Not having a bridal party was the best wedding decision I made

I had a more non traditional approach to my wedding. I didn’t have the big, elaborate, ballroom wedding, we eliminated many of the cliché aspects like the bouquet toss, and I chose not to have a bridal party. It just wasn’t for me.

For some time I couldn’t figure out why, and part of me worried that I would regret it later. But that has yet to be the case, now eight years later. The deeper my husband and I delved into wedding planning, mostly budgeting, we realized that this day was nothing more than about our love – it was about us and what ultimately made the day special.

We just didn’t feel the traditional norms were the only [right] option, nor were they obligatory – much like having bridesmaids and groomsmen. Not having a bridal party didn’t make our wedding day any less extraordinary or meaningful, and I refused to cave to the social norm of what’s trending.

So if you’re contemplating having bridesmaids and groomsmen, and are looking for some justified reason not to, you really won’t find one here. Because that’s just it…you don’t need one. That said, my perspective might help you understand why you shouldn’t feel pressured or guilted into having a bridal party. More importantly, know that your decision – for whatever reason – is acceptable because it’s what you want.

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Not having a bridal party was the best wedding decision I made

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my guest list capped at 50

My wedding was small – capping at less than 50 total guests (including my husband and I). Over a third of that list consisted of our friends, which meant if we were to have a wedding party there would be almost no one sitting to actually watch us marry.

I didn’t want that.

Plus, I really didn’t want to feel overcrowded at the altar – having people standing up there with us would already make me feel smothered and anxious, but also that I didn’t really want ceremony pictures of a bunch of people to span across the beautiful beach we were getting married on. I know, as if having a small 50-person wedding wasn’t private enough.

Sure, I could have chosen one person to stand up there with me on my big day, but…

I didn’t want that negative stigma

The whole, “if you’re not first, you’re last.”

I didn’t want to make any of my friends seem more or less important than the other. There’s deciding who is to be the maid of honor, then the posse of minions following suit. OK, I made that sound more awful than it actually is.

I tend to over-analyze, so when I have people tell me, “What negative stigma? These friends should be honored to be a bridesmaid regardless of where they stand,” I can’t help but think, “..yeah on the outside, but on the inside sometimes it can feel like you don’t match up to the other bridesmaids on a friendship level with the bride.“

And that can sting, regardless of any title being an honor.

That’s without including the friends who had a hunch they would get their spot on the maids-list, yet never making it at all, and are still invited to the wedding. There’s a reason many brides have fall-outs with friends and bridesmaids post-wedding. Hell, I didn’t even have a bridal party and I still naturally drifted from many of the friends that came to my wedding. 

I’ve witnessed countless people eenie meenie miney mo that one friend simply because they didn’t want an odd number, or they needed an extra bridesmaid to match the number of groomsmen (because the groom refused to budge on demoting). Truthfully, that’s how it would have went down for my husband and I. Or we would have had an uncanny number of ushers for a 50-person wedding.

All the while that random last resort maid winds up being at the end of the line. And I was that person once. It felt like I was that buffer to fill, especially since it was very unexpected – we were never actually “friends” at all, we just “grew up” together. While, yes, it was an honor to have been a part, there was still that feeling of simply being a fallback.

All in all, I just didn’t want to make anyone feel that way, and I didn’t want to have to make those choices if I didn’t have to.

I’m past the point of labeling my friendships

I don’t have a best friend – haven’t for many years now. And I’m no longer ashamed to admit it.

TBH I think the best friend thing is overrated. I left that behind in high school and college. Yet I spent enough time (even before I was engaged) pondering how I would go about choosing a maid of honor, or simply having bridesmaids without one.

That’s the problem. There’s this persona of what a best friend is supposed to mimic, like a strict resume of expectations and perfections. The standard many people have is that it’s obviously a sibling or the person you’ve known the longest throughout your life. What? Not true. In fact, if I HAD to have a MOH, it actually would have been one of my most recently made friends.

So blood and longevity is not always an honest indicator of a genuine connection or friendship. Long-time friends can drift and new ones can chime in to replace others.  All in all, our acceptance and effort in others decide who we truly want in our lives.

Over the years I became more proactive in not having expectations in others because that is just disappointment waiting to happen. I’ve learned that some of the most respected people in my life reinforce that. It’s like we know we can suck at being friends at times – yet we do our best to be more understanding of one another, that we are on our own individual paths and wavelengths in life, to avoid holding that against each other and instead learn to embrace the ride together.

So I’m just not one to label my friendships based on levels anymore. That said, I didn’t feel the need to slap on the title of bridesmaid, along with the duties and conventional demands with it. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with having bridesmaids. Most believe that having a bridal party is just something you’re supposed to do and, well, because “why not?” And that’s totally cool – I just didn’t feel the need to have my friends standing directly next to me, having spent boo-koo bucks on a dress, shoes, hair and makeup that I all picked, being snapped in pictures that – let’s be real – aren’t even going to be printed or hung around my house (let alone theirs), or give them the title as a maid in order to feel supported of my marriage.

I know they support me by simply being there. Besides, I truly wanted my friends to enjoy my big day and for it to be as memorable as it was for me.

It made wedding planning and my big day that much easier (for me)

Honestly, since details of wedding planning were solely left up to me I didn’t have to rely on anyone else to get them done. As terrible as that sounds, not having a maid of honor or bridal party made wedding planning and the big day that much easier in a sense.

Do you know how much time was cut down on getting ready and taking pictures? I got to enjoy more of my actual wedding.

Since I had the more non traditional approach (not believing in the duties of bridesmaids and a MOH), I held myself accountable instead and I was more than okay with that. With my bridal shower (who I had my mother and mother-in-law to thank for helping) and Bachelorette party…if it was going to happen, I was in charge of making it happen. 

Sure, bridesmaids are supposed to make the bride’s life (or wedding festivities) easier…but I don’t see it the same way. I pictured it as a stress-induced volcano of inconvenience on someone else to weigh hand and foot on me. Besides, I’m just not the needy, demanding type. I mean, I managed to use the bathroom alone on my wedding day – no help needed. I didn’t see the point in using my dearest friends as a maid to be at my beck and call.

I guess I’m weird like that.

Besides, I eliminated having to weigh in the extra opinions of my dearest friends, stirring up the drama pot and making them vulnerable to my moments of being a bridezilla (because we ALL become them to an extent). I didn’t have to spend time searching for bridesmaids dresses and I got to find my own gown without the extra eyes, ears and mouths (which, for me, was a surplus relief because I don’t do well under that kind of pressure).

All of that was simply a huge weight kept off my shoulders.

tbh, I just didn’t have as many friends to make it worth it

And this is real. This is raw, and this is honest. It’s also typically safe to say most women aren’t even willing to admit it, or accept it, so they label Becky whom they met out once, spoke to on the phone a few times and bumped into randomly at the supermarket a friend.

My husband and I actually spent some time coming up with our list of friends to invite to the wedding (prior to deciding to forgo the bridal party). His list was more than 4x the size of mine – not even including his friends’ spouses. I actually felt embarrassed at the time, like, “Wow, at this rate more than 2/3 of the wedding will consist of people on my husband’s side – grreeeeat.”

It was incredibly daunting, but it didn’t take long for me to come to terms with the many things that separate me from him, and the beautiful meaning behind marriage to begin with. That his family was my family – his friends were now my friends, too.

Silly titles or not – having a wedding party wasn’t what mattered at all – it was about having those in our lives in the company of our special day.