“What you allow is what will continue.“
“The treatment we tolerate from others is a reflection of how we treat ourselves.“
“Your worth is not determined by being at someone’s disposal or your ability to betray/sacrifice yourself for others.“
Just a little dating food for thought there, since I am speaking from the very position where I, too, romanticized some of these common dating red flags. Dating in itself is a way to peel back the onion layers of compatibility. Some onions are straight up rotten, yet we continue to romanticize sh*tty people, or *partners*, in hopes the beast will somehow transform into Prince Charming. We do this when we shove those low-quality behaviors, and our own dignity, under the rug.
People are not like houses – you are not obligated (or encouraged) to accept an offer (or settle!) on a fixer-upper simply because you *envision* or see its potential. People are not buildable according to your will – you can’t break down and begin from the studs expecting to make someone wrong into right for you.
But there’s still this idea in dating that in order feel worthy and loved you must perform and prove your value to someone, even when their behavior shows you otherwise (pretty loud and freaking clear). There’s still the inclination to help people (who you feel this common bond, similarity, or striking connection to), to save and fix them, or “love” (self-sacrifice for) them in such a way that wishfully-thinking will make them want to change and be a better partner…for you. And it’s almost like this mentality has become a norm for those who aspire true love, commitment, or companionship.
Now, sure, we’re all wounded in some way, and everyone needs and deserves love….but not at YOUR expense.
Where am I going here? Well, even you may play a guilty part in these common dating red flags. We’re all guilty of enabling low-quality behaviors the same way we are guilty of being the ones acting on them. It’s about time to take a step back at the bigger picture – with the whole frame in view – from the self-accountable side, and to ask yourself:
What are you allowing to continue making you unhappy?
In what ways are you self-sacrificing in order to gain the love and approval of others?
Do you often rely on giving others the benefit of the doubt (to help, save or fix them), or have “high hopes” for others to change?
Do you often feel it is your responsibility to “earn” or “be worthy” of someone’s love, to prove your worth and win their affection?
Are you constantly battling the fear of losing someone, often resulting in others withdrawing from the relationship?
Are you addicted to emotional chaos (constant extreme highs and lows) in your dating life and relationships? Is this a familiar/reoccurring environment that feels comforting/”safe”/normal to you?
How are you treating yourself in comparison to how you treat others?
We need to stop romanticizing these dating red flags
The raging forest fire
That first-sight kind of love. An instant connection. This wild, undeniable, uncontrollable “chemistry” that spells “S O U L M A T E”, “twin flame” or “The One”. As much as I love the fact there are people who experience a strong, innate connection with one another, I’m sticking to my guns in that authentic Love is a slow-burning flame, not a forest fire. I’ve got the scars to prove I’ve dabbled with the forest fire before. And, in the end, that wasn’t the person God chose for me.
That raging forest fire is actually premature attachment.
This means you risk uncontrollable, and likely inevitable burn-out, along with other unstable severities that are just as toxic, dysfunctional, and self-destructive. Some examples are over-sharing, over-extending/giving, performing, and bypassing red flags because you see their ‘potential’ or this desirable, fantasy-like ‘image’ of who you need or hope they will be, not who they actually are.
Over-sharing: getting deep into intimate stories about your personal life, previous relationships, finances and/or emotional expectations.
Over-extending/giving: being overly available emotionally, physically and with your time through keeping your schedule open for them, taking/making every opportunity to be together, overstaying your welcome (and vice versa), canceling plans to be together or accepting/accommodating last-minute advances, as well as being intimate (physically and emotionally) too quickly too soon.
Over-performing: the act of doing something as a way to gain love and approval, proving or auditioning your value in order to be “chosen”, or as t way to reaffirm and preserve emotional security/validity (i.e., you haven’t heard from him in a while and you saw that he’s out drinking with the guys on social media, so you text him to let him know you are available if he needs a designated driver – water, snacks and your crash-pad included.)
Fantasized potential/image: ignoring/minimizing the fact they owned up to struggling with fidelity because they are the best sex you’ve ever had (you’re convinced the strong physical connection will compensate, or even reverse his inability to be faithful).
There’s also a more manipulative form called Love-bombing. Check it. And it may not be by you, per se. Where others are guilty of Love-bombing, you’ll experience a person’s intense efforts in showing you affection and attention (as most would attest this not necessarily being a bad thing) that resembles infatuation. Unfortunately, love-bombing is more ingenuine, strategic, and self-centered – it’s severe desperation disguised as that “perfect” description of romantic interest.
This premature behavior is romanticized early on in dating and relationships because it resembles that “knight in shining armor”, the feeling of being”swept off your feet” or authentic compatibility right out the gate. Therefore, many are conditioned to go in search of that “love at first sight” or “instant, firework connection/chemistry” and to solely base the potential and success of a partner and relationship on it.
Hot + cold intensities
Does he love me, or does he not?
It’s true that every relationship has its ups and downs – no relationship is linear. But healthy relationships won’t go hot and cold, up and down, forward and backward to the extremes. *Take a look at the example photo below. Healthy relationships are often confused as boring and complacent (because we’re constantly warned about relationships becoming and staying that way, especially during the dating process) when really we’re confusing boredom and complacency with peace, stability, certitude, alignment, and harmony. Great, now I sound like a hippie. But there really is an important distinction between what’s normal and what isn’t in terms of hot and cold intensities.
For example,
Normal: He calls/texts you roughly every day (though there are sporadic days here and there where space is being taken, honored, and respected both ways). He also initiates/prioritizes making time together (respectively, in advanced, and consistently) while also maintaining a life outside of you and the relationship.
Hot and cold extreme (not normal): His texting habits are off and on extremes. One minute he’s smothering you with kissy-emojis and verbal affection, then goes MIA for almost a week; when you are in touch again it’s as if nothing happened or everything’s ‘fine’. He cancels plans with you last-minute, while also initiates last-minute plans (most of the time inconveniently); this becomes routine. Or he makes plans with you one week – days in a row, in fact, which makes you feel oh-so-special – then resists or declines seeing you indefinitely, making the next time you get together so far up in the air that you could essentially disappear and he wouldn’t even question your existence.
Healthy relationships are not derived, built, or sustained by chaos. Defining ‘chaos’ can be a bit tricky if you happen to be the contributor, enabler, or romanticizer. Some actually feel their relationship thrives off the rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows because, in the end, it “brings us back or closer together“, while ultimately negating the fact they’ve created a perpetual cycle of dysfunction. And I’m going to go out on a limb and say what it’s really about the “exhilerating“, angry or make-up sex. So, in a sense, emotional highs and lows are romanticized, enabled, and conditioned in relationships because this is means passion, or electricity (adrenaline).
It’s really…not….though. It’s self-destructive and unhealthy on so many levels. There is nothing safe, stable, authentic, benevolent, or trustworthy about inconsistency, unpredictability, insecurity, and uncertainty, especially when they run hot and cold. And if you’re already experiencing hot and cold intensities, inconsistencies, or opposite extremes while dating…that’s a telltale sign of what to expect (and worse off) down the road.
The rabbit hole of self-sacrifice + betrayal
Are you hiding or minimizing parts of yourself just to seem likable, agreeable, or “easy-going” and as a way to uphold this sense of loyalty from someone? AKA, you’re making yourself small in order to KEEP someone around, because you’re afraid that if you, God-forbid, bend too far the wrong way they will say you’re “too much” and up and leave.
First of all, I say hold the door open for them on their way out.
Secondly, it’s important to understand the underlying motive of self-sacrifice (which is actually more self-centered behavior) and the reasons why it is fairly common in today’s world to lose [minimize] ourselves in someone or in a relationship. Self-sacrifice may be one’s unconscious response in order to maintain emotional security, which is why it is centered around self-benefit. You ‘give up‘ (or essentially ‘merge’/conform to someone else) certain things or aspects of yourself or your life as a way to accommodate your best interest, such as in order to gain love, acceptance, security, and approval.
We all do this in our relationships to some healthy or unhealthy degree.
*For example, you’re with someone who travels often for work. This makes you feel insecure because you hardly see them as much as you’d like. To make up for that, you go part-time or even quit your job to be able to travel with them. By ‘giving up‘ your career to ensure more quality time with them, you’re actually looking out for your own best interest (emotional security).
Let that sink in for a moment.
[mailerlite_form form_id=25]Self-betrayal is placing other’s needs ahead of your own, or in other words, you are essentially neglecting to acknowledge, take ownership and fulfill your own needs. That by expending more of your effort, time, and energy being consumed by, focusing on, or obsessing over the other person…you will feel more in control. But not really, since self-betrayal is the opposite of having and upholding personal autonomy. Fear being the biggest motivator, you become the caretaker of the other person’s needs before your own [1] because this is what you were taught and conditioned to do growing up, [2] in believing this defines your innate worth and value as a person, and [2] to avoid the possibility of losing them.
This could be that you are conditioned to believe you are not entitled to personal autonomy (your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, needs, wants, preferences, boundaries, limitations, etc.), or that honoring your autonomy leaves you the most vulnerable to abandonment, being alone or not being understood and valued by others.
A lack of personal boundaries (early on in dating and relationships) can look like:
- Allowing someone to overstay their welcome in your home; not standing your ground in saying, “It’s 10 o’clock, and I’m calling it a night.“
- Being the one mostly initiating time together/conversation; you comply with this one-sided role rather than bringing awareness of imbalance, “I won’t be the only leg this relationship stands on.“
- You give exceeding more than what you’re receiving (not to confuse with ‘giving in order to receive’ or the lack of willingness to receive); i.e., you shower this person with sweet notes and gifts while they rarely make an effort to court you (take you out on a proper date).
- Loving someone harder (this is behavior that is seemingly unnatural/forced/sacrificial) in order to gain the other person’s admiration, affection, approval, and investment; you may be more touchy-feely, engage intimately/sexually before you’re ready, over-bearing with calls/texts, little to no respect for one another’s personal space outside of the relationship, etc.
Fears associated with self-sacrifice and betrayal can look like:
“I am not worthy of love.“
“If I do/don’t do this, I won’t be rejected.“
“If I make the other person happy, then they won’t leave me/stop loving me.“
“I’m scared I will end up alone.“
“I am too much or not enough.“
So how is all of this being romanticized? For starters, both self-sacrifice and self-betrayal have become the norm due to the lack of self-awareness of one’s role contributing to unhealthy relationship dynamics. Hence why premature attachment has become the face of what many define as ‘authenticity‘ in generations driven by instant gratification. Connections must be instantaneous, fast-paced, unparalleled, and accompanied by intense, raging chemistry.
I don’t know about you but that sounds like a recipe for DISASTER.
You likely know about things like ‘daddy/mommy issues‘, which unfortunately IS a widespread commonality while most choose to sit in their stubborn corner of denial. But what’s even more concerning is that society always seems to slap a pretty bandaid (like one with flowers or hearts all over it) on this kind of dysfunction, as if to integrate it (and call it self-empowerment) instead of actually healing it (by looking into the mirror and opening our eyes).
An example of this I often come across is,
“I’m just ‘too much’ for people and a target for those to take advantage of. I’m an eMpAtH – I can’t help that I am so ‘selfless’, giving and loving to others. I’m not the problem, it’s others who need to change.“
This isn’t to say that relationships don’t require some level of healthy sacrifice and compromise. Healthy relationships will experience all the feelings – anger, sadness, fear – as well as go through a natural process of merging between two individuals (without losing individual identity and autonomy). But healthy relationships are interdependent, not the opposing extremes. This means you should never have to prove your value (to keep someone around), audition your worth (of being loved and receiving love), or make yourself small (by shutting down, minimizing your voice, or ‘following along to get along’) to feel safe.
In turn, when you ‘sacrifice‘ and betray parts of yourself by tuning into the other person – how they feel, what they’re doing, fulfilling their happiness and their needs – you are then unrealistically placing the responsibility of your happiness in their hands.
You can love and honor someone while continuing to love and honor yourself.
