Or, for those who may need better clarity, detecting the guy who’s only in it for the sex. ANDDDD, finding a man after, and in it, for your heart, not a body count. Yet sometimes it’s much easier to find Waldo in villain form first, so that’s the focus here. This post may not entirely rub you the right way, buuuuut that’s kind of the point because where there’s discomfort in our lives is something needing to surface.
It’s honestly shocking, but also not surprising, how insanely difficult and combative this is – you know, finding someone who doesn’t place sex at the forefront. It REALLY doesn’t help that we live in a “sexually-liberated” and therefore hyper-sexualized world, where much of people’s identities and [self-entitled] desires revolve around sex. So I decided to do away with the whole “rooted in biology” nonsense, that we’re *sexual beings*. No, we’re connective beings, and as human beings, we severely lack and have completely denounced self-control. Or we just simply don’t care. And too many have entirely submitted to this.
Though, let’s not jump the gun. This post is talking about you – what YOU can do [control]. *As always, the thoughts, opinions and beliefs throughout this post are entirely my own.
3 Ways to find a man after your heart, not a body count (sex)
Again, this post is referring to what YOU can do and what YOU can control, so if you were hoping for a man bashing fest of all the things they need to change in order for you to change, this isn’t it. We’re all responsible for ourselves here, so let’s get to it.
Embrace the “hate” for being unconventional
I’m just going to say it, yup – embrace being called all the names in the book or labeled stereotypes. For not “putting out” or moving from base to base according to his desired *timeline*. For not always being “easy-going” or chill – AKA, being “too much”. For not over-extending, over-explaining and certainly not for succumbing to or seeking out unruly wild fire behaviors (Love-bombing, excessive affection and attention).
Sincerely, though, we often go out of our way to avoid the names and labels because avoiding a little damage to our ego is worth the expense of our dignity. This actually does far more damage to our self-esteem. At 30-something, I look back now and regret the fear of being called a tease over being “easy”. I think about the number of things I would have done different then now, like avoiding going back to his place, but there was no telling me otherwise for doing exactly what I wanted at the time (while defiant of any sort of unwanted consequences).
Let’s just say now I’m having to “reparent” myself when I didn’t know better. So, yeah, I carry a different mindset now: it was very unhealthy of me to go around hooking up, craving and caving to the attention of guys because *it felt good* (to be wanted, *desired*, to feel “in control” or liberated). And it’s never been clearer to me: the guy(s) who were after my heart were not the guys with a focus of [trying/wanting to] get in my pants. *These were often the guys who grew tired of or redacted the “nice guy” or “gentlemen-like” facade when they realized they couldn’t (get in my pants so *easily*).
Even our external influences can have a negative impact. I had friends literally celebrating or egging on certain behaviors that I now would say screams desperation and a cry for help. By conforming to what everyone else is doing, or “the trend”, you’re an easy target. By setting yourself apart from what everyone else is doing, celebrating or enabling, you become a moving target. And, LBR, nobody likes a moving target. But the guy whose after your heart won’t be phased by this because hitting a target isn’t even his goal. He doesn’t view you as something to win (like a prize), but someone to earn. There’s a major difference.
In fact, as odd as it may sound, the one after your heart may not even appear interested (to you) simply because he won’t be leading with chemistry! He will be more interested in getting to know who you are rather than relishing in who you are physically.
Sure, there are certainly ways to find a man whose after your heart without being “set apart” [from others], but that’s way more self-destructive than it is to acknowledge someone [for who they are] that calls you a tease or ultimately dips for you wanting to pause or wait on having sex. Instead, call it for what it is: a blessing in disguise. Oh, and that you’re not the problem…he’s just a genuine Butthole with zero self-control. So trust me when I say his stench will accumulate slowly but surely he will reap what he sows.
Don’t buy into his “physical” Love Language ideology
I worded that bullet point so it would be easier to understand. Granted, a guy may never, ever reference anything about “Love Language” but he WILL say things like [similar to, but not word for word],
“Sex is how I feel more connected..”
“Being intimate [physical] is how I know you really like me and I really like you..“
“[Wanting to have] Sex means we are *progressing*..” or “..this is the next step for me/us.“
“You reject me or keep denying me [of sex, physical intimacy]..” [The key words “reject” and “deny”, this implies that rejection/denial influences his interest in you].
“I’m just a really touchy-feely kind of person..” .. [He’s really referring to “sex”, which means he revolves physical intimacy around sex as a way to try speeding up the process by guilting you into tolerating his touchy-feely-ness, or desire for affection]. *This can often make women feel like they have to endure being uncomfortable and just accept his bids for physical affection because “it’s who he is”. No ma’am, no.
Don’t. buy. into. this. If we are to take the “Love Languages” into account, that is theology for the committed, not for singlehood. Unfortunately we live in a day in age where not only Love equates to Sex but Sex equates to Love, which is dangerous for those noncommittal.
The man whose in it for your heart does not confuse sex for Love and Love for sex because he does not view sex as the glue OR the determinant. He doesn’t need to test drive a Mercedes to know it’s a high value, worthy vehicle. FYI, we test drive cars before buying them because 1. we can (doesn’t mean we should but, you know, *free will*), and 2. because it’s way more fun to get a feel for the ride without any strings attached. *We shouldn’t want to play people in this manner since the way I just described is actually fairly degrading, including to ourselves.
Love-bombing doesn’t equate to courtship
Please, please, please bear with me on this one. Nobody even likes that term courtship anymore because of its traditional implications, but whatever. Yet we’re all about that Love-bombing, aren’t we? All day, every day. Even when we know, deep down, there’s still something missing. That’s because Love-bombing is not as genuine or authentic as we deem it to be. It comes from a place of emotional impulse, over-stimulation, insecurity, manipulation (intentional or not), instant gratification, infatuation and compensation (transactional).
I would go as far to say that Love-bombing presents the opposite of Love and respect. Oop.
Personally, back when society called for the eradication of courtship (and still is)…Love-bombing slowly took its place. Yayy. While I’m sure men would agree that courtship was considered *work*, they would also agree that dating today is *more work* [difficult, undesirable]. I think women would also agree. Now that the traditionalism of chivalry and courtship are seemingly in decline, we are still left with the unhealthy behaviors of the arrogant, elusive, covert and avoidant as well as the infamous insecure, hyper-sensitive, clingy and overbearing.
Love-bombing, IMO, is *more work* because not only does it condense the emotional progression of a connection, but it forces it into existence (even if it’s not really there) then amplifies it beyond the parameters of what would normally be considered “falling in Love”. Love-bombing is simply the Dead End road to burn out, always. It’s like chemistry or interest on steroids. Oh, wait, that’s called infatuation! Though it may temporarily *feel* good, the adverse effects are damaging one way or another.
Love-bombing, whether you are the deliverer or the receiver, more than likely *exhausts* individuals, preventing them from achieving let alone experiencing true compatibility and connection. And yet, more often than not, I believe these relationships burn themselves out inevitably much faster than, say, *the work* in courtship. Courtship is a [somewhat slow] process. Therefore, for the guy whose in it for the sex, Love-bombing is definitely the way to go as in order to “reach his goal” faster and more efficiently now that individuals have become desensitized to the inauthencity of Love-bombing behaviors. Meaning, because we Love anything instantly gratifying it’s slipped into part of the norm.
ANYWAY, my point here is to take note that Love-bombing can often be used as a tug on your heart strings – again, to falsify and amplify a “connection”, one that is often premature and chemically-induced in nature. Even manipulation and jealousy has taken the form of Love-bombing, since it’s behaviors are often used as a way of control or for reciprocity [compensation].
The guy who is after your heart knows that what it takes to earn you will not be a sprint, but a marathon. With that said, he is willing to wait, and he doesn’t rush connection. On top of that, he is grounded and self-controlled – meaning, you won’t see him pouring out attention and affection or putting his [sexual]*needs* unapologetically on display.
