How to find closure from a past relationship and move on

Closure – it’s all about the ‘what’ and ‘why’ of uncertainty in an attempt to fix or control the outcome or ending of a relationship. The wanting to know what you did wrong, what you could do or could have done different, what changed so substantially or abruptly, why you weren’t given the time of day or second chance, why they didn’t have the decency to do or say this or that instead of calling it quits and why you weren’t worth the effort or simply enough?

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The thing is, it no longer matters what changed or what went wrong. Fixing and making amends is past expiration. Yet you are worth the time of day and the second chance. And you are enough.

You are more than enough – that means you already have all the closure you need.

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How to find closure from a past relationship and move on

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allow yourself to really feel

Don’t skip and jump 20 steps ahead – including moving onto the next relationship in hopes it will fix or rescue you, and make all the pain magically disappear (or like it never happened). Give yourself the decency to grieve without self-judgment, shame, guilt, or avoidance. Because trust me, that shit is likely to hit you twice over down the road when you least expect it.

Your feelings are normal – they are encouraged – as they are meant to help you in the process of healing. Don’t try to ignore, avoid or drown them out with something(or someone) else. You can talk with a friend (who creates a safe emotional space) and find an outlet that will support you in this process, such as The Power of Letting Go by John Purkiss, Whole Again by Jackson Mackenzie or How to Date Men When You Hate Men by Blythe Roberson.

figure out what it is you are after (that you didn’t receive or get answered), then ask yourself one final question

First, ask yourself why you are seeking closure, then start pin-pointing what it is exactly you need in order to move on. Again, without any judgment, guilt, or shame.

Are you wanting to hear that the person stopped loving you, found someone else or wasn’t on the same wavelength of commitment as you? Is any answer ever truly enough? Could it be possible your need for closure is out of desperation to win them back? Maybe, instead of closure, you’re really aiming for an opportunity to inflict the very pain you were dealt onto them?

Whatever it be, just know that the primary goal is usually emotional validity. Nobody enjoys feeling the pain of a breakup, especially one where it seems you were left on a cliff-hanger, but if you understand the core desire of closure you will realize it is really only something you can give yourself and be willing to accept on your own.

When you do have the answers to those first two questions, then ask yourself this:

“Why am I depending on someone to the point of placing the validation of my worth in their hands?“

write it all down, then release the pain in a symbolic way

Sometimes getting your side of the story out there – in form, aloud or on paper – allows you to validate your reality and your entire experience. And you can do this without ever actually having an interaction. You can write down, in a letter, everything you felt and wanted to say when maybe you couldn’t, reliving the final moments of the relationship from your perspective. It is up to you whether you actually send it – hopefully well thought out – but the purpose is to show you that closure doesn’t strictly need restoration from others.

Once written, read aloud or to yourself in the mirror as if speaking to them, then in a symbolic way (that is meaningful and impacting to you) release it. Burn it, pour water over it or rip it into tiny little fragments.

There are many ways you can do this other than writing a letter – you can paint a picture, write or record a song or make a video. This method of self-liberation is about being able to let go and put the past behind you.

remove the reminders, old ways and destructive patterns from your life

Closure also means being able to complete that ongoing, run-on sentence – with a big, fat PERIOD. And you will really struggle to do that if you have too many things reminding you of its existence and fixed place in your life. Some of these things are behaviors and patterns you instilled over the course of the relationship or from the breakup.

You can start by ridding yourself of the most obvious – deleting his number, removing him as a friend on social media (block him if need be) and getting rid of mementos, gifts and other items you inherited from your partner. Sorry, but these no longer serve you.

Then refrain from enabling yourself to wallow in your sorrows, or finding any and every excuse to use the breakup as a scapegoat. You are entitled to grieve, yes – take the time you absolutely need – but enabling grief is one of those destructive patterns that can slow or reverse the healing process.

be willing to accept sole responsibility for yourself and your happiness

It’s no one else’s job, nor are they you. Not receiving closure is still closure – just like the saying, “No response is still a response,” – where it is your responsibility to do with what information you’re given. Because the truth is, no one is expected to give you anything – not even closure.

For a brief period I dated someone I met online – it lasted a grand total duration of about 3 months – where in the end he felt he couldn’t continue what was started. Long story short, though he never said it directly, it was obvious he just couldn’t commit. No explanation needed.

Though some time later – a few weeks – he reached out in hopes to reconcile face-to-face and talk – he blatantly said he wanted to “get together”. So we arranged a date, but when that day came I never heard from him. I do remember sending him a message, though I can’t remember exactly what, but I do know it was something along the lines of, “That’s what I thought.” Needless to say I didn’t have high expectations of him.

But I didn’t need a response or explanation. You could even say he ghosted me. Yet I carried enough dignity and worth to understand that he was simply showing me how little value he could offer in my life. I didn’t need it. And I wasn’t about to let that dictate my happiness, my value, and my worth. That was my closure – case closed.

take the steps to forgive (including yourself)

Forgiveness is being able to hold all the unpleasant emotions someone caused you in your hand and say, “These aren’t mine to carry,” before throwing them in the trash. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the person who brought about that unpleasantness, excusing their words, actions, or behaviors, deeming someone else responsible for your feelings and making amends, or even reconciliation at all.

It is solely about you and your peace. Only you can allow someone to influence, impact, or destroy that peace, and you are also responsible for healing and restoring it – regardless of whether or not someone wants your forgiveness.

So just know this, your peace is far more important than someone else’s choices. They’ll have to be the one to live with the consequences, but you can choose not to. Now that’s power.

rediscover yourself

Hell, you know what? Instead of seeking closure, seek rebirth.

Rediscover yourself – fall in love with YOU, and mend the relationship with your inner child. After all, when we’re seeking closure it’s because our wounded inner child is crying out for help when no one would listen.

Rediscover your needs, your wants, and your desires – show your inner child the (self)love it has been missing. Maybe that’s getting back into exercising, eating right, or taking that much-needed personal time off work. Pick up a new hobby, make some new friends, step out of your comfort zone, or embrace peace in life’s innate complacency.

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