8 Relationship deal breakers for men who will commit

This one’s for the ladies who are looking for a readily committed man. Let’s talk deal breakers – his deal breakers.

I get it – as a woman who was once looking for commitment, I had some fairly strict deal breakers myself. Sure, yours are certainly important, yet it’s critical to have a grasp on both sides of the fence. He has deal breakers, you know, and they’re worth considering, too.

I think that was something I often missed. I thought my relationship deal breakers were the only ones that mattered when finding a commitment, but I was wrong. There were times I was totally ready, into it, into him – he checked all the boxes for me – without taking the time to check myself.

Seriously, though. I failed to recognize that there’s a person on the other side of potential connection.

For women looking for men who will commit, these are *his* deal breakers

Have your stuff together or at least in the right direction

In all seriousness, everyone actually desires a partner with their life *somewhat* together. Does anyone actually want someone they have to coddle through life, who is a complete drab (or drain) and that they have to wait on hand and foot?

What do we typically mean by having it together, or being established? This surely ranges – from simply maintaining a roof over one’s head, clocking over 6-figures per year to winning the noble peace prize. Plus, this may look different for men and women. IMO, women focus on things like financial security and individual stability while men look for the things that are complimentary (i.e., a “maternal”-like nature, “team”-mate qualities). Together, these things effectively contribute to the balancing act of compatible relationships.

Either way, neither are looking for a boob, and we all know what that means. But it’s not how much money you bring to the table, or the kind of job you have (I say that with contingency), yet we’re scared to talk about let alone admit that Love is not everything. We know this to be true, that Love is not just a feeling. It’s also an action, an intention with follow-through, which means Love (on some level) is about each person providing value to a relationship.

And before you jump ship, no, value is not strictly monetary, but it is always purposeful. So maybe the real question to ask is, “What is your purpose (in life)?“, and building on that. Moreover, can you and are you willing to provide and take care of yourself? Again, think outside the monetary box, too.

Listen, I’m not one to talk. I never lived on my own, and I didn’t have the greatest job to support me independently when I met my husband. I was finishing up my degree, living with my parents, and working a less-than-qualified paying job to pay for college and there was just not enough money left over to comfortably afford rent at the time. I was certainly in a privileged position to stay with my parents at nearly 24 years old.

But there’s always a silver lining. I had zero debt in my name, was fiscally responsible and I wasn’t just laying around in waiting with no skills or passion for anything. I didn’t expect to be taken care of, but I aspired a life (and relationship) where two people took care of each other and made life easier for one another. Was that going to look exactly equal, fair or 50/50 to the unrealistic societal standards? Absolutely not.

It’s not about what you’re doing or how much you make, but where you’re going and what’re you doing with what you have. He may not expect you to have a play-by-play for the next 5 or 10 years of your life, but you’ll have some level of aspiration or direction (even if it’s for contentment).

Let the party phase mostly be a thing in the past

Ladies, I know you just want to have fun. But the every weekend thing at your favorite club or bar with your sorority sisters has got to come to a screeching halt. Notice in the title I said “mostly“, so there’s no need to hold your breath.

I’m not saying the occasional party or night out needs to drop dead – we’re all entitled to fun, a stress release and time with our friends. Except a committed man does not want to learn that you still get belligerent drunk at college parties or post up at the club with your girlfriends every weekend or multiple nights a week on a school night (aka, with work in the morning).

Trust me, guys will say it, too. “She parties too much (aka, she drinks too much),” came straight from the horse’s mouth of my husband’s roommate at the time. And he liked to have his fair share of fun, too. It was the straw that broke that camel’s back, regardless of how well liked or compatible she was otherwise.

Sure, if you happen to find that person who likes to have a good time as much as you in that way, then cool beans. But maybe it’s just me… when you’re truly ready to commit on another level, your life priorities will naturally shift, and your focus will be less on spending your nights out.

No drama

Said no woman, ever. Right? I would argue the very women who claim to be *drama-free* or *no-drama* can, in fact, be the most dramatic.

Now, listen, I’m talking about Level 10, chronic chaos. I might even describe these individuals to obsess over gossip and the slightest confrontation. We ought to know what that is compared to the usual, petty stuff we inevitably likely to experience from time to time with our girlfriends or family members.

Life is inevitably a drama, but when constantly received and taken to a pathological extreme…it can really put a guy off, and rightfully so. A readily committed man doesn’t have the time or energy to waste fighting the battles you seem to easily pick or can’t stop provoking, nor does he care to be in the passenger seat.

You better be rid of any cling-ons

I’m talking ex-relations or potential prospects. No readily committed man wants to share a woman who is still remotely clinging onto an ex. Period. It ends right there.

If you’re still talking to or on and off with someone, you need to make one of two choices: finish what obviously isn’t over or completely put an end to it. The guy who is looking for a committed relationship doesn’t want to find out you still have three side hustles giving you attention in your back pocket.

If you’re truly ready for a committed relationship, it’s about choosing one person to give your time and attention to, getting to know them fully and doing so without keeping your options open for something better to come along.

Get your act right (aka check yourself)

What’s your rap sheet like? If you’ve been in trouble with the law (and I mean more than a parking ticket), been fired multiple times (consistently for having a short fuse in the workplace), or have a specific reputation from your past relationships (whether you cheated or have been cheated on in every relationship), a self-evaluation might be in order.

I’m just saying, everyone’s been a victim in life, but everyone else isn’t *always* the problem. We’re still responsible for our behavior despite how we’ve been hurt and who hurt us.

If you’ve watched the latest season of Love is Blind (USA), then you’ll have seen the confusing, twisting and manipulative unraveling between Kacie and Patrick earlier in the season. First off, I’ve never watched a season where a couple so explicitly talks about sex in the pods (basically having phone sex, or pod sex). Kacie was the one who ignited this conversation and went into grave detail. Patrick should have put a stop to it, but that’s not the point I’m making here. There is a point, though, I promise.

Kacie, who claims to have been cheated on by every guy she was with (a beautiful, obviously well-off woman when it comes to looks and has no problem getting the attention of men), immediately knew she wasn’t attracted to Patrick when she first saw him outside the pods. She displayed some behaviors that suggested this, such as nuzzling into his chest and neck (as to avoid eye contact), requiring consistent movement (she couldn’t stand still with him in her presence) as well as being unusually quiet (just not having much to say at all while forcing out a few random, “You’re so handsome,” compliments).

Yet she also displayed certain behaviors that seemed to oppose this, such as kissing him (like, A LOT for someone who isn’t attracted to them) and being very hands-on affectionate with them (though it appeared to be conditioning as opposed to natural). Personally, I think she’s so used to coming off strong, sexually, with men that that’s the only way she knew how to interact with Patrick (since she had already expressed sexual desire for him in the pods) despite not actually being physically attracted to him in that moment.

Sometime later, she revealed to producers she didn’t have chemistry with Patrick, but when she went to approach him, she threw producers under the bus for apparently making it about his *looks* (ethnicity). In their conversation, where she appeared distraught, she was also perversely indirect with her true feelings about him, almost incoherent (i.e., she wasn’t finishing her sentences, being extremely vague in her wording, refused to clarify herself and was using her emotions to guide most of the conversation).

At the same time, she was still strangely kissing him and even physically jumping him in a passionate embrace (!?). Patrick walked away confused yet somehow still confident that she Loved him, though deep down felt something was *off* about the whole situation when talking to producers one-on-one.

Patrick failed in this situation being that he was much more concerned with seeming compassionate and like the *nice guy* rather than asking the appropriate questions for clarification when it was clear she was being indirect in the wake of heightened emotions. He should have looked her in the eyes and asked for a direct answer to, “Are you breaking things off – yes or no?“

Anyway, there’s a moral to the story here. While Kacie had been cheated on by every guy she was ever with, her behavior displayed in this situation doesn’t solely make her out to be a product of victimhood. She knew what she was doing when she willfully, easily and coherently told producers the truth about she felt about Patrick yet displayed the opposite behavior when confronted with him. She greatly depends on men’s infatuation with her to fulfill her sense of worthiness, which is why she displays behaviors of manipulation (and it clearly work in her favor up to a certain point) yet uses the fact she’s been cheated on repeatedly as a crutch for why she’s single and unmarried.

But in the case of this being a reality TV show, Kacie was consumed with maintaining her upstanding reputation as being the women who is always cheated on her versus being the woman who rejected a guy (who she somehow got fairly sexual with in the pods) over his looks upon first sight. Contradictive, and it’s not a good look on her part, at all, especially with all the excessive affection in the process. But if she was just honest up front rather than doing everything in her power to avoid rejection, and winding up abusing the situation 100x worse, there wouldn’t have been a problem. People end it with people over chemistry all the time. In this case, though, it seemed nothing short of a victim power move – she wanted to be portrayed as the victim (on TV) without seeming shallow, all the while still knowing she could make men fall for her (and be infatuated over her).

[End rant].

You may think I’m kidding, but unfortunately there comes a point where a lack of or refusal of responsibility and accountability can challenge and even dictate your love life, and a readily committed man simply won’t tolerate certain behaviors as a result of your past hurt (and unhealthy relationships).

Stop comparing him to your EX, or other relationships

This alone can poison any relationship, including potential ones in the making. Avoid bringing up things your EX did better, or all the cutsy, romantic things your best friend’s boyfriend does for her in their relationship.

Guys get it – when you point out stuff like that, it’s because you have expectations, needs, desires, wants and wishes. They can also already guess you’ve been burned by your previous relationships – there’s no need to test whether or not he is honest and faithful, or continually express your worry that he will turn out like the last one.

And just because you aren’t voicing your frustrations out loud, when you consume your thoughts around other people’s relationships, or have yet to fully let go of the pain someone else caused, it will eventually come through in your mannerisms and attitude.

Besides, how does comparing relationships give him any shot at making you happy?

Don’t give up your entire being for him

You’ve won him – but that doesn’t mean your entire normal routine has to completely change. A real man will be immediately turned off to know a girl is willingly and actively giving up her entire life for him (this is also a catalyst for becoming “needy”, or “clingy”). I’m talking about the girl who opens up her entire schedule in order to suit his – forgetting all aspects of her own life in the process.

Every once in a while he will be flattered that you took off a half day from work to spend the afternoon together, or cancelled a plan in order to see one another for the first time in weeks, but making it habit screams “desperate“. These are dating habits that will inevitably kill your love life – read more on how to eliminate them. Any readily committed man prefers you to also have your own life – not drop every moment of it on the dime.

You also don’t need to spend every waking minute together, or be in constant contact, either. There’s a reason you both have separate lives, and it’s important to remember that distance makes the heart grow fonder.  If you’re together or in contact all.the.time, eventually you’ll end up with nothing to talk about. At that point, what else is left in the relationship besides the physical? And everyone and their mother should know that’s the worst thing a committed relationship should solely depend on.

So give a little distance; try going the extra mile by not texting throughout the day, or every day, and watch the romance spark the next time you’re together. Space in a relationship DOES NOT mean “We’re disconnected if we’re not in contact all the time”, or “If he isn’t contacting me all day, every day, he could be tempted to contact someone else”. A mature man doesn’t believe in that concept, and respects the fact that there are boundaries and other priorities in our lives within a healthy, genuine relationship.

You have too high of expectations too soon

I don’t mean the expectation that he should have a job, a car to get from A to B, a place of his own, or being emotionally stable (like, he’s 1000% over his last relationship).  Those are all great standards to have in dating (read more on the difference between having high standards and being high maintenance in your relationships), but far too many women have a timeline expectation that is dished far too early in the game.

I’m talking about the timeline of milestones – like the engagement, marriage, and starting a family. When these go beyond the title of aspiration and into full throttle expectations too soon, or when it is blatantly not mutual, it can be daunting to any readily committed man.

Granted, you’re hitting 30 – you’re convinced that your biological clock is ticking or sputtering signs of menopause – and you feel absurdly behind. In no way, shape or form does that mean any and every man is ready to adhere to your lifelong demands on your time.

The fact that you feel you need a rock on your finger, to be fitted in your wedding gown and have a bun in the oven like yesterday should never be placed on the shoulders of someone else to fulfill.

Remember the term, “Love is patient.”

Love and partnership is itself its own aspiration, and should never be used as a quick gateway to fulfilling other aspirations. But if you’re wanting a meaningful relationship based on knowing, respecting and understanding each other, and building that forever kind of love – release this mindset of expectations to have immediately!