This can apply to the independent woman, in general, but this also goes for the single, independent lifestyle or mindset, too. At some point, getting married I guess, many will no longer view me as being in either of those categories. For me, I’m unlearning A LOT about what it means to be an independent woman in the secular world today.
In fact, I’m not claiming it. I already know that I am well and capable, and I don’t need to carry some title to enforce or reaffirm that. So, please, someone else can take mine. I’m giving it away freely.
A brief overview of what I unlearned throughout this post
It’s sad, but I’m finding an undeniable distaste for the word, the lifestyle and what it preaches. Mainly because I’d like to think I’m wise enough to know its intended definition, and that the *silent majority* are actually adhering to, but I can’t help but notice the divisive, judgmental and rotating hypocrisy among its back-door cliquey exterior.
Care to hear? Be prepared to adjust yourself in your seat, because some of this may be quite *uncomfy*. And, as always, these thoughts, beliefs and opinions are entirely my own.
6 Things I’m unlearning about being an independent woman
I’m unlearning that…”I can do it all”
I really hate to burst anyone’s bubble but, no, no one can *do it all*. Then we wouldn’t be considered human, because everyone would have the same level of knowledge and no diversity of skills. Nobody would be considered unique, which would eliminate individual strengths and weaknesses because we would all be and perform the same. Then there would be no need to turn to anyone else for “expertise” or help because we would simply do it [all] ourselves. This would ultimately either destroy our life span having to know and do it all on our own (from inevitable failure and/or burn out), OR it would create this apocalyptic (self-gratifying, disconnected), auto-pilot version of a “utopia” where we resort to any form of help or advancement from…get ready for it…AI (not people). Sounds a lot like our world today already.
[End rant] This really isn’t meant to be discouraging, but to come to terms with reality that we can’t do it all, and that we need others.
Life will force us to face failure, inadequacy and shortcomings pertaining to our limits in what we *can* actually do. Not all of us can and will be doctors, astronauts, farmers, teachers, mechanics, CEOs, or hairstylists – good riddance. That is why, as human beings, we are designed for interdependence – so that we do NOT *have to* do it all [ourselves]. Are we really at a point, as a culture and society, where we’re in complete denial of this??
I am also not perpetuating a society that completely relies on, say, our government to *do it all* for us, either. I am just saying, however, there are still states that pump your gas for you, which means there’s people out there who have never had to pump their own gas! Also, it’s not uncommon to hear that grandma’s tank still gets filled up by her kids or grandkids. Why would this scenario be considered unhealthy *dependence*…but having service at a gas pump isn’t?
I’m unlearning this idea that I will somehow be below the standardized bar if I don’t do it all. I’m OKAY with that, because at least I’ll have kept my sanity. Life has met me with many closed doors that I’ve tried prying open and breaking down, but simply couldn’t, and it would cost me in order to. Some doors already have. Besides, I’m also unlearning that I don’t need to break myself to prove that I can open every single door. Yet many will applaud over-flowing plates and over-performance and call it liberation or success, as if doing it all is a flex. I assure you it’s not.
In any case, it’s been absolutely FREEING to embrace that I can’t and don’t have to know how to or do it all!
I’m unlearning that…”I don’t need men”
Particularly, the independent lifestyle preaches the idleness of men and how women don’t need them. While I know there are just some things women do better – for instance, women have a higher pain tolerance, are better “nurturers”, can multi-task, [etc.] – women are also flexing certain things we shouldn’t because it insinuates we don’t need men, like, at all. And, IMO, this is dangerous because it’s further from the truth and it only creates further division and disconnection.
Sure, on a positive note, women have come a long way. If you can remember there was an era where women were only about as valuable as the man who would marry her – think Pride and Prejudice (if you haven’t seen the movie, please go watch). Ok, and we’re not there anymore, so why do we feel the opposite extreme is the new, acceptable way to go?
Honestly, this point alone could really get me in trouble because not only is the idea of needing men seen as oppressive today but it’s also subjective. Subjective, in the sense, that there’s the growing percentage of women who are choosing the independent lifestyle – to stay single, remain unmarried, and respectively depend on no one. And men are doing the same.
That’s fine, but when are we [men AND women] going to come to terms with the fact that the mentality of total self-reliance, and that “men are useless” and “women are worthless”, WILL fail us?
For starters, without blaming “male-dominated” industries, where are the droves of women in blue collar jobs, like garbage women, female linemen, HVAC, plumbers, car mechanics and construction workers?? Somehow it’s acceptable to say certain careers are strictly for men yet we’re pissed that men are joining in [taking over] the more female dominated industries, too, such as nursing, chefs, hospitality and the like. Again, we can’t all be CEOs, CFOs and UFOs (lol). And we have to remember that the considered worthy, *high-value*, high paying, competitive, corporate jobs are not the majority, and they especially aren’t the majority in a functioning society.
When are we going to admit (as women) that there are certain jobs we *silently* view and deem as beneath us, or *outside* our innate skillset let alone physical qualifications but mostly our desires/preferences? As much as we hate on the secretaries or MLM schemes, nothing’s changed much today because we’re still pretty cool with working for the man through small-task, repetitious, “desk-and-deadline” type jobs, or even positions that require you to work for commission or by “running the floor” (aka, selling to people – hello, AVON lady). Listening, I’m not hating one bit – someone’s gotta do those jobs, too.
Therefore, why do we justify men *belonging* in certain fields (plumbers, law enforcement, logging, roofing, mining, farming, rigging, fishing, [etc.])? As IF we don’t need those jobs to exist or to function as a society, yet we absolutely H A T E when roles are reversed on this topic.
So, yes, I am unlearning that I don’t need men because I am SICK of having believed this when it’s far from being true. I have absolutely ZERO desire [to do] and the upmost respect for the jobs and positions that men will do (and accept). Am I saying women can’t? Absolutely not, but I’m not seeing it take place, and that’s the point I’m trying to make.
This conditioning is what keeps us (women) stuck [controlled]; we’ve only gone from one extreme to the other because society is only easy to subdue when they are chaotic, imbalanced and therefore have divisive, black and white thinking that worships whatever certain narrative or belief is “trending”. I know many will say this is [alas] at the hands of men, but honestly this is the work of our fallen world, humanity, and evil within it. Evil wants nothing more than for women to blame and hate men, and vice versa, and it’s seemingly succeeding.
I’m unlearning that…”I’m the only person I can depend on”
Personally, I think the do it all [myself] mindset only establishes and affirms the avoidance of depending on others. It backdoor tells us we can’t, but also that we shouldn’t, especially those who have experienced being hurt or traumatized due to reliance or dependence on others. Um, this would literally be everyone on the planet – *and, yes, some more [deeply] than others.
When referring to the [single] independent woman mentality it’s more about life’s menial (yet still significant) needs, responsibilities, tasks and duties. Specifically, when pertaining to relationships, it’s geared toward not depending on a man to fulfill these things. And I’m not just talking about being able to open up the pickle jar. When we refer to what it means to depend on someone – particularly a partner – we are usually referring to emotional or financial dependence [safety, security, trust, provision].
More and more, today, I’m seeing dads raising their daughters in such a way that says, “I don’t want you to depend on a man (for anything),” when that’s also being translated as, “I will teach you that you can’t depend on us.“
In one breath I can really respect that – I do. In another, I often wonder if instilling this mindset reflects the kind of man, father and husband he is or isn’t (to his daughter and wife), and if that will have any effect on the quality of a partner their daughters grow up choosing – reaffirming that instilled mindset. It already speaks volumes what effect absent [unreliable, undependable, untrustworthy, selfish] fathers, whether emotionally or physically, have in their daughter’s (and son’s) adult life. Just a thought.
I didn’t grow up in that dynamic, because my dad was dependable. And I’m GRATEFUL. I could trust him to come to my aid at 2am when my car’s head gasket blew on the highway. He wasn’t perfect, by any means, but he showed up while also teaching me [some] things that aren’t solely “man’s work” or “woman’s work”; I got my hands dirty, so to speak. Yeah, he showed me how to change a tire, I did things like mow the lawn, and he taught me a lot about money from a young age.
Did I retain all of it? No. Yet it was more important that he show me I could [still] depend on him, because then I was inclined to choosing a partner who would measure up…regardless of what I was shown and was able to do on my own, all that I couldn’t OR the things I simply didn’t *want* to have to do. For instance, dealing with the finances – my husband graciously does all that, and because he’s far better at it. I sought that in a partner.
For me, I still feel the “I’m the only person I can depend on” falls short because people don’t always have their own best interest. Mic drop. With that, I’m unlearning this: dependence equates to weakness (failure, inadequacy, flawed, or needy).
From a wide scope I can get behind self-sufficiency and self-trust. We aren’t supposed to walk through life waiting and expecting our every need to be catered to by others. That would be self-neglect. On the other hand, I find we may also be mishandling that push toward complete self-dependence. In a sense, what partner has the motivation let alone desire to *show up* in their relationship when they’re treated in such a way that says, “I got me – I don’t need you – thanks, anyway.” And I find this scenario is commonplace for many people who have experienced previous relationships or an upbringing of a lack of trust, abandonment [disappointment], emotional neglect and over-performance.
At the same time it almost seems like we’re celebrating the unhealthy extreme, perpetuating the assumption that no one is dependable, wherefore it’s every man simply for himself. *This is not the same as advocating for yourself. And not just that no one is dependable but having this attitude that no one is worthy of depending on; that nobody is worthy of trust. We will then argue this is simply self-protection but if we cling to this so tightly, what does this do? It can push people away from us, keeping them at a distance from connecting with us, and force those out of our lives.
IDK, maybe it’s just me but this whole depend on no one ideology makes it seem like people are dispensable; human connection being transactional more than it already is. Not only is this dehumanizing but it further widens the gap on human value (not innate, intrinsic value) and connection. I mean….”I’m the only person I can depend on,” certainly preaches every man/woman for themself…because it glorifies the Self, where we see no value in [connecting with, depending on] others. And that being the *safer* monologue we tell ourselves.
This begs the question if we, ourselves, have become less dependable. Why? Because if self-dependability and self-reliance is carried out with bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness and score-tallying against others, then we are less likely to be dependable since that is a selfless act, which requires humility and vulnerability.
With that, I’m unlearning two things: 1. depending on someone else is an abomination. That simply isn’t true, regardless of the number of times I have deemed others unreliable by hurt and trauma. And 2. that reliability is unwavering; it most certainly is not.
Not everyone will have or be at the capacity to fulfill [my every need], be at my disposal, or be of help/aid at every and any given moment, especially in the way I’m looking for. Hence for the saying throughout the self-help world, “I want to/will help you *in the best way I can*,” which may not always fulfill [your] the definition of someone you can depend on or call dependable. That doesn’t make people undependable or unworthy of trust, but being vindictive and withholding grace and mercy towards others’ humanity certainly will.
I’m unlearning that…”If you want it to get done you gotta do it yourself”
I’ve heard this saying my whole life, and it’s always kind of left me with a, “But…” in opposition at the tip of my tongue. I think we all have heard this in some way, and it’s no exception in the SIW [single, independent women] community. So when it comes to having a partner and being in a relationship, what instances might be referred to here? Do I really need to go into them?
Sure, we ALL have things that HAVE to be done (paying bills, grocery shopping, doing dishes, filling up the car with gas, etc.), and we ALL have ways we like things to be done, but at what point is this *mantra* inevitably preventing your ability to truly connect with someone or destroying intimacy in a relationship? Trust me, I’m hearing the women who say they’re stuck between a rock and a hard place when they’re partner isn’t stepping up to the plate or are struggling tooth and freaking nail against weaponized incompetence. This entire point revolves around the fact you shouldn’t have to step up [as the default] first, but yet the fact is you are.
Unfortunately, I find that the saying, “”If you want it to get done you gotta do it yourself,” carries bitterness and resentment. It’s also being defined and applied in a way it shouldn’t. It’s really not helpful for those in the position where they’re already the ones doing it and getting things done themselves [by default]. It is, in fact, telling women to *do it all* when that’s not what women need to hear. As women, we need to focus less on doing and more on being, which does NOT revolve around over-extending, constant performance, perfection, productivity and achievements. You are enough without!
Growing up, I was the kid who rarely felt fully at peace at home. I spent far more time outside, in nature, by myself than I did inside. That’s where I found peace. Otherwise I felt I had to be hyper-aware and vigilant of the “room” – the [sudden change of] feelings, energy or mood in others – because I never knew when I would witness or be the cause of strife. I was always on edge, anxiously did things and was often in a neutral emotional state to prove I was good and worthy. Through performance and minimizing my own [big, hard] feelings, I did this as a way to avoid reprimand or having to deal with the heightened, negative emotions of others. In turn, I often felt responsible for how others felt – if they were mad, I assumed it was because of me or at me.
With that, it was easier for me to just stay *busy* – always doing something. I could never feel comfortable doing *nothing*, or being at rest – that would somehow mean I was lazy, bored or ungrateful – for it was only a matter of time my mom would notice and say, “Ooohhh, you seem bored with nothing to do – I can find you something. I’ve got a list of things I can come up with.” *And this isn’t talking about having specific chores as a kid.
I know you’re wondering, what’s the point of this story? Well, here’s what I’m unlearning: I can’t rest until things are done, and even if things are done I can’t rest because there’s always something to do, and I’m the default to getting it done. And if it doesn’t get done, not only is my world collapsing but I end up feeling immense shame and resentment over it.
What I’m saying is, now into my adult life I am realizing this statement – “If you want it to get done you gotta do it yourself,” – perpetuates a constant state of productivity by assuming nothing will get done if you don’t do it.
Here’s the big one: that if it doesn’t get done it’s OKAY. *No, I’m not saying to quit paying your bills here.
And women are the easiest target for this, especially the *independent woman* because we tend to be the default when it comes to initiating getting things done. Taking on the mental load, multi-tasking, maintaining structure and order, setting reminders, attuning to what needs to be done, planning in advance, overseeing others (in a loving, caring way that is often seen as controlling or critical), etc. etc.. We likely learned this from a very early age, or were forced into this position (for those who had to “grow up” faster or sooner than others).
And you know what’s funny? Learning this from a very early age has actually made me a procrastinator that struggles with OCD/ADHD tendencies as well as being in the freeze state, where it can feel impossible to start or finish something! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. The number of times I start something, then find something else to start, then another, and ultimately never finishing the first thing is a heartbreaking by-product.
The [single] independent woman mindset doesn’t give women the permission to depend on others; it also isn’t giving women the permission to simply do less…but ultimately to fail, be imperfect or inadequate. It sets an unattainable, unrealistic standard, yet again, for women to perform, idolize and achieve. Yet we are often left feeling like we’re not doing enough, good enough or that we’re not enough.
What I’ve taken away is that IT’S OKAY to step back, remove things from your plate, take a REAL [breather, break, rest], NOT accomplish something or everything, to NOT assume the reins of certain responsibilities (yes, if you can help it) and to just LET GO from being the default do-er through a set way or set standard. AKA, my husband cleans different from me – I’ve stopped adhering to my standard of clean so that I am NOT the default cleaner.
Because of this shift, which has taken YEARS of undoing, my weight isn’t as heavy, and I’m more at peace [rest] with what I’m not doing. Best of all, I’m less bothered by stumbling blocks and inconveniences, and I don’t view myself as being lazy, unmotivated or apathetic by not over-performing (when society tells me to be otherwise).
I’m unlearning that…”I’m the captain now – I’m in control”
LOL, first of all…I don’t WANT to be the captain. They have the WORST job, and not just because if that ship goes down they must go down with it. There’s the misconception among the independent woman mentality that says there’s nothing we can’t control. And many blatantly take this at face value – that they ARE in control of every. little. thing.
Newsflash: you’re not – that’s impossible. And honestly, as lovingly as I can say, nobody wants a partner like that. So to try and do so only leads to a very unstable, chaotic life. Sure, I fully believe the whole, “Only you can be in control of you,” but at some point even the captain of its ship surrenders to its vessel.
I’m unlearning this hyper-functioning push to control. I’m talking on all fronts, because (especially in relationships) that somehow implies I am entitled and that my ways and my will are superior. If you live by this mentality, it carries the potential of hurting others in its wake when we’re tricked into believing it’s for our own and everyone’s good. This mentality of total, relentless control does not facilitate connection AT ALL.
I’m unlearning that…”I’m *strong* when I’m independent”
Now, truly, the [single] independent woman out there – who is not married or in a relationship, and is doing life [contently] on her own – absolutely embodies immeasurable strength! Duh.
In saying that doesn’t mean someone has none for willfully and faithfully depending on others (particularly, a partner or spouse). And that’s really the biggest issue I have with the modern-day proclaimed “single, independent” mindset – is that it conditions women to believe their strength exists only within the parameters of total self-reliance. Here’s the difference I see:
- A single, independent woman who [can] takes care of herself: beautiful, admirable, healthy.
- A woman who [can] takes care of herself in a relationship: beautiful, admirable, healthy.
Are those two examples the consistent NORM? Are we ALWAYS taking care of ourselves let alone ALWAYS able to (or, *want*/care to)? No. Flat out, no. So let’s point out the REAL norms.
- A single, independent woman who [can] takes care of herself whilst also depending on others (in time of need or to fill in the gaps). *To fill in the gaps = when she isn’t expected to or can’t *do it all*
- A woman who [can] takes care of herself whilst also depending on her partner or spouse (in time of need or to fill in the gaps). *To fill in the gaps = when she isn’t expected to or can’t *do it all*
The thing is, the *strong* independent woman mindset almost seems to slap many women across the face without even realizing it. This mindset has nothing to do with moving up the corporate ladder, how much money you make or buying a home on your own. It has nothing to do with not needing a man, a partner to do life with or to *succeed* in life, and it definitely doesn’t exist to expose and demonize men. It’s not even a lifestyle! The independent woman isn’t all about what she earns, obtains, creates, achieves, endures, exalts and opposes.
We’ve got to stop making it an identity let alone a lifestyle that defines and expects us to be!
What about women who experience bouts of depression or anxiety, lacking the motivation to wash their face on a daily basis or struggle to simply make a dreaded phone call? What about women with literal illness, leaving them in debilitating pain or disarray? What about disabled women? Legitimately, these women may not [always] be able to *do it all* and have the strength or capacity to take care of themselves. Some do depend on others, some more than others – are they somehow not considered the embodiment of “strength”?
What about the married woman – is she no longer independent? What about women who stay home to raise a family? Are they not independent simply because they’re not working for a paycheck to support themselves? The fact is, in reference to the true definition of independence, the SAHM’s individual sovereignty is separate of the working woman’s. They’re independent because they make and follow their own self-determination.
The idea of the independent woman was simply to acknowledge and embrace one’s individual strengths INDEPENDENT OF other women (or others). And this just isn’t the case. In fact, I want to be less and less like other women due to this rotating contract of “if you’re not with us you’re against us” and “if you’re not like us you’re not included“, and I find that these women are often the ones that heavily and openly idolize women alike (like celebrities, influencers, politicians, etc.).
As a married woman, I’m no longer single, which means I am independent no more, nor do I want to be! My own interests are not my only interests, my feelings are not the only feelings to consider [that matter], and my fulfillment [happiness] is not first and foremost. And those in the SSIW [strong, single, independent woman] community may not take too kindly to that. Yet I’m unlearning that this – leaning on and depending on my husband to protect and provide for me – doesn’t somehow equate to relinquishing my “strength”.
PSA: simply being a woman is strength, period.