OK, so the title may sound a bit rash – what I mean is probably not what you are thinking. I have stopped tip toeing around people’s feelings simply because it’s not loving. Hear me out.
I’m introverted, so I am well aware of (almost too good at) when I need to keep hush-hush and mind my own business, so by default my thoughts and opinions are kept to myself.
I also know what it means to tell people what they want to hear and not what is necessarily….honest. Many heavily rely on their ears being tickled, regardless of if it’s truly genuine, helpful and loving.
Main points within this post:
Needless to say, I know I can’t please everyone. But honestly, I’m exhausted from feeling like my world revolves around displacing my actions, choices, thoughts, feelings, and opinions for the sake of others all the time.
I’m a much happier person keeping my nose out of where it doesn’t need to be and choosing honesty over worrying about how someone may feel. I can’t continue holding onto this idea that I am concretely responsible for how everyone feels when all that does is force me assign unnecessary value in what others think and feel about me.
5 Reasons I stopped tip toeing around people’s feelings
I’m not the one in control of your feelings
I am, however, to be accountable for my words, actions, and own feelings while considering how they might influence, impact, or affect others. That doesn’t mean I am acutely responsible for the feelings of others. In other words, I am sick and tired of always defaulting to being *nice*.
We all know the phrase, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Well, I’ve never liked that quote. I always took it as that I always needed to act it – as in, be extra. Otherwise, I was mean if I wasn’t, but I also felt like I was being dishonest all the time.
You know, like, “Smile! Otherwise you look mean,” when in reality I was being taught that not smiling meant I was a mean person. Sometimes I just don’t feel like smiling, but that shouldn’t automatically make me mean. The problem is we have redefined what *nice* means – a *nice*-looking person smiles, point blank.
Sure, situationally, *be nice* (aka, say something positive whether you mean it or not) or *mind your business* can obviously apply. For instance, when someone says they just got a new haircut (where they didn’t ask for an outside opinion).
Except I learned that being *nice* is not the same as being *honest*, so I have always assumed that when someone is being nice (to me) it may not always be genuine. And this is the problem with focusing on being nice, because oftentimes its fakeness (a lie) in costume.
But even niceness can be called out as insincerity in many situations. Therefore, we know we cannot live our entire lives bowing our heads to accommodate the fragile feelings of every human being. And we shouldn’t have to, which is why nice from that quote invokes this hush-hush requirement to either lie or stay silent in order to protect someone’s feelings (or how they *might* feel).
Being chronically nice is nothing but a clown act in a circus, whereas now true kindness is actually demonized.
[Related Read: 4 Things You Need To Stop Doing In Order To Live A Happier Life]
Kindness isn’t always received kindly
I’ll say it once more – we can’t and won’t please everyone. I’ll even take it a step further in saying we can’t and won’t please everyone despite how kind (nope – not *nice*) we are or try to be.
Even being kind (or so I thought) has landed me a seat at the “worst person ever” table. Good or bad – there are those easily offended by anything and everything in this world. Social media and hyper-connectivity only facilitates this, too.
Nowadays, constructive criticism or feedback is like being chastised or abused if it isn’t completely masked with praise and positivity.
Even then, oftentimes kindness is received unkindly. It’s almost as if kindness isn’t sweet enough, or there’s a chance it has a slight bitter aftertaste.
That’s just it – kindness is not artificially doctored. Kindness can still mean taking someone’s feelings into consideration (in our choice of words and how they’re spoken) but it doesn’t deny or withhold the truth.
For instance, my friend shows me her new haircut. My opinion on whether I actually like the style (or on my friend) doesn’t really matter, though if my friend asked for my opinion, kindness would say, “If you like it, then that’s all that matters,” or, “It’s not my style, personally, but it definitely suits you!“
Otherwise, it’s more than possible to still fully believe a person looks beautiful despite having a bad haircut or a new hair style I don’t like, to which kindness would say, “You changed your hairstyle – you look beautiful!“
When the truth impacts us both – I choose me
Many times, tiptoeing has caused me to derail my value and own self-worth. Right before I left my previous job to start my own business, an unexpected event occurred between me and another co-worker. It was said through higher authority that this person had a difficult time receiving constructive criticism, and that she needed to be approached and corrected more gently.
For me, I saw her sensitivity toward direction and correction, especially when that came from an overseer status. I was the appointed person in charge at the time of the dispute, to which she refused to take direction when asked. She resisted with attitude and took it upon herself to deem the requests (work) made to her as “beneath her”.
To me that was utter disrespect for someone who was deemed in charge, doing the same exact work, if not more because I ended up also carrying her weight.
Long story short, she was dealt a lesser “reprimand“. Mind you, because both of us were involved, I was also reprimanded out of….here it goes…”fairness“.
That was the first and only time my own work ethic and earned status as a long-term employee sincerely felt threatened, and blatantly worthless at that point. It was unsettling to know that the outcome was based on another person’s feelings and were weighed upon moreover my own.
And it wasn’t about taking the heavier beating simply because I was managerial status. Needless to say, she barely got a slap on the wrist for disrespecting my rightful and appointed authority, and this was not the first time she took blatant advantage of others’ hard work (she got paid holiday pay for not only doing absolutely nothing but intentionally doing what she was asked of wrong, in the end).
I was not going to tolerate being scrutinized for or standing down on the truth. In a situation like that, where I am no longer tip toeing around people’s feelings, it was a no-brainer – I chose me. I stood up for me, and I graciously walked away from the job.
Just because I’m honest, doesn’t mean I’m not empathetic
Them: “Be seriously honest here – do you think I should get back with him?“
Me (in my head): “Uh, hell no.“
Also me: “You deserve someone who treats you right, but that’s only a call you can make.“
Them: “No, like I need your personal take – what would you do?“
Me: “Well… I’d leave him knowing this is the third relationship I’ve had where a guy has cheated on me, because if I took him back a second time around I am literally reinforcing the condition that I don’t deserve better.“
Them: “Wow – ouch – you could have just left it at ‘Dump him’.”
Empathy is being able to place yourself in the shoes of another – being able to relate to that person’s feelings from their perspective. Even if you have never been through those feelings or the experience personally.
For real though, deep down there are times I find it incredibly difficult to empathize with others when in a given situation, if I were in their shoes, I would have done something different. So as bad as this sounds… sometimes I fake it. But that doesn’t mean I’m being dishonest with others, or myself.
We’ve also heard of toxic empathy, right? The real problem is when empathy is used as a vessel for emotional consolation or relief. As someone who felt it was my responsibility to take on the feelings and emotions of others, regardless of the situation or experience, it’s no wonder making connections with people often feels obligatory, performative, and exhausting.
Instead, I’ve learned that I don’t have to bring myself down to another person’s emotional level to console or support them. So just because I don’t mirror the feelings someone is experiencing in a given situation (when they’re seeking a similar emotional response to their own) doesn’t mean I’m uncompassionate or unempathetic.
I’m tired of not feeling safe to let my hair down
There are those who only know me by how easily influenced I can be (from tip toeing). They see that I second-guess myself, say less (and wonder why I’m not vulnerable) or conform to another person’s way or thinking just to keep the peace.
Yet the second I open my mouth and share an opinion, differing or not, I’m often met with a vibe that says, “Ooof, I liked you better when you stayed quiet, kept your hair intact and laid down flat!“
It’s in those moments I can feel so blatantly irrelevant as a person. I’ve often asked, “Who am I, really?” because I have drifted along the current of everyone else’s ideas, thoughts, beliefs, opinions and feelings.
So as to keep certain people in my life, I tip toe…constantly. For once, I want to feel what I feel, do what I want to do, and say what I feel like saying – without the constant worry of how it will affect others (and whether they stay) in my life… and that be OKAY.
And by not tip toeing around people’s feelings, I can now focus on being a peace MAKER rather than a peace KEEPER.
