When he says it’s complicated – this is what he actually means

*sigh* It’s complicated – and I’m not talking about changing your Facebook relationship status to “It’s complicated” because you got into a fight with your SO. We’re not still at that elementary level, are we??

I’m talking about the fact you’re with someone who’s “married“, yet tells you over and over that he’s getting that divorce in order to be with you – which still has yet to happen. And his response is always the same – “Look, it’s complicated…“

Is it, though? Or has the “It’s complicated” simply become a cop-out for ‘getting his cake and also eating it‘ in the dating realm? Or is it his way of holding onto you juuuuust enough to keep you around?

Take a look at the word “maybe” in the real world – maybe may not be a hard no, but it surely isn’t a yes, either.

It’s a deflective yes and no. Maybe means “for now, unless something better comes around” or “if you take the bait, I know what you’re willing to accept” or “I’m okay with leaving you hanging [until if/when I make a decision]” or “I don’t value, respect or have consideration for you and your time” or “I don’t care about giving you a forthright answer” or “part of me says yes but part of me says no – I just can’t admit that for fear the outcome won’t be in my favor” or “you’re not worthy of being chosen, or first choice” or “if you can do [something] to make me say yes right now“, or even “when pigs fly“. YIKES.

Therefore, maybe should be a passive-aggressive or self-implied “no” in your book.

Now look at the word maybe in terms of “it’s complicated” – this phrase is and will always be a “No” since they are not blatantly giving you a confident “Hell YES!“

But, alas, you’re in limbo because you refuse to give up on how YOU feel, and how you want HIM to feel…for you. Someone just needs the push, and more than likely it’s you – to leave the “complications” behind – once you find out what he really means when he says “It’s complicated“.

When he says it’s complicated – this is what he actually means

There are others, or someone else

It could be that you’re not the only one in his carousel of prospects. And while this is technically not a crime in the dating world, it can be frustrating when you’re sealing the deal emotionally as he is stringing you along for his ride. At some point it will become unbearable to be known as just one of his “side chicks“, and you really only have two choices to make from there.

I was never one with the ability to date more than one person at a time, and if I wasn’t feeling a strong enough connection for commitment – I ended it, no question. I’m an internally emotional (meaning, I hold a lot inside – so nobody ever really sees it), over-analytical person with a terrible memory. So compartmentalizing multiple people, as well as my own feelings for each, and simply remembering their different names was enough of a challenge for me in the dating field. I had more luck, and better quality relationships, doing it one-by-one.

But, to each their own. And that is something you either accept and take with a grain of salt, or take immediate action. Meaning, if he isn’t willing to give you – and only you – his time of day…onto the next. 

Therefore, he wants his cake and to eat it, too

If you know for a fact he is seeing other people – it’s likely he is going to have a harder time committing to just one. Basically, he is going to use the “It’s complicated” as a way for him to get his cake and to eat it, too. Meaning, he will tell you just enough of what you want to hear in order to keep seeing you, while still seeing others. This will often show up in his texting habits – if he goes hot and cold and tells you what you want to hear but fail to convert words into action.

He may simply refuse to tie himself down to one person, which isn’t exactly wrong (as long as he is being honest about it). Or, he’s in a *pickle* with someone currently, like the guy who wants to leave his wife (and *says* he will) but won’t (and *still* hasn’t), yet he still seeks external attention and validation through you. And for as long as you continue nursing him, he’s going to continue thinking he can get away with having his cake and eating it, too.

But when a genuine connection is established with someone, that’s usually a cue to cut ties with others. Unfortunately, you really have no control of the grass on other side of the fence [his lawn]. Figure out whether this fact is a deal breaker to you, or if it’s something you find worth waiting for until he’s ready for exclusivity (which, in the end, may possibly never even happen).

Just realize the longer you settle with his response of “It’s complicated” – knowing you aren’t the only person in his love life – you’re allowing yourself to compete for his attention, when you shouldn’t have to.

He’s not ready for more (if at all)

Some people move faster than others in terms of connections, relationships and exclusivity. The moment many realize they are feeling a certain way for someone – they want to seal the deal to that one person, not test the waters to “compare” or attract other opportunities.

But many also define exclusivity as giving up too much “control” over their personal, sexual and social lives. Take it or leave it – whether he’s seeing others, or just wants to keep his options open – some simply fear the act of “sealing the deal” and settling down to build on a connection with one person. And maybe not at the same pace as you.

If there is uncertainty of a connection or feelings on his part and exclusivity is constantly being “excused“, or put off, that is where “It’s complicated” might come into play. There comes a point where you need to what you deserve. It’s up to you how long you settle for someone who is frequently contemplating the relationship’s worth in their eyes.

“It’s not you, it’s me” (no, really)

The problem really is him. I know that’s one of those lines used as an excuse for “I’m just not interested“, but the honest to God truth is that the complications have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Maybe their feelings aren’t in check, or their life is a mess (what they consider being a “mess”). Some can’t handle having a girlfriend with their crazy work schedule. Maybe he recently went through a tragedy and can’t seem to shake those residual emotions in order to make someone else happy. He might be going through a period in his life dealing with depression, anxiety or other personal issues, or he’s possibly still gung-ho over his last relationship.

[Related Read: 7 Reasons Why Women With Self Worth Have Successful Relationships]

Hey, coming from the person [muah] who was dumped because “I wasn’t the light at the end of the tunnel.” I dated someone who had moved across the country for a new job, away from his hometown and family. All was wonderful at first, until months in – after a period of doubt and emotional confusion – he finally elaborated that his lack of investment in me was due to feeling homesick. He made the mistake of not telling me how he truly felt while maintaining minimal effort in order to keep me around (as it had surely worked).

In the end, he basically told me I was not going to help in finding his happiness. I was livid inside, but it was the only break-up where I was able to empathize with the fact that the problem truly was him.

In this case, “It’s complicated” is his way of maintaining the relationship, or salvaging it – through his personal issues – without completely ending it. This is your time to take a step back, evaluate your feelings and the current relationship as it stands. Are his personal issues getting in the way of the kind of relationship you’re looking for? Is he allowing his personal issues to affect the way he treats you?

Find out if he is just not that interested in you, or if there are signs that he is simply taking advantage of you.