Why women find the bad boy type so irresistibly attractive

Many women tend to fall for the “bad boy” – you might also label this type as “the a**holes”. They’re the type we know is trouble or bad news bears. Many would even argue that they attract this type, let alone gravitate to them. So if women know the [likely] “negative” repercussions surrounding this type, why do we find them so irresistibly attractive?

Ladies, this post is for you.

As a woman now married to a wonderful man, I also look back on my previous dating and relationship history and ask myself the very same question. I also ask myself, “I KNEW, so what was I THINKING?!”

I’ve spent a lotttttttt of time unpacking this topic, and everything surrounding it. Because, I, too, was once in the position – as much as I’d like to deny it, I also had a thing for the bad boys. And then I opened my eyes. Maybe we just need to call it a phase and wrap it up. But of course that’s not how it works. Now that I recognize this type for what it actually is, it’s almost impossible to unsee the real reasons women continue to swoon over the bad boys, and find them impossible to resist.

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Why women find the bad boy type so irresistibly attractive

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*All thoughts, beliefs and opinions throughout this post are my own. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t. The point is to allow and expand on new/other perspectives.

They exude a false sense of confidence we see as “sexy”

And I’m here to tell you…that’s not confidence. That’s called inconsiderate arrogance and deep-rooted insecurities masked by the undertones of a superiority complex. So what specific qualities or behaviors are we talking about in terms of this confidence? For starters, they portray this “I don’t need you” vibe; the bad boy types don’t need to give or offer much of anything [of themselves] in order to receive attention and affection.

They also exude an “outlawed” risk factor, and we like to turn it into a false positive. Whether it’s traits like rebelliousness, impulsivity, perplexity, or stubbornness, I find it’s “dark traits” like these that seem so intriguing and tempting because we know that kind of person would essentially force us out of our comfort zone. You might say the bad boy type can feel freeing or liberating, in a way. Yet, we also recognize that these traits do not embody a healthy, long-term partner if we’re seeking honesty, respect, empathy and compassion when the bad boy type is known for being rude, more aggressive/controlling/manipulative, indifferent, and insensitive.

The thing is, I see the risk factor of these “dark, mysterious traits” being more about their inability to commit, let alone stay grounded. And while there’s an undeniable level of infatuation to this, I find that the risk walks a fine line of toxic masculinity. In fact, I’m sure of it. Yet we still find the bad boy risk so enthralling, as if this is our way to tame or be tamed.

Bad boys are, in and of itself, a project – or maybe more like a super-satisfying Eye-Spy puzzle. Maybe we really do enjoy being kept “busy”, productive, distracted – or is that simply what’s been expected of us? Hm, interesting. Although, as women, we also thrive on external validation, and what better challenge than to show the bad boy types “what they’re missing” or “what they do need”. Yep, there it is – “pick me, choose me”.

In reality, the bad boy confidence is actually covert emotional unavailability. This means a lack of transparency and vulnerability across the board; in turn, we often brush off the lack of respect, consideration, and regard as well. And whyyyyy is this “sexy”? Well, to not need, depend or rely on anyone (to be emotionally guarded and independent on all fronts) has been the talk of societal norm today, especially for women. So when we look at the bad boy type, this is often viewed as rugged/”manly”/masculine, empowering, and stable. We often call this as having a “tough exterior” or hard shell. Again, we often see this as a challenge in bad boys. It’s a chance to “break open” and reveal a [presumed/expected] “soft, mushy” inside.

If we succeed, that somehow makes us “special”, worthy, valuable, etc.. What we’re really doing is combating and romanticizing a false sense of confidence in hopes we will ultimately be “the one” to humble them. In turn, we’re constantly reaffirming our conditioned beliefs that men are hopeless, aggressive, untrustworthy and unrealiable.

We don’t like to be played, but part of us unconsciously does

If you feel like the bad boys somehow feed this deep, dark corner of your soul, then you’ll probably be the last one to admit that you struggle with complacency or boredom in terms of the type of guys you go for. I find that women who can’t veer from the bad boy types often admit they want a “nice guy”, when unfortunately the term “nice guy” is the wolf in sheep’s clothing category. Sooo…”nice guys” are still the bad boys with a prettier title.

But it goes like this: when you’ve experienced more traumatic or unhealthy relationships, you are actually more likely to seek out those similar relationships.

Of course, no one actually enjoys being in complicated or chaotic relationships. No one really likes being played, either – lied to, cheated on, abandoned, rejected, and so on. So when I say part of us unconsciously do, I am referring to our conditioned beliefs and thinking (from childhood upbringing, societal norms/conditioning, and relationship history). We act like we don’t know the bad boy types are “trouble”, yet we touch the hot stove, anyway.

Part of me thinks being played is the opportunity to prove ourselves – there’s also a level of unhealthy infatuation with the emotional chaos “trouble” brings. Again, we know this, but we act like a next time will somehow be different.

Another part of me thinks it has nothing to do with being played, necessarily, but disproportionately glorifying positive treatment while excusing negative treatment. Meaning, the bad boy type becomes more attractive when they treat you like a queen after a period of treating you like you’re invisible. This is both excruciating and pleasurable at the same time, especially if/when it turns out in our favor. IYKYK.

Now imagine how this can become a twisted and enabled cycle many say is utterly irresistible, because that’s what happens.

Bad boys “Love Bomb”, too, but with different motives

As mentioned above, bad boys play a major role in the game of cat and mouse, hot and cold, and catch and release. Bad boys know how to Love Bomb, too. Except, I find there is falsified intentionality to it, so it’s not really genuine. Granted, Love Bombing in itself isn’t exactly healthy behavior, but I think most have reasonably genuine motives and intentions.

But when the bad boy types Love Bomb – on top of all else in this post – it’s nuclear. It’s strategic, manipulative, rather aggressive, and stealthily destructive. Oftentimes I think women will combine the level of chemistry with the bad boy confidence and simply define it as, “he just knows what he wants and he goes after it“. So the Love Bombing affection and attention bad boys tend to play mimics pursuit and protection, while we are calling it chivalry.

Hm, maybe that’s why true chivalry today gets such a bad name.

For instance, there’s just something primal, and sensual, about a protective man [of a/his woman]. Now insert bad boy type: this “protection” becomes more aggressive, controlling, reckless, and jealous.

In pursuit, we think it’s all about him taking the lead, or saying and doing all the nice [right] things. It’s more like preying. You think they’re chasing after you when they’re in Love Bomb mode, but they’re actually giving you just enough to keep you from second-guessing or doubting. It’s to hold you over. They know they can get away with this level of trickery as long as they push the right buttons consistently enough. So you’ll forget all about the fact they went MIA all week or ditched you one night to hang with the guys.

They will also Love Bomb by heavily relying on chemistry. Another manipulative tactic when they say things like, “What we got going on is so special, so unique – you can’t deny there’s a spark – you can’t walk away from this fire between us – you know the other night we had was amazing – blah, blah, blah“. Notice the use of “you” rather than “I”. Anything to avoid being detected by your radar, and what better way than to turn the focus on you.

Bad boys want to keep you within [their] range – enough to keep you from waking to your senses – whether that be walking away or expecting more [of them] (aka a [deeper] connection). Hence why with the bad boy types there’s a lot of push and pull. This can tug on the ole’ heartstrings because it can FEEL like they want you, and you will feel like they NEED you.

Except the truth is they twist it to be the other way around.

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Chemistry and sexual connection supersede all else

I know many will hate to hear it because, while chemistry is important, it can also poison or compensate for a true connection.

Think of your favorite dessert: now imagine it being placed right in front of you. It’s much harder to turn down eating it when it’s already right in front of you, isn’t it? Because now you’re looking at how good it looks, smelling it, imagining what it tastes like, and maybe at this point justifying a bite.

Bad boys have sex written all over them – they look, smell, act, walk and talk sex. They have it openly on display for the world to see because it’s the only thing they’ve got. They lead with sex instead of emotional maturity and self-control because sex requires very little of/from them. Sex is a lot easier – it doesn’t require any connection or vulnerability, let alone meaning or value. Yet the bad boys can do a superb job at making it seem like the chemistry is all your doing (for why they can’t resist you, won’t keep their hands off you, or want to “jump your bones”), but in reality that’s because a sexual connection is the only form of connection they’re offering up. And for the bad boy type, this is always a “take it or leave it” approach, yet we think [convince ourselves] the emotional connection is built in somewhere down the line.

This becomes enticing and seductive when we have romanticized a sexual connection and have been conditioned to believe that chemistry equates to compatibility (“love at first sight”, soulmate connection, fiery passion, etc.). So, duh, the sex might be explosive…but when there’s no [true] emotional connection, so will [likely] be the fights. This is when the blindfold comes on – everything else doesn’t seem to matter or gets thrown out the window altogether.

Chemistry is based on not only physical attraction but allurement. Call this “charm”, which may be energetic in some form, but it still doesn’t require an emotional connection. Why do you think it’s still possible to want to have sex with, let alone be attracted to, complete dirtbags? Chemistry, or a sexual connection, doesn’t mean you’re emotionally compatible. Alas, our flesh (our sexual desires, attractions, temptations) can be the easiest to please and the hardest to subdue when chemistry (sexual connection) becomes sovereign. AKA, it controls and determines everything else. Hence why the dirtbag suddenly becomes less dirtbag-y.

So when chemistry, or a sexual connection, is the first or only existing sign of compatibility you have, how do you know if any other connection is genuine or whether it even exists? I can remember touting what I had with the bad boy type simply because of the chemistry – I put him up on a pedestal like it was nobody’s business. At the same time, I turned my cheek to what was required for a true emotional connection, yet I still held him firm on that pedestal. Therefore, I settled for far, far less. And in one breath I even felt like I settled for what I deserved…because the chemistry, alone, was worth it.

YIKES.