Dear men, the literal fact is you keep missing the point. Notice, in caps, that I said want. This isn’t a matter of why she won’t; she won’t have sex with you, say, because she is waiting until marriage. The title of this post also does not take into account the basic, most obvious reason, either – that the sex she wants won’t be with you, period. Then that would be the end of this post [for many] and what reason would you have to keep on reading?
Therefore this post extends to the bracket [of men] [with women] who fail to recognize the spectrum of other key factors. You know, all the reasons beyond [your] ego. Here I thought men were the “simple creatures” – when this should be a no-brainer concept to understand [by now], no? Yet here we are, in 2022, having to emphasize “enthusiastic consent” – since that point is also being missed. So first, allow me to perform a quick Lasik procedure in order for you to see more clearly:
*Ahem*, a woman not WANTING to have sex [with you] has less to do with sex [itself] and more to do with…well…the desire to have sex – this lack of *desire* includes but is not limited to all the things that inhibit, diminish, or supersede her desire [for sex].
What exactly does this mean? Here’s your dose of 20/20 vision: her desire [to want to have sex] is heavily impacted, affected, and influenced by what’s happening IN, TO, and AROUND her; her surroundings, level of connection, and trust (or lack thereof), experiences, environment, trauma, taxation, mental health (load/obligations), pressures (societal, social, self-esteem), biology (hormonal, menstrual), and relationships (personal, family, friends). *This is just to name a few.
Hey! Get back here – you thought this wouldn’t involve you? You’re sadly mistaken. So if it [her wanting to have sex with you] means that much to you, you’re going to have to set ego aside and start tuning into the big picture that is often neglected: her desire.
Dear men, here’s why she doesn’t WANT to have sex
she just isn’t in the mood
“BuT sHe ShOuLd WaNt To HaVe SeX wItH mE aLl ThE tImE!”
Or my fav: “If she doesn’t desire to have sex with me, what’s even the point?!”
This baffles me, while many men would concur that they’re not always in the mood to talk about their feelings. So let’s call it for what it is here – her mood. Her not wanting to have sex isn’t always about you, so here’s a pro tip: stop always making it about you.
As a woman, I am exhausted of hearing, “I don’t feel desired [physically] when she doesn’t want to have sex.” Not only does this statement focus primarily on the self, particularly how you feel toward her lack of desire (or for not being “in the mood”), but it places the responsibility of your sexual/physical self-esteem (and, frankly, fulfillment) on her. And this is often done so in a way that instills shame and guilt. Therefore that statement (and other variations of it) also shows how unaware/unattuned/inconsiderate you may be of her needs.
Too often women are shamed over this utter idea of simply not being in the mood. I’m sorry (not really, actually) but women are not and will never be, at their core, like the c*rnstars or exotic dancers you [may/likely] have seen, been exposed to, and have [deeply] sexualized. And I’m mostly talking about their seemingly constant, instantaneous [sexual] drive.
If we’re called to avoid making assumptions (in life and relationships), then [with sex] this equally applies. We have got to stop automatically attributing not being in the mood to rejection, and therefore absolute detriment to your manlihood (or affirmation of entitlement to your [unmet] physical needs). Meaning, “She declined having sex with me, therefore I’m allowed to claim my sexual needs as a requirement to be fulfilled regardless of whether or not she wants to.” Using your biology as a way to get your sexual needs fulfilled is simply manipulation – that might even be called abuse if you’re not careful.
So here’s your tea – *Trigger warning*: she won’t, and shouldn’t be expected to, be in the mood 24/7/365 [for you], nor is her body, sexual desire or lack thereof at your disposal.
Regardless of all my alleged nonsense, you hear not in the mood and likely translate that to “not attracted to you”, or not desirable. Many will say not being in the mood is a response heard often. *Whether this pertains to a differing sex drive issue, I think the entirety of this post still stands. Although, if she’s met with emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, or manipulation, I’m honestly not surprised by her continuing or growing lack of desire. Again, because there are legitimate reasons (for her not being in the mood), they tend to be compared and invalidated in the name of fulfilling [unmet] physical/sexual needs.
Sure, of course not *feeling* desired physically/sexually by our significant other (SO) hurts – consistent rejection can and does take a toll. I am not denying that. My question is how often this is genuinely communicated, and in a healthy manner (through empathy, compassion, self-reflection, and introspection)? Let’s reverse roles here, and think about how it feels to be expected (or shamed, guilted, provoked, threatened, ultimatum-ed, etc.) to submit one’s body [unwillingly, beyond one’s limit, moral, or desired capacity] to another’s satisfaction – this can take its own toll of feeling taken for granted. Or that we’re only good for our bodies, and our feelings (as well as our heart, mind, soul, and personhood) don’t matter.
*Men may resonate with this on the aspect of provision, or providing – they can often feel taken for granted financially, or like they are only good for supplying a steady paycheck.
We need to unlearn that her mood, or her lack of desire (for sex), does not inherently correspond with her attraction or desirability [for you]. Your worth, self-esteem and feelings for your significant other should also not be heavily dependent on her [sexual/physical] desire [for you]…again, 24/7/365 and solely at your convenience.
So, no, desire is not [always] directly correlated to, the existence, or result of a physical or sexual (connection). Though, if you must know how it can lead to her losing attraction [to you] physically/sexually, is if you start and continue ignoring, invalidating, gaslighting, minimizing, patronizing, disrespecting, and criticizing her lack of desire, or for not being in the mood. *The same way men are often brought up being told they need to be *strong* and in control (they’re not supposed to cry), women are often brought up being told they need to be *passive* or compliant (they’re not allowed to be assertive or show anger).
Then what does “not being in the mood” look like [translate to] exactly? These are just a few examples. You can get a better, more personalized understanding of what this means [to your significant other] by simply asking her yourself.
- She’s not a light switch when it comes to being “turned on”; she takes more time to get in the mood, and this doesn’t necessarily involve romanticism or foreplay, but setting “the mood” – lighting candles, non-sexual compliments, non-sexual affection, space, emotional availability/attunement, awareness of tasks or things to be done (so that her mind can focus less on what needs to be done or what to do and more on de-stress, relaxation, and quality time to connect and feel connected [with you]).
- She’s listening to her BODY; for instance, if it’s that time of the month, sex might be the last thing on her mind as she’s dealing with menstrual pain and overall physical discomfort; she’s entitled to the respect of giving her body what it needs without feeling guilty, as should you be encouraging and supportive of that. At the same time, if you treat her self-respect (for her body) as a burden [on you], she’s going to see/sense that, too. So, it really isn’t too much to ask, that if you care and love her body (enough for sex) to show her that you love and care for her body when it comes to everything else (apart from sex).
- She’s [literally] tired or stressed; yes, even if you catch her laying in bed on TikTok; mental exhaustion is still a thing, because if/when her mind has not had a chance to wind down from running a marathon all day, or for the last 5 days with less than 4 hours of sleep at night, she knows she will not be able to relax and actually enjoy having sex. Men experience this, too, when they want to be left alone to binge on video games, soooo – for real – where’s the G R A C E?
- She just doesn’t want to; sometimes there are just “other things” she would rather do/be doing. As much as sex is supposed to be enjoyed and sought after (without defiance), we really have been conditioned to put sex on an overreaching pedestal. The fact is, there is still more to life than sex, and these things aren’t always more extravagant. It’s like the saying “Chocolate is better than sex”. At times (as cringy as it might be to some), binging a show on Netflix will be more appealing/satisfying to one’s mood.
- *There’s an existing wedge between you and her; point blank, makeup sex isn’t always a guarantee. Sometimes a recent or unresolved argument is the culprit, and lingering negative energy that festers won’t help or allow her to be in the mood. At this point, temporarily, time, assurance, and non-sexual connection is often the desirable substitution.
Is there a respectful, healthy way to help/allow her to get/be in the mood? Of course there is – have you troubled yourself in asking how you can be of better help?
she’s not feeling connected
If she doesn’t want to have sex, disconnection is a huge – almost guaranteed – factor, one way or another. To better understand, she’s not feeling desired or valued apart from sex. Connection is your desire for her emotionally, mentally, intellectually, spiritually, etc., which means sex (physical connection) is a result of or a mutual benefit (that cherry on top), but it is not the glue (that keeps a relationship together and thriving). Sex does not facilitate those things, and men are the most often mistaken.
*Here’s a question you ought to hold onto at all times: we haven’t had sex in a while and this has been weighing on me – what area of connection needs more attention and focus?
Because here’s this thing: I, myself, often experience the same struggle. If and when I do not feel [emotionally, mentally, intellectually, spiritually] connected with my husband, then I have less of a desire to be intimate [physically]. And, frankly, I find disgust in [the idea and relatively common practice of] allowing my husband to “use” my body (in order to meet [his] sexual needs). In other, more blatant words, having sex simply because he wants it, even if I don’t.
If sex is [truly] about the physical “connection”, how can someone actually feel connected to their significant other (let alone willfully engage in sex) knowing they’re not [fully, enthusiastically] into it? And what I MEAN is being into it emotionally/mentally – her “seeming” into it physically can mean nothing. So let’s not pretend to be ignorant. Even if you aren’t aware of her lack of desire (for sex), if you [truly] know your significant other, you should be able to sense a disconnect or misalignment. Maybe it’s just me but this boils down to a respect thing – which, men, of all people would understand full and well since that is their key desire and motivator in life, right?
Therefore, if you’re completely aware of OR unable to notice her lack of desire and an misalignment in connection during sex, then the focus is not physical connection but sexual gratification. Where’s the respect in that?
I could say, in laments terms, you’re treating sex for the wrong reasons. Or you’re trying to make a square [your significant other] fit into a circle hole because in your mind it’s simple: don’t make sex more than for what it is. In her mind she may be screaming, “Stop making sex meaningless!” Did you catch that???
Unfortunately, this is learned and encouraged in today’s culture, and I’m not at all surprised. There’s far less value/meaning to sex – sex is no longer sacred or *special*. It’s also self-focused; selfish, empowering, and self-benefitting. People can easily have sex with solely the desire for sex without requiring a connection or even desiring the person, and then claim sex as part of our external needs to be fulfilled (through others) -C*rn and casual sex being enemies of this, but we won’t even go there.
The bottom line is, most women need to feel connected emotionally in order to [desire to] connect physically. *This doesn’t take into account that women also experience times of needed sexual release (tension). Most men, on the other hand, seem to need to feel connected physically in order to connect emotionally. Whether this is simply a matter of priority (or basic biology), either way, one requires the vulnerability and relinquishment [giving] of one’s body and the other is of the heart/soul [mind]. So hopefully you know which of the two should be prioritized above the other.
The issue is that this may not have been relevant at an earlier phase in your relationship, for instance when you were dating. Oftentimes, in dating, sex is perceived and treated as its own entity [solely] based on attraction, chemistry, and physical desirability whether or not an emotional connection was established, built or maintained.
sex feels “Transactional”
Yeahhhhh, we’re going there. And I’ll start by asking: when was the last time you were receptive to OR gave your girlfriend/wife physical affection without the expectation or implication for sex – genuinely? And I don’t mean a quick kiss on the lips, once. I’m talking, like, a full-on makeout sesh (for one extreme example) without making sexually implied jokes, a mockery of, or holding it above her head (score tallying).
Look, sex does appear transactional to healthy, happy couples. You know why? Because both parties are proactively contributing to the pillars of the foundation in their relationship. As a result, they are mutually benefitting from the reward of their ongoing efforts. Yet, let’s not forget, this isn’t something that happens overnight. The difference is sex is also not one of those pillars, nor is sex treated as an expected [implied, assumed, entitled, guaranteed] return on investment. So even though the wife may have fully initiated sex simply because he cooked and did the dishes that night, the husband should still be able to engage in non-sexual affection as well as have unconditional respect for his wife’s decline to have sex.
But when is transactional sex unhealthy? Refer to the other sections of this post, but especially if that’s how most physical interactions or sexual intentions are founded. Meaning, I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine. And the couples who are guilty of this the most? 1. Those who can’t be physically affectionate without leading to or resulting in sex, and 2. those who treat their relationship like a business, where sex is the paycheck for doing the bare minimum AND/OR as a reward for going *above and beyond*.
And women are usually portrayed as being the “bad cop”, in this case, because they are the ones more likely to avoid or decline physical affection. Exactly – how unfair, right? No, really, but think about it from her perspective. Is it unfathomable to want physical affection without sexual implications? Otherwise, what ends up happening – ultimately – is she feels less SAFE [to be vulnerable]. If that doesn’t say we live in a hyper-sexual and sexually *liberated* and dependent culture with distorted beliefs on sex and physical connection…then I don’t know what.
her plate is too full
I’m talking about her physical, emotional AND mental plate – including but not limited to stress, obligations, and dysregulation, as well as the relationship, household, and parental responsibilities, such as the mental load; thinking of, planning, and executing weekly meals, upcoming appointments, important reminders, day-to-day schedules, and routines. This plate, as “unnecessary” and chaotic as it may seem, is quite literally piling over (if the dam hasn’t already breached its walls); moreover you’re watching from a front-row seat with popcorn in hand as she reaches her breaking point or silently implodes. This is usually when she’s known for being naggy, clingy, needy, over-emotional, crazy or *too much*.
She’s exhausted, over-extended, burnt-out, and the like. Her plate, which undoubtedly keeps the wheel turning (effectively and smoothly most of the time, I might add), tends to be berated by the person who is supposed to be that wheel’s biggest support. Yet there’s the audacity to question why she can’t/won’t prioritize [more] time in the bedroom. Or, rather, why she can’t simply set some of the added weight aside – temporarily – in order to cater to your sexual fulfillment.
Again, of course, this isn’t all women. But if she doesn’t want to have sex, I can promise you this scenario describes the majority of women [at some given point] in their relationship (with you) – the imbalance of the scales (plates).
Of course, it would be easy to advise these women to simply stop “doing it all”, or filling their plate (*with things [to you] that easily don’t matter or aren’t that important). Part of me genuinely does believe women need to stop biting off more than they can chew, assuming the reins, caring too much about [obsessing over] menial things, or taking on doing it all *because they can* – this goes against the essence of their being. But this advice also invites a bigger [inevitable] problem, threatening their sense of safety and security: who will do it/get it done [if I don’t]?
I’m compelled to admit that most women [today] feel they cannot rely on men [their significant other] – this does involve trust, as well as an overall sense of, again, safety, security and stability in the relationship. It’s about letting go of control, but reliability and trust must run parallel. And if she can’t do that (whether this has been proven by personal experience or conditioned by new-age societal norms), this can subsequently affect her vulnerability and desire surrounding intimacy (sex).
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]I digress. The main issue here is her plate is simply full, and you’re [either] likely adding to it and/or not helping alleviate it. And when her plate is [always] full, she’s less likely to be in the mood, she’s more likely to feel disconnected [from you], and at that point can’t help but treat sex as a buyout for time (time in between the guilt of rejecting your pleas).
As prideful (stubborn) as men can be (and are) when it comes to getting help or asking for it, women are, too. And it’s likely that she has asked [you] for help, in an attempt to hold you accountable (so that she won’t always *have to* ask), resulting in the response of your own combative pride [refusal and denial] time and time again. This is boldface rejection, as well. Being a partner, you shouldn’t need to be told or asked to step up in your role. The reality is, in this case, you’re already showing her how blind and incapable you’re willing to be to the imbalance of intuitive and proactive care, consideration, and compassion that a relationship requires.
the problem always falls on her
She doesn’t need to hear it in words in order to see your disappointment. She can feel your growing resentment. She knows that every time she chooses to honor herself (her lack of desire), another tick mark appears on your subconscious Rejection Scale against her. She also knows, as a result, this likely pushes you further away when it should be your sign to pull up closer to her.
The problem, at large, does fall on her. This is usually by default, if we’re being real here.
So you say, this isn’t my problem and I’m not responsible. But I see it like this: it is as much your problem as it is hers (her problems ARE also your problems), and you are, too, responsible for as long as you choose to be in a relationship.
If you call yourself the vessel of strength, integrity, protection, and provision, then you would NEVER place, let alone allow her to carry or bear this weight on her own. All that I’m saying isn’t to condemn you, but to expose darkness into the light.