You’ve made it here because you, 1. find the Holidays to be stressful and chaotic (particularly when it comes to meeting the demands of pleasing those around you) or 2. struggle with the shame and guilt of setting Holiday boundaries (with family and loved ones) in order to avoid or eliminate that stress and chaos (which ultimately ends up ADDING to it).
Yeah, you and me both. You, me, and MILLIONS of other people – trust me. Ever so slowly, more each and every year, I am realizing that the Holidays continue to prove to be the result of ongoing generational and cultural conditioning. They’re an audition – a performance, if you will. And those with more flexible traditions tend to be the ones who bend (or self-neglect in order to “keep the peace“) over those with more tight, strict traditions. Either way, each side usually ends up resenting the other at some point.
Moreover, I’ve learned that family loyalty is no good reason to continue neglecting and violating your limits for the sake of maintaining the comfort of others. And this hit me the first time I had to WORK on Thanksgiving Day, and endure the negative reaction from my parents. “BuT iT’s ThAnKsGiViNg. Now I have to set back the time we normally eat by THREE WHOLE HOURS. ThE aUdAcItY!” Then I got married – to a partner who also worked random Holidays – so not only did the dynamic change overall but yet again I endured similar remarks.
You might say generations after generations, people take the Holidays way. too. seriously…and literally. We have already stolen and essentially romanticized the two major Holidays as it is. So no wonder setting boundaries for a singular day (that is so hyped up on steroids) out of 365 days can be EXCRUCIATING. Yet the stress you endure lasts the entire season – 3 months, give or take.
TBH, if the Holiday season requires you to compromise the peace in your heart – to be ridden with stress, obligation, shame, and guilt – that isn’t a Holiday, nor is it “the best time of year.” So if you’re looking for validation and affirmation in taking a stand for your sanity, let alone your wants and needs, then you’ve stumbled upon the right post.
45 Holiday boundaries for letting go of the *guilt*
You don’t have to “go the distance”
Who says you have to fly across the country or spend half the day driving to and fro for the Holidays to have value? Who decided that? Well, guess who has the power to undecide that? That’s like saying you can’t love someone from afar because that’s a total lie. And you definitely don’t need to go the distance or jump through hoops year after year in order to prove your love or loyalty, either.
Boundary examples
“I will not be flying in for Thanksgiving.“
“I can’t get off work for Christmas this year, so I won’t be making it to the family gathering.“
“I don’t like driving home after dark on a busy Holiday travel day, which means I will be leaving early while there is still light.“
“We’ve decided that we’re exhausted from going place to place like we did last year, so this year we’re only going to visit one household.“
“Since we’re coming from three hours away, I will not be bringing food.“
In fact, staying home [alone] doesn’t make you an abomination
The expectation of people to travel, let alone go from place to place for a single DAY is insane as is. Besides, not everyone has the luxury of taking off work or sacrificing vacation time to spend a week with family, Home Alone style. Aside from the damper on Holiday “normalcy” the last two years, there’s already such a negative stigma around staying home for the Holidays. And it’s likely even worse now. It’s usually labeled as Betrayal. So allow me to say it once: you’re not betraying your family by not wanting to partake in Thanksgiving or Christmas, and it definitely shouldn’t subject you to punishment. Sometimes you just need a year off, you know? That doesn’t make you a terrible person.
If you simply don’t want to attend the infamous Christmas Eve party this year – don’t. If you can’t fathom having to visit several different families in one day, shoving down food from each and making awkward conversation with those you never see or speak to otherwise (other than liking their pictures on Facebook) – don’t force yourself simply because “it’s the right thing to do”.
If you gleam for a split second at the simple thought of going nowhere other than being in the comfort of your own home (whatever that means to you) for the Holidays – that’s more than OKAY.
Boundary examples
“Mulitple visits in one day are exhausting, so I want to stay home this year.“
“I’m not comfortable visiting the family [yet] this year.” or “I don’t feel safe getting together.“
“We won’t be spending Christmas morning at your house – we are planning to have the kids open presents in our home, just the [x] of us.“
“There’s a lot of unresolved tension between us right now, and I feel it is best that I spend the Holidays reflecting alone this year.“
“My partner and I have decided to do our own tradition this year..[*optional*] so we will not be joining in on the festivities.“
Nobody can force you to host other than you
If you’re sick of hosting or don’t want to host one year, nobody can make you. You are not obligated. Not by your mother’s guilt trip or your mother-in-law’s manipulative speech about how it was her “wifely” duty to host for her in-laws. So stop allowing your ego to convince you your worth lies in how you perform, or by winning the approval of your parents and in-laws. Your value doesn’t come from being the best host/entertainer, decorator, homemaker or housekeeper, planner, or cook, and you certainly don’t need to attain their respect by honoring and upholding THEIR traditions (expectations). And the fact they’re going the length to guilt you into it speaks volumes, which sets you up to normalize and partake in the same behavior toward your family down the road. *Shut this down while you’re ahead.
You’re also entitled to having and setting your own rules/guidelines if you are someone who does enjoy hosting but is overwhelmed by certain aspects of it. Maybe that means no alcohol (or BYOB), no kids (under a certain age), or a specific timeframe (guests must leave by 8pm). Maybe you’re gung-ho for hosting, but you’re losing your patience over your parents trying to take control and make last-minute changes, or you’re tired of always having to host the same Holiday year after year.
Boundary examples
“I will not be hosting Christmas dinner this year.“
“While I appreciate the offer/suggestion, we’ve decided that we want to have Thanksgiving at home, as a family, just the [x] three of us.“
“As much as we enjoyed hosting last year, I don’t want to open up my home this year.“
“I will host Thanksgiving this year. With that said, I will not be supplying alcohol, so everyone will need to BYOB.“
“Hosting is just not my thing. I would be more than happy to spend the Holidays together in any other way that we can.“
Holiday traditions are not meant to be conforming, but evolving
By “going against” the very traditions (Holiday expectations) your parents instilled and upheld from their childhood and yours, and subconsciously expecting you to continue to abide, their reaction to not getting what they want (and expected) is absolutely no surprise. Especially not today, as more and more people are branching away from the societal and cultural norm. Hence for the use of the common phrases like, “The Holidays is about family and being together…it’s ONE DAY a year…this is “family tradition”…it’s the Holidays – you can’t just have it “your way” and “do what you want” all the time.“
The beauty about the Holidays being each and every year is that you make your own rules, traditions, and schedule. And you decide what and when it changes. You also get to choose what passed down traditions resonate with you and do away with the ones that don’t, as well as to create your own and the meaning they have. They don’t need to fit or mold to anyone else’s, regardless of whether your family does that silly Christmas morning pajama photoshoot every year. If you want no more part in it, you don’t need a reason.
Boundary examples
“No, I will not be getting a tree or putting one up for the Holidays. I want to live more sustainably, and neither supports that lifestyle.“
“I will be raising my kids to know that Santa is fiction and not the reason for the season.“
“Christmas Day we are spending as a family – just the [x] three of us. If you would like to spend time together, we are available Christmas Eve.“
“We will not be doing presents this year. Instead, we are giving experiences.“
“We don’t believe in going out to eat for Thanksgiving. Is there another way/day we can get together to celebrate the Holiday?“
“I respect that you want to do Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, but we will not be partaking in church service with you.“
“I see the meaning of Christmas as something different, so I don’t believe in contributing to [that, those] tradition(s).“
You are in charge of how you spend your time, energy and money
When, where and how much. Nobody, not even family, is entitled to any of it. And unfortunately, the Holidays has become one big sort of a spectacle. A material spectacle at that, where many things seem to be based on the level of effort, amount of money, and sacrifice in time, where the bar always seems to be set so unrealistically high. Unreachably high, in fact, right?
No more. From now on, you set the bar when it comes to your time, energy and spending. Know and respect your limits without the permission of others.
Boundary examples
“I’m enjoying spending time with you [all], but I need a break to myself.“
“I’m feeling overwhelmed being around everyone all the time – I need some space.“
“This is my budget for the Holidays. So unless you’re willing to help, I’m not going to exceed that.“
“I can’t afford to get everyone gifts.“
“I can only contribute $50 to the white elephant gift exchange.“
“I can come for Christmas Eve brunch, but that’s all I have time for.“
“I want to swing by to visit, but I have plans to spend the day [ice skating, putting up the tree].“
“I don’t have the means or equipment to make that dish – is there something else I can bring?“
Eat whatever, as much or as little as you want or don’t
It mind boggles me how much FOOD has become the CENTER for many, if not most of the stress around the Holidays. I kid you not, it’s as if the food completely dictates and controls the superficiality of the Holidays. There’s candy on Halloween, turkey and pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving, then cookies, candy canes, eggnog, and candied yams for Christmas.
Just three straight months of absolute gorging – food, food, food. And, again, auditioning (hosting, cooking, serving, and eating). And yet I can’t believe there are actually boundaries necessary surrounding THE FOOD. It’s absurd. So from now on, let’s keep this really simple: stay in your lane, and inform others that step outside of theirs.
Boundary examples
“I am/went vegetarian/vegan, so I don’t eat meat. Thank you for offering / But I appreciate you taking the time to contribute to Thanksgiving dinner.“
“I don’t care for [brussel sprouts], and I don’t want to eat them. Please respect my preferences.“
“The dessert looks delicious, but I am [cutting back on sugar, allergic to nuts].“
“I don’t need seconds – thank you for offering.” or “I don’t need/appreciate your input as to why I ate/didn’t eat seconds.“
“I am already full, and I don’t want to stuff myself uncomfortably.“
“I don’t have the means to make dishes from scratch. How can we make this work?“
“I don’t want to try [that], please don’t ask me again.“
“I don’t appreciate you judging what I made. If you don’t like it, don’t eat it.“
“I will not be making any more side dishes than what I told you I would bring.“
You don’t need a reason to remove yourself from the source
Whether that be ending the unwanted interrogation from your Aunt about why you aren’t married yet or leaving the gathering before food is served (because you’re on a strict diet or don’t plan on eating there). If the source is your drunk father, that creepy, pushy cousin, divisive family controversy, unnecessary drama, or the feeling of having to extend outside or beyond your means, you don’t need to stick around in compliance to seem “agreeable”, easy-going, or accommodating.
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]Boundary examples
“I don’t want to talk politics. Let’s talk about something else for one night.” -> “If you can’t drop politics, I’m walking away from the conversation.“
“I’m not comfortable being around you when you’re belligerent drunk.” -> “If you continue drinking or make a scene, I’m leaving.“
“I can’t come early to help set up / I can’t stay late to help clean up.“
“We told the sitter we’d be back by 9pm, so it’s time for us to go.“
“I have somewhere else to be after this, so I’m going to have to leave, but I appreciate the invite.“
“I didn’t come here to be pulled into the middle of drama. I want nothing to do with it, and if you can’t leave me out of it then I will leave.“
“I know more people just showed up and you’d like for me to stick around, but it’s getting late, I am exhausted, and I’m ready to go.“
