervous system recognizes this pattern of behavior, which may be why you find yourself gravitating to certain traits, qualities or personalities in a partner (that aren’t always positive).
That’s not a type, that’s a conditioning, and you could be fantasizing over someone for the wrong reasons. The reality could very well be that your type is simply not realistic or healthy for you.
Ways to evolve from dating just your type:
- If you notice or have a consistent pattern (beyond harmless incompatibility) in relationships with those of your type, take the steps to understand from an introspective viewpoint (a professional can serve as your best help in what needs to be surfaced).
- Start analyzing your type by asking why – why do I go after/welcome/chase people who _______ (i.e., fall head over heels for me and then disappear), why am I attracted to this *behavior, *trait, *personality, *vibe in someone, etc.?
- Ask yourself what role you may be playing, and whether your type is worth clinging to.
Having a type feels safe because it’s what you know
It feels familiar because it’s what you know like the back of your hand. You’ve experienced before – it’s predictable, and it offers you this false sense of control.
On the flip side, having a type can also make you feel stuck. Or depleted, empty, and exhausted – you’re tired of going round and round on the same merry-go-round. Being stuck can mean being inhibited from new experiences, upholding personal standards, personal growth and stability, as well as simply breaking out from your comfort zone.
Familiarity does not equal safety, security, or compatibility. Familiarity is also not chemistry. Compatibility and connection fuel chemistry.
Remember, a “type” isn’t purely about looks or superficial, identical attributes from person to person. Even all “bad boys” are uniquely different. So just because you dated someone of a different ethnicity or culture doesn’t mean you don’t attract or seek types of people based on patterns of behavior or even similar/shared past experiences.
It may be easier to understand it like this: a partner that treats you poorly may feel so familiar, normal, or even acceptable (because this is not new to you – *poor treatment being a familiar childhood experience), and this trend from partner to partner goes quietly unnoticed as you attribute your worthiness of Love to self-neglect.
How you can evolve outside of your “type”
- Become more aware of your own behavior and unconscious beliefs (about yourself and what you deserve) – notice the patterns that are no longer serving or working for you.
- Understand the balance of 1. you cannot control, convince or love someone “harder” into loving you, and 2. you are also a product of your environment, that which you can change. In other words, having a “type” is no good reason to allow yourself to continue being burned – move away from the flames.
- Start making small steps outside your comfort zone, away from your “type” – avoid negatively associating positive behaviors/scenarios (i.e., when you meet someone that often gives you flowers, avoid generalizing that person as “sucking up” or having done something wrong).