Red flags should not be ignored on a first date.
This may get me in trouble, I don’t care, but I’m not into “following my heart”. The heart is deceptive, delusional, depraved and often fleeting. Following my heart has often led me to chaos and destruction. Following my heart made me blind to dating red flags I didn’t see coming or that I was already aware of. But the heart wants what it wants, we say, right?
[Related Read: I refused to date someone I met at a bar (Why I cut the bar scene out of dating)]
Many are out there doing exactly what I did – trucking along the path of ignorance (or curiosity, temptation, and chaos), thinking to themselves, “Nah, it’s nothing,” or “But he’s so [handsome, charming, funny, etc.],” and are downplaying low-key Ted Bundy vibes.
When it comes to first date red flags, there should be no shame in waving that white flag and peacing out. This means it’s time to put a stop to sweeping dating red flags under the rug and to put the broom back in the closet where it belongs.
5 Signs he’s a walking red flag (first date edition)
His phone is the third-wheel
I get it (but not really) – the Gram is the mothership of worldly connection and self-image these days; it is the epicenter of our social standing and community. Our phones have literally become our social umbilical cord, and we’ve got to admit that it is something we idolize beyond recognition, which is destructive.
You really can do without that first date selfie or picture of your food. Your posse can even wait to hear how your date is going until after.
And this same standard applies for him. We need to stop making excuses for why our phones must sit, front and center at all times, or for having knee-jerk reactions to check or use our devices. Moreover, we should be able to have that thing on silent for the duration of the date – c’mon, people!
Therefore, IMO, you can really tell a lot about a person by the “relationship” they have with their phone. 21st century, technological advancement BS aside – if someone can’t detach and disconnect from their phone for a few measly hours to connect face-to-face, that’s only a precursor to other real problems.
Who really wants to feel like they’re third wheel to a cellphone (that gets more attention and consideration) on a first date, anyway? That’s right, no one.
A piss-poor attitude; how he treats you, himself + others
I know we can all agree that as human beings we all have bad or off days, we don’t always have it together, and are not pathologically chipper 24/7. Still, a bad attitude on the first date is jarring, especially when it comes off as blatant disrespect.
We’re also “encouraged” to being our authentic, unapologetic selves. But where is that fine line between authenticity, awareness and self-responsibility? If he can’t communicate his feelings or regulate his emotions (frustration, anger, annoyance, etc.) and instead acts on them or projects them – that’s the only level of fortune telling I believe in, my friend.
If we’re advised to “leave our personal issues at the door” when we come to work, why do we think this shouldn’t apply on a first date?
A bad attitude and disrespect on a first date should hit different. At that point, is he even aware of himself and how he’s coming off to those around him? Does he really think he’s making a good impression? Does he even care? What compels him to believe he’s providing a sense of safety and security by bringing his date into his field of negativity and animosity?
I’m just saaaying, this is why first impressions are first impressions, because they matter. We shouldn’t let disrespect and discourtesy slide in the name of unconditional forgiveness and acceptance. We’re called to hold ourselves and others accountable in Love, even on a first date.
Premature neediness, affection + adoration
When you’re hitting it off, like real deep, it may be cute to jokingly talk about growing old together or the gorgeous babies you’d make. Sometimes these conversations, as some like to put it, “are not that deep” – though I beg to differ.
Tread lightly, because you have yet to scrape the surface of this person and vice versa. Avoid jumping into, let alone grazing the deep end, even if you’re somehow convinced “he’s it” or can’t help but to melt into his instant obsession over you.
This is why I believe the heart is deceptive and delusional at its core. Love-bombing is designed to be both enthralling and deceiving – it can seem and feel real and normal but unhealthy by nature.
Someone who comes on too strong too soon can be a pretty good indicator of their relationship patterns (and in life); this can mean they tend to rush into relationships too quickly, base relationships on surface-level feelings and instant chemistry, therefore having unrealistic expectations of what Love is.
I’m sure you’re sick of hearing but a real, genuine connection is a slow burn, not a forest fire.
Abusive behavior – *the low-key signs
Let’s unpack infatuation and Love-Bombing a bit more. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your date showing signs that they like you – let’s get that out of the way. But if they’re putting out all the stops, and I mean everything they got, or they’re willingly and frantically putting all of their eggs into one basket, this is your cue to put on the breaks.
Why? For starters, this kind of behavior is not as genuine as you think. That level of attention is coming from all the wrong places, so not for the right reasons. Am I saying hyper-performance, excessive adoration and attention could be a backdoor contender for abuse, or is potential foreshadowing?
*Crickets* …. *Crickets*
I’m no psychologist, but I will say the few guys I encountered who exhibited those things, in time exposed verbally and emotionally unhealthy patterns of behavior in the end. Coincidence?
Likewise, any form of abusive behavior is unacceptable behavior. Whether it’s verbal, physical, psychological [mental], emotional and even financial abuse. And things like manipulation, possessiveness, jealousy and controlling behaviors are many abusive tendencies on the blurred lined spectrum that are oftentimes overlooked.
Meaning, how many people will usually tolerate (and even normalize) those things while denouncing it as abuse and calling it *romance*?
Thanks to books and movies like 50 Shades of Grey and Twilight (yep, I went there), there are many of these “blurred-line”, red flag behaviors that have been romanticized and even glamorized today – like possessiveness disguised as protection, passion and devotion.
On the other end of the spectrum, condescending and patronizing comments and remarks can also go astray when they’re downplayed as innocence or simply misunderstood. “Oh, that’s weird of him to say – I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that.” Quiet or subtle manipulation may be hard to detect when the focus is elsewhere, like his charm and crazy good looks.
There are just some things that should never be said, done or tolerated on a first date – whether a mistake, nerves or not. And a first date is the opportune time to be taking someone at face value.
Crooks actually aren’t very good at covering their tracks, so they rely on distractions, deception and trickery to keep you from noticing.
He’s either too private (secretive) or too accessible
Here’s the thing: boundaries are healthy. Yet boundaries that are too rigid or too loose can be a red flag. So if it’s like pulling teeth (I mean painfully difficult) to get your date to talk, elaborate, open up, initiate or reciprocate the conversation, this should be a clue that he likely has more to hide than what little you’re allowed to know.
Yes, this could very well be #introvertproblems or #hellosocialanxiety. It could also be that you encountered someone with sub-par or ZERO interpersonal, social, and relationship skills whatsoever. We do need to be a bit more mindful of this while admonishing someone who is blatantly staying undercover.
So if you left the first date feeling like you learned diddly squat about them, more so because they were evasive (not the same as being guarded), that is a clear forewarning with flashing red lights.
[Related Read: Boundaries after a breakup – what they are and why you need them]
The same works for the other way around. Someone too eager to dish every minute detail of their life or can’t seem to stop regurgitating their every thought is also a warning signal. We also have to be willing to consider that it says a lot about someone when nothing is considered private.
Transparency is great, don’t get me wrong, but we’re talking about someone who is too accessible. This is someone with little to no self-control or personal boundaries.
They’re literally prepared to give you keys to their apartment and share their bank account number with you. They’ve already cancelled all plans for the next four weeks with the hopes of seeing you and had you meet their mom and grandmother on FaceTime before the date even ended.
While the idea is to get to know someone on a first date, there is also the balance of leaving some things to the imagination or having awareness of time and place. You know, what’s appropriate or beneficial and what’s not, especially when it’s unwarranted.
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