Dear Stranger,
After many years, my mind is often stricken with, “Why?“
For everything.
Why did you come into my life, knowing it would come to this? Why did we become so close, if we knew our friendship wasn’t going to be worth it? Why did I open myself to you, just to be shunned away when I needed you most? Why did I believe our friendship would build years and years of memories to come when you obviously didn’t feel the same? Why did our changes have to change ‘us’? Why can’t we just hold onto what was good and not let our differences define what connected us in the first place? Why does it feel like you could suddenly care less about me, after years of being labeled your ‘best friend‘?
Why can’t I just move on, and forget you?
28 years it takes me to realize just this: I can’t be both legs of support in this friendship. And I can’t expect you to extend a leg you obviously don’t have.
Yes, people in life come and go – for a reason and maybe only a season. I get that. That is called…Life. We now have our own busy, chaotic lives, other friends, and higher-tiered priorities – I understand, fully. Did I back then? No, because those were the times with so little responsibility and there was more focus on growing. I was taking strides to [hopefully] sustain our friendship for the years ahead when I failed at focusing on the current issues at hand. This was selfish.
But I understand that now – I was in the wrong mindset. I see that now, as my efforts have completely backfired into lessons I will carry with me ongoing. I now understand that if we were meant to be friends – then, now, and ongoing – we simply would be.
We would be better than to hold conflict above one another’s heads or keep tabs on the countless times we canceled plans or forgot one another’s birthday. We wouldn’t react with pettiness when one of us bails on girl’s night for our relationship, leave texts on Read for days and voicemails unanswered until we found the emotional space and time to respond. And we sure as hell wouldn’t allow other friendships to come in between or interfere with our own.
Now in my adult life, I can’t help but believe the only reason for our now estranged friendship is simply allowing it to become estranged.
I needed to know you still cared, even if weeks had gone by without seeing or speaking to each other. I needed you to be there for me during the worst of times, even if I had emotionally retract. I needed you to simply listen to me, whether you agreed or not, and make yourself available to doing so. I needed you to be the one with the answers sometimes, or just knowing what to do or how to handle situations when one of us couldn’t – not shove everything under a rug where you think it belongs. I needed you to help me, guide me, show me the light, tell me like it is, empathize with me, and just try to understand who I am, not who you thought I was. I needed you to take one for the team, and go the extra mile sometimes without holding it against me (surely that’s something to understand by now).
But, luckily, because of you I learned the value behind true friendship. That friendship is a choice – encompassed by mutual effort, understanding, communication, empathy and forgiveness. Where time apart and life changes are no dictator.
Are there times I wish I was able to let go of my pride, just to contact you and know how you were doing, or to get together after the time lost? Yes.
Are there times where I wish you could simply do the same? Yes.
All I know is that if I were to hear from you, right here, right now – I’d respond to you, immediately. And I still know at least one thing is true in the memory of us – I still care about you.
Sincerely,
Someone you used to know
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