Without even realizing it, we engage in behavior that corrodes our relationships slowly over time from day one. This is likely inevitable – reversible, but inevitable. We might see this corrosion as security, contentment or a sense of complete comfort with our spouse. What we fail to believe is that we are allowing the relationship to run on the bare minimum. Harsh, but true when the weathering of complacency persists. The key is implementing small adjustments to your routine in order to avoid complacency in marriage before it starts.

The problem with complacency is that it is such a slow process we hardly notice until it begins to wear down the marriage. It can lead to feelings of loneliness, bitterness, resentment and disconnection, while also changing our attitude toward the relationship and our spouse.

For the wives out there, if you’re going through this lull – I feel with you. I, too, have spent time in the ups and downs. We must embrace the hills and valleys of marriage proactively instead of ignoring or fearing it.

avoid complacency in marriage

[7 simple fixes to Help reverse it]

ignite the “spark”

With all that life throws our way, we can’t expect romance to be on full flame 24/7/365 – with jobs, kids and busy tiresome schedules. Plus, let’s be honest – in complacency the passion and romance is usually the first aspect to fizzle. That doesn’t mean once it’s gone that it’s forever lost.

I believe life is only trying to show us what’s important and that we need to achieve balance.

While the spark may have once been seemingly effortless, just because its light dims doesn’t mean the fire has burnt out. Re-igniting the spark may require a conscious effort and planning, or setting aside the time for connecting on that emotional/romantic level. Romance isn’t always going to be effortless, and it may not even be the same as you once thought it was at 18, 22 or 30.

Ah, young love – the glory days. If I told my husband I wanted him to stand outside late at night to throw rocks at our bedroom window, and call that romance, he’d call me straight CRAZY. That’s besides the point – I was 18 and considered that romance. Over the course of 10 years my perception of romance has since shifted (many times), even more so after getting married.

Start by doing the little things – love notes, a small gift or treat, compliments, a long unexpected kiss and embrace, or be more flirtatious. Make time and sacrifices for the bigger things – such as sex. Routinely making excuses to push it lower and lower on the priority list is only going to cause you and your spouse to treat and feel there are aspects of the marriage that no longer matter.

[Related Read: 11 Ways To Spark A Lifelong Romance ]

consciously go above and beyond

If you know your spouse’s love language, then this knowledge makes it much easier when making a conscious effort to give your spouse what they need to feel loved. In complacency, we tend to place our own needs above our spouse’s. Sometimes it is the complete opposite – forgetting our own needs entirely – meaning we have lost the importance and purpose of self care in marriage.

As stated above, marriage isn’t effortless. Receiving the benefits isn’t always going to come without the work put in (at times putting in the work with no return). Keeping tabs and counting the wrongs is not what marriage intended.

A healthy, happy marriage isn’t what you find – it’s what you make. When there is complacency in marriage, we may naturally succumb to a negative attitude – I being someone who falls into that category. We may often lose sight of hope or any reason to make an effort if what once made the marriage thrive has faded.

We tend to treat complacency as an inevitable downward slippery slope in marriage. When that’s only the case if we continue to allow it. What we don’t realize is that Love is ever-changing. You as a person are ever-changing, just as your spouse. Marriage is working and growing through those ever-changes together, as well as making a conscious effort to go above and beyond what we feel.

Because marriage isn’t about what we feel at all – it’s about what we do. It’s about making the conscious choice to love our spouse (the way they desire, not the way you desire).

don’t just be partners – be best friends

One of the very reasons I married my husband. He makes me laugh (like stomach hurting, can’t catch my breath laugh), I can be my very weird and sometimes raunchy self (knowing he, too, is very much the same way) and like best friends there are no secrets (we can literally tell each other annnything).

So ask yourself: Do you think you share the same qualities in your friendships as you do with your spouse? While the terms partnership and friendship may seem to have subtle similarities, many marriages actually lack the qualities of friendship aside from partnership.

Now, my husband and I are not perfect by any means. We have our own battles, a share of differences and don’t agree on everything. Same goes for friendships, although it would seem that we are more unconditionally accepting in our external friendships. Meaning, I could care less that Sally-Sue is messy and leaves her house a complete disaster. BUT, I’m also not married to Sally-Sue – if we we’re roommates that might be a different story.

The point here is the importance of blending aspects of partnership and friendship in marriage, and that complacency can be an indicator of a lack in the qualities of friendship. If we were to think about the qualities of a “best friend“, we might say there is a deep level of understanding, communication, trust, priority, openness and vulnerability, acceptance, reliability, accountability, nurture, commonality and shared interests.

Sure, do I think a partnership embeds many if not all of those qualities? Absolutely, but there is also a level of separation between the two. A partnership is about blending, compromising and unifying differences while utilizing those qualities in working as a team. It is also the area in marriage that can cause the most discomfort and conflict. When focusing too much on the partnership of a marriage, the qualities of friendship can often be neglected.

Even I can admit that.

I’m extremely guilty of losing sight of how important our differences are, how they make us truly compatible and instead viewing them as intolerable at times. As much as I don’t really want to be the one to say it, there are times when a partnership can feel much like politics. Such as when we are talking about marital duties, gender roles, household duties, child rearing and handling the finances.

That is why it is so important to have a balance of friendship and partnership – too much of either side won’t make a marriage thrive.

In friendship, Love isn’t the only significance – you actually have to like each other. You know, enjoying the company of their presence, to anticipate spending quality time together as well as sharing commonality and similar interests. Much like the way you would treat a friend – we should be willing to do all the same with our spouse. We need to be more gentle (with compassion in our words), to have transparency in marriage regarding vulnerability, trust and honesty, to be more considerate of our spouse’s feelings (aside from our own), having their best interest at heart and to be more forgiving.

Marriage may be a contract on paper, but we need not to treat it solely like a business deal, and complacency can make it feel that way.

guard date night with your life

Plan it, schedule it – make.it.a.habit – like brushing your teeth. Pick a day each week/month, put it on the calendar and take pride in that time. Do not ever, ever cancel or reschedule (except under emergency purposes, you know, because I have to say that).

Stop letting money be the factor, lack of time being the excuse or exhaustion being your go-to out. Most couples seem to fall into complacency the moment they simply stop dating one another or setting aside quality time together. Date night when you were dating is half of what created those giddy feelings of anticipation in the first place, right? So why stop doing the things that brought you both so close together in the beginning?

Exactly.

socialize together with other happy couples

There are two parts to this that are equally important. Socializing in a group setting together, as well as engaging with other happy couples.

OK, so it isn’t top on my list to spend the quality time I get with my husband along with other couples, but it may be a great contender for those dealing with complacency. I do enjoy a good group date every now and then, and I firmly believe group interactions can help reverse complacency in marriage.

When I said too much of one thing isn’t always good – sometimes we may have to consider that too much quality time one-on-one can be the culprit.

There have been times where my husband and I ended a group date or group outing and the mood in our marriage suddenly shifted like the tectonic plates (in a good way). It was like the fog opened up and we were able to see the positive qualities in one another more clearly simply by interacting with other couples.

No, this is not by comparison – this is where my other point comes into play. Notice I said “happy couples“.

You know what will help inspire a happy, healthy marriage? Surrounding yourselves with other happy couples. Mind you, a couple who is facing complacency does not necessarily fit into the “unhappy couple” category. Couples go through lulls and rough patches – this does not spell toxicity or unhappiness in marriage.

Avoid those who are on the verge of separation/divorce, have been going through tough times of hardship or have little or no positive impact or influence on your marriage. This is huge.

Look, I’m all about being there in support of friends during their time of need (in their marriage), but I am also a believer in that marital issues should remain private rather than involving others. When it comes to the expense of your marriage (or when you’re treading through a rough patch of your own) it isn’t worth the risk being deeply involved in other toxic relationships.

All in all, make your own judgement as to the couples you choose to spend time with together, and do so wisely.

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reflect on the marriage often

Do you discuss the quality of your marriage with your spouse? Whether good or bad – I think it’s important to reflect and discuss what is or isn’t working effectively and what can be improved. I mean, you are spending a lifetime with this one person (til DEATH do you part, need I remind you) so you might as well be comfortable and capable of discussing the quality of life in your marriage.

While I’m not saying not reflecting on the marriage causes complacency (though it very well could), I do think making it a habit to discuss the blueprints and construction (of your marriage) on a regular basis can help strengthen emotional intimacy, closeness and affirmation. Think of it as keeping the knot tight with the goal of being on the same page.

When treating your spouse’s personal happiness as important as your own this can close gabs of doubt, fear, guilt and unmet needs, making the marriage a safe haven for change, growth, opportunity and improvement.

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routinely make it a topic of discussion

Have you ever simply talked about marital complacency with your spouse? Rather… how important it is to you?

Sometimes even the shortest conversation with my husband on a pivotal topic can make the biggest impact. There are even subjects within our marriage we routinely discuss – since there are areas we tend to slip and neglect repeatedly over time. We all have our weaknesses and we can’t expect perfection – only growth.

There is nothing wrong with staying on your marriage A-game! 

Make it a habit to talk about complacency with your spouse, what you think is the cause and more importantly have a solution to reversing it. We forget how easy it can be to nip something in the bud before it starts if we aim to be more open to discussing the inevitable turmoil a marriage endures.