*sigh* It’s complicated – I’m not talking about changing your Facebook relationship status to “It’s complicated” after getting into a fight with your SO. If you’re at that elementary level in your relationships – a major reality check needs to implode on your Love life.
I’m talking about the fact your with someone who’s “married”, yet tells you over and over that he’s getting that divorce in order to be with you – which still has yet to happen. And his response is always the same – “Look, it’s complicated…”
Is it, though? Or is the “It’s complicated” simply a cop-out? A way to sustain enough leverage in holding onto someone, while instilling guilt, only to continually appease their own selfish needs?
Because honestly, he tells you “It’s complicated”. That’s not telling you no, but ladies it definitely isn’t a Hell f***ing yes, either. You’re still with him, and I’m sure you don’t have plans to leave him. You’re on a limbo. Someone just needs the push, and more than likely its you – to leave the complications behind – once you find out what he really means when he says “It’s complicated”.
When He Says It’s Complicated – What He Really Means
There are others, or someone else
It could be likely that your’e not the only one in his carousel of prospects. And while this is technically not a crime in the dating world – it can be frustrating when you’re sealing the deal emotionally as he is stringing you along for his ride, or rides. At some point it will become unbearable to be known as just one of his “side chicks”, and you really only have two choices to make from there.
I was never one with the ability to date more than one person at a time, and if I wasn’t feeling it within a certain time frame – I ended it right then and there. I’m an emotional, over-analytical person, with a terrible memory – so compartmentalizing multiple people, as well as my own feelings for each, and simply remembering their different names would have been enough of a challenge for me in the dating field. I had better luck, and more quality relationships, doing it one-by-one.
But, to each their own. And it was my choice to make if I wasn’t willing to weigh hand and foot for someone who wasn’t sure where they stood with me (because of the fact they were seeing others, too). I wasn’t about to give someone their cake, and eat it, too.
Therefore, I’m not willing to settle
Likely, it will be hard to get him to commit exclusively if he is seeing other people and already giving you the “It’s complicated” response. Or, he just simply refuses to tie himself down to one person at the moment. Which is justified, especially for those who take the casual-dating-thing slow. But once a genuine connection is established, it is usually the cue to cut ties with “the others” – but it doesn’t always happen that way for those who take the “grass is greener” approach.
Some move slower emotionally, some don’t. Many play the polyamorous aspect of dating, and many can only handle one at a time. It will be necessary to figure out whether this fact is a deal breaker to you, or if it’s something you find worth waiting for until he’s ready for exclusivity (which, in the end, may possibly never even be with you).
Just realize the longer you settle with his response of “It’s complicated” – knowing you aren’t the only person in his life – you’re in this constant battle of competing for his attention. And that’s a selfish mind game he’s playing.
I’m not ready for more (if at all)
As I said above, some people move faster than others in terms of connections, relationships and exclusivity. The moment many realize they are feeling a certain way for someone – they want to seal the deal to that one person, not test the waters to “compare” or attract other opportunities.
But many also define exclusivity as giving up too much “control” over their personal, sexual and social lives. Take it or leave it – whether he’s seeing others, or just wants to keep his options open, some simply fear the act of “sealing the deal” and settling down to build on a connection with one person. At least not at the same pace as you. And in the end, you could be dragging it out with someone who is never going to feel the same way you do. They’re just too cowardly to notice they aren’t worthy of you, and to end it in order for you to find what you deserve in someone else.
Is the slow way the wrong way? No, within moderation. Taking things slow and formulating whether there’s a real connection before settling down are all perfectly valid and normal, and none of which speaks “It’s complicated”.
When the uncertainty of a connection, feelings, and exclusivity are constantly being “excused”, or put off, is where things becomes “complicated”. There comes a point where you need to know your own worth, and what you truly deserve of someone.
It’s morally up to you how long you settle for someone who is constantly contemplating the relationship’s worth in their eyes.
It’s not you, it’s me (no, really)
The problem is him. I know that’s one of those lines used as an excuse for “I’m just not interested”, or whatever, but the honest to God truth is that the complications have absolutely nothing to do with you.
Maybe their feelings aren’t in check, or their life is a mess (or, what they consider being a “mess”). Some can’t handle having a girlfriend with their crazy work schedule. Maybe he recently went through a tragedy and can’t seem to shake those residual emotions for happiness. He might be going through a period in his life dealing with depression, anxiety or other personal issues or, he’s possibly still gung-ho over their last relationship.
Hey, coming from the person [muah] who was dumped because “I wasn’t the light at the end of his tunnel.” He had moved across the country for a new job, away from his hometown and family, and dumped me months in because he was feeling homesick. He made the mistake of not telling me how he felt, and instead lead me on to believe otherwise.
I had to give him credit – because after the cold shoulders, silent treatments and wishy-washy feelings on his end, he admitted he wasn’t treating me like the kind of boyfriend I deserved. I was livid inside, but it was the only break-up where I was able to relate, empathize and keep my cool knowing the problem truly was him.
In this case, “It’s complicated” is his way of maintaining the relationship – through his personal issues – without completely ending it. This is your time to take a step back, evaluate your self worth and the current relationship as it stands. Are his personal issues getting in the way of the kind of relationship you’re after? Is he allowing his personal issues to affect the way he treats you?
Find out if he is just not that interested in you, or if there are signs that he is just simply taking advantage of you.