How to let them down easy instead of ghosting

Or, rather…gently and sincerely. Regardless, severing the cord and letting someone down with the uncomfortable “truth” won’t always be [is rarely] a cakewalk. TBH, if you’re not prepared to face turning someone down or possibly “hurt their feelings”, seriously, don’t date. It really is that simple. And the lesson here is how to let them down easy instead of ghosting.

Relationships shouldn’t be [are not supposed to be] like walking the tight rope. Avoiding or running away from what makes us uncomfortable only reinforces that very dynamic, which is our surfacing problem today. We’re just too prideful, shameful and afraid to face discomfort, let alone tough it out and have those *uncomfortable* conversations with people.

And yet, rejection (or being the reject-er) was never meant to be something taken so…personally. If we’re the ones doing the rejecting…why are we having such a difficult time?! If it’s because we can related to being rejected, are we in denial of rejection being a part of life? Are we taking rejection, again, too personally to the point of constantly viewing life as always happening to us? How will we ever cope?

Hm, maybe we’ve found a way. Instead of handling the brutality of certain, uncomfortable circumstances in life we have found an “easier” [more self-serving] way. Easier, as in, easier on ourselves. Could ghosting be the result of this? *ding ding*

Now ask yourself, are you really afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or are you afraid of how they’ll think and say of you? When our own image supersedes integrity is where the root source of the problem begins. We don’t take too well to [knowingly] being labeled, in any degree, as “the heartbreaker” or one to bring pain, hurt or suffering to another. So instead of being forthright, we run in the opposite direction as to “protect” or hopefully preserve our image. Even if that’s falsely. PSA: sugar-coated rejection (by way of ghosting and other behaviors alike) don’t paint a pretty picture of your “image”, either. So why do we fail to understand that?

I can only gather that is just…easier [gentler], but mostly on ourselves…not the other person involved. The wider path is also more…convenient; again, for ourselves.

*Yes, in certain cases this is the more logical and obvious approach, but here we are not talking about that.

Breaking it off with someone (clearly, sincerely and honestly) doesn’t suddenly make you a bad, “hurtful” person. Doing what’s right doesn’t mean doing what’s easy [on you]. So instead of toying with someone’s heartstrings through “pretty” words, hoping they eventually “get the hint”, or completely going “ghost” in order to avoid facing the emotional [consequential] aftermath, here are several ways you can let them down authentically and genuinely “easy”.

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How to let them down easy instead of ghosting

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Focus more on respect than self-preservation

This is harder than it seems, though on the surface this probably appears as common sense. But what do I mean by self-preservation in this situation, exactly? Anything that’s sole purpose is to make YOU feel better about you. We all do this in so many aspects of life because we can’t stand being exposed in the discomfort of our human-ness. We must be perceived as good at all times, when the simple fact is we won’t. And like I said, just because you break it off with someone that doesn’t now make you wrong or bad.

But when the situation is [literally] not in the other person’s favor…the last thing you should be doing is making it all about preserving your dignity, your “image”, and your peace. You shouldn’t need to, because doing what’s right won’t change that.

More or less there’s this need and desire to try and control the other person and their feelings/emotions. You’re simply wanting them to take rejection *well*. But we can’t force anyone to feel what we want them to feel, and deep down I think we know this. So the next best thing is to focus on protecting ourselves and our image when it is far more important to focus on respect. Particularly, what does this person rightfully deserve, regardless of how it makes me look or feel?

Oftentimes we will say, “I didn’t intend to hurt you, you know that – I’m a good person and I’d never want to hurt you,” as a way to imply that the other person *shouldn’t* be hurt by what you say or do (because it’s not what you intend to cause them). We need to focus less on how to avoid making others feel hurt or angry because that’s an impossible weight to carry in life. Instead we need to learn to respect that the other person has feelings of their own, regardless. Respect that someone deserves the same right to their feelings as you do. Respect that they are allowed to be angry, upset, sad, confused, or withdrawn (even if none of which is what you intended or hoped). Respect that others react to their emotions, feelings, and pain differently than you, that you can’t control how they feel nor are you responsible for how they react to them. You can let someone down respectfully without having to instill this image of “goodness”.

Make it fair, make it “honorable”

I mean, seriously, would you really want someone to break it off with you over a quick, random text? Or DM out of the blue? By voicemail (without the decency of getting a word in)? How about just not responding to you at all and disappearing from reality as you know it? Breaking off a two-year relationship by Facebook messenger, out of the blue, in my late teens is (to this day) one of my biggest breakup or relationship-end regrets. I did him dirty simply because I was ashamed that I had moved on.

Depending on how many dates you went on or how long you’ve been seeing each other…I’m going to assume not. If you went through the “trouble” of getting to know the person on a fairly deep and intimate level, at least give them the honorable “death” they deserve – in-person.

And if not in-person, then at least over the phone, by voice, not text.

Don’t confuse ambiguity with “niceness”

“Niceness” doesn’t mean telling someone all the things they don’t necessarily need or want to hear, let alone what isn’t all true or in their favor. The word “nice” is a grimy word for sugar-coating how you really feel – it’s really not that genuine. Being kind should always be the focus because if you get carried away being “nice”, as in order to avoid the person from experiencing discomfort, you’re likely to compromise clarity, which can lead to mixed messages and false hope.

“I still care about you/love you – we can still be friends/I really want to stay friends.” [you’re leaving the door cracked open, plain and simple].

“This is so hard for me – you have no idea..” [this gives the person an opportunity/attempt to change your mind or instills that there’s “hope” in that you’ll have a change of heart].

[Being direct about how you feel about them], and then saying, “…but maybe down the road/who knows what the future holds.” [when you know you don’t see a future with them].

“I need someone who understands/is more accommodating to my crazy work schedule..” or “I’m looking for someone who [i.e., values similar religious beliefs as I do]…” [ just not with them]; you’re leaving the opportunity open for them to turn around and change/agree according to your terms.

Being “nice” is not to make you look innocent. It also isn’t meant to make the other person out to be “perfect” or “ideal”, because then why are you breaking up with them? “Niceness” also doesn’t mean staying in touch (making attempts or advances to reconcile a “friendship”), avoiding clarity/”truth” on what it is you actually want and don’t want (in order to not “hurting” their feelings), or building a person up by pronouncing their ‘positive, meaningful, attractive qualities’, like, “You’re such a great guy – someone will be incredibly lucky to have you…[*just not me*]“.

All I’m saying is be careful with how you go about being “nice” because when you’re ending it with someone it rarely appears that way.

Being “honest” doesn’t mean being “heartless”

Breakups often make us cower because inevitably nothing “good” comes of it (unless the feeling happens to be mutual), whether on the receiving end or being the one to put an end to it. There’s also the inevitable, dreaded and consequential negative emotions and reactions surrounding it. Turning someone down or breaking it off with them is difficult because we want to avoid the negatives at all cost.

Ultimately we want to avoid seeming like the bad-guy or “heartbreaker”, as well as avoid living with the long-tail negatives associated with it. You know, that maybe you ended things because you just weren’t attracted to them (or something made them unattractive to you) – this could leave you feeling a bit shallow. I’ve certainly found myself in that spot many times in my young adolescence. Dating is always a learning curve, full of lessons. If we’re not feeling some level of conviction then how will be ever self-improve (self-reflect and become more self-aware)?

Know this: being firm and concise with someone about how you truly feel isn’t being cold-hearted or unloving. To be mean-spirited, hurtful, and pernicious would be to completely deny [the validity of] their feelings to the truth, as well as to white-wash how you truly feel (in order to avoid having to be on the receiving end of their feelings).

You can be both honest and firm and still kind and loving.

[Related Read: 5 Reasons the guy you’re dating suddenly ghosted you]

Refrain from “matching” their negative energy

Shocker – nobody actually likes being rejected or broken up with. And no one clearly enjoys doing the rejecting or breaking up with, either. Introducing…*ghosting*. The CTRL+ALT+DEL to modern-day relationship problems.

It’s also no surprise that people’s reactions to being broken up with will vary on a pretty wide spectrum. Some take it fairly well (agreeable, even), some tend to hide or internalize their pain (and simply withdraw or shut down altogether), and then there are those who have the [more combative] over-reaction I think everyone hyper-focuses on. Whether there’s correlation to that, I don’t think matters.

We act as if opposition isn’t even an option. When the fact is, the truth is/can be painful – that doesn’t mean it is our place to invalidate someone’s pain simply because it doesn’t serve or benefit us. Doing the breaking up is hard, and being broken up with is also hard…as is. So the last thing you want to do is stoop to their level of reactivity. Allow them the space to be angry, upset, confused, and in denial without matching their energy. You have the ability to acknowledge and even empathize with their experience while staying grounded in your own. And by doing this actually makes the experience that much “easier” on both parties, believe it or not.

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Stop trying to control their reaction

“They shouldn’t be this upset. They should be grateful that I came clean about seeing someone else.“

Easier for who – you, or them? You, maybe. But, no, that’s not how it works. Their feelings are not yours to decide.

If you go in letting them down or breaking it off with that mentality, you risk igniting a dumpster fire…with you both trapped inside, together. So when I say to stop trying to control their reaction (or feelings), I am also telling you to stop avoiding or running away from yours (the shame, guilt, insecurity, pride, etc.). Because for as long as you choose to allow others into your life you also choose the risk of unfavorable outcomes.

It’s important to learn to separate your experience from theirs, allowing for that space and separation of realities to exist at the same time. When you stop trying to control the outcome, their reaction, or how they *should* feel, you learn that only you are responsible for your feelings and your reactions.

Otherwise you just wind up beating a dead horse and making the entire “break up” process even more unpleasant.