Who should pay for a date? The simple answer.

I could say the guy should pay. I could also say the woman should offer, or whoever does the asking out should take responsibility. But damn is it ever NOT that simple. Why? Because as relationship equality would have it, it’s equally both parties’ duty to put in equal effort (including splitting the bill). So why not just go dutch on dates from now on and call it a day??

If you’re here because you watched my video on who should pay for dates, then you’re about to get a noggin-full.

Anyway, this is creating such a stir because many women feel they are up against doing what is believed as “right” vs what they actually want in a more modern dating world. We also can’t get past the fact we simply want it all, we want it this way (but not if it’s that way), and we want it right meowwww!

According to an article I stumbled upon recently by Forbes – hold your breath – chivalry and courtship need to die if women ever truly want to be seen and treated as equals, likeeee in the home or workforce.

‘Scuse me? I don’t follow, because I for one do not believe courtship and chivalry devalues a woman and her worth.

First off, the article is correlating masculinity with the patriarch. No ma’am, they are not the same.

Secondly, if this whole equality thing is about superior power – because, you know, the patriarchy – then I think men would be smart enough to know that when they are willing to invest time, effort, and money into a woman they are actually relinquishing this “so-called” power. I could call it another word, but I won’t say it because it’s triggering-ly taken out of context for many [*cough* submissive *cough*]. Yet, essentially, that is what those are doing when they bend their knee in front of royalty.

And by killing off “courtship”, the opposite effect would actually take place, which would be in “the patriarch’s” best interest.

Butttttt that’s just me and my ‘experience’ with having dated guys who actually put in the effort versus those who didn’t (atrociously refused, rather), and the outcomes for both. YET, the article does state that a higher percentage of women STILL want men to take the lead – er, to court them, to ROMANCE them, and to pay for the date.

*gasp* I’m not really that shocked, TBH.

And I genuinely believe that’s something that will never change. That most women will DESIRE men who take the initiative and pay for [more] dates (at least the *first* date), and more importantly, that most men will be happy to do so. But the ‘recent’ push for relationship and gender equality has definitely sparked a fuse in the other way around, where many men and women believe the “expectation” or one-sided obligation to pay should not solely fall on men or simply one person over the other.

So if you can’t tell already, this post doesn’t necessarily go into who should pay, but it goes into other key factors that both men and women NEED to (re)consider when it comes to whoever pays for dates.

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Who should pay for a date? The simple answer.

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Per individual, dig deep into what your values are

Nobody around you can figure that out for you. That’s why this is a very core individual process. Your values are your moral compass in life, and it’s designed to be intuitively honored.

Now I can’t speak for the other side, but my values are fairly traditional (yet, as a millennial, still somewhat unconventional). I’m smart enough to know that I am, as a human being, equal in value and worth as my [now] husband. But I value a man that “takes the lead”, provides and protects and I also advocate masculine/feminine energy/polarity in terms of compatibility and balance.

So it’s no shocker that I value a ‘high-quality’ man who prides himself in investing in a woman. And sure, many throw their hands up in saying, “How can expecting a man to be responsible for courtship possibly be MORAL?” Um, we’re not talking about murder here.

The answer is pretty simple: there’s a distinct difference between “expecting” and “wanting/desiring” something. You approach and treat it differently. When you expect something, you feel entitled to it without ever having to measure up within. [Light bulb moment – hopefully] That’s called arrogance, dominance, superiority, and supremacy. Besides, my values are for me, not an expectation for others to follow. That is why we partner with someone whose values align with our own.

Aside from the loud chatter of society, ask yourself: what do you want?

In reference to the statement above – whether you’re a man or woman here, really, what do you want? The answer to that is a very personal matter, yet the media (or society, in general) will push a narrative that traditional dating values – aka courtship and chivalry – is an old-age double standard, an “obligation” on men and an implied offense to women at the expense of their independence, opportunity, life ambition, as well as personal, academic, and financial success. It’s now also being labeled as “special treatment” or high maintenance since the push for relationship equality.

And wait a minute now – I thought genders don’t exist? That would throw all sense of “inequality” right out the window.

Youch, but I’m not about to let anyone convince me that desiring a man to court me somehow makes me this weak, incapable, entitled, and practically useless human being. Or the “lesser” sex. And it certainly doesn’t mean I can kick my heels up, do the absolute bare minimum and expect special treatment, simply because I’m a woman. But I definitely don’t condone groupthink; this isn’t about what society says, what defines a “good person”, or what you believe is right for the greater good. What you want and value in a relationship has nothing to do with anyone else –it’s deciding what you want for yourself and the single entity of YOUR relationship, and honoring that.

So if you’re a woman that desires a man who will court you (that values and honors chivalry), a man who encourages, respects, and desires a woman who will do the same for them, or someone open to attaining that perfect yet imperfect balance between the two – you gotta own that sh*t right out the gate.

Going after what you truly want means having to risk the one thing people fear most

Rejection. Not being liked, accepted, understood, seen, worthy, and valued. People are so afraid that what they truly want will hold them back, leave them abandoned, alone, or feel like their expectations are too much, unrealistic, belittling, not the “norm”, offensive, or high maintenance.

I continue to stumble upon women who say, “I will insist on paying or offer to go dutch on a date so that I don’t feel like I owe the guy anything.“

Um, what…the flying f*ck? The fact we have reached a place where courtship is now merely transactional is a new wave of problems to address and squash STAT. So before we move on here, let me reiterate (print the following image and hang that sh*t on your vanity as a personal, daily reminder):

Therefore, no matter your stance, what you believe and desire…you WILL be someone’s/many’s worst enemy. And that’s the point – you are not designed to be FOR / LIKE everyone.

So let me make this simple for you: if you desire someone – man or woman – who takes more of the initiative to pay on a date, you’re not asking too much. If you desire to be courted, that doesn’t make you weak, incapable, oppressed, entitled, or high maintenance, nor does that mean you are required, by default, to owe that person anything.

If you believe in equality (that both men and women are equally responsible to pay) your values are also realistic. But to have this idea that you owe anyone anything more than a “thank you“, when someone chooses to make a personal investment on their part, conditions the mentality that you are not deserving or worthy of the bare minimum.

There are people out there who desire and value the very same things as you, but we’re constantly being pulled down by the weight of others who do not, or deem certain ways as immoral, outdated, or “wrong”. When you know your own worth and what you truly want, you won’t focus on trying to change others to think, feel, believe and value things the way you do. You also won’t let anyone else determine your values.

Discussing expectations + desirable dynamics should be normalized

Why isn’t this something people are talking about prior to or on a first date? Like when you’re spending the days or weeks getting to know someone because that’s what most do before they even go on a [first] date these days. If you know their favorite food by the time you pick the restaurant, then you should also be on the same page when it comes to your dating values.

It’s as simple as asking, “So what are your values in terms of dating (as a man/woman/person)?“

Or if roles don’t exist in your reality, “What’s your stance on who pays for a [first] date?“

Either way, it’s time to start unpacking that sh*t with people. For a subject that should be no big deal on the surface, many are still left bewildered and stoically frozen when the check comes to the table. Instead of spending date after date convinced that everything will eventually figure itself out, it’s time to get the answers you need out in the open before genuine feelings develop. And you should already be doing that, like figuring out whether he aspires to be married or wants kids.

I thought the purpose of dating was about not wasting one another’s time, anyway? If your date has a negative reaction to your dating values or ideals, and no one is willing to create room for compromise, then that’s a clear enough indicator you each want and value different things and are not a match.

Money is already one of the biggest contenders to relationship problems and is a threat to many couples (especially those who refuse to see eye to eye). And with equality’s desirability pushing mainstream in relationships today, people still aren’t discussing it when it actually matters – meaning, prior to emotional and physical investment. And there are also those who will bend their beliefs or do and say just about anything on the first few dates (that go against what they truly want) just to avoid sabotaging the potential for something, anything.

People need to get comfortable talking about the things that are uncomfortable because it boils down to choosing people who choose you. And in order for that, you have to be willing to be vulnerable without hiding the important parts of yourself – including your expectations, wants, and needs.

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Be accountable when offering or insisting on paying

I think everyone should have the courtesy to offer to pay – man or woman, first date or not. This shows humility, integrity, compassion, and human decency. That goes without saying I also don’t think it’s wrong to still desire the other person to insist even if you offer. BUT since rejection is inevitable, if you offer or insist on paying, and your date allows it you have to be prepared to be accountable.

I mean, you unconsciously go dutch with a friend because you know you are responsible for you, but if someone says “I got this – my treat,” I think most would rarely let this slide without offering otherwise. Offering says, “I want you to know this is not your burden to carry.” Because, well, it isn’t anyone’s burden. But let’s face it, we’re all healing – this never ends. When we do something nice for someone, eventually we want the generosity reciprocated (alas this is considered an expectation) – this is human. So when you do offer, it should never stem from ingenuity, which often becomes the case when reciprocation isn’t equal or compensated.

When my husband and I were dating, there did come a point where I [preparing for the blow] stopped offering to pay, BUT (a big but) that didn’t mean there was no gratitude. I may call myself more traditional, but I am a woman who values the importance of taking care of and spoiling my man the way he deserves. Yet, following more traditional values, my [now] husband did a majority of the courting while we were dating.

Off-topic rant: is it even courting when women do it, anyway? Do men and women define chivalry/”romance” the same? By me planning a date for my husband (i.e., to a restaurant), I am more than likely not taking into consideration what he defines as being ‘courted’, and instead based on how I desire to be courted. All I’m saying is the ideal, romantic date in my husband’s world would be joining him on a full day of fishing, fast-fried food on the way home, and ending the night with sex. Just a thought worth remembering.

Either way, again, the bill MUST get paid one way or another. So there’s really no point in hint-dropping or letting the check sit. If people went on a date with the inclination that they are solely responsible for themselves, there really wouldn’t be room for expectations. But that’s unrealistic because there comes a point where some people are tired of being the ones reaching to pay the bill first, the other person failing to offer, or now feel morally stuck having to insist when the other person does offer. This also doesn’t take into account many feeling taken advantage of (for a free meal).

I get it.

Simply put, dating dynamics need to become a normalized conversation starter. Otherwise, of course, it’s so easy to take advantage of something that’s continually silenced or kept under wraps. Instead, choose the appropriate scenario – a woman offering to pay, a man insisting on paying, splitting the bill, etc., then expand and discuss from there as a way to find a common ground and understanding.

Dating is already superficial, yet people always prove to want more than they lead on

Everything about dating itself is already superficial. Wanting time together is superficial, especially when you have couples who manage long-distance relationships. Even committed relationships are superficial. So maybe we should go back to arranged marriages/relationships where it isn’t about ourselves, but learning how to love another human being for who they are, for companionship, not for who we want and need them to be.

LOL, jokes aside, yet no disrespect to the “culture” of arranged marriages.

No, but seriously, as I mentioned above – why not just go dutch on dates from now on and call it a day? You meet, shake hands, mention how nice the weather is and before you step into the restaurant you say, “By the way…just so we’re on the same page…we’re going dutch tonight.” For those who believe sharing the financial burden should be “standard”, and no big deal – why isn’t it standard and why is bringing it up such a big deal?

Naturally, we distinguish and separate the nature of our relationships, including romantically. Like I said, with friends going dutch is likely assumed at this point. It’s second nature, it’s understood, and it’s normal at this point. But romantic relationships are different – they’re treated differently. So as much as the nature of dating is painted superficial, we know and have our reasons it is treated differently and why it is worth another level or dimension of effort.

On another superficial note, dating today is also far more expensive than it was just 10 years ago. Dinner and a movie now – $100, easily, without trying very hard. And compared to 10 years ago when a Saturday night was well-renowned “date night”, people are going out on dates multiple times a week. Mind you, a fair-quality date 3x a week at that rate is upwards of $300 depending on what you’re doing. No wonder the financial burden is one-sided.

Peeps got high expectations as to what classifies as a “date”. Though don’t get me wrong people are prone to taking/tolerating the “cheap” route. Netflix and Chill already has a bad rep today, but I’m starting to see why it may have originally become a ‘thing’. Prices have increased, people want more time together, which means more dates and more money being spent. It would be super uptight and backward of me to say that we should taper down on how much is spent on dates and how often dates occur, but maybe if the facts were actually considered people might have far more compassion for why dating is that important and shouldn’t be treated all willy-nilly.

I mean, it’s true that the same amount of thought goes into choosing a fancy restaurant as it does McDonald’s…the only difference is the amount of money behind it to sweeten the deal. How ’bout them apples? Now in no way am I implying that people are only worth Mcdonald’s, especially on the first or first few dates, but genuine effort does expand beyond the amount of money spent. Creativity (that’s free) carries such an underrated value. So if you’re a guy who attracts or splurges on women very early on with expensive dates, or you’re a woman who judges or expects a guy to prove your worth in dollars from the get-go…are you really dating for the person, or for the attractive experience of what someone can offer?

Times are changing (more advancements, gadgets and doo-dads, opportunities, etc.) and it’s no surprise people start expecting and consuming more. Therefore, I don’t think it would be crazy to re-consider that fancy restaurant for the first date (or first few), or third date in a row that week. Otherwise, no matter your stance on who should pay for a date, the fact is people today are likely dating beyond their (financial) means, or they’re definitely pushing the envelope. So I’m really not surprised why more men think paying has become obligatory and no longer want to feel like a “free meal“, and consequently why women feel like dating just isn’t how it used to be.

Cause and effect, my friends.

It’s not to say people don’t set the bar overtly low, but I think most – men and women – are prone to setting the bar waaaay higher at the beginning rather than gauging that fine balance within their means. The problem with setting the bar so high is consistency. When you start off dating beyond your means, anything lower starts to give off that lazy, apathetic vibe. It’s almost like you tricked or cheated someone into investment by dangling prime rib when you can really only afford ground chuck, you feel me? Like those over-exaggerated dates on The Bachelor. You know they will never take that helicopter ride to Bali ever again, right? Hence for the “what goes up must come down“. If you’re dating outside of your means (yes, even financially)…it will bite you in the ass eventually, I promise.

The bottom line is if more people date within their means (frequency and financially), who pays for the date likely wouldn’t be such a complex issue because the focus would actually be on anticipating and appreciating that time together over keeping tabs.

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When you start keeping tabs connection is lost

There’s the new adopted idea of whoever initiates or plans the date is the person presumed to pay. I can totes get behind that. BUT, the problem is women initiate and plan dates substantially less, so it’s no wonder men are sitting there all flustered, confused and come off looking like ghosting a**holes because they’re literally waiting for women to do more of the stepping up. As for the women doing more of the stepping up, I can almost guarantee they’re not happy, either.

We can sit here and go back and forth on how equality makes perfect sense in a perfectly 50/50 world, but nothing is or ever will be equal, sorry.

In a perfect world dating equality would look like this: he initiates, he pays; she initiates, she pays. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. But then you’re forgetting about other factors that are unequal, such as that maybe he plans and pays for more ‘inexpensive’ dates than she does, or when he initiates he’s planned out more quality time together than she does. Maybe he can’t afford to pay for two dates twice in a week, doesn’t have the financial means to spend $50 on every date, or simply can’t afford to treat you to the same financial level of dates you can personally afford.

*These are just as important to consider if you’re someone who desires someone to pay for the [first]/majority of dates.

It’s just too easy to break down and find inequality somewhere because relationships will never be a linear 50/50. Expending all of your time, effort, and peace doing so will ultimately leave you dissatisfied and unhappy, anyway. And the moment you start counting or keeping track of how many times you’ve initiated or paid for a date – among other things – you have compromised the connection and intimacy. By doing this inhibits potential growth and the ability to build and strengthen the foundation of a healthy relationship.

People are constantly looking for that unconditional love, but not without carrying around a bag of conditions. Love is not a business contract, so if equality is what you’re ultimately after, it’s understanding and accepting a concept that still comes with compromise.

Dating in itself comes with personal responsibility

You never hear people say that dating comes at a price – even sacrifice. And that’s hard to swallow when you see people dating for fun – zero strings, zero intentions, and zero purpose. In reality, you do make sacrifices – you sacrifice your time, priorities, and money. Dating comes with risk – the risk of your core desires, wants, needs, and expectations not being fulfilled as you hoped.

The other cold, hard truth we hate acknowledging is that sometimes you just can’t have it all. Every choice we make in life comes with a consequence or sacrifice – these may go unnoticed because it wasn’t that important to us. For example, you took that job opportunity 25 miles away from your current one because it pays better, yet that was a no-brainer even though you sacrificed the shorter commute.

We don’t like hearing it, let alone being told that we may not get everything exactly the way we want without making sacrifices. Only you are responsible for your fulfillment, your experience, and who you allow in it. It is your responsibility to honor and uphold your core needs and wants, and that requires standing up for what’s important to you instead of settling for what isn’t to someone else.

So, all in all, who should pay for dates?

Only you can answer that for yourself, and you can usually find that answer within your values. And you don’t need to explain or justify them to anyone.