I’m 34 going on 35 this year, and over the last decade my mind has shifted as to what makes me feel beautiful. And in the last handful or so years, I’ve basically done away with the desire to look or feel “sexy” – with the exception of for my husband. I explain a bit more on that one later, don’t worry.
In general, our world seemingly relies on this so-called Standard of Beauty (whether those believe in it, abide in it, or not), and lately I find myself grinding my teeth over how much this standard is being blindly and quite silently perpetuated today, and to younger girls each generation.
Main points I will touch on through this post
What is the Standard of Beauty, anyway? Well, it’s what’s considered *beautiful* in mainstream society. Society (particularly those with a lot of power, influence and following) sets that standard which also means it changes and evolves, as you’ll notice it has over the centuries and even recent decades.
I’ll be honest, some of these points may be downright uncomfortable, and even controversial, but this entire post focuses on my personal journey of “beauty” through young-adulthood to now, and how my thinking [about myself] has changed through the years. My goal here is not to force others to change their mind or to wrong them, but to offer those encouragement who need it. So as you’re reading, do keep in mind the whole “Standard of Beauty” of today’s world.
7 Things that no longer make me feel beautiful
Keeping up with all the latest trends
Following popularity. My natural hair is fine and kinky curly, yet I always dreamed of having thick straight or wavy hair. We always want what we don’t have, and it’s so true. That’s problem #1 – when we want the things we can’t or don’t have (long lashes, a certain hair type, unblemished skin, etc.), feeling beautiful can seem unreachable to the fullest extent.
Every woman will experience something their struggling with in terms of beauty, or what makes them feel beautiful, so it concerns me when the world teaches that every self-conscious struggle is fixable, implying that it should be fixed to be that much closer to the Standard. Listen, I’m not saying it’s vain to take certain measures when it’s beneficial, but at what point are we resentfully slapping God across the face? I’m just saying, it’s a flex to get a nose job whether you absolutely need one or not.
In grade school, boy was I a sucker for all the super popular styles then. Like particular accessories that were “the thing”. You were cool if you had it, and you felt cool, too. And not just relating to hair – jewelry, perfume, clothing brands, shoe styles, etc.. If you’re reading this and you were in the era of the Tiffany Heart necklace or Velveteen Tracksuits, hellloooo!
Physical appearance in grade school undoubtedly DETERMINED not only whether you were noticed but your popularity and likeness to others. And I know it’s still the same if not worse today – 1,000%.
As I neared and reached my 30th mark and into my thirties, I said no more. Officially. I had stopped shopping at places like Hollister, Bebe, A&F, Forever21, and Victoria’s Secret for the sake of the “brand”. Plus, most well-known and high end named brands only care about catering to The Standard, anyway.
I also stopped dying my hair and preventing the streaks of gray from shining through and decided to let it go All Gray. These things, and much more, simply became less and less significant to how I felt about myself. In fact, all they were doing were holding me back.
Forcing a style that wasn’t initially natural or comfortable to me. When “style” took it’s first weird turn for me – like a fork in the road – I was going into 8th grade, middle school. I was 12 or 13, and had just gotten my braces off. To say I felt like a new person is an understatement. So as far as my *style* taking a turn, I began wearing things that, at first, didn’t feel very “comfortable” or natural to me – aka, showing a little *more* skin and shape, to be exact.
It was like going against the grain, but it only got worse from there on out and in high school I was fully conditioned to wearing the almost-see-through white pants, the shortest and tightest jean skirts and lowest cut shirts that were allowed at school. I’m ashamed to admit but I came from the era where hiking up your thong so it was exposed from the back of your pants when you leaned forward was “the thing”.
The strangest and seemingly uncomfortable fashion statements were popular, and a big part of me felt like beauty didn’t really revolve around how you felt but how others perceived you. It was part of that fitting in process, like a self-sacrifice, to an extent. I remember a time when you were called a slut for certain fashion and beauty statements – not even joking.
The focal point of this one is about wearing what feels naturally comfortable rather than forcing yourself to wear something in the name of “FASHION” or popularity. Also, this point addresses only wearing something as to avoid being labeled anti-feminine. What I mean by this is what it is: if you want to wear jeans and a t-shirt, and that’s your style, that doesn’t make you LESS or not feminine! And as I look back on my grade school years, if I could do it all over again, that’s what I would have chosen to wear – hands down – almost every single day.
Most women’s clothing [today] are, yes, geared towards accentuating a woman’s “figure” with as minimal material possible, and calling it Femininity. Don’t even get me started on the sizing fiasco. Besides, at one point loose fitted clothing from head to toe was what most women wore, and it was considered Feminine. So, what, unless cleavage is exposed, your waist is cinched, your dress shows every curve, and your pants or skirt is skin-tight, it’s not?
I can’t help but notice that the Standard of Beauty perpetuated to women is often and increasingly “to be comfortable being uncomfortable” and, frankly, to accept being objectified style-wise. So guess what? I shop for t-shirts in the men’s department now.
Wearing what’s “new” or “in”. Since we’re talking fashion, everyone and their mother knows not all trends work on everyone – I’m talking clothes, makeup, hair, the whole bit. It’s like the color theory. Yet it’s outrageous to see those, who essentially worship the *trends*, outwardly and unapologetically bash others for not keeping up with or going against what’s new or in. I.e., Millennials are getting hit hard as of late for continuing to wear Mom Jeans and skinnies.
Our world is full of bigger problems, and far too many make fashion one of them. From the obsession with designer brands, the trend of never wearing the same thing twice, all the way to shaming individuals for getting their clothes second hand, or not “dressing” with the times.
More and more I see beauty being being replaced by a falsified beauty – with prosperity, aspects of transhumanism (convincing people to take measures that ensure they’ll “live forever” or “age backwards”), material possessions, net worth and consumerism. This doesn’t sound like beauty to me, this is absolute vanity.
The self-inflation disguised as self-care
For me, the self-focus and self-inflation – from a Beauty Standard perspective – has become so tiring, yet many simply glorify it to the point it becomes an identity. I’ve been there, I still fall victim to it, and many are.
The physical standard of our self-esteem revolves around SOMETHING (skincare routine, makeup, false lashes, hair color, acrylic nails, lip filler, tattooed eyebrows, contouring, perfume, jewelry, shaving, waxing, the clothes we wear in public versus at-home, etc.).
I’m TIRED of having to (or wanting!) to strive to look and feel like a 10 ALL THE TIME, or meeting this criteria to avoid the stigma of “I’m purposely trying to look older than I am”, “I didn’t put in any effort” or that “I’ve let myself go”.
I want to do nothing and still feel like a 10 – that’s the goal! I’m aware this is not realistic, even for myself, but here’s my thought: there’s plenty of talk surrounding *natural beauty*, but are we just taking it at face value (literally)???
Am I saying self-care is bad? No, absolutely not. I do question, however, at what point self-care becomes self-infatuation that is still being labeled as self-care.
I can remember a time when I was obsessed with dying my hair red – I really, really wanted Ariel the mermaid RED. I can’t count on my hands the number of times I attempted to alter my hair to make it that red, with failed attempt after failed attempt and ultimately damaging my hair along the way. It was no longer self-care because I wasn’t ever satisfied, and I felt I needed the right color in order to feel a certain way about myself.
Wearing makeup all day, everyday. There used to be a time when I couldn’t leave the house without – what I called – my *face* on, aka makeup. And I’m not talking about throwing on a little tinted moisturizer. I gag a little when I think back on all the mornings I spent getting ready for high school and putting my makeup on – oh, the layers and layers of different products – only to sometimes have to remove and reapply because it wasn’t perfect.
I grieve knowing there are still women AND young girls like that, or worse – they literally can’t *function* without it. The whole, “I don’t feel complete” without makeup on. Today, the worst feeling I get is not having chapstick or a hair tie in my bag when I leave the house. I’m more concerned as to whether or not I actually put shoes or pants on!
Listen, there’s a difference between liking makeup (and enjoying it for fun or enhancement) and not feeling good (or *whole*) unless you’re wearing it. Again, I’m not referring to a little concealer to simmer down that bulging zit. But I remember when I first started staying overnight at my husband’s place, I’d wake up before him and have to put on makeup before he could see me. That façade died pretty quick because I realized that was OVERKILL – I mean, whyyyyy would I be with someone who didn’t think I was more beautiful without it?
So, today, I go MORE days without makeup. I’ve literally forgotten I have it, let alone it existing as part of my “getting ready” routine. Even the times I do wear makeup now, it doesn’t FEEL the same, and I end up washing it off as soon as I get home. I feel the most beautiful in the realness of a fresh, clean, imperfect but moisturized face. And my hope is to reach girls of every generation as they see me out in public without my *face* on!
The constant upkeep and drastic measures in the name of “beauty” or “anti-aging”. Unfortunately, these days, *youth* is beautiful. You know what I think the world [media, corporations] is slyly telling us? That aging, or signs of aging, is less beautiful. They’re saying it without saying it. Hence for the multitude of anti-aging commercials.
There’s measures for taking care of your skin, and then there’s measures to prevent or avoid the inevitable. Why aren’t there simply commercials that protest against tanning beds rather than offering a chemical-filled cream to “reverse” your aged skin due to tanning bed use?
When I was 16, I worked part time at a hair salon. I was a hair virgin up until then, and only now do I whole-heartedly believe the many *beauty* trends out there do far more damage than we’re willing to admit. I’d call them addictions at this point, and far too many refuse to break from it in the name of self-care. Regular dying destroyed my hair, and my very short time with acrylic nails – well, my natural nails at the time were destroyed from that, too!
All that stuff was *fun* and seemingly *enjoyable* for a short time, don’t get me wrong, but it was only in my later twenties when I realized it was just a temporary, short-term “fix”. It wasn’t a lasting solution to some problem, and in fact, it all only made me rely on having it done more. This idea of “No pain, no gain” may work for when losing weight, but beauty should NOT be treated that way!
Instead, it PAINS me to see the slew of women who are heavily falling for all the anti-aging regimes, to the point women [today] in their early twenties are blissfully injecting themselves with Botox like it’s a Sunday morning brunch, or filing down perfectly good teeth for veneers. And those are just two examples I see so commonly today.
In one breath, honestly, this really is entirely a “you do you, boo” thing. At the same time, I think it’s important to point out how many drastic and unnecessary measures have infiltrated the Standard of Beauty today.
All I know is that I wouldn’t want to teach my daughter that beauty, or the solution to feeling beautiful, is a butt implant. I also wouldn’t teach that the definition of beauty is about avoiding all signs of aging and fixing every imperfection, because that goes against the beauty of being human.
Buying into over-consumption and materialism. This one, though. If I were to sum up all the above points mentioned into one big clump, then zoom out so the entire thing fits into one big picture, it’s the fact we consciously and subconsciously buy into materialism and the over-consumption of what the world (or media, really) tells us to, as women. Because when we buy into it, we claim we’re taking care of ourselves, and when we think we’re taking care of ourselves…we feel good, until we don’t. Then the cycle repeats itself.
We live in a world where there’s always something new to try or add to your regimen – above all, there’s always something they want you to be insecure about!
For instance, you gotta have the latest everything and the best of the best (and this is constantly changing), or you’re wasting your time. You also need to have this one specific thing that’s the most expensive out of 1,000 products, or you need to have at least 10 different kinds of the same product, otherwise you’re not doing it right. Whether it’s skin care products, makeup, a new phone or expensive car, designer clothing, handbags, shoes – you name it.
Basically, you need to stay in this constant state of needing, wanting and buying into MORE…in order to feel beautiful.
And I said nah-ah, no more. In fact, I started to notice how much worse I felt when I “splurged” or caved into certain material obsessions, like my short-lived – thank God – craze for skimpy, clubbing outfits. My closet was FULL of them, at one point.
As the years went by, I felt my personal “palette” slowly change and it began to feel cramped and cluttered, which made me stressed and out of alignment. Like I was being pulled in two different directions. It took me long enough to realize the clubbing closet HAD TO GO, even though it was strangely difficult to do at first. Many of ya’ll love to throw around your belief in negative energy yet deny the attachment of negative spirits. And that definitely was one.
So, at 30-something I took it a step further and purged even more from my life. I started uncovering this hidden desire to consume less – the less on my plate, the better. Do I still struggle with random, impulsive wants? Absolutely, having certain desires for things are still a real challenge, but I remind myself that consuming more than I need will only show me the superficial things I think I require to feel beautiful (good about myself).
Leading with Lust
Please tread lightly here because this is THE BIG ONE. I am unpacking this one as gently as I possibly can, bearing in mind this is purely my perspective and personal experience. When I say leading with lust, it’s really just a nice way of saying that I no longer have the desire to exude sexiness or sex appeal in order to feel beautiful.
To me, being beautiful and being sexy are two very different things, and I discovered this when searching for my wedding gown. I was often asked repeatedly (by bridal consultants), “What do you want to look like in your dress on your big day?” And I distinctly remember saying, “I want to look beautiful, NOT SEXY.” That obviously meant something to me, at that time, because clearly there was a time when deliberately being, feeling and looking sexy was #goals.
Personally, for me, being and feeling sexy meant [sexually] desirable or arousing. Therefore, it was not my goal to be, look or feel that way on my wedding day!
Sexualizing my *beauty*. This can be a tough read for many, but what does this mean – to sexualize *beauty*? Let me put it in the way I once did, between the ages of 18-22/23 years old. As much as my *style* (clothing, makeup, etc.) then was, yes, a deep sense of self-expression, I also viewed my *beauty* a bit differently and used it to my advantage.
I do partly blame several factors for this, such as environment, upbringing, self-esteem, conditioning (social and societal pressure) through friends and peers my age, puberty (the introduction and fluctuations of arising hormonal changes), *trends*, p*rn*graphy, social networks and media, etc., but at the end of the day this was entirely a mindset I was okay with and more than willing to accept and entertain at the time.
Point blank, at around 18 years old…I started to see and utilized my beauty as an opportunity. I know I shouldn’t need to unpack this further, but think about where we’re at as a society today that openly endorses and even encourages “sex work”, including things like OnlyFans. Because where there’s a market for Farts in a Jar, there’s always someone not only willing to buy but also sell. We don’t even really need to go that far, though. Underneath it all, beauty is sexualized – it’s denial of this that only confirms it more.
I used my beauty as a way to attract boys; let’s be real, here, because adolescent boys don’t like girls and give them attention for their book smarts and personality. And let’s be even more real, many of the boys I secretly liked (or wanted attention from) were often dim wits, “bad boys” in school, or “womanizers” with insanely good looks and charm, even if my heart TRULY was set on a nice, fairly nerdy boyfriend who treated me right.
I also used my beauty to gain the “favor”, “respect”, or “acknowledgement” of others; for instance, proper use would make teachers take me more seriously, or so I thought. Most of the time this only exposed the perverted minds and intentions of adults.
Again, I saw beauty as opportunity – it’s what got me IN. That’s right, it got me into the 21 and up bars when I wasn’t. I gained the attention of certain cliques of girls – it was their superficial way of saying, “Oh, hey! You’re physically attractive so you can hang out with us!” And, YES, my beauty definitely served me in a job interview that, thankfully, I turned down.
Anyway, at 34 I can’t UNSEE how much of our world is being sexualized, including beauty, and the masses going along with it. With that, and being married, many of my personal beliefs and values have also shifted. This means the power I have is separating myself from societal norm, its *trends* and conditioning.
