5 Sudden reasons the guy you’re dating ghosted you

There is a huuuuuge misconception floating around when it comes to the true meaning of being ghosted these days. Meaning if it’s been a mere 24 hours without seeing or hearing from him, many are way. too. quick. to throw their hands up and shout, “He’s going ghost!” This may seem *sudden* and unexpected, but it’s not always the real deal. So after you read this post, I highly recommend you dive into this one: Actually, they may NOT be ghosting you.

If he’s been subtly decreasing his efforts over a period of time – he’s canceled more dates than he’s made, only contacts you on his terms, or has implied he doesn’t want anything serious so his actions don’t show he’s really *invested* – ehhhhh, hate to break it to you but that isn’t really ghosting. That is, unfortunately, bread-crumbs of disinterest. Nonetheless, that sh*t hurts, and is traumatizing when left unacknowledged or unrecognized.

BUT, for the sake of this post, let’s say he’s actually ghosting you – like, for real real.

You’re caught completely off guard because he quite literally has dropped from the face of the earth. Maybe he deleted your number or blocked you from his socials – it’s like some Mandela effect, and they no longer exist in your world.

Either way, he has been unreachable and unresponsive for weeks or even months. Maybe even up until that very moment, he told you everything you wanted to hear, says and does all the right things, has shown up consistently and initiates for more, is even readily available to you, and has made you a priority in his life. Maybe he’s stated in passing that you’re his “soulmate” – yeah, it’s happened.

*Seriously, though, if you can nod and agree to all the things I just described above, him ghosting should be the least of your concerns when he’s clearly shown you his true intentions.

Point blank: you’ve been given zero prior reasons or suspicion to doubt or distrust his intentions. Then like a light, he flips a switch – leaving you in the dark and never to be heard from or seen again. All you’re left with is why, and wondering WTF you should do. As a former online dater with enough experience in this so-called ghosting department, I’m about to tell you the brutal yet inexcusable reasons why, and what you can do about it right now.

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5 Sudden reasons the guy you’re dating ghosted you

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He had no intention of pursuing you

Yikes – ouch.

But you know, unfortunately, this happens more often than you think. Two people click, you’re getting to know one another, thinking you’re on the same page, and things seem to be moving along so quickly, yet somewhere certain information is kept hidden.

The truth is he may really, truly like you – this is the part that freaking bites – he was just willingly putting in the 99% before knowingly tapping out. And this is likely when the “relationship” reached the fork in the road of either commitment or the single’s scenic highway. Oftentimes this is where many are prone to premature attachment in the dating process, prior to having established an exclusive commitment or at least mutual emotional investment, which is why this can leave you feeling like the rug just got pulled from underneath you. Mixed signals and false impressions were given, and any red flags may have been glazed over (likely thanks to chemistry or because of our own wounds). Down to its core, for him, the “relationship” had reached its expiration – he just wasn’t honest about it with you along the way.

The fact of the matter is your feelings have progressed off the charts while his have not (even if, to you, it seems that way), and oftentimes this gives people the idea that they can “walk off” without uttering a word or batting an eye simply because you misinterpreted their feelings and intention. That, in no way, makes it right for him to vanish in order to avoid personal shame.

what you should do

Honestly, thank him for proving he isn’t worthy of you [finger snap], and for not wasting any more of your time. Trust me, karma will surely be onto him if he continues to pull that behavior.

Lesson learned: love-bombing is one hell of a toxic bitch. It’s not an insane idea to take things slow, especially when you are swept up in all the butterflies, because while you might be swimming in all the feels you may not willingly take into account whether the connection is actually mutual. You also want to make sure his intentions are crystal clear, matching his words with actions and being quick to fill in any gaps that can quickly turn into potholes.

He just suddenly and apparently is no longer interested

I know what I said above – that if he subtly shows signs of disinterest over a period of time it isn’t technically ghosting. That is still very true, yet unfortunately many are not blatantly aware of these signs until it whacks them straight on the noggin.

I can’t make anyone see all that I can, but girl, you need to stop blaming yourself and have some self-forgiveness for just not knowing better at the time.

There are some things out of your control, and one of those things is his interest in you. You can’t force someone into loving or liking you, and no amount of self-neglect will make them stay, either. One, teeny, tiny, minute needle in the haystack may have been the ticket, and whatever it was he found it and is running with it. We’ve all likely done this at one point or another, whether the reason is justified or not.

So while it’s a positive notion to see the qualities in yourself that are worthy and deserving, you can’t always see disinterest as a reprimand. The last thing you should ever have to do is convince someone to be with you, let alone give them a reason to stay.

You literally can’t push something that doesn’t exist. If he lost all sudden feelings for you – from whatever that may be – his way of avoiding further damage (at least on his end) is by simply avoiding confrontation and cutting ties. That doesn’t make it right, but he doesn’t see the cowardice in protecting his fragile ego.

[Related Read: How to let someone down “nicely” instead of ghosting]

what you should do

You may be the sweetest peach, but not everyone likes peaches. You feel me? You aren’t going to be everybody’s perfect catch, no matter how loyal, funny, witty, and adventurous you are. Let this be a lesson in that this does not mean you should devalue your worth just because one person doesn’t see it, or abuses it. You are still responsible for you – don’t forget that.

So take away this – ghosting you is his way of saying, “I’m a coward by not letting you know that you deserve better.” Allow this to bring you a bit of peace and clarity, because you can’t make a hyena into a lion.

He’s won you, game over

And by “winning“, he could simply have gained your attention. Sad – literally.

I had guys online get their rocks off just by me simply R E S P O N D I N G to them. How do I know this? Because months later they would reach out again and have completely ignored my last response. Therefore, some literally have the satisfaction of knowing they can be your distraction, because to them it means, “they need me – they can’t deny me – they can’t escape me – they’re desperate to have me.” It becomes a game.

And some are here for it. They know exactly what they have to say or do to make you swoon, cave, or dive straight into the deep end, and they don’t care if you’re not the greatest swimmer as they refuse to throw you a life-saving flotation device. He now has you responding back within minutes, canceling or opening your schedule on a dime’s notice, and making him numero uno on your priorities list.

This type of guy can be the in and out ghoster. He comes in waves – the guy that will leave you completely hanging then come swooping back in months or years later like his sh*t don’t stank. This is technically considered “bread-crumbing”, if you were to consider the true definition of ghosting as having never heard from or seen again (like, period). Instead this is the game of catch and release – he enjoys the fight (catching you or reeling you in), yet once he gets his ego stroked enough he will toss you back into the open sea in an attempt to do it all over again.

Who really has time for those games? [Laughing] Well, actually, a player does.

what you should do

For starters, you need to realize that this behavior never changes, no matter what you try to change. So when you’re giving him chance after chance – convinced things will be different the next time around – just know that you’re essentially a one-legged fool in an ass-kicking contest. You’re screwing yourself over while also setting yourself up for disappointment.

This is someone who is conditioned and, frankly, being enabled to treat women this way…and getting away with it. And if you really want to regain your footing, for lack of better words, dump his a** and break off the hook for good before he can snag you.

He’s simply scum of this earth

As stubborn scum is, they are inevitably tough to get rid of.

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And he knows it, too. He doesn’t care. Let’s just say someone really hurt him, whether that be mommy or daddy issues, childhood upbringing or abuse, generational or societal conditioning – you name it. That doesn’t mean I condone his behavior simply because he is asleep to his own internal pain, but try to think of really sh*tty people you meet in life like this:

They think their behavior is acceptable because it reflects how they truly feel about themselves.

And when you really let that sink in, like when you’re actually “WOKE”, you’ll even begin to feel sorry for them. But it’s as they say – you can’t save people who don’t want to be saved or won’t even save themselves. So don’t confuse his sh*tty behavior as a cry for help, or the bad boy facade. He chooses to behave this way because he feels the repercussions are what he deserves.

what you should do

Pray for him – deeply.

Then let him go… and never look back.

OR, by the very slim chance… he’s actually not ghosting you at all

And by a slim chance. I explain that one more in-depth in this post. But here are some fairly generalized things that are actually occurring when you believe he might go ghost or is currently ghosting you.

• He genuinely might be busy, and feels it’s appropriate to reach out when he is not caught up in work. This is mainly a miscommunication or boundary for space issue.
• He has a life, with priorities outside of dating. He goes out with friends on Friday evenings, goes to brunch with his mom on Sundays, and has meetings after work during the week. And yes, in that time, you may not even hear from him – you may have a right to be “informed” or reaffirmed of his interest, but he may also feel that you do not need a play-by-play of his life, nor should he be your dating lifeline. You might consider your definition of dating, or dating terms, differ from his and that people move faster or slower in this process. Just because he isn’t sacrificing certain aspects of his life for you when you’re not exclusive or committed doesn’t automatically mean they’re plan is to leave you high and dry.
• He is an established being. Maybe he only has time for plans on weekends (that’s why he may not make plans with you on a random weekday, or more than once a week). This is not something to get your panties in a knot about. Dating is non-committal without entitlement to special access to others – that’s why dating exists. If it’s the frequency of his effort that concerns you, bring that up to his attention.
• He wants to anticipate the next time he talks to you and sees you – meaning, time in between conversations might be stretched (a day, a few days or until the weekend comes around). That’s actually considered healthy – believe it or not. Life coaches and psychologists alike will tell you that it is healthy to disconnect from technology and social media on the reg, so that also applies to your love life. When you allow yourselves time apart to actually miss each other, you’ll find that you argue less and focus more on a positive connection. I’m not saying you are to blatantly ignore each other, but the whole freaking out because you go hours in between text responses is over-reach.
• If you’re expecting the random, “I miss you” or “Can’t wait to see you” in between times together, then this need for affirmation needs to be clearly expressed (again, people are not the same, nor are they mind-readers), OR you need to make the call in realizing that his dating criteria simply doesn’t match yours.