8 Relationship deal breakers for women looking for a man who will commit

This one’s for the ladies who are looking for a readily committed man. Let’s talk deal breakers – his deal breakers.

I get it – as a woman who was once looking for commitment, I had some fairly strict deal breakers myself. Sure, yours are certainly important, yet it’s critical to have a grasp on both sides of the fence. He has deal breakers, you know, and they’re worth considering, too.

I think that was something I often missed. I thought my relationship deal breakers were the only ones that mattered when finding a commitment, but I was wrong. There were times I was totally ready, into it, into him – he checked all the boxes for me – without taking the time to check myself. No, really. I failed to recognize that there’s a person on the other side of potential connection.

For the women looking for a man who will commit, these are *his* deal breakers

Have your stuff together, or at least in some direction

Preferably, the right one. In all seriousness, everyone actually desires a partner with their life *somewhat* together. Does anyone actually want someone they have to coddle through life, who is a complete drab (or drain) or that they have to wait on hand and foot?

It’s not how much money you bring to the table, or the kind of job you have (I say that with contingency), but how much effort and motivation you are putting forth to your own life.

Moreover, can you provide and take care of yourself?

Listen, I’m not one to talk. I never lived on my own, and I didn’t have the greatest job to support me independently when I met my husband. I was finishing up my degree, living with my parents, and working a less-than-qualified paying job to pay for college and there was just not enough money left over to comfortably afford rent at the time. I was certainly in a privileged position to stay with my parents at nearly 24 years old.

But, there’s always a silver lining, I carried over zero debt in my name, and I wasn’t just laying around in waiting with no skills or passion for anything. I had a pretty good hand at being fiscally responsible with the money I was making as well as living within my means (rather than choosing to live paycheck to paycheck). Yet, I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with my life in the grand scheme or things – still don’t 10+ years later!

It’s not about what you’re doing or how much you make, but where you’re going and what’re you doing with what you have. He may not expect you to have a play-by-play for the next 5 or 10 years of your life, but you’ll have some level of aspiration or direction (even if it’s for contentment).

Let the party phase mostly be a thing in the past

Ladies, I know you just want to have fun. But the every weekend thing at your favorite club or bar with your sorority sisters has got to come to a screeching halt. Notice in the title I said “mostly“, so you’re safe to breathe normally.

I’m not saying the occasional party or night out needs to drop dead – we’re all entitled to fun, a stress release and time with our friends. Except a committed man does not want to learn that you still get belligerent drunk at college parties or post up at the club with your girlfriends every weekend or multiple nights a week on a school night (aka, with work in the morning).

Trust me, guys will say it, too. “She goes out partying too much,” came straight from the horse’s mouth of my husband’s roommate at the time. It was the straw that broke that camel’s back, regardless of how well liked she was otherwise.

Sure, if you happen to find that person who likes to have a good time as much as you in that way, then cool beans. But maybe it’s just me… when you’re truly ready to commit on another level, your life priorities will naturally shift, and your focus will be less on spending your nights out.

No drama

Said no woman, ever. Right? Now, listen, I’m talking about Level 10, chronic chaos. We ought to know what that is compared to the petty stuff we deal with on and off with our girlfriends or family members.

Life is inevitably a drama, but when taken to a pathological extreme it can really put a guy off. And rightfully so. A readily committed man doesn’t have the time or energy to waste fighting the battles you seem to easily pick or can’t stop provoking.

You better be rid of any cling-ons

I’m talking ex-relations or potential prospects. No man wants to commit to a woman still clinging onto an ex, let alone if you’re giving him the time of day as so-called friends when that’s clearly not the case.

And if you’re still talking to or on and off with someone, you need to make one of two choices: finish what obviously isn’t over or completely put an end to it. The guy who is looking for a committed relationship doesn’t want to find out you still have three side hustles in your back pocket.

If you’re truly ready for a committed relationship, it’s about choosing one person to give your time and attention to, getting to know them fully and doing so without keeping your options open for something better to come along.

Get your act right

What’s your rap sheet like? If you’ve been in trouble with the law (and I mean more than a parking ticket – unless you’ve got a log of unpaid violations), been fired multiple times (say, because of your short fuse in the workplace), or have a bad reputation as far as your past relationships (maybe you’ve been deceitful and unfaithful in the past), its time you start reevaluating your behavior, ethics and life choices.

It’s not a positive note to know you’ve done jail time for a D.U.I, have been fired from three jobs due to aggression with your boss or co-workers or have an extensive list of short-term failed relationships. Those are all red flags, especially for a mature, committed man.

You may think I’m kidding, but unfortunately there comes a point where a lack of responsibility and accountability can challenge and even dictate your love life.

Stop comparing him to your EX, or other relationships

This alone can poison any relationship, including potential ones in the making. Avoid bringing up things your EX did better, or all the cutsy, romantic things your best friend’s boyfriend does for her in their relationship.

Guys get it – when you point out stuff like that, it’s because you have expectations, needs, desires, wants and wishes. They can also already guess you’ve been burned by your previous relationships – there’s no need to test whether or not he is honest and faithful, or continually express your worry that he will turn out like the last one.

And just because you aren’t voicing your frustrations out loud, when you consume your thoughts around other people’s relationships, or have yet to fully let go of the pain someone else caused, it will eventually come through in your mannerisms and attitude.

Besides, how does comparing relationships give him any shot at making you happy?

Don’t give up your entire being for him

You’ve won him – but that doesn’t mean your entire normal routine has to completely change. A real man will be immediately turned off to know a girl is willingly and actively giving up her entire life for him (this is also a catalyst for becoming “needy”, or “clingy”). I’m talking about the girl who opens up her entire schedule in order to suit his – forgetting all aspects of her own life in the process.

Every once in a while he will be flattered that you took off a half day from work to spend the afternoon together, or cancelled a plan in order to see one another for the first time in weeks, but making it habit screams “desperate“. These are dating habits that will inevitably kill your love life – read more on how to eliminate them. Any readily committed man prefers you to also have your own life – not drop every moment of it on the dime.

You also don’t need to spend every waking minute together, or be in constant contact, either. There’s a reason you both have separate lives, and it’s important to remember that distance makes the heart grow fonder.  If you’re together or in contact all.the.time, eventually you’ll end up with nothing to talk about. At that point, what else is left in the relationship besides the physical? And everyone and their mother should know that’s the worst thing a committed relationship should solely depend on.

So give a little distance; try going the extra mile by not texting throughout the day, or every day, and watch the romance spark the next time you’re together. Space in a relationship DOES NOT mean “We’re disconnected if we’re not in contact all the time”, or “If he isn’t contacting me all day, every day, he could be tempted to contact someone else”. A mature man doesn’t believe in that concept, and respects the fact that there are boundaries and other priorities in our lives within a healthy, genuine relationship.

You have too high of expectations too soon

I don’t mean the expectation that he should have a job, a car to get from A to B, a place of his own, or being emotionally stable (like, he’s 1000% over his last relationship).  Those are all great standards to have in dating (read more on the difference between having high standards and being high maintenance in your relationships), but far too many women have a timeline expectation that is dished far too early in the game.

I’m talking about the timeline of milestones – like the engagement, marriage, and starting a family. When these go beyond the title of aspiration and into full throttle expectations too soon, or when it is blatantly not mutual, it can be daunting to any readily committed man.

Granted, you’re hitting 30 – you’re convinced that your biological clock is ticking or sputtering signs of menopause – and you feel absurdly behind. In no way, shape or form does that mean any and every man is ready to adhere to your lifelong demands on your time.

The fact that you feel you need a rock on your finger, to be fitted in your wedding gown and have a bun in the oven like yesterday should never be placed on the shoulders of someone else to fulfill.

Remember the term, “Love is patient.”

Love and partnership is itself its own aspiration, and should never be used as a quick gateway to fulfilling other aspirations. But if you’re wanting a meaningful relationship based on knowing, respecting and understanding each other, and building that forever kind of love – release this mindset of expectations to have immediately!