Assuming you are reading this – obviously – in your 20s, but more importantly, this [hopefully] being the time in your life when your friends are…well…life. Although this is more of an unconventional approach, I believe this is the time to make the most of your 20s *with your bestie(s)*.
You and your crew are thick, like modern-day Sex and the City. I can’t even BELIEVE I’m referring to SATC as old. Nonetheless, your 20s simply wouldn’t be your 20s without your bestie(s). Not only are your 20s an exciting turning point or the start of an exhilarating journey, but they are your pivotal years of growth into adulthood.
Sure, everybody’s 20s look different, so not all of these may resonate with you. I also think we veer toward certain things when we read the title of this post, and this is totally fine. Yet we don’t necessarily gravitate to other important aspects, which are often overlooked and neglected, like growth, personal conviction, and self-reflection. And I do my best to make light of those here.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I look back on how I would have done things differently if I had been given this advice or words of wisdom. Instead, I take what I know now and apply it to my life and friendships moving forward. Trust me, we all get to a point in life where we wish and wonder what could have been. So for those of you reading, I offer this advice to help you preserve and make the most of the friendships you have in this pivotal decade of your life.
How to make the most of your 20s [Friends Edition]
Move in and get a place together
I mean this seems like a duh moment, right? More than likely your 20s equates to that full-on independence and adult-life experience – maybe this means graduating, starting a business, getting that *big girl* job (or really any job with a steady paycheck), paying your own bills, and moving out of your parent’s house.
So why not begin this new, scary yet exciting chapter with the people you can trust and depend on?
I never experienced this (and I’m more than okay with that), but I imagine if you have some pretty inseparable friends in your life, or that one friend who’s been with you through thick and thin…this would just make sense. Forking the bills would be a plus, too.
Set boundaries
You’re going to have to face the uncomfortable stuff, so why not do that now, together? Boundaries matter. And they become even more important to set and uphold in your adult life, because they are going to be what make or break you (and your connection with others) – trust me.
I see far too many friendships with no bounds (no respect), who feel entitled to limitless access and to stepping all over one another. In my 20s I was too worried about [and consumed with] what my friends thought of me; it was more important to be accepted, liked, agreeable (or conforming), and “easy-going” (flexible).
Now I look back and see how I had over-extended and abandoned myself in the process. And, real talk, most of my friends didn’t actually like me for me – they liked me simply because I mirrored them. And when it came time I put my foot down (about my individual preferences, thoughts, desires, opinions, values, etc.), their mere response and reaction was, “Hey, who do you think YOU are?” As someone who naturally kept more to myself (rather than openly showing the world who I was), I also wasn’t very confident in my own voice. Or, rather, my voice was just naturally more quiet, fluid, and soft. It wasn’t until I was prime in my young-adult years I realized I didn’t have the friends in my life who encouraged me to use or find that voice, but who often took that for granted in more ways than one. I knew this to be a rare and underrated quality that is often absent and in friendship.
So what kind of boundaries am I talking about here, anyway? It’s really simple: where do you draw the line? *This also includes holding space for your friend’s boundaries, so these examples can be vice versa.
Are you capable of declining a night out (to stay in and get a good night’s rest for work in the morning) when your friend begs you to go to ladies night $1 drinks at the club? *Without the feeling of walking on eggshells.
Does your friend respect your personal space when it comes to quality time with your bae? *Do they make you feel they supersede your other priorities in life?
Say your friend has dietary restrictions or religious convictions; they don’t eat meat or won’t partake in listening to certain kinds of music – can you honor [respect] that? *Can you do so without allowing this to alter your view of them (create resentment)?
There will come a point where you might butt heads, so to speak, as far as your personal limitations, responsibilities, preferences, and priorities. But at the end of the day friendship thrives on respect, including self-respect. This key component [boundaries] shouldn’t create separation or distance, but rather bring you closer – this one can be difficult for many to understand, especially when they are not put into practice early in life. Therefore, the right friends in your life will [do their best to] encourage, instill and honor boundaries (including your voice).
Take regular staycations and vacations together
Regardless of whether you’re in relationships – why not? In grade school, you probably looked forward to things like weekend sleepovers, pool parties, theme parks, or even family vacations together. Although I was someone not into the whole sleepover thing, I definitely most looked forward to spending time with my friends doing something extra fun and special.
So why does that anticipation need to end? Making plans together is still part of the fun. And if money is tight, there are still plenty of ways to feel like you’re “getting away” without dishing a lot of dough – like taking a day trip road trip to a nearby city you’ve never been to. Remember, it’s about the memory and the experience [together], not how much money you put into it.
Grow [UP] together
Many can interpret this one a bit differently, but here’s my take. Again, part of making the most of your 20s won’t and shouldn’t be all glamorous and sexy – it’s real, it’s raw, and it forces you out of your comfort zone. That’s what growth is really about, right?
Growing up together isn’t just “surviving” the changes [milestones] while remaining intact [friends]. Growing up together can mean having big, *tough*, uncomfortable conversations and facing [arising] differences, conflict, and feelings. There’s the choice to honor and respect each other’s [separate] individual paths in life, even when a certain path benefits us the least. I mean, how did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants remain interconnected when they all spent Summers separate without holding their different paths against one another?
This can mean your friendship changes – not necessarily cease, but evolves into something new.
People often view friendships that fade, fizzle or drift as a lost cause. People also view friendships, where one person takes a drastic shift in another direction (in opposition to our own liking), as a threat or impending doom. All in all, we tend to take things personally let alone make it about ourselves.
Growing up, in part, means holding space for change or redirection. We don’t have to like it, per say, but we can’t expect someone to never change (good or bad), right? So why do we place unrealistic expectations on our friendships, as if change equates to negative? You, as an individual, are constantly moving – you’re evolving [growing]. That means the people in your life will [should be], too.
Growing UP together works in unison with your individual growth. How do you think married couples stay married 15, 30, 50+ years? They grow [change, evolve, adapt] together. To do so requires meekness, humbleness, acceptance, humility, grace, forgiveness, and Love. This goes without saying we also must be willing to deny ourselves – meaning, refrain from making it all about us.
For instance, when you take a job out of state, or your friend gets married and starts a family – your friendship [in it’s current state] does not take precedence over new changes, endeavors, milestones, and priorities that enter each of your lives. If your friend finds or rekindles her Faith – are you going to write her off simply because now her religious beliefs clash with your own (or lack thereof), or because she’s suddenly not who you thought she was (or wanted her to be)? *Point blank, we’re the most triggered when a friend no longer serves our own comfort.
With that, ever-changing factors of “growing up” should not dictate the quality or value of your friendship, because growing UP together means embracing discomfort, making some sacrifices, accepting new challenges and changes, facing hard truths and loving them through it all in order for friendship to work.
Explore the world together
I know solo travel is, like, the big hype today but honestly? I feel like solo travel came about in popularity in order to combat the stigma of loneliness; that “traveling” is something you do with someone, otherwise, we should feel ashamed or guilty doing it alone. Listen – I’m not against it. I, for one, could never. I don’t have the confidence or social skills (hello, social anxiety) to travel on my own, let alone dine in a restaurant or go to a movie by myself, in fact. You would think being an introvert this would be my jam, but it’s not. INEXPLICABLE.
On the flip side, isn’t the world worth seeing when you can share it in the company of another? So why not spend a year abroad with your bestie teaching English? Splurge on that Mediterranean cruise, or go backpack through Europe. Is that still a thing? Whatever your “thing” is, go do it NOW if you can.
Stop sweating the petty high school stuff
Here. We. Go. Girllllllll. I’m saying it.
As I look back on EVERY meaningful friendship I had [and lost] since grade school, through college, and into my [current] adult life – if I could pinpoint 5 pieces of advice I regret not taking or listening to, it would be:
- Your friends are not you. *By expecting them to be, you only disappoint yourself. This prevents you from being open (and learning to be loving and accepting) to others who differ, since we’re often hyper-focused on finding and connecting with people who are similar to ourselves.
- Therefore, you won’t always be on the same page, like the same things (twinsies!), see eye to eye, or agree on everything. *You look for and lean on compatibility with others in all the wrong things!
- Commonality fades – seek real, lasting qualities in [people] friendship, instead. *For instance, you find a connection with someone because you share an obsession for a particular style/aesthetic – what brought you together may also be the only thing holding you together…by a string.
- Learn to let things go (forgive, show grace, be less prideful/reactive, etc.). *As “developing” and [likely] emotionally immature young adults, everything that happens to us feels catastrophic, which can lead to hypersensitivity and reactivity (in adulthood).
- Friendship is less about what you bring/offer to the table and more about showing up to the table. *Oof, this one hits hard and can be difficult to understand in adult friendships because it requires you to surrender unrealistic, fixed beliefs about friendship.
When I entered college, it was like my social life had been turned upside down. Not all bad, but in a way that was different. Not only did I go to school, but I worked part-time and off and on full-time. So I went from high school where I saw my friends nearly every weekend or after school during the week to sometimes only being able to make and commit to plans a few times a month. It was hard to basically watch my childhood friends make new friends, do all these things without me while also juggling new priorities and responsibilities for myself. It often felt like I was placed on the back burner while being fed breadcrumbs, and I realize they may have very well felt the same way.
Long story short, I don’t think we’re [all] automatically equipped to handle such a transition in our lives when our social livelihood was all we had and depended on for nearly a decade (throughout grade school). It was even more difficult [for me] not to take the changes I endured personally. This was likely projected toward my friends, which I would say cost me several of my friendships, in the end.
So what am I saying here? Well, I guess, is to take a step back and look at the big picture (of friendship) instead of only fixating on what you think you already know.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]Be more proactive about Friendship significance
If you want a friendship that lasts, you’re going to have to understand and harness significance as well as balance. Both of those things were definitely a personal struggle for me in my 20s, even if I thought otherwise at the time. Things won’t always be peachy perfect, equal, or self-gratifying, and with that, significance determines worth.
When I said to look at your friendship from a wide-framed view, I mean to take a good, hard look at how you define friendship (it’s significance [meaning] in your life) and be able to ask yourself, “Is this realistic? Is this healthy? Is this genuine?“
Discovering the significance of your friendship is something only you can do, individually. And this is often skipped over because people tend to rely on [the benefit of] friendships from a more surface-level connection. A surface-level connection doesn’t require a lot of yourself; we’re often too consumed with being guarded (not revealing too much) as in order to avoid getting hurt, and we wonder why it seems impossible to “find genuine friends” or “real, authentic connections” in this day in age. Hence why it’s easier to move from friendship to friendship than it is to,
forgive a friend for showing up to your party late (when they apologized),
accept your friend’s stance on a political issue (acceptance doesn’t mean agreeance, but it withholds judgement and resentment),
respect your friend’s limitations of not wanting to have more than a couple drinks out (without harsh criticism, like being called a Party Pooper)
honor each other’s individual beliefs, values, thoughts and opinions without equating them to a vendetta,
admire [Love] one another’s differences (and how they compliment each other) without trying to fix, help, change or shape them into who you need or want them to be. *This includes [their] potential.
To improve upon true significance, we might do better at discussing and focusing on our [honest] answers to the right questions. You can do this yourself but we should be encouraging friends to do these together!
What do you think brought us together in the beginning?
When (at what point) did you know I was a friend or consider me as your friend? *What has influenced our connection to growing closer?
What do you value most from our friendship? *How do we [our differences] “compliment” each other?
In what ways/areas do we require/need respect, honesty, openness, support [etc.]? *I.e., “I need your support in my life aspiration to be a mother regardless of your personal choice not to have children. This means my children will always come first, and I need you to respect that.”
What qualities do you believe mold, shape, and strengthen [our] friendship? *What things do you believe have the ability to harm or threaten [our] friendship?
As with relationships, friendships also naturally ebb and flow or experience high points and low points. We’re often very comfortable talking about or reflecting on the high points, but part of our willingness and ability to strengthen the foundation of any relationship is being able to openly reflect on and discuss the low points. What are/were these [so far] and what have we learned from them?
Naturally, there are going to be places we differ, things we don’t “like” [about each other] or agree on, but a meaningful and significant friendship will be based on *more* than those things. [Repeat and fill in these statements] :
A. “I may not agree with you on [. . .], but your value as a friend is more than that to me.”
B. “I don’t necessarily like when/that you [. . .], but your value as a friend is more than that to me.“
C. “We may differ when it comes to [. . .], but your value as a friend is more than that to me.“