Are you always seeking out companionship, or to be in a relationship? Being consumed by this may hurt you more than it can help you.
It’s always when you’re not looking that it appears, am I right? So….moral of the story: stop forcing it to appear. But you’ve been told that for God knows how long and how many times, I’m sure, to stop desperately looking for a relationship.
This is for the woman who has been on her own for a while, is tirelessly looking for that perfect team-player, companionship, and forever person, has just ended a commitment or finally (and rather suddenly, at a given point in her life) knows exactly what she wants.
Maybe you panic at the sight of others coupling up left and right, getting married, and starting, “..the rest of their lives“. That maybe the failing relationships, or having zero luck in the dating department, is your constant fate, and this has been ongoing and difficult to shake.
In no way, shape or form should this dictate where you are supposed to be in your life, let alone *doom* you to failure.
I know this can be a trigger, but there is still so much truth within it, that “you are better off alone than in the wrong relationship“. If you’re wildly hyper-focused on the idea of finding someone and obsessed with simply being in a relationship, it’s not always passionate readiness but insecurity.
To single women, here are 10 reasons to avoid desperately looking for a relationship
As always, the thoughts, insights, beliefs and opinions expressed throughout this post are my own. If you have any personal or specific questions, feel free to reach out to me!
You jump from one relationship to the next
Even I did this. There’s no excuse for it, and it wasn’t the healthiest choice. Jumping from one relationship to the next certainly did not improve my foundational view and experience in relationships. If anything, there became a stain much more noticeable and difficult to remove.
I can clearly remember moving on from a relationship before even officially ending it. Now I know this isn’t exactly clear-cut black and white, but let’s just say I was willfully back in the dating pool within the weeks that followed. And I snagged a prospect pretty quickly, which resulted in a difficult 2-year long, unhealthy relationship full of trials, deeper wounds, and lessons I wasn’t prepared for nor anticipating.
I look back now and see a very insecure 20-something year old woman. Not just that, but the blatant lack of self-respect was evident, even if it were insanely discrete. I masked both with this falsified sense of confidence (more so ignorance), when it was really just desperation. But I couldn’t see it at the time because I thought finding Love could fix all things.
I was only hauling a heavily stuffed suitcase full of dirty, unwashed laundry with me. I was re-wearing clothes I thought smelled fine, according to my senses and, truthfully, sort of expected that the next person would wash them clean for me. Or, otherwise, I figured I’d just deal with the load when I could no longer bear it.
Does that make sense? Eventually, that pile will tire and catch up with you, it will wreak havoc on you and the person you’re with, and someone is bound to notice that rank stank.
You’re seeking constant validation
And everyone sees, including potential prospects.
I get it, you’re tired of searching for the right person – hell, just someone, or anyone – as much as you’re sick of being stood up, cheated on and taken advantage of.
You’re not alone. The thing is, there’s a wide gap between seeking constant affirmation and active openness and receptivity to relationship opportunity.
What are some typical examples of someone constantly seeking validation?
- They’re excessively posting on social media. Good or bad, they’re likely over-sharing about their personal lives, achievements, misfortunes, and feelings, and likely for reassurance (attention from others).
- They’re always after receiving things like approval, recognition or praise from others. For instance, this could be someone who needs constant affirmation or recognition from their boss for doing *good work* or to know they’re not doing a bad job, which can stem from over-performance or a lack of self-reliance.
- They fear rejection, so these individuals may compromise on their values as to gain approval from others. At the same time, sensitivity to criticism often describes a person who heavily depends on approval and reassurance of others.
What does being active, open and receptive to relationship opportunity look like?
- Being active can still mean making proactive moves toward finding a relationship, or the right partner, but without the all-consuming behaviors attached to it.
- Being open to opportunities means to accept, welcome or invite without resistance, though not blindly. Being open to relationships doesn’t mean without proper discernment and careful consideration.
- Being receptive to relationship opportunities is to be responsive, not submissive. Receptivity invites curiosity, not unrestrained anticipation to give yourself over to that opportunity, or person, freely and entirely.
If this point hits a soft spot or deeply resonates with you, it would be a good time to unpack the ways in which you might be consumed with seeking validation from others, and how you can redirect to being active with openness and receptivity that isn’t hyper-dependent on others.
You settle too quickly
I’ll ask you: what do you think it means to settle too quickly? Go ahead and answer that for yourself, but here’s my answer (for me):
- Settling too quickly means I rushed into the feelings I had with someone before I was actually committed to the person outside those feelings.
How would you say my definition compares to yours? I think we could answer this more clearly with some common examples.
What can settling too quickly look like?
- You met someone, you talk non-stop for two weeks. You go on a few dates, spend hours upon hours together and talk all day, every day in between. Soon thereafter, he seems to have lost interest, or become “busy”, because he hasn’t called or made an initiative in seeing you. Now you’re left heartbroken because you feel ghosted.
- Maybe you had sex on that first date, and your time together thereafter is mostly spent at his place. After a while, you want him to step up his game, except he’s perfectly content with the way things are. Now you’re feeling used and taken for granted.
- Maybe he said or did that one awful, unforgettable thing early on, and you tried to let it go. Now he doesn’t treat you the same since you surfaced the issue. Everything he does continues to disappoint you, but you would rather keep the peace because, in one breath, you’re happy having someone in your life, but in another living in torment around someone who sees no need to change their behavior.
- You accepted that first date, knowing he has no money and no job, but you prioritize partnership, so you pay for the date. Then it turns into paying for the next one, the one after that, and so on. Yet, somehow, he’s got you wrapped at this point, and you constantly experience “re-falling in Love” with him whenever he does something sweet or seems to get on the right track temporarily. Eventually, you’re feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place.
- He comes to your place late at night, crashes with you (once he’s gotten it in), and then he’s gone by morning. It used to not be like that, but you both work and have busy schedules, so you’ve accepted seeing him when he makes the late night “I miss you” calls. You want to assume this is just a phase, but you’re too enamored by him to “blow this out of proportion” and risk losing him.
Am I judging you? No, absolutely not. Even I settled, throwing logic completely out the window for those good feels, even when I knew it wasn’t best for me. We do that and can only ever ask why with a direct answer once all is said and done.
When we’re desperately looking for Love, we have a greater tendency to give up or be more lenient with certain standards in relationships. Instead, the bare minimum often gets distorted as being too much or just enough, so we settle as if that’s as good as it can get. And because of this we’re consequently less likely to notice and resist those red flags.
All expectations go out the window
Think about it. When you’re all-consumed by being in a relationship, what are some things you might compromise (even if you think you won’t)?
How many people have been severely burned by someone they’re *just* dating early on and have not only forgiven but reconciled, as if nothing happened, despite that person being unaccountable for their actions? Often enough, it seems.
How often are simple things like disrespect being downplayed (accustomed, condoned, enabled, pardoned) in the name of being wanted, chosen or staying together? How much do our feelings for someone, despite the unrepentant pain they cause, reshape our expectations of them?
To make things a little clearer, when you’re desperately looking for a relationship, expecting certain things such as respect are increasingly likely to become the former (to be compromised).
[Related Read: I’m Not High Maintenance – I Have High Expectations In Relationships]
You don’t actually know what you want
Which means your mind likely changes quickly and often. One minute you want the guy with a decent, well-established career and two months later you’re knee-deep with someone because they gave you one solid good night but can’t keep the lights on in their place.
This week you spend many sleepless nights with the boy toy who has a smashing bod, likes to party and is admired by *all*, then the next week you’re talking about needing to find a plain jane good man who wants to get married because you’re nearing your thirties and suddenly concerned about your “ticking clock“.
You need to know what you want. Going back and forth is not knowing, it’s not being able to decipher two completely different things. Getting into a relationship, any relationship, isn’t going to help fix that or magically align the compass of your life.
The downfall of engaging in something – out of desperation – is that you have no true understanding of why and this only continues to drive you further down a road of confusion.
Most of your past relationships ended poorly
I promise, I’m not coming at you, because most people’s relationships rarely end on mutual, *totally fine* or friendly terms. I’m talking about unhealthy relationships at their core.
Even I would say most of my relationships ended poorly because they were unhealthy to begin with.
Either way, it’s important to reflect back if most or all of your past relationships consisted of bad blood. I should actually say we ought to reflect on those relationships, the role or part we played, with self-accountability.
Every single one of us, every individual, no matter the case, plays some part and has a role in every relationship they’re in – good and bad.
That one doesn’t go down easy for many, I’m sure, which is why I want to make sure I say that even if you were cheated on…you still played a role and you still had a part in that relationship.
Desperately seeking out a relationship poses the question if we are truly accepting and understanding of that, which is the point I am making here. Do we actually take the time to reflect on our individual role or are we obsessed with constantly looking for Love as a way to avoid self-responsibility (on our part)?
You refuse to let go of your ex
Guilty. I was still head over heels with an ex, and I forced myself to seek out someone else in hopes of letting them go. It was a very complicated, high school situation where my parent’s approval was involved, and they took measures to dispel the relationship I was in. It wasn’t an unhealthy relationship, by any means, they just thought I was too young to be with the same person in and all throughout high school.
Anyway, again, I was desperate to replace the Love I wasn’t allowed to have. I know, make it make sense that my parents were okay with me dating others – they just didn’t want me to be with just that one person.
There are two sides to this coin. On one side, you may be frantic to find someone else as a means to get over an ex, or you may be consumed with trying to make that previous relationship work time and time again.
Let me reiterate. It’s possible you might only end up sabotaging a relationship you’re desperately trying to make work.
You feel like the world owes you
Listen, I get it. You say you’ve done the work, and maybe it’s even evident – you’ve got all the proof to back it up. That’s great, really.
Does that guarantee fortune in return? I am really not trying to sound glum, but when we start doing things with an expectation behind them, and we’re left empty handed, it explains many things people are consequently experiencing.
Bitterness. Envy. Resentment, grief, anger, unforgiveness, arrogance, self-destruction, confusion, and desperation.
You’ve been working hard, doing the work even, but now you feel that life owes you something. IMO, deep down we all want some level of reparation for the negative experiences we go through, and even more so for the things we worked hard to earn let alone “deserve”.
We all deserve perfectly happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships. We all deserve true, authentic Love in this life. Yet if we’re operating with the attitude that the world (and others in it) owe you, then we can’t be surprised when we are met with the reality of rejection and discontentment.
You can’t stand the dating scene
I’m going to have to do a good job unpacking this one. While I am also not necessarily a fan of the whole dating scene, I feel I need to start out by pinpointing certain things that have become entangled with today’s dating culture.
[Related Read: To The Woman Who Is Tired Of Dating – This One’s For You]
Things like casual dating and hookup culture, specifically. Unfortunately, those two things alone may contribute to individuals seeking to rush into relationships as to avoid the wrongful intent and non-committal aspects of dating.
On the other hand, if you can’t stand the dating scene, you also might fall into the trap of engaging in casual dating and hookup culture – out of desperation – as a means to bypass the intended process of dating for exclusivity.
Your idea of The One is entirely unrealistic
I know I talked about the side of completely minimizing all standards and expectations, but we also have to touch on the unrealistic side of things.
Desperality can also mean you raise the bar to unreachable heights. It is possible, that in your desperate quest to find Mr. Right or that perfect relationship, unrealistic expectations of The One have made your journey more like a mission.
One is pliable and flexible, and the other is rigid and hard. Being flexible doesn’t mean you set aside all standards and expectations, like making yourself like a doormat to be walked all over, it simply means you’re allowing room to grow, to reform and be humbled.
I used to be so scared of being single and alone, I was embarrassed by it… about what people will say and think. But the more time I spent being single, the more I embraced it and myself. I learned to love my own company and presence, that alone isn’t lonely. So many people are so much more miserable in relationships. Not to mention how crucial it is to be more independent and empowered, to actually accept and embrace who we are ❤️
Oh how I wish to have seen this in my early 20s. It’s still very valuable advice for any age, very well written!
I agree. We shouldn’t be quick to jump into relationships. We need time to step back and reflect.
As I was reading tjis article I found a lot of my self in relationships I had in the past. And it is true its so hard for us to recognize that some part of the fail relationship is/are we settle, we don’t set goals for ourselves, always trying to fill that space. Thank you for allowing me to face the truth.
Have just come out of a very intense short relationship or should I say manipulationship with a complete narcissist. Within a month of us dating he bought me an engagement ring, then 2 weeks later went back to his ex! This carried on for about 2 months- backwards and forwards. And every time I took him back with open arms. His daughter committed suicide and he begged me to be in his life even though he was still with the ex. He finally broke up with her and we were together full time. Then the emotional abuse began. Always comparing me to her. The things he said destroyed any self worth and self respect I had left. He discarded me 3 months ago and I went No contact. He has a new woman in his life – only 3 weeks after we broke up. And to say it’s been a rough long journey back to myself is an understatement. Through self care and fabulous friends I have managed to salvage parts of me which he destroyed. This article really hit home how important it is to validate yourself and respect yourself and to also know what you want in a partner. Every day I’m stronger and know my boundaries. I had none when I met my ex and let him manipulate me and became dependant on him for my existence. I’m now much wiser and more aware of who I allow into my life. Although I would love a long term partner I am enjoying the single life, recreating myself and pursuing my goals and dreams. Thank you so much for this article, makes so much sense! Xx
Hi Beth!
I am glad this article has given you clarity! That sounds like one crazy learning experience, but that’s awesome to hear you are on the right path for you! It is super important to realize that we will never find our worth in anyone else except ourselves. Only then will we know who values our worth! If you ever need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to reach out! 🙂
I feel like I’ve read about myself here 🙂 I was in the same spot a year ago. Except I got rid of HIM before he could do any real harm. Mine was a drug addict, which made things a million times worse.
One thing you can do (which has helped me) is to learn how to set and keep boundaries. There are a few books out there that are really good. Also, learn about what your deal breakers are and keep a mental note of them. And when you’re ready to date again, the key is to not disclose either your boundaries or deal breakers to anyone for a while – say the first few months, and to basically sit back, watch, and let them show their true colors all on their own.
I also learned the easiest way to see if someone is or isn’t a narc, is to tell them “no” early on in the relationship and watch their reaction. It could be for anything, kissing on the first date, or maybe they try to love bomb you. Their reaction after saying “no” will tell you everything you need to know.
This article is really helpful. Currently I’m in a relationship with a man in his mid-thirties (im just shy of 26), its a long distance relationship so it comes with enormous hurdles obviously, but hurdles that im ready to meet… but i think this article is still applicable. I’ve been very unhappy over the last month of the relationship, and questioning why i’m “not good enough” or “can’t seem to have a healthy relationship” and all the ridiculous poison we feed ourselves when we are feeling neglected. He has morphed from mr.perfectly-secure to mr.i-dont-know-what-i-want… and reading this has made me realize that i’m losing myself once again.
I identify with and take my portion of responsibility of #2 (need for validation), #3 (settle too quickly), #5 (relationships all end on bad terms). #2 is solely my responsibility… theres no question. However, my past relationships have been with the same type of men. I’ve only had 4 relationships (including this current one) since i was 18. Each man has come with one very frustrating tendency… they cannot fully commit to me, despite saying they can and gunning hard for the relationship to begin with. They usually end up cheating (one guy cheated with my own cousin, and the other two with their exes) and then trying to win be back as a friend after we’ve split up and keep me on the backburner (which ive rejected in every instance, hence why we end on bad terms). I’ve dated men that are younger than me, my age, and much older… but they all struggle with the SAME commitment issues. They come on heavy, and pull back, i get insecure and confused, question their change in behaviour, they go back to normal, then pull back more, then end up cheating on me, lying and dragging the relationship out further, try to win me back, usually succeed, and eventually i get dumped.
I guess my question is, what is the common denominator that I keep falling for?
Right now i’m starting to see the familiar signs pop up with my current BF… talking to his ex but denying it, and telling little lies here and there that is causing the trust to once again, erode away. All 4 of these men have NOTHING in common with each other… except that they somehow win me over and then stop making an effort less than 6 months in. But i want to change MYSELF and MY decision making, and make sure that I always, always ALWAYS love myself first so that i don’t give my heart away to the next man who asks for it and carelessly tramples over it.
Omg girl, first off – this is nothing to be ashamed about! Second – to answer your question – the common denominator definitely sounds like you both delve too deep, too fast.
And is this a bad thing? It shouldn’t be – there’s nothing wrong with falling head over heels. I think it just needs to be in a matter of moderation, maturity, stability and with good incentive.
So, if you tend to draw in guys that ‘fall quickly’ or like you said, ‘come on heavy’, that’s likely not an issue with you, personally. Now, if you tend to fall quickly in reciprocation – that’s likely a reason for the sudden drawback from his side. There’s the whole ‘They’ve won you, the excitement and chase is gone, now they’re bored…’ stereotype in dating (which I believe happens more times than not!). The ‘coming on heavy’ ordeal, to me, speaks that 1. They are not really looking for a long-term commitment, 2. They have failed to learn from their past relationships that started off strong and ended quickly, or 3. They have not had a stabilized, long-term relationship…ever!
You seem to have a tight grip on what it is you’re commonly experiencing within these relationships – which is a rare quality to have! The start, or root, of the issue here seems to stem from the fact that you attract guys who ‘fall too quickly’. And by definition, I’m talking about a clear difference between finding a guy who calls you everyday because he wants to, versus a guy telling you he loves you after one week.
All in all, you have to do what feels right for YOU – not hold back for reason A, B or C. From these experiences, you may have realized that maybe you need to take the ‘slower approach’ in the beginning (since that’s the common denominator), and when you notice signs of guys ‘falling too quickly’, or even that you’re falling too quickly – pull back the reins a bit (and by that, meaning, you have to verbally tell them you want to take things slow).
Honestly, I can relate to your situation back when I was dating in my early 20s. And I didn’t have anybody to tell me what I was doing wrong or what I needed to do different. I turned to a lot of books, which seemed to help A LOT. Because it wasn’t about changing the person I was dating – it was about bettering myself, knowing what I wanted, getting what I wanted, attracting the right people and knowing when to shove people out of my life who were toxic. I don’t want that to imply that I went from letting guys step all over me to becoming a ‘bad bitch’, but let’s put it this way: If I started dating a guy – I didn’t invest 100% in him – he was only merely an accessory to my life (Yes, even when I was looking for that relationship to settle into possibly marriage one day). I didn’t stop doing ‘me’, and from that I was dating on ‘my terms’. I was in control – not him. And if at any point I felt a sliver of doubt, or he began showing signs of distrust or disinterest – he was gone faster than he could blink the first time around. There was never a point of feeling sorry for myself, or hurt, because I didn’t let those relationships take me over emotionally so quickly. And that was part of my problem – becoming so emotionally invested that I was afraid of letting go of relationships I knew weren’t working (whether from lack of communication, distrust, infidelity, immaturity – whatever), where I was unhappy, left feeling lost or manipulated into sticking around just because I ‘wanted things to work’.
But I learned this new direction in dating from a book that I want to recommend for you. It will completely change your approach on dating, especially since you are already understanding of the rights and wrongs of your situations. Now it’s a matter of taking action towards change, and maybe even help turn around your current relationship by putting yourself first. It’s called Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. Yes, I know – but seriously, though – this book was my saving grace. I read it numerous times, and it may require that in order to really put it’s words into perspective. You can find it here: https://themrsinglink.com/blog/messaging-etiquette-online-dating/
I hope everything works out!!
I wish I could send this to my best friend without her knowing it was from me. She needs to stop settling! I can’t tell her enough how important it is to not settle and wait until you find the right person. You’ll know when you do
I can’t say the same – I’ve told this to a few of my friends. Granted it goes in one ear and out the other, but they will understand in due time.
This is really good advice! I went through a stage between my marriages that most people have when they’re younger. I had a daughter by then, and I wanted that stable family for her. You just can’t force it, though. And not everyone who “likes” you is going to eventually be that person who is your happily ever after. I know its cliche, but when I stopped looking so hard is when it finally happened. I’ve been married 12 years now, and I’m very happy.
Agreed – that it’s something you can’t force to happen! I’m very you’ve found your happily ever after! 🙂
Thank you for this, its exactly how i used to be. A reminder of how far i have come xx
I am so glad to know you have overcome this! It makes you that much stronger!! 🙂