I’m sure we’re all guilty of bad dating habits, but there are those who find desperate dating behavior hard to shake. What most don’t realize is that these behaviors are what make or break your chances for a meaningful relationship.
The first step to eliminating desperate dating behavior is knowing your worth – which will drastically improve the quality of your relationships. You can understand what I’m talking about in a post I wrote about, Why Women With Self Worth Have More Successful Relationships.
But what exactly are these dating behaviors I speak of? Well, coming from someone who is guilty of at least one of these, these fairly common habits are widely defined as the behavior of those who have become desperate for a relationship. And it’s important that we stop letting desperate dating behavior take over our love lives and chances at finding love.
Desperate Dating Behavior You Need To Eliminate From Your Life
Rushing into milestones (or forcing them to happen)
We all should know what milestones are – sleeping over one another’s place, staying at one another’s place for long periods, meeting the parents, moving in together, etc. There’s a right time and place for these milestones. Now I’m not saying there’s any wrong if you’re 6 months into dating and you suggest he meet your parents at a family gathering. But honestly, there’s no reason for that to happen within the first week – or forcing it to happen with someone who barely makes an effort in the relationship as it is.
Even if you’re not anticipating these milestones – this also includes not talking about them, either. If you’re sparking up conversation about when you’d like to be engaged, married or giving birth to your first child – that’s equally unnecessary.
Go with the flow of the relationship, and these milestones should have natural progression.
Making reference to your sexual past
Granted, it might be quite common to have discussions about sexual experience, or motives. But that is all depending on the type of relationship that is being formed, and the people in it.
But bringing up past sexual encounters or experience at the dinner table – when you know the person you’re with has not made one sexual comment or innuendo since you met – may not get you the brownie points you’re hoping for. And definitely not from a guy looking for a genuine relationship that isn’t based solely on sex.
Sure, every man loves sex – given the opportunity, they’d likely accept – but in terms of someone looking for a relationship, they’re not going to be vamped up to hear about what you can do in the bedroom – or whom you’ve done it with.
Keeping tabs (and blatantly informing him about it)
I know I’ve said this in previous posts before – 3 strikes and you’re out. I’m all for it. I say so here in my post about Why Women With Self Worth Have More Successful Relationships. What I don’t mean is if he is on Strike #2 – for not calling you since he said he would – and openly telling him he’s got one strike left.
And not just about the bad – good things, too. Don’t let him in on how many nights you’ve waited for his call, how many times he’s been in your dreams since you met, or how long you like to wait in between seeing each other again.
Don’t openly let him in on any tabs, numbers, counts or strikes you keep.
Keep that to yourself!
Constantly needing validation or reassurance
How many times will it take for you to grasp that you are beautiful – inside and out? That you are worthy and he is so incredibly smitten to be with you?
I understand the sweet talk. Without it, you’re cutting half of the ways in expressing how you feel for someone. But asking for it, over and over and over, goes beyond what is necessary before it becomes sounding like you are insecure. And remember: insecurity inevitably means you are self conscious, distrustful, and lacking of self worth. And bearing those qualities can be blatantly clear in someone else’s eyes.
Granted, we all probably do it every now and then – don’t beat yourself up if you ask randomly, “Do I look good in this dress?”– but constantly doubting your physical appearance, or where he is in the relationship, is too far. You should know the difference between someone who gives you absolutely no words of affirmation, versus someone who will, and what to do about it.
Being possessive of his time or schedule
I see you. I see you out there – texting him merely all morning and into the afternoon (when you know he’s working), just to turn around and ask him not even 30 minutes later, “What are you up to now?”
Or to the person who asks him what he is doing the rest of his week, what his day-to-day work schedule is, or tying up loose ends on his days off in order for you to see him, all the while you are together at that very moment.
Talk it up all you want – “I’m showing interest in his life”, or “It’s conversation – I’m not asking him to give up anything” – you know what you are doing. And in fact – you are asking without actually asking, or rather you are guilt-tripping him into letting you in on his personal life. He may begin to feel smothered – it wouldn’t be much surprise if he was to pull away.
I may be the one overreacting here, but who’s overreacting when he coughs up his “plans“, and none of them currently involve you.
There’s a better way of going about it if you’re looking to squeeze yourself into his schedule.
Don’t stick your nose where you don’t want to smell it – is all I am saying – because it will turn around and snip back at you. Focus on your own schedule, your own life – if he is worthy of your time, and you worthy of his, he will make sure you are in it.
Way too open or willingly available for his time
Same goes the other way around. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with a little measly conversation regarding each other’s endeavors for the upcoming weekend. All in moderation – moderation, moderation, moderation!
But if you already had that boy-band concert planned with the girls on Saturday night, and he happens to ask you to dinner that afternoon – don’t cancel with the girls to appease him last minute.
And with that – don’t cave that your week, or next month, is current wide open like the sea (even if you’re plan is to lounge around in your pajamas after work every single night). Please, don’t. Let him believe you have a life, at least.
Someone with true intentions of a relationship will respect that you have one, and that you commit to time for yourself, friends, family or even your dog. Hell, I remember turning down dates because I had planned to take my precious baby to the dog park! No way was I giving that up for a last minute date.
Consistently needing to be in contact
Now, I only learned this the hard way throughout my relationships in high school and early college. Doing this left my life in a chaotic mess. Yet it took me years, and many failing relationships, to finally learn my lesson.
Not only did this terrible habit ruin some of my family and friend relationships, it caused me to hate and nearly lose my job more than once, and I was in this constant state of co-dependency. Which, for the record, is never a good thing.
I couldn’t survive a couple hours without knowing what he was doing, where he was going or who he was with. And this was before matters of distrust and sour arguments settled in – believe it or not. We created such a destructible habit onto ourselves, it was like digging a hole we couldn’t get out of.
And when we fought – we fought for days, or weeks. And rather than those arguments being resolved, we compiled them with more and more that came with being in constant contact. And arguments that turned from important matters into reasons why it took 10 minutes to respond or call back.
We grew so dependent on each other emotionally (when we didn’t even live together) to a point where if one of us fell silent – we automatically assumed something was wrong with the relationship.
So, take that story into consideration the next time you notice you’re call or text log is to capacity or full. And even though I refused to believe it then – absence does make the heart grow fonder. And I believe that even more now that I am happily married. Having and keeping that time apart within your relationship is not time wasted, it’s a necessity. Even if it’s the duration of a work day.
Asking too many unnecessary (and creepy) questions
This goes hand in hand with being in consistent contact or being overly possessive. While maybe you do neither, sometimes unnecessary questions or statements can do just as much harm.
Say, he’s out with the guys – you know this because it was why he couldn’t see you this night. Yet you are still somehow provoked into thinking he’s completely forgotten about your existence, and you decide to text him, “Do you miss me?”
Or he’s at work, yet you’re compelled to believing that he isn’t just working – “What else are you up to?”
Okay – again, all in moderation, ladies. I get it – he’s out with the guys, and you miss him. You miss spending this time together. There’s a better way to go about it, like, “I hope you’re having fun with the guys. Just letting you know you’re on my mind!” And remember what I explained above about time apart and space!
But early on in dating, do we really need to exude a side of ourselves that may be perceived as a turn off from the other side of the picture?
Initiating to explain how your past relationships ended
Every relationship has this talk, to some extent, if at all in some cases. And that’s fine, either way.
But the likelihood that he willingly wants to delve into ‘how your last boyfriend stole money from you to buy condoms in order to have sex with your female co-worker, that he was crushing on since the last Christmas party you attended together’ – not a chance in hell.
Let the topic of “EX’s” be something that treads naturally, and equal in knowing or questioning. Because when has a woman ever been googly-eyed over a guy who just whipped out an EX scenario from intimate conversation?
Saying things that you think will have him wrapped around your finger
I don’t want to say that now that I am married I’m entitled to using and abusing every line in the book, but I think the difference is that my husband and I have always said pretty weird, raunchy, childish catch-phrases to each other. And we somehow tolerate it together.
But when you’re new in the game of dating, there’s no rhyme or reason to be joshing with the, “Don’t ever leave me…”, “I’ve finally found you…”, “You’re everything I’ll ever need…”, “I’d do anything for you…”, “Ugh, can we just run away and get married now?”, “How are you just SO perfect?” and so on.
I know we mean for it all to sound cute, and honestly meaningful to how we feel – like in the fairy-tales – but save that for when the I Love You’s or the vows are exchanged.
Think of it in two ways: you’ll either be prematurely labeled as clingy in his eyes, or they’re going to go with it knowing they can manipulate you. Neither of those ways benefit you at all.
Engaging in sex…way…too…soon
I know many would fight me on it, as we are all entitled to our opinion. But engaging in any intimacy too soon has just never worked for me, and for many. Defining “too soon” – well, that’s really up to each individual, honestly.
It may not mean that he simply dogs you after the first sexual encounter, but a few weeks or a month in you may begin to notice the subtle change in pace as he grows different, distant and detached.
So, if it’s your thing to engage intimately early on – watch out for those 3 D’s.
You encounter feelings of doubt, worry or nervousness without reason
The moment you begin to wonder if those female friends of his are a threat, that time he answered on four rings instead of three, made you nervous on where you stand in his life when he said his mom is the number one lady in his life, or had to rain check your date due to his “excuse” that he was called into work. There are certain things that will make you doubt, and then there are going to be things you think you have to worry.
The real things versus the impostors have a clear difference: one definitely won’t be reassuring you of his devotion and effort in you. The important thing is not letting the impostors take over your feelings, since most of it is just fear of possibly losing the relationship.