It’s 2022: What to talk about on a first date – no excuses

I believe in dating with intention. Because what is the point in getting to know someone you don’t plan on having stick around? A first date is also the initial opportunity to uncover any red flags, or potential ones. This means making the most out of that first date – asking the right questions and discussing key points that can have a lasting impact on a long-term relationship.

Many wonder what topics are the most important, and what should be saved for a rainy day?

Depending on your intentions, the key to dating (specifically a first date or the first few dates) is pinpointing long-term compatibility, but not so deep where you end up cutting the wrong wire.

Think more this or that instead of it’s this, not that. You’re there to get to know someone, not judge them on right from wrong.

Your partner will have their own differences, like quirks and flaws as well as way of thinking. They will also have separate beliefs and opinions from you. This is important to accept and embrace in a partner while figuring out what isn’t tolerable or worth sacrificing and settling for.

*Make sure you read to the end for a list of first date topics you should avoid!

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It’s 2022: What to talk about on a first date – no excuses

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keep it light and fun

Spill your nerves (if you have them). Everyone gets a little shy, tongue-tied or anxious when it comes to first dates. Nervousness doesn’t necessarily mean heart-racing, palm-sweating, mind-spinning anxiousness, either. Everyone and their mother knows that even some have the tendency to dominate or control a situation (or simply the conversation) out of nerves, so remember that.

Nervousness may only erupt at the right moment, like when you get asked juuuust the right question. You know, when you are put on the spot. Something that requires you to open up, voice your opinion or step out of your comfort zone.

Be upfront and honest when you are feeling nervous, even when it isn’t strictly anxiety. It shows your vulnerability while taking the pressure off. Plus, your date might be sharing similar feelings as well.

Talk about favorites, hobbies, and ideals. You know how this goes – the initial, “So tell me a little about you…” You might ask about their favorite cuisine, sport, the genre of book or movie they enjoy.

Ask your date their perfect vision of a vacation, what their dream job would be, or if they could pick one place in the world to live – where that would be. Make it a bit more interesting with the ultimatum game – like summer or winter, coffee or tea, and money or companionship.

These topics might be tedious (except the answers are always different for every person), but it’s a way to get a glimpse into someone’s interests, aspirations, lifestyle, or ideal lifestyle.

If you’re in the situation where you have gotten to know the person prior to having a first date (you may have covered these topics over the phone or online), there are bound to be things you still don’t know that may pop-up throughout conversation. The main focus here is that you want to keep the date lighthearted and fun, not full of interrogating questions like they’re the suspect of a crime or simply a “check-list”.

Compliment where and when it is appropriate. This isn’t necessarily a topic, but hey, if you’re on a first date with someone they are 110% likely wanting to know that you’re interested. Dropping subtle hints in the form of compliments does the trick – you don’t need to go overboard or overthink it.

Stop worrying that you’ll only be giving him a big head if you tell him you like the way he styles his hair, or that you admire he has such driven career goals.

The day to day stuff is not as whomp-whomp as you think. I’m just saying, these are little tid-bits you might want to know right off the bat. On a surface level this may not mean that much, but if he’s a couch potato while you’re a go-go-go type person… by date #56 this may eventually matter.

You can only hope he’s not sugar-coating the truth. That means you need to be real with him if your weekends are usually planned out minute-to-minute, or a huge surprise if you get out of your pajamas.

touch on the nitty-gritty stuff

What they do for a “living”, career path, andddd financial savviness. Maybe you know their job title already, but you can always expand on that.

You can ask if it is their career choice, and why or why not. Either way, it’s important to focus on the bigger picture when it comes to employment – drive, passion, life goals, and motivation over how much they’re bringing in each paycheck.

Although the money talk is something to tread lightly, being compatible when it comes to financial goals and management is actually severely underrated. Too many are either afraid to ask (fearing their date will get the wrong [gold-digger] impression), they’re less savvy themselves, or it’s of no value or importance to them in life and in a partner.

Um, let’s not forget, money is one of the leading causes of relationship problems. Mostly because neither are on the same page in one aspect or another when it comes to the finances, so start making it a priority in dating compatibility.

If financial stability (or street smart in terms of money) is important to you – likeeee whether they actually have a savings account, can budget on spending, how much interest they earn vs. what they pay, and hopefully know what all that is to begin with – make it known! You can easily do that without focusing on the superficial side of figures.

Channel his inner childhood. And what I mean is… ask about their family, traditions, and upbringing. How many siblings they have (what it was like growing up with them or as an only child), if their parents are still together and who they believe they take after most in the family.

Get to know their family pastimes and traditions – what the holidays were like as a family, any special birthdays they remember, what positives and negatives they took away from their upbringing, and overall if their childhood is a happy core memory.

You may not see the point in going way back before adulthood, but young and adolescent years are a critical part of who they are, thanks to upbringing, social and family structure, influence, and environment.

Life goals, self-GROWTH, and personal aspirations. Okay, look, I’m not talking about how many countries they plan to visit in their lifetime, the dream of selling their home to buy an RV and live off the grid, or embracing the rich-rich or hood-rich life (aka owning nice things when they can barely make rent or afford groceries). Life goals aren’t all materialistic. The last thing you want is being in the thick of life and that person up and leave you because it isn’t what they “signed up” for – you know, the things you can’t predict let alone control.

Life goals: stability and commitment, family, quality over quantity, personal and relational growth and balance, self-discovery, improvement and development, lifelong companionship, health over wealth – that sorta thing.

Part of compatibility is wanting the same end-goal(s) in life. If your intentions are serious, hopefully you already have an idea of what yours are. While some believe compatibility in this sense doesn’t matter (because these goals can change – valid), you are either accepting of mismatching goals or you aren’t. Either way, you have a right to know ahead of the game.

This is your opportunity to know the big ones – whether they believe in marriage, want to be married someday, and aspire to have a family of their own. The key here is not to overindulge. There’s no need to know the when and how, nor should you spill the fact you wish you were engaged like yesterday.

There are also other life aspirations that sometimes get shrugged off but are still fairly important to keep in mind (rather than assuming they will “change” to your liking) – like having the freedom to travel rather than living in one place, financial stability, maintaining a fit and active lifestyle, eating a strict and healthy diet, building on their relationship with God, starting a business, checking off a wild bucket list, learning new skills, be a part of the peace corp (or some other on-the-move organization), personal and marital happiness, etc.

If your life compasses don’t seem to align, then it is up to you to decide if that is going to be a deal-breaking factor for you. You will need to take into consideration that some have their own set standards when it comes to their relationship and life aspirations, and they may not be willing to compromise that.

Find that out now, and don’t go in with the mindset for “change” down the road.

Touch on morals and values. You know there is much more than the idea of I Do and Parenthood when it comes to finding the right partner. Many might think topics that spark right from wrong, or differences in personal opinion, are conversations considered off limits (and deemed too serious) for first dates.

Ahem, like religion and politics.

I say if it genuinely matters to you then have at it, but not in full-blown attack and defense mode. Look, there is nothing wrong with getting an idea of someone’s political stance, or what religious views they practice.

And whether you’re someone who judges or bases your relationships solely upon these differences or not at all, then that’s on you.

Morals and values are everything when it comes to being with the right person for you, because having this solid ground to work from makes it a lot easier to stand on.

And TBH I’m not about wasting time where I don’t need to.

Sure, understanding your partner’s values in-depth (as they correspond to the growth of your relationship) is something you learn over time, and making sure they consistently align with your own. But there are a few core, fundamental values you can leave with from a first date.

You may want to know their take on relationship dynamics, whether they lean more toward traditional or modern views when it comes to dating in general, or relationships and marriage. To keep this fairly light-hearted, you can find out the basics by asking:

Are you monogamous? Do you believe in commitment?

(If question applies) Why do you want to get married?

Equality or equity? What is the significance of each in relationships?

How important is partnership to you? And what do you consider to be ideal qualities in partnership?

What do you value most in a relationship?

What makes you feel the most fulfilled in a relationship?

What is the biggest lesson you have learned so far as an adult?

What do you believe is your purpose in life?

Who is someone you look up to, and why?

Do you believe in soulmates? If not, why? If so, what do you define as a soulmate?

Get a glimpse of the ghost of relationship’s past. And I don’t mean asking for her name and social handles in order to creepily compare to later on. There should be zero references to an actual person when it comes to discussing previous relationship history. But frankly, we’re at a point where we should be able to talk about our ex-relationships respectfully since they do have an impartial and direct impact on our lives.

Who doesn’t matter, period. It’s the logistics that are what shape, hoist and determine the outcome of future relationships.

Find out what his longest relationship was and the lessons learned that shaped and ultimately ended those relationships. This might be where situations of jealousy, deceit, unfaithfulness or abuse are brought into the light. Don’t push, pry or tread too far into the deep end. Again, KISS.

The biggest take-away from previous relationships is learning about someone’s past experience and their level of integrity. Getting to know someone’s previous dating resume can give you clues to any red flags, or recurring patterns (like if he tells you all of his EX’s were “crazy”).

Ask thought-provoking questions like,

Have you been in love? If not, what do you think has been missing? If so, how would you define it?

What’s one thing you learned from your last relationship – good and bad?

How have your previous relationships shaped the person you are today?

In 3 qualities, how would you describe your philosophy on relationship success? (ie. honesty, intimacy, communication)

NO trespassing [topics to avoid]

Talking negatively about yourself. This especially applies to those who do so as a way to fish for affirmation and acceptance.

I get it, your job sucks at the moment, you aren’t close with your family, true friends are hard to find these days, and you’re kicking yourself for not yet being in a committed relationship at 30.

As difficult as life can get, which is universal, own it. Don’t let your pitfalls make you bitter, let them make you better. You can be real with someone without depleting your sense of worth or value… or over-perform for it.

Confidence – even a little bit of arrogance – will always be far more attractive than self-destruction. And if you’re confident in you, you won’t need your worth to be validated by someone else.

Remember, a relationship or partner should not be expected to complete you. If your date is getting the vibe of having to save you from constant self-sabotage, on the first go-around, they’re going to consider what other negativity (or baggage) you may bring to the table.

Talking negatively about the opposite sex, or your EXes. This should be common sense, right? That includes any references, generalizations or comments about ex-partners or the opposite sex in general.

Don’t make your bed if you’re not willing to lie in it. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

The ins and outs of physical intimacy, unless it feels absolutely right. Eh, you know what? I’m going to roll with it. To some sex is of equal importance as any other aspect in relationships. For me, I just wasn’t an open book when it came to discussing sex on a first date – the “my body is a temple” was something I respected more as I got older, and something I [now] regret sabotaging as an adolescent.

So, for obvious reasons, I won’t personally condone it. But just so you know… it isn’t for everyone, and some will even use it to their advantage. So if not having sex on a first date or avoiding the inclination (that you’re DTF) early on is your truth, then I would advise not discussing it, period.

I see it like this: if you bring dessert to the table before having even eaten the main course, guess what most will be tempted to go for (or taste-test) first? Ding, ding. At that point, the main course will be skipped over or rushed through because it is now meaningless, undesirable, and insignificant. And just when you think a small sample of dessert with dinner won’t hurt, it now becomes an available option, expected even, and that’s not exactly something you can just take back without some form of repercussions.

Sex can still be important in relationships, but if organic chemistry exists then there should be no need to peek down the rabbit hole if that’s not where you intend to go on a first date.

Unnecessary/irrelevant drama of any sort. This includes family, friend or EX drama, as well as the attitude strung along with it. If this is your idea of being real or being the real you, you might want to reframe that mindset. First impressions are important, and courtesy can influence that. So it’s important to know when to keep life problems from negatively impacting your love life.

Leave that kind of chaos at home – save it for venting to your girlfriends, and start off the first date with a fresh, clean face.

Jumping the gun on the next date. Hold up. I say this because sometimes vibes can be onesided or misread, and often times people are taking that leap of faith prematurely.

One person can be convinced the date is going superb while the fact of the matter is the other person is just in it to get it over with…cordially and politely. Or when wind of a second date is mentioned too soon, it can sound like desperation to someone who enjoys every moment and wants to take their time.

Look for verbal cues like, “I’m really glad we did this,”, “You’re really fun to be around,”, “I would love to try that with you sometime,” or even better something along the lines of “On our next date we should..“

If none of the above, read into body language. Is he being flirty or touchy-feely, or leaning their body toward/into you? These tend to be good signs, as well as eye-contact when you’re speaking, listening intently without wandering eyes, seeming bored (a lot of “mm-hmm” rather than responses with substance) or distracted (like checking their phone in silence). Someone genuinely interested will have a genuine interest in getting to know you by reciprocating the conversation (and keeping it alive).

Either way, when someone is truly, truly, truly interested in that second date – without a shadow of a doubt – it will happen so naturally that the next date would be planned out in full before the first one even ends. Sorry but nobody follows that “I’ll call you”, 3-day-rule BS anymore unless they’re spinning you through their carousel of others. Otherwise, they require time to ponder whether or not you’re worth a second date, period. It’s time to pass on that lukewarm energy.

So if you’re going to jump the gun or leap over the edge by announcing your interest for a second date, you either need enough leverage or courage to accept rejection. Because the reality is…rejection is a part of life. Don’t let it define you. BUT, if you have any ounce of doubt… avoid falling over the edge.

Don’t dabble with heavy debates. I know I mentioned above that there should be no reason to completely avoid religion and politics, and I meant it.

Even though we live in the 21st century, where acceptance and equality of all are practiced, it still doesn’t take away from the fact that both of these aspects influence and shape who we are and our way of life – our morals, values, beliefs and opinions as a person and partner in a relationship.

While this may be subjective, it’s still not uncommon today for people to look for a partner that shares similar morals and values. It is also possible for couples to differ in political and religious beliefs as well – *gasp*.

But I’m one to talk – I will openly admit that my standards included political and religious views (more so surrounding morals and values) that aligned with my own.

ALTHOUGH, this does not mean it is more the reason to get into heated debates, especially if you share differences. This is a date, not an indoctrination.

Never bring up an EX. I mean, like, a specific person. This one should be easy. In fact, it should be null and void. You can discuss past relationships without ever bringing up an EX, especially bringing up unnecessary and irrelevant specifics.

If you’re on a date, your EX is and should no longer be associated or relevant to you and your love life.

Okkk, so there are very few exceptions, like if you share children with someone else. But if you can’t disassociate your previous relationship experience (and all the feelings) from an EX, your date may have their own reasons to believe you haven’t moved on, let go, or grown up.

And you need to deeply consider this scenario in vice versa.

Refrain from oversharing and unveiling your every layer. There’s nothing wrong with being upfront, honest and open. But there’s a fine line between being you and being desperate to give your entire life story (from the beginning, middle and all the stuff that has yet to happen) on one date.

One of the exciting parts of a relationship is learning about one another over time. A flower doesn’t bloom from its core, right? No, it opens slowly starting from its outer petals.

As feelings progress, so will trust, and a growing connection will follow suit. If you share too much too soon, or certain information that may be considered less appealing on a first date… it can have an unintended, negative effect. Your date may process certain information much differently on that first date than they would possibly 6 months into your relationship.

Some information might just be what pushes your date over the edge – like explaining in grave detail how you’re dealing with your irritable bowel syndrome. As serious as that condition actually is, look, for a first date that can be too much.

A healthy relationship requires patience, without feeling the need to put all your eggs into one basket, or peeling back your onion layers all in one sitting.

Inquiring about salary. This goes for comparing salaries, too. It doesn’t matter if you both happen to be in the same line of work, on a first date the comma or decimal placement and numbers shouldn’t matter.

Money is one of the top relationship struggles, and as for why couples fight. So if figures are all that seem to matter, your date is going to get the impression that, [1] you only care about how much will be expended on you, [2] people’s worth/value comes from [financial] “success”/status or how well they perform, or [3] worldly [superficial] desires are the only thing that seems to bring you contentment.

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Unsolicited advice or unnecessary boasts. You’re on a date – don’t patronize a potential connection. Solving problems and giving advice may not be as helpful as it is to simply listen and let be. So if you’re date is opening up to you about how they are trying out the keto diet, show your support without instruction unless they happen to ask for your thoughts.

This also includes gloating. As much as this might be unintentional or without ill will, a first date calls for conscious self-awareness. Making a good impression, or trying to impress your date is cool, yet you can be proud of your accomplishments humbly. It’s time to read the room if you’re babbling on about how you’re on your 3rd BMW upgrade while your date has made it known they that they are lucky to be able to afford a car that runs, period.

Your date may be impressed that you made it up the corporate ladder, but if it starts to feel like a position of inferiority or rivalry then your date may feel position of power or success is more important to you than having a real relationship.

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