For the women looking for a man who will commit

**This one’s for the ladies, who are looking for a readily committed man.

Let’s talk deal breakers – HIS deal-breakers, for those actually invested in finding and being in a committed relationship. I know, as a woman wanting to find commitment, I had some fairly strict deal breakers myself – the majority of men I stumbled across would have likely called me every name in the book.

But I call that the process of elimination – and I didn’t even have to do any of the work!

Again, I’m talking about men who are possibly visualizing marriage or an exclusive future with someone. So, sure, I think these relationship deal breakers might be a little hard to swallow for the sensitive-hearted, since no one is perfect, and especially if you don’t fit every single bullet point.

But if you live with the mindset to always strive to do better, then you’re already ahead and that’s what counts.

Now being married, I realized the direction I needed to take in order to allow the right one to come along, and what routinely sent me away in heartache years ago.

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For the women looking for a man who will commit

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Have your sh** together, or at least in the right direction

In all seriousness, with the exception of a minority (because there always is one), if there’s one turn off that keeps circling back around it’s the lack of ambition.

It’s not necessarily how much money you bring to the table, or the kind of job you have (I say that with contingency), but how much effort you are putting forth to your own life.

And I’m not one to talk – I never lived on my own, and I didn’t have the greatest job to support me independently when I met my husband. I was finishing up my degree, living with my parents, and working a less-than-qualified paying job to pay for college. But, there’s always a silver lining, and hey… I was looking for someone who saw the value I saw in myself. I carried over zero debt in my name. I had a pretty good hand at being fiscally responsible with the money I was making (even if it wasn’t much), as well as living within my means (I chose to live with my parents rather than requiring the independence and living paycheck to paycheck).

Granted, many would say I’m privileged (in some ways, maybe, but in a larger scale I would tell someone to shove it where the sun don’t shine) but in actuality, I made choices that put me in a safe, stable position. Some would call that weak, dependent and lazy – whatever.

But I can’t stress this enough – it’s not about what you’re doing or how much you make, but where you’re going and what’re you doing with what you have. If you’re struggling to pay rent and put food on the table, meanwhile racking up credit card debt in the things you don’t need, sorry but any responsible, established and mature man will take note.

He may not expect you to have a play-by-play for the next 5 years of your life or making the money to support a rich, lavish lifestyle, but having basic life skills will get you extra bonus points. Like having motivation toward your future, having set goals and aspirations, being a hard worker and caring for your value and wellbeing as a person is a really good start.

Let the party phase mostly be a thing in the past

Ladies, I know you just want to have fun.

But the every weekend thing at your favorite club or bar with your sorority sisters has got to come to a screeching halt.

Notice in the title I said “mostly“. So hold your breath.

If you’re not looking for a long term commitment then, by all means, ignore this post entirely.

I’m not saying the occasional party or night out needs to fizzle – we’re all entitled to fun, a stress release and time with our friends. But a committed man does not want to learn that you get belligerent drunk at college parties, or post up at the club with your girlfriends every weekend or multiple nights a week.

As if you have important business to take care of that should be going toward your relationship.

I’ve heard far too often from the horse’s mouth, “She goes out partying too much for me“, as one major reason he won’t pursue that relationship.

Hey, if you happen to find that person who likes to have a good time as much as you in that way, then GOOD for you. But maybe it’s just me… when you’re truly ready to commit, other life priorities will naturally become more of your focus than the frequent nights out. 

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The past is the past, and you need to resolve your inner battles

I’m talking drama. Like EX relations, party mishaps or unresolved drama with your BFF.

No matter how old you are, there will some sort of drama in your life, but the pettiness from high school or college – like the [your roommate Becky slept with your on and off boyfriend] thing you still cling to – needs to be in your past, and stay there.

If you got beef with everyone, and I mean everyone – whether that be from your job, ex-boyfriends, friends, family or a complete stranger – something else is up, and that beef will likely devour the relationship as well. And he knows it.

It’s time to move on from the negativity that shouldn’t dictate your life. It happened back then for a reason, now the years forward and the next guy shouldn’t have to pay for it.

Any guy, for that matter, doesn’t want to invest in someone with a constant negative outlook or thrives off being in the center of social chaos.  A readily committed man doesn’t have the time or energy to waste fighting the battles you seem to easily pick or can’t stop provoking.

You better be rid of any cling-ons

If you’re still talking to or on and off with that EX, you need to make one of two choices: finish what obviously isn’t over, or completely put an end to it.

Meaning, delete his number – end all communication whatsoever.

Even if you have multiple guys circulating under your belt, you need to start flushing those out. For “casual dating“, meaning you aren’t invested in finding a relationship, that may be fine. The guy who is looking for a committed relationship doesn’t want to find out you still have three side hustles in your back pocket.

If you’re truly ready for a committed relationship, it’s about choosing one person to give your time and attention to, getting to know them fully and doing so without keeping your options open for something better to come along.

Get your act right

What’s your rap sheet like?

If you’ve been in trouble with the law (and I mean more than a parking ticket – unless you’ve got a log of unpaid violations), been fired multiple times (say, because of your short fuse in the workplace), or have a bad reputation as far as your past relationships (maybe you’ve been deceitful and unfaithful in the past), its time you start reevaluating your behavior, ethics and life choices.

It’s not a positive note to know you’ve done jail time for a D.U.I, have been fired from three jobs due to aggression with your boss or co-workers or have an extensive list of short-term failed relationships. Those are all red flags, especially for a mature, committed man.

You may think I’m kidding myself. Unfortunately there comes a point where accountability rules who you attract in your love life.

Stop comparing him to your EX, or other relationships

Everyone is so guilty of this – even I. This alone can poison any relationship. Avoid bringing up things your EX did better, or all the cutsy, romantic things your best friend’s boyfriend does for her in their relationship.

Guys get it – when you point out stuff like that, it’s because you have expectations, needs, desires, wants and wishes. They can also already guess you’ve been burned by your previous relationships – there’s no need to test whether or not he is honest and faithful, or continually express your worry that he will turn out like the last one.

And just because you aren’t voicing your frustrations out loud, when you consume your thoughts around other people’s relationships, or have yet to fully let go of the pain someone else caused, it will eventually come through in your actions and attitude.

Besides, how does comparing relationships give him any shot at making you happy?

Don’t give up your entire being for him

You’ve won him – but that doesn’t mean your entire normal routine has to completely change. A real man will be immediately turned off to know a girl is willingly and actively giving up her entire life for him (this is also a catalyst for becoming “needy”, or “clingy”). I’m talking about the girl who opens up her entire schedule in order to suit his – forgetting all aspects of her own life in the process.

Every once in a while he will be flattered that you took off a half day from work to spend the afternoon together, or cancelled a plan in order to see one another for the first time in weeks, but making it habit screams “desperate“. These are dating habits that will inevitably kill your love life – read more on how to eliminate them. Any readily committed man prefers you to also have your own life – not drop every moment of it on the dime.

You also don’t need to spend every waking minute together, or be in constant contact, either. There’s a reason you both have separate lives, and it’s important to remember that distance makes the heart grow fonder.  If you’re together or in contact all.the.time, eventually you’ll end up with nothing to talk about. At that point, what else is left in the relationship besides the physical? And everyone and their mother should know that’s the worst thing a committed relationship should solely depend on.

So give a little distance; try going the extra mile by not texting throughout the day, or every day, and watch the romance spark the next time you’re together. Space in a relationship DOES NOT mean “We’re disconnected if we’re not in contact all the time”, or “If he isn’t contacting me all day, every day, he could be tempted to contact someone else”. A mature man doesn’t believe in that concept, and respects the fact that there are boundaries and other priorities in our lives within a healthy, genuine relationship.

You have too high of expectations too soon

I don’t mean the expectation that he should have a job, a car to get from A to B, a place of his own, or being emotionally stable (like, he’s 1000% over his last relationship).  Those are all great standards to have in dating (read more on the difference between having high standards and being high maintenance in your relationships), but far too many women have a timeline expectation that is dished far too early in the game.

I’m talking about the timeline of milestones – like the engagement, marriage, and starting a family. When these go beyond the title of aspiration and into full throttle expectations too soon, or when it is blatantly not mutual, it can be daunting to any readily committed man.

Granted, you’re hitting 30 – you’re convinced that your biological clock is ticking or sputtering signs of menopause – and you feel absurdly behind. In no way, shape or form does that mean any and every man is ready to adhere to your lifelong demands on your time.

The fact that you feel you need a rock on your finger, to be fitted in your wedding gown and have a bun in the oven like yesterday should never be placed on the shoulders of someone else to fulfill.

Remember the term, “Love is patient.”

Love and partnership is itself its own aspiration, and should never be used as a quick gateway to fulfilling other aspirations. But if you’re wanting a meaningful relationship based on knowing, respecting and understanding each other, and building that forever kind of love – release this mindset of expectations to have immediately!