Stop expecting YOU in people – sincerely, a recovering codependent

A slightly nasty, yet logical part of me thinks we do this because we are constantly told we are imperfectly perfect, and to focus on our positive qualities. So we start looking for that same sense of perfection in others. You know, to see the good in others – except we’re looking for that good to measure up to our own perceived goodness.

And when we don’t get it from others, well, we’re left disappointed.

I know you’ve been there the same as I have. “People suck. Why is it so hard to find others who are…compassionate…loving…understanding…hardworking…etc.?“

But what exactly makes up a good, genuine, and decent human being? Universal qualities like kindness, being respectful, compassionate, and giving. We forget that those qualities may only be seen in the way we perceive them.

A person is nice because they let someone behind them go ahead at the grocery store since they only had a few items, yet you were next behind with only a few items as well and that person didn’t offer to let you go to the front, too. Now they’re suddenly inconsiderate because your expectation of them was let down.

Meeting expectations is something I battle with constantly. I guess you could say I’m convinced people are impossible to please – myself included. Obviously, because my needs and wants change daily, even hourly. Only now, as an adult, am I seeing how this has made me fearful and severely codependent in ways I am working to change now.

Growing up I was reiterated of who I shouldn’t be moreover loving myself for who I am and embracing the person I become, regardless of what others think of me. And that if I became this person I shouldn’t, I would then be unloving and unloved. Even spelling that out sounds weird AF, but this is a fairly big aspect of my life I’ve kept mostly to myself in order to prove others wrong (through auditioning, performing, and winning the approval of others). Hey-yo, codependency, there she is!

I always felt I had to work at maintaining people’s different expectations [of me] and to hate (change) the parts of myself others “disliked”. This ultimately made me resentful [of others]. But I also hated the fear of disappointing others, feeling disconnected [outcasted], and being seen as unworthy or not enough more.

We’re told that other people’s opinions of us don’t and shouldn’t matter, but that just isn’t true. They do matter, especially the opinions of those we love and care about. So this fear became such an internal struggle for me as an adult figuring out who I truly was because I was conditioned to believe that others’ perception of me was more important than what I thought of me. And that if I wasn’t as compassionate, out-going, affectionate, giving, or loving (and so on) as another, or when it was expected of me, then I programmed myself as being uncompassionate, anti-social, unaffectionate, selfish, or cold-hearted.

Consequently, I am repulsed by the feeling of having to please people at my own expense. Meaning, I subconsciously resent others for having to neglect myself [who I am], my own needs, wants, feelings and happiness in order to make others happy or to avoid disconnection. In a twisted sense, when I am giving or loving it isn’t necessarily out of desire (most times) but obligation. This reality made me feel even worse about myself on top of being utterly exhausted from feeling like I had to please people beyond my emotional means. And I feared more that I was becoming this person I was told not to be.

But from acknowledging my own trauma wounds and generational conditioning as well as societal conditioning, I have learned it doesn’t work like that. That just because someone is considerably more compassionate than I am doesn’t mean I’m not at all. And it sure as f*ck doesn’t make me lesser, unworthy, undeserving, or incapable of love. That’s like deeming the person who donated 1 million dollars to charity as more giving and compassionate than the person who donated $100, without even considering those who don’t donate at all (for their own justified reasons).

The big takeaway, and a conscious mistake we make in this life, is understanding how expecting to see yourself in other people can have such a negative impact on your mental health and overall happiness. Because if you live your life based on your expectations of others, you will live a slow, painful death.

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why you need to stop expecting YOU in people – sincerely, a recovering codependent

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Stop expecting others to fulfill you or make you whole

There isn’t anyone on this earth who knows you best, nor has the power and duty to your happiness or purpose in life. Just like they say money can’t buy happiness – stability may be one thing, luxuries are another – some of the richest people in the world are still the unhappiest and most unfulfilled.

Nothing – no one – is responsible for making you complete, happy, or fulfilled, except YOU.

Stop expecting others to agree with you or understand you

Personally, I don’t believe our purpose in life is to convert, belittle, invalidate, change or eradicate everyone’s opinions, beliefs, or way of thinking. At least, not directly, coercively, or shamefully. Only my own directly affect me – no one else’s – so why allow someone else’s choosing or way of life to ruin mine? This goes without saying we should be more open-minded and accepting of other beliefs and opinions apart from our own – we can do that while still honoring our own. But the more you honor your own opinions, beliefs, and feelings the less approval you’ll require from others. Sometimes this need for validation turns into the need to change and control others.

I go into a frenzy when anyone tries to imply, instill, preach or solicit me about their views (knowing mine differ) because the last thing I want is to be chastised for what every one of us is entitled to. Growing up, I wasn’t exactly encouraged to form my own opinions and beliefs about something – as an imaginative and creative person at heart, this was VERY difficult to manage. So now into my adult life, my way of thinking has been rocky, unstable, and brittle in a very black and white extremist society. I easily merge and conform to others’, especially if they fail or refuse to agree with or understand my POV.

Sure, facts, data, and personal experience are all logical, but many people will ultimately believe what they want to believe. Many will simply choose not to believe something if they “close their eyes to it”, or they’ll follow the path they’re told to (or succumbed) whether that’s the popular majority, the lesser minority, factually wrong, or emotionally self-serving. And many hold on so tight to their beliefs whether they lose the respect and acceptance of others or not. Yet I struggle immensely having them at all when others didn’t agree or understand them.

So the goal of trying to make people understand and think the same as you is just another way of conforming to groupthink. It’s also a complete waste of energy.

Stop expecting others to pick up what you throw down

People come and go momentarily or stay throughout our lives, and are there to help support, guide, motivate and encourage us. And we’ve all been there – using self-sabotaging behavior simply to hear those words of affirmation or to be taken care of.

But people are not meant to be used as vessels for your negativity.

For instance, you’re nervous about that new job interview. So you tell a friend that you don’t think you’re skilled enough to be in the corporate world juuuust to get that confirmation you were really after. No harm, no foul – everyone needs a pick-me-up now and then. But when this kind of behavior is done programmatically – oof. This is someone who tends to kick themselves in the ass when they’re already down, or intentionally out of a need for someone else to blanket their inner wounds and insecurities.

Sure, times get tough, and it’s reassuring to have those in your life you know you can rely on for support, love, and guidance. But relying on others to save you and essentially bringing them down with you in the process is a sure-fire way to live in constant, repetitive misery.

Stop expecting others to like, love and respect you

Especially when you are not giving that to yourself first, because the way you treat yourself is showing others how to treat you. But the one thing most forget is that while you might be the most perfect, ripest peach on this planet… not everyone will like peaches. And you have to be okay with that.

This is why you are encouraged to surround yourself with those who accept and value you rather than expending your energy trying to fit a square into a circular hole.

Stop expecting others to change

Or to be accountable, to be the bigger person or take the blame. You cannot make someone be anything, more or less of something, and especially not the ideal image of them you wish to see.

We expect people to change and will wait around miserably for it because this [way of “self-sacrifice”] has become conditioned as an act of love. Change is a very personal and individual matter. It is a self-choice. And when change is genuine it will occur not because you want it to or think you know what is best. The other person has to want to change and see the value behind it on their own.

So when there are things you want to change about your relationship or your partner, it’s because you are wanting access to something you cannot control. The only person you can control and change is you.

Stop expecting an apology, closure or forgiveness

Because the hard truth is… you won’t always get it.

And frankly, you don’t need it. You don’t need “I’m sorry,” or “I forgive you,” to move on and be happy. You are allowing someone else’s approval to control you and your happiness, which may never come and ultimately won’t change any situation.

Be the one brave enough to give yourself the closure you need and strong enough to forgive yourself.

Take off the chains you allow by others to weigh and hold you down.

Stop expecting others to be happy

You’re driving along, minding your own business, and there’s that one person that cuts you off, swerving across 3 lanes of traffic, slams on their brakes and beeps at the car in front of them for driving too slow. In the streamline of curse words to calm yourself, you are also probably thinking, “Damnn, dude, just chill out.“

Sure, what this person did was likely uncalled for and unnecessary, and this is just a light example, but at the same time you weren’t taking into consideration that they might have been dealing with an emergency (even if that was racing home to take a sh*t – been there) or had a bad day.

Without even realizing it we consciously assume, dismiss and invalidate the way people are truly feeling all.the.time. Everyone has their own internal struggles, yet we always expect to see people’s light.

It’s really not that hard to be happy, even when you’re not, for the sake of others… is it? See how bad that sounds?

So it’s important that while everyone should embrace their light that in no way means you should ignore the darkness.

Stop expecting others to read your mind

People are always reaching for something organic – and not just food, but like when it comes to their interpersonal relationships and friendships. We all want our partners to want to make us happy without having to ask, right?

That’s fine, I get that.

But expecting a connection between others to have a basic, consistent flow without effort, direction, expression, change or initiation is and will always be a dead-end game.

Your wants, needs and desires change on a daily basis more than you think. Today your desire may be to have a clean house and finish that book – tomorrow it’s to accomplish your work for the week so you can have a 3-day weekend and take a painting class.

And yours differ from everyone else’s. If one day you need someone’s support, but the next day need time alone…the only way you will get that change across to someone else is by communicating it.

When you’re expecting others to read your mind, you are more likely to set that person up to fail. And when your expectations are not being met, they are often expressed as a complaint. Those complaints are hidden desires, and only you know what they are.

When you complain to your partner that you both never do anything fun, you are expecting your partner to read your mind (to discover the hidden desire behind your complaint). That’s because you’re hoping for a specific end result – for your partner to want to step up, make you happy and do more date nights without being asked.

This is why most will say when they tell their partner to step up on date night, and they do, it often feels forced. Not organic.

That’s because your hidden desire actually has nothing to do with your partner, yet it’s easier to simply blame someone else because that’s who is expected to fulfill them.

No wonder you’re often left disappointed.

In order to have that organic intimacy or connection, you must express, voice and communicate your true desires… not expect your partner to read your mind.

So the true desire behind the complaint that you and your partner ‘never go out together’ may really be that you want to try that new restaurant in town, see [said] movie in the theaters or start bowling on Fridays again.

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Stop expecting a specific outcome, or end result

As the saying goes, “Nobody can make you feel inferior [or insert literally anything here] without your consent.” The freaking crazy thing is people still consent to so much negativity in order to get a specific outcome.

We consent to anger, hurt, offense and disappointment simply because we are expecting validation and gratification as the result, like remorse, guilt, regret or sorrow.

When things don’t go our way, we expect compensation. When we go above and beyond or do things for others, we expect something in return. Sometimes we expect something from nothing. This is the quickest way to disappointment.

Life won’t always be fair or easy, and people won’t always live up to your expectations. But you are also not meant to live up to others.