Like in any relationship, there are also marriage deal breakers. Serious couples who are “in love” aren’t just jumping into marriage or getting engaged because of all the “feels”.
It’s not about tolerating one another, yearning for one another’s attention or great sex. It’s compatibility – the will to empathize, understand, compromise, communicate, instill trust, and undivided support.
Healthy couples who intend to reach the next step in their relationship (the I Do for the rest of their lives) know there are tough talks to have in order to fulfill that commitment.
9 Marriage deal breakers “serious” couples discuss
To have children, or not
Do you want to have children? Does your SO want to have children? How many do each of you want? What is your ideal timeline starting a family?
This is a topic that should come up in question fairly early on in relationships. Whether you want young ones in your future or not, if your SO wants the opposite of you – where does the relationship go from there?
Parenthood can become a major compromise, especially with the fact the mind can quickly change, as well as other factors in life that get in the way of starting a family. It’s important to be able to understand what your partner wants (as their opinion matters just as much as your own), and either be able to accept or move on from what you can’t change.
If it’s your life long goal to have kids of your own, yet your SO wants nothing to do with children, you cannot and should not remain invested with the idea of hoping to ‘change‘ your SO.
[Related Read: Signs He Is The One (How You Will Really Know For Sure)]
Cheating & monogamy
Cheating – this unfortunate behavior is either a hit or miss. You are either one who can forgive and forget, or files for divorce on the spot. Some aren’t even sure what they would truly do in that situation – I guess it entirely depends on the nature of the relationship.
If cheating is a deal breaker for you and labeled as unconceivable in your relationship, it is important to relay that information to your SO. Some couples have even narrowed their aspects of cheating in a monogamous relationship down to sub-categories other than sex – such as temptation, flirting, and emotional affairs.
Luckily my husband and I share similar beliefs and values when it comes to monogamy and infidelity, and this is a topic we are open to discussing in our marriage.
If you and your SO do not have matching values and opinions on infidelity and monogamy, it’s important to know what can and cannot be tolerated together as a couple, and individually.
[Related Read: Cheating on your partner doesn’t start in the bedroom]
Money
Will you get joint accounts? Who will stay on top of the bills? Will there be one or two household incomes?
Every couple in and around my circle are financially different. Some have joint accounts, some don’t. Some share a joint yet have a separate personal account. Some share a credit card but have separate savings/checking accounts. Some keep money separate entirely but mutually agree on a monthly “fun money” allowance in order to stay on track of savings. Some have one person pay all of the bills, some pay their bills separately. Some live on one household income, some two.
The point is you may not always agree on how you want your money to be managed as a married couple. I’m a firm believer in that if you’re married, it’s not just my money or his money, but ours – whether you have joint accounts, two incomes, one who makes more than the other, or not.
For me, having a joint account is a traditional symbolic gesture, coming together in union as one. It is also common in case of the death of a loved one, where you would not have to refer to a will or legal system to get access to that money. Another reason for a joint account is for easy tracking of expenses and savings goals. Less usernames and passwords to remember and your money is all in one place – win, win.
A drawback of joint accounts is the lack of financial independence, which I can totally relate to. It was difficult to transition from having a full time job, where I brought in a fairly decent income, to quitting my job to start a side gig that I loved and making next to nothing. It can feel a little depleting to feel like I no longer contribute or have financial sufficiency on my own.
BUT, I wanted a joint account because I’m so heart-stricken by tradition, and with my husband being more financially savvy than I it only made sense. And besides, I fully entrust in him with our money, which means financial compatibility is a big factor to consider!
[Related Read: How to discuss the finances in relationships when talking about money is *uncomfortable*]
There’s more to it than deciding whether to have joint or separate accounts. Because finances are a leading cause of conflict in relationships, period, spending and managing are critical in marriage. It’s fairly common that one person is usually considered the spender, and the other a saver.
You will have to decide whether your financial goals are based on each of your separate incomes, or together. Such as in buying a house – some will buy a house based on what they can afford together versus one person’s income. There are pros and cons in each route, that is why it’s important to consider spending habits/lifestyle, savings goals and ultimately what you will and won’t compromise on financially.
Compromise is a must, and sacrifice is something to expect no matter what. Never let greed get in between your love.
Dreams & goals
That dream job, paying off student loans, a crazy trip – whatever it be – everyone has their own unique life long dreams and goals. And some dreams may not be suitable for compromise which is something to address to your SO before the talk of marriage. For example, you won’t accept a proposal until you’re finished with school.
But there will be dreams and goals that require mutual compromise, such that have to do with timeline, finances, and other conflicting milestones.
While it is expected to be supportive of your significant other’s goals and dreams, the key is being able to communicate with your SO throughout and working to fulfill one another’s goals and dreams. Because truly – the goal in marriage is to strive to achieve your spouse’s highest potential in life.
Wedding Expectations
Fact: some people want the big, extravagant wedding ordeal, and others do not.
Many times a vision is passed down through family expectations (especially those who have large families). But if your SO feels different about your hypothetical wedding day dream or has firm restrictions (i.e., religious traditions), this can be sticky territory. But, truthfully, it shouldn’t be.
Your job isn’t to change your partner or to stay in hopes they will. Your partner may not be able to financially contribute to your dream wedding, so unless traditions are alive and well when it comes to your I Do’s and your parents are able to dish out the dough, you may be forced to deeply re-consider your vision orrrrrr to wait until you’re able to afford and get exactly what you want.
Is it the wedding or marrying the love of your life that is more important? And if you’re thinking, “How can I talk to my SO about a wedding that isn’t even for sure happening yet?”, here’s my take: if you and your SO are at a point in discussing a future together then generalized a wedding *vision* is likely on the table.
[Related Read: 3 REAL, definitive signs he wants to marry you]
Family & Values
Do you require raising a family under a certain religion? Are you expected to host a traditional Sunday family dinner, or attend a yearly family vacation? What family values from your childhood do you expect to pass down to your household?
Granted, maybe none of these apply to you – but what if you SO was raised under those circumstances, and has expectations of those values? It’s important to discuss these expectations to your SO, as far as in raising a family or becoming a family household. If it’s your SO’s ideology to attend church every Sunday and spend Sunday dinners with family – would this work and compliment your lifestyle?
We all eventually grow up having certain values, and while – yes – these are often related to religion, politics, moral and objective beliefs, they are no less significant when you’re conjoining your lives together. Moreover, what aren’t you willing to accept? Is there a middle ground that can coexist surrounding subtle or extreme differences in values?
We have to remember, also, that values [can] change over the course of a lifetime, so that begs the question as to how you [will/can] work through those differences.
[Related Read: I married someone with similar core values, and it was the best decision I made]
Sex, Sex, Sex
As much as I would love to say that sex is just the icing on the entire cake – it’s undeniable that people can’t do without icing in their life. Human beings as a general whole are driven by these desires. And far too many marital problems share the common pitfall in lack thereof both sex and intimacy – which is ultimately created by an even deeper issue within the relationship: disconnection.
[Related Read: When communication is hard, focus on connection]
It’s vital to discuss with your SO how important sex and intimacy plays a role in your relationship currently, and in the future. As a couple, you need to feel comfortable and open talking about sexual issues, desires and improvements in and around intimacy. Doing this only ensures that one another’s needs are met and there won’t be any room for surprises or changes in those desires.
As lulls in sex and intimacy are fairly common throughout very normal and healthy relationships, communication and the will to empathize with one another’s desires are efforts for overcoming those lulls.
Gender Roles
Are you expected to be the ‘housewife’? Will you split the house work as a couple? Will you both work when raising a child, or will you decide on being a SAHM or SAHD?
Many a times, when left undisclosed, common gender roles can be assumed, such as who is expected to clean the house, cook the meals, as well as doing managing all the adult life stuff, such as grocery shopping, taking the cars for an oil change or fixing repairs, by default. This can cause conflict in the relationship.
It’s important to relay to your SO whether you want to split up the household duties or leave more responsibility to one person. As we live in a very split world today, times are going through a dramatic flip flop. More women are working, which means both parents work and raise a family equally, BUT – regardless of this uprising – there are still those who hold old fashioned, traditional values in marriage, too.
The bottom-line is this is a serious topic to discuss. You will each need to figure out your roles as a team. If your roles clash prior to even tying the knot, you both will need to find a way to meet halfway instead of hoping the playing field will level out on its own.
[Related Read: 4 Principles that improve communication in my marriage]
Post Marital Priorities
If you live separately until marriage, who will move in with who? How do you feel your priorities will change once you are married?
If you and your SO own separate homes, who should make the choice to pack up and move (EX. the person with the highest rent/mortgage)? How will you merge your amenities into one home? Meaning, whose stuff is going to end up at Goodwill?
Once you are married, what are your immediate plans or priorities – buying a house, moving away, traveling, saving money, babies? Some priorities tend to be altered once the knot is tied. Also, remember, life doesn’t always go as planned, and there may even be priorities that don’t make sense in a moment’s notice. Allow room for change and grace.
It’s also natural for priorities to shift more onto your SO rather than your previous engagements, hobbies and friends. Though it’s super important to be intentional with that balance (between self-care and your individuality), even after the honeymoon phase. Otherwise, it can be difficult to pick back up.
Discuss a strict regimen on your mutual and individual priorities as a couple, such as a monthly game night with friends, a night out per week with just the girls/guys, or a day set aside to spend time with family. If your plan as a couple involves looking for a house or starting a family after the honeymoon, it’s important that this is discussed well beforehand and communicated throughout (as minds tend to change and life obstacles can get in the way of certain milestones).
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