This really isn’t a foreign concept. People use people all. the. time. for personal gain, sex, money, drugs, attention, a place to live, transportation, security, self-image (“the ego“), getting over an EX or a rebound, emotional stability, a green card, love, approval, acceptance, and even as a way to reinforce unresolved trauma.
In a few newer posts, I talk a little bit about my belief that Love is actually not selfless (like we’ve been taught), but that can be a pretty big pill to swallow so I won’t dive into that in this post. You can read more into that here, and here.
To put that into perspective, though, we all use people. BUT, that’s not why you’re here…because there’s obviously major separation between someone who is consciously, deliberately, and maliciously using you without any regard, self-responsibility, or accountability. And these are [some of] the signs as well as actions to take.
How to know if a guy is using you + how to clap back
He will only see or talk to you on “his terms”
If it seems like you only get together when it’s convenient for him – only certain days (minus the whole normal work schedule bit), odd or strict hours – this is a red flag. Your significant other may simply be using you for the convenience and level of companionship you’re willing to offer let alone tolerate.
This is also controlling behavior, which means for as long as the relationship caters to serve his best interest (the ball always being in his court, so to speak) he will choose to run with it without consideration or regard for your needs and wants. Whether it be a busy schedule or having an excuse for every failed attempt to get together – if he can’t make time for you other than what is solely convenient for him, he has zero intention to invest in a real relationship.
How to clap back? Don’t be so available. And, no, that isn’t a “mind game” – that’s called prioritizing yourself first instead of constantly sitting at an empty train station hoping and waiting for its arrival (that may never come), and also not stepping onto the first train that docks without considering your time and energy.
His ulterior motive for getting together is to hook up
This shouldn’t be too difficult to see. If you only get together for short periods, at one another’s place, at all odd hours of the night/morning, or out of frequent last-minute planning – that smells like “I’m just trying to get it in“. Substance to the date/time together or not, when you get the feeling your time together requires a certain result or ending, it’s time to consider whether he actually respects you and your time. Using others for sexual gratification can be seamless and tricky when you’re bombarded with the high or butterflies.
Now surely this comes with the exception of two individuals who are DTF or totally cool with this assumption. But for those that aim to “take things slow” when it comes to the progression of a genuine relationship or dating intentionally (with a purpose), this is your forewarning. Do not confuse connection with chemistry – if you engage sexually with your significant other, that’s not necessarily saying it’s a bad thing. But low-key, because this needs to be said, you should be able to be around one another (kissing, cuddling, etc.) without it always having to lead to sex.
Ultimately, if someone is not solely physically invested, they won’t have the expectation of getting down and dirty every time they are with you.
How to clap back? Honor your personal boundaries even if there’s risk. Let him know you’re not comfortable feeling like sex is a “default” when you’re together (this can also feel like coercion, to the point you might even be afraid to simply kiss because it somehow means “more”), and stop being afraid to say no when you’re in doubt or not feeling it.
[Related Read: 9 Texting habits of the guy that LEGIT likes you]
He continually puts off or downplays being exclusive
*People may want to take things slow; we also have to define what slow is (this requires open communication). And slow ranges differently for everyone, so that is something you have to be willing to take into consideration.
But we live in a day in age where we actually communicate less even though we are given all the capabilities to connect more. Enough is enough with the whole unspoken rule (AKA “guessing game”) of where and which direction you’re ‘casual thing’ or relationship is going.
That we’re just supposed to go with the flow down a river never ventured without a paddle, let alone a f*cking map. I’m sorry, no.
If he doesn’t believe in “labels” (AKA boyfriend and girlfriend exclusivity), what they’re actually conveying is they simply have no intention to commit. If he refrains from discussing exclusivity, makes ongoing [new] excuses to not be defined as a ‘couple’, and publicly treats you as a friend in front of his crew – take those as your sign he just isn’t CAPABLE of giving you what you’re looking for.
How to clap back? Again, honor your personal boundaries. Let him know how important it is for you to be on the same page or in alignment and that your ultimate goal is an exclusive commitment, not to keep your options open for if/when something better comes along. And if he can’t respect that, then he’s letting you know what he values most at this point.
He tips the scale heavily one-sided
If you know me, you know that I actually don’t believe in the whole 50/50 thing. Why? It’s simple: because it’s unrealistically impossible to achieve. The scales will always, always be somewhat off, teetering, imbalanced, whatever you want to call it. Think 60/40, 49/51 – one person is bound to always be doing more or less.
But when the scale is detrimentally heavy on one side, and you’re left with nothing else to give – you’ll feel it, quite literally. It will feel like you can’t depend on him, that you have no immediate and lasting impact or influence, and that you carry the weight of keeping the relationship afloat while he’s simply enjoying the view.
You know, things like: coming to your aid when you get a flat tire, skipping the gym for a day just to be able to see you once that week with your crazy schedules, or bringing you soup when you’re sick. It’s in our social nature to do things for one another, with or without being asked of, and as you engage in a deeper relationship with someone – some of those things will be a little more above and beyond at times. *And as of being married for 5 years, I will also say going above and beyond can fizzle – effort ebbs and flows, this is normal.
But early on in dating or in a relationship, you might feel you go out of the box for him, but it’s rarely or never reciprocated. Or at a time when you needed him the most, he just simply wasn’t there or refused to be there. This severity of imbalance in effort (willingly, or refusal when asked of) is merely a lack of emotional investment. Simple as that.
How to clap back? Start placing more of your efforts into you. You don’t need to go above and beyond in order to keep someone, nor can you love someone harder to ensure they’ll love you back.
He instills double standards
Sneaky and very common in society and especially relationships.
A definition of a double standard is when someone has the freedom to think, say, or do something they believe another person cannot. In relationships, these are often tied to sex, trust, gender/partnership roles, and money. They are a sign of disrespect and are even a form of manipulation.
Some examples are:
Guy: “Hey, next time we have sex could you, like, shave down there?”
Girl: “Why do I have to? You have hair down there and I don’t tell you what to do with it.”
Guy: “Well…you shave your armpits and your legs, so that’s just what makes women ‘sexier’.” [DOUBLE STANDARD]
Girl: “I don’t really like the fact you talk to so many women at work…”
Guy: “Okay, but you work with all men at your job. I don’t tell you you can’t talk to them.”
Girl: “Well, that’s different. I’m a woman – and my initial desire for talking to men isn’t for sex. Guys talk to women because they have sexual incentives…” [DOUBLE STANDARD]
Guy: “We need to start saving more and spending less. Can you talk to me before you go out on a spending spree?”
Girl: “So I’m not allowed to get my hair and nails done every 8 weeks, but it’s ok that you go buy fishing gear and parts for your car whenever you feel like?”
Guy: “That’s different – those things are necessities. Getting your hair and nails done is a luxury.” [DOUBLE STANDARD]
How is he using you in this manner, you ask? By making you question/alter your autonomy, individuality, and personal freedoms, he’s using you as a way to manipulate, control, and change you. And if this type of behavior inhabits your relationship frequently, it’s safe to say your significant other doesn’t respect you, lacks qualities of basic humility (like compassion, empathy, and compromise), and has unrealistic expectations of you and a relationship.
How to clap back? Stop tolerating this behavior. It’s merely impossible to reason with someone who has a superior complex without sacrificing or abandoning yourself.
[Related Read: 3 BIG money questions DATING couples need to start asking]
No matter the situation, you’re always to blame
It could be about dinner being burnt to a crisp, the fact he had a bad day at work, or why some of his friends haven’t hit him up to hang since you got together. Being with someone who enjoys pointing the finger in your direction for everything is unhealthy, destructive, and abusive. It is also a good reflection of how that person feels about themselves.
He’s using you as a scapegoat for his own faults, flaws, shortcomings, insecurities, and shame.
How to clap back? Stop saving him from digging his own grave. Remove yourself from conversations or situations that require you to get on his level, by minimizing yourself, and start showing up more for you rather than rescuing him (by taking the blame, tolerating poor treatment, and doing whatever you feel is necessary to excuse or justify his behavior) in order to keep the peace and preserve the relationship.
He frequently ignores you, leaves you on read or goes MIA for dayssss
This behavior can mean ignoring your messages, seeming frequently distracted or withdrawn in your presence (not paying a cent of attention or attuning to you at all), segregating you around his friends (as if you’re basically an aquaintence, at best), closes you off in public and private (goes hot and cold with affection and attention), and even goes as far as periodically ghosting you altogether for days or weeks on end.
What keeps him coming back and cycle going? The better question to ask is: who is going to turn down a free, available meal? He knows you’ll stick around for what little he brings to the table, and uses you for what you’re willing to dish in return.
The focus is his sexual release, then he’s out
There should be no reason to spell this one out. If the deed is always one-sided (his sexual fulfillment), and is never reciprocated or made a priority on your end – your significant other is using you for sexual gratification, nothing more.
He won’t let you meet his friends and/or family
I mean, honestly, this is a question to ask yourself: what would BE a legitimate reason for you to NOT introduce someone you’re dating (or in a relationship with) to your friends, parents, or family members?
If none of that seems to ring true or make sense in the reality of your current situationship, then it’s safe to say he has no intention of allowing you in or to be a part of his roots. And unless this was previously and mutually discussed, arranged, and agreed to, he’s with you for short-term companionship and fulfillment.
You are his personal ATM
If you do anything fun together its because you pay, you take care of his groceries and toiletries, you even pay his rent or your rent combined (because he “can’t”), and maybe at the end of the day you’re the only one with a paying, stable job.
I’m far more traditional, so the idea of “my wallet is his wallet” and vice versa in non-marital relationships (and especially in dating) is a hell-no-go for me. Yet, alas, many often use money as a way to establish security and control.
“If I help him pay his phone bill this month [for nearly the 3rd time in a row], he’ll see me as ‘good’, worthy, and want to be with me.” So help me God the number of people who make it rain dolla-bills for someone (when they can’t even afford to stay afloat themselves), even for those they hardly know or met ONLINE, then sit back and wait for the return value to just come sweeping in like a Prince on horseback. When it doesn’t, they’re hooked on repeating this very cycle because they swoon over the fact someone needs them, and they’re literally paying for it.
Ma’am, he is not your responsibility. You are not a vessel for his financial stability. If your SO tends to stick around because his love can be bought, then he is using you for financial support.
He mooches off you
If you act like his mother, he will treat you like his mother. This will become normal, and thus the expectation of the role whose shoes you filled is created. I shouldn’t need to go into too much depth here other than that he unwelcomely claims your home and everything in it be, “Su casa, mi casa.“
And he does so ungratefully and self-righteously without repayment. Because, well, in his mind why would he need to – him being with you is enough, right?
Sure, there’s a blurry spectrum as to what consists of someone taking advantage – him staying over at your place per your invite obviously doesn’t play a part – but if he’s using you like he a free Continental breakfast at The Marriot he won’t have any regard or respect for your personal space, ownership, and privacy.
Courtship is non-existent or comes to a screaming halt
Has he suddenly stopped being a gentleman? Are you the only one initiating and keeping the romance alive? When was the last time (if ever) he asked you out on a proper date? It isn’t much of a surprise for people to use courtship to falsely mislead or take advantage, just as it is almost inevitable for couples to become complacent in relationships when it comes to the romance.
And for those who don’t believe or want no part of courtship, you can treat this section as you would the scale of balance in effort. Is it heavily one-sided? Likewise, there’s always the risk/possibility someone is simply using you for a good, fun time.
You’ve confirmed that you aren’t the only one
Direct and in your face, you saw the text. Or vaguely, maybe he’s keen on keeping things casual with you. There isn’t much else you need to know here – but that you are not the only prospect in his life.
And it’s as blatant as that: your significant other is using you for the aspects you readily acquire, and getting the rest, or more, from someone else. He isn’t committed to you, yet continues to drag you along because you tolerate it.
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