Your relationship may not be getting better like you think. In fact, certain signs can point to an illusion that your relationship is improving when actually it may be taking a turn for the worst.
I notice this quite a bit –men who genuinely believe their relationship is *improving* when actually it’s the opposite. She’s moved on, like done-zo – checked out of the relationship.
I don’t totally understand men’s logic on this one (granted, women share this, too, just *different*) but I imagine it’s simply because the arguing, bickering and fighting has either dwindled or come to a screeching halt…and not by the authentic efforts for improvement.
Just FYI, this post does not implicate the support of women over men and vice versa.
Men, if this is your current situation, listen, because I was once the woman in this very scenario.
Signs your relationship isn’t improving – she’s actually moved on
Yes, there’s less confrontation and arguing
Again, I think men genuinely believe their relationship has made a turn for the better when conflict has ceased.
In a nutshell, she’s waved her white flag. Meaning, she’s no longer pestering or nagging you about certain things, you’re no longer fighting (especially over the same thing over and over), and frankly, she’s also less combative with you in general. That last part, though.
GRANTED, in a healthy relationship there will be healthy, unavoidable confrontation – it’s all about resolution and repair, or how conflict is addressed and handled in general. That doesn’t mean constant arguing, or no conflict at all (i.e., chronic conflict avoidance) is healthy, either.
So it’s important to view conflict, in this case, from a different angle. If you’ve been in a place where confrontation has been a constant and she – rather suddenly – stops “hashing it out”, is no longer “pushing your buttons”, trying to “fix” or “create” problems you claim don’t exist, or “complaining”…that’s not necessarily the Green Flag you think it is.
For as long as a partner is willing to address, acknowledge and work through conflict it’s a sure sign they care about their significant other and the relationship. If not, well, then I’d argue that last part is no longer true. And I don’t know about you, but…men, trust me, if she’s no longer bothering to tell you what she feels or needs (whether you like hearing it or not), calling you out when she should, or *fighting for* the quality of the relationship…that isn’t a good sign.
She’s stopped caring
She talks less – she’s less likely to strike up or reciprocate in conversation, such as asking about your day. It’s also the verbal tid-bits that tend to go unnoticed as well – *poof*, gone.
To some men – awesome-blossom – this means more peace and quiet without that mosquito in their ear. You might think this is something to be over the moon about. Yet, at the same time, slowly but surely your ego twitches because she’s no longer puffing you up and telling you what you want to hear, either.
I never said I’d sugarcoat the truth, here.
She’s also stopped doing things for you, including the things you don’t see or anticipate. The difference is she may still care for you, but she’s done carrying the excess weight and letting you fend for yourself. At first, this may not seem like a big deal, but this is roommate status.
She also won’t express her feelings or share her thoughts, opinions and advice. To you, this may feel like a weight lifted because you’ll no longer have to “watch what you say and do”.
She no longer factors you into her day to day or takes you and your time into consideration. She just isn’t inclined to, and you’ll take that as a win-win sign you don’t need to consult her about anything.
She’s stopped asking for what she needs or reminding you of certain things. She does them herself, to which you will probably applaud her for taking on self-responsibility. She also responds to your behavior unphased; meaning, if you do something that would normally hurt or upset her… it will no longer show.
Point blank, she’s now unaffected by your words, choices and lack thereof effort. She’s stopped caring about what you do or say altogether.
The thing is you really might start to think the relationship is improving because overall she will seem less sensitive, over-bearing, *controlling*, and needy. That’s because the emotional connection has been severed and she has turned from attempts to repair it completely (when she has likely tried to no avail).
Therefore, it’s never safe to mistaken a woman’s sudden emotional silence for relationship prosperity.
She lets you do what you want
Literally, and tying in with the above that she simply doesn’t care what it is you do. This can sound insanely appealing, right?
Again, the things that used to bother her no longer do, so she gives you over to your very desires, and she won’t attempt to stop you. It might even seem like she’s encouraging of it, when the reality is you continue digging yourself deeper in a hole she’s simply walking away from. She’s no longer lingering at the edge ready to lower you a ladder in order to rescue you.
Yes, this does include certain negative, obsessive habits, recurring destructive patterns of behavior, and other personal struggles or addictions – like alcohol, drugs, infidelity, lying, and even things like abuse and mental health (where help is being refused and rebuked at the expense of her safety and livelihood).
While those are pretty serious circumstances, and still quite common today, let’s simply focus on the broader terms. I’m just saying, if you’re going to do something she’s already expressed she doesn’t like, or that is a threat to the relationship, and she responds with, “Ok, have a good time,” – that’s her giving you over to the very thing that matters most to you while making it obvious that she isn’t.
This is not a matter of trust, entitled *freedoms* or free will. The focal point is that she is done holding you accountable in the relationship and is adhering to the consequences of repeated boundaries crossed. If that isn’t blatant enough, what she’s basically doing is allowing your words and actions to direct the course of the relationship…and that’s to it’s demise.
This is not a trick. She knows everything she says falls on deaf ears, which means she will no longer speak up (i.e., tell you when your words and actions are hurtful) or hold you accountable (i.e., for repeat offenses that jeopardize the relationship) like she’s done before. Instead, she’s done you a favor by no longer coming between what you want when that is superior to what is right because she’s sick and tired of defaulting to last on your priorities.
You want to come home drunk most nights, fine; she isn’t coming to your rescue, and she won’t wait up or badger you about it. You want to follow and message random chicks on social media, fine; she’s not going to ask you who Blonde8 is. You want to be terribly sneaky and lie through your teeth, fine; she’s already well aware yet continues to let you live in this delusion that she’s clueless and blindly accepting what’s out of her control. You want to cancel plans last minute for the third time in a row to hang with the guys instead, fine; she won’t mention a word about it because she’s a step ahead of you with backup plans.
Honestly, from the outside – to you – she will act like the most forgiving individual with unlimited grace, but don’t let her aloofness fool you into thinking all is well. Trust me when I say that someone who truly Loves you will change your desires for the better as well as correct/discipline you when you veer off course.
I’ll say this *very* lightly – you don’t ever want a woman who just simply let’s you do what you want, nor is it always good thing when she does.
She’s taking matters into her own hands
This one isn’t totally linear, but I find that many women in extreme cases of unhealthy relationships who seek or undergo therapy are more likely to walk away from that relationship, especially if they’re partner refuses outside help. BUT not always – therapy has helped many individuals and couples work through their issues and strengthen their relationship for the better.
Although, case being, if she’s the only partner in the relationship seeking therapy (or taking strides for personal and relational growth) while you A. believe she’s the problem, B. believe you’re not the problem, or C. believe there’s nothing wrong in the relationship AND/OR refuse to see the need for personal growth…you’ve already proven the point on this one.
If she’s taking matters into her own hands, she’s likely outgrown you. When she’s outgrown the relationship, she knows she deserves better because she’s taking actionable change. She’s moved on from fighting tooth and nail to take the blindfold off your eyes, or to get you unstuck – from your piss-poor behavior, refusal to grow and evolve, or at the very least from your resistance getting off the concrete pedestal you live on.
She sees that you either don’t have the capacity to give the relationship what it needs or that removing the veil is just too difficult and uncomfortable for you (and worse, that you don’t actually care to). So she’s literally doing what she needs to do to cut ties with you, and that can mean waiting until she is in stable place to leave as well as gathering the mental and emotional strength to go through with it.
You really, truly might believe that the relationship is fine – great, even. The part that really sticks out for you is a false sense of complacency – you genuinely believe things are back to the good times, or the way things “used to be”.
Mind you, complacency is a huge culprit for many unhealthy and unhappy couples. It can easily become a false guide and dictator when it is given control of relational operations. I say time and time again that complacency in a relationship is normal, but that doesn’t mean the experience should remain a lasting norm.
Relationships take effort, sometimes more work than we imagined (many times that work is just on ourselves), but oftentimes complacency can trick unhealthy and unhappy couples into staying in that relationship simply because it provides the bare minimum sense of safety, security and fullfillment.
And that might literally be how you feel about the relationship – safe and secure as things are while she’s battling entrapment, where you refuse to either grow or let go, and she’s looking for a way out by taking matters into her own hands.
She’s creating a life without you in it
I need to be careful with what I say about this one because while there’s nothing wrong with a self-sufficient woman who can take care of herself, with dreams, aspirations and goals, but men need to differentiate when she no longer needs or wants you (in her life). While you’re jumping for joy she’s giving you space and doing her own thang (and not constantly dragging you into her biz), it’s accompanied with emotional detachment and disconnect you could be partially blind to.
To tell it loosely, having space and separate hobbies and interests are beneficial yet how much is too much?
Her life plans or path will no longer include you, and this can be for a multitude of reasons. For instance, maybe you’re flighty and refuse to commit (long-term; i.e., marriage), or she’s been riding on the back of your dreams and goals while hers continue to sit on the back burner or get shrugged off.
Furthermore, she won’t rely on you for anything (and no, not just money-related, think *partnership*). Truthfully, your best interest is no longer her best interest (and maybe that’s because, [clears throat], you’ve shown her that’s how you operate from the getgo).
She starts living her life as if you’re not in it (or a part of it) – *yikes*, but all the more consequential if your intent hasn’t been in the best interest of the relationship. In fact, she has already likely endured the very same of you – living your life apart from her and making decisions for yourself without prioritizing and factoring her or the relationship.
Out of Love, she isn’t looking for a way to *fit* into your life nor is she wanting to force you to stay in hers. And if it’s a life without her you want, and are showing her, she’s going to give you just that because she knows the only control she has is the life she lives. And at this point it’s easier for her to do so without you.
