Having standards in your relationships actually has a positive effect in relationship satisfaction. That’s not to say having too high of standards can have the reverse effect, but not setting the bar at all means you will always sell yourself short of what you deserve. Not having them also means you assign others responsible for your happiness.
But before I go any further, let me be real with you. Having high standards is NOT the same as high maintenance. The difference is in your expectations – one being more demanding aesthetically, materialistically, superficially, and emotionally (high maintenance) and the other in terms of morals, values, respect, dignity, and [self] accountability/responsibility (high standards).
Take these two circumstances for example:
You expect a man to give up his time while spending his energy and money making you happy. (High maintenance)
You desire a man who wants to give you his time and energy. (High standards)
At first glance, there might not be much of a difference between the two, but there is. What one person might consider high maintenance or high in standards is not the same to another, but there’s one thing we must understand when it comes to the clear, yet undervalued difference between the two. To be high maintenance means you likely have a set of superficial expectations (sorry, but it’s true), patterns or behaviors that may be considered toxic, as well as material and emotional demands to be met by your partner. And for someone considered “high maintenance”, those generally fail to measure up from within – meaning you expect more and return less.
Some common examples are..
- money being the sole dictator of your own life purpose, fulfillment or happiness
- being extremely sensitive to setbacks, feedback or constructive criticism
- holding yourself superior to other women, or men
- lacking in empathy or taking accountability for your actions/decisions
- constantly victimizing yourself
- expecting others to pick up your slack; to pull your weight as well as their own
- a consistent or purposefully negative attitude
- you keep tabs on others
- when your expectations are met, you continue to set the bar higher
- you act on being the center of your own universe
- you confuse arrogance with self-respect
- easily and aggressively hold grudges against others
- your parents being too much of an influence in your life and relationships
- life in itself revolves around your appearance/reputation over integrity and moral
- when you’re overly needy or clingy
- you’re the kid with a magnifying glass
- your respect toward others do not meet or exceed your expectations from others
These might be generalizations that can attribute to being high maintenance, and the definition can differ from person to person.
So while you might enjoy the finer things in life (as far as how much you spend to suit your lifestyle), it is also valid to think that someone who gets their hair and nails done, legs and eyebrows waxed, botox or laser hair removal, and deep-tissue massages on a regular basis is high maintenance. And your definition will differ from mine, as will others’.
In the end, your expectations are still your prerogative. BUT, I do want to separate the definition of being high maintenance from having [high] standards in relationships. The point of this post is not to bring attention to, say, how much money you expect him to dish on you or the level of attention you demand.
Why? Because I’m noticing that women [especially] are [often] falsely accused of being high maintenance, when in fact they are not. And this aggravates me to no end. It is my goal, in this post, to reaffirm that in order for a woman to attain the relationship [and love life] she deserves, she must uphold high standards in relationships, understand what they *actually* mean, and why they are crucial to relationship satisfaction.
The problem is most men know what it means to be high maintenance (look, they’re not stupid, they just want to be right). They know because most men are not like women when it comes to aesthetic or superficial needs and desires, yet we ALL have them. While men think it is pointless to visit the salon every 8 weeks, they are uselessly spending money popping bottles on weekends, ricing up their cars, adding to their unworn Nike collection, or their tattoo sleeve.
There’s concrete double standards going on here, and TBH they’re also getting away with reducing a woman’s worthiness in the process. They want us to “take care of ourselves”, but then they don’t. And we’re supposed to be the complicated ones. Now, having the standard of a job and a car is now equivalent to expecting someone to make 6-figures that drives a Mercedes.
Newsflash – they’re not the same. At all.
So when a guy calls you high maintenance he is actually saying, “You expect way too much [of me], and I literally can’t [afford] or live up to your [demands].” And the truth is he probably can’t, or your lifestyle is no match for his. But there are also hidden undertones in that statement to be taken away, “It’s obvious you know your worth, what you want, and what you deserve, and because I don’t value that I see you as a threat…and not worth the effort.”
While, yes, this can be taken pretty harshly at first glance, we need to be able to empathize with the fact that some people won’t live and expend the same lifestyle as you. As a fiscally responsible person myself, all around, I definitely couldn’t be with someone who acted Hood-Rich. *Look that up if you don’t know what it means.
But I digress. Having a job and a car really may be asking too much these days, but at the same time, wanting stability and self-sufficiency is more than a valid standard. And if someone can’t respect you for that, you’re better off.
That said, there is a clear, distinct difference in “high demands” when you are referring to honesty, loyalty, and respect versus financial dependence or material expectations. High standards go hand-in-hand with your desirable expectations in a long-term commitment and partner, even if you’re simply dating. Having dating standards are STILL just as important.
[Back story] I was told once in my life that I was high maintenance. I was nineteen. I broke off a third date with a guy after finding out I would have to drive [20 minutes] across town to pick him up. We met up individually on the first two dates, yet I wasn’t actually aware of how he got there, nor did I ask. It was then I found out he didn’t have a car. He also didn’t have a job. For me, and where I was at in my life, there was/is no denying that this was problematic. Did I expect him to get a car and a job [to date me]? No. So did I continue seeing him? Also no.
Moral of the story is he said I was high maintenance for “expecting” him to have a car. Now, I don’t live in New York City, where not having personal transportation is more the norm. I also had a car of my own and a steady job paying for it, and I wanted to continue upholding my personal, more traditional, dating values. So, no, I didn’t feel the need to take a seat. And I definitely wasn’t about to let someone bash me for my standards while expecting me to pick him up for our 3rd date? That didn’t sit right with me.
So being called high maintenance by a guy who didn’t have the slightest clue what maintenance even meant did me in. It helped reinforce my standards for good. It’s also totally okay for him to live his life the way he does, but it wasn’t for me. Could he easily find a woman who isn’t phased by the fact he has no job or way to get around? Probably. Hell – he may even find a woman who doesn’t have a car herself and understands him completely.
But in my defense, this phrase fits: “He couldn’t live up to my ‘demands’.“
No offense to him.
How did I attain high standards?
I learned to honor myself first
We hear this all the time, but do we actually listen, let alone follow through?
Back then, yeah sure, I loved myself and who I was, or wanted to be. But I don’t think I truly understood what it meant to have self-respect. I fell victim to people-pleasing, neglecting my needs and wants, and ignoring my internal pain in hopes others would fix that. Mostly I believed that if I simply focused on others – in general – that everything else would line up (for me)…eventually.
How we treat others is a reflection of how we treat ourselves. Many give, give, give to others – without ever giving to themselves. Many are the opposite, and we have to be willing to admit to our impenetrable and (at times) painful walls. Realizing that I am my own person, who isn’t perfect, makes mistakes, and has feelings and opinions – I needed to start treating myself like one with the same love I yearned to give AND receive from someone else.
I didn’t settle unrealistically
Everyone talks about the “list“. The well-thought-out bullet points of our ideal characteristics in a mate. Many repel those lists, or find them useless in terms of relationship success. Many are even quick to label certain characteristics as phobic, like wanting someone whose heterosexual, which is a preference.
Some will say ditch the list, for it contains unnecessary, restricting and unrealistic “demands“. While that is something to consider for yourself, I say everyone is entitled to having a list of preferences.
I even had a list:
- Brown hair
- Taller than me
- Well established or readily established (meaning, going to school or working)
- Respectful
- A gentlemen (meaning, raised right – not aggressive in behavior, doesn’t have a superior complex, and treats women/people with respect)
- Has a sensitive side
- Nerdy
- Humorous
- Fun/Adventurous
- Loyal
(and so on)
What is so painful and unrealistic about that list? Nothing. It’s my ideal perception of what I am attracted to. Can I help with that? Maybe. Do I want to? Not really. But I remained very open – knowing I may not check every box on that list (although, I do think I did) – yet without settling unrealistically.
Did I turn away someone who wasn’t brunette, though I was still attracted to? No.
Did this mean I was totally open to dating someone who didn’t have a job, or was still mooching off their parents? No.
Did this mean I should lay off and give the guy who cheated in his last relationship a chance? This is a personal preference, but no.
Did this mean when I say ‘established‘ that I wanted someone making 6-figures to support/lavish me? No.
Did this list make me out to be slashing half the world’s male population of possible dating prospects? It does to an extent, but that didn’t matter to me.
I stuck with my gut intuition the first time around
If I felt something was off, I noted it, I approached it and dealt with it head-on. I didn’t sit back and watch the red flags unfold or wait to see if something would change or improve, and I sure as hell didn’t go back to the same wrong thing twice.
It’s like taking a bite out of a bad apple, then taking another in hopes it will be better the second time around.
My time was valuable, and wasn’t something to be wasted. I saved myself a lot of time by not waiting around, learning and further evaluating my standpoint as to what I expected in my relationships.
I understood my worth and deserving
I knew that I had a lot to offer someone – a lot of respect, love, trust and companionship to give. And there was nothing wrong with expecting that in return.
I knew that I deserved someone who valued me, cared for me, made an effort in all avenues and saw me as someone who was indispensable. And if any of that was compromised, there was also nothing wrong with making the choice to move on.
Human error does not coincide with premeditated behavior
We’re all human. We’re bound to make mistakes – in our relationships, and even in marriage. So that’s nothing to try running from. Mistakes are part of life’s inevitable ride.
It’s how we deal with them that matters.
But human error (mistakes) are not the same as premeditated behavior. These are actions, words, behaviors and excuses that are intolerable – such as cheating, lying and emotional and physical abuse to name a few.
For me, those intolerable aspects were held to a high stature in my standards. It wasn’t worth my time meddling with someone with so little control of their behavior and lack of integrity, respect and values. Besides, anyone who lacks these basics in humility are usually those who fail to love themselves.
In the wise words of myself, “It’s not hard to not be a sh*tty person in life.“
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I was happy being single
This wasn’t always easy at times. What did give me peace was loving myself enough not to engage in just any relationship for the sake of happiness or out of loneliness. In time I grew to understand the significance of solitude, and embracing that doesn’t mean you are unhappy or lonely.
Only you are responsible for your own happiness, and that should not be held accountable to someone else. Happiness and purpose in life is very much a personal thing – it literally has nothing to do with anyone else.
I didn’t lower myself to pressure
You know, the pressure to pursue someone just because your friends and family keep wondering why you’re single. The pressure to get intimate early on because you feel that’s in order to hold his attention and interest. The pressure to do or feel anything beyond what I was comfortable with. The pressure to change my ways, habits, routine, or hobbies in order to appease someone.
If someone treated me with a motive to change, I never thought twice about putting an end to it.
It was as simple as that.
Having high standards is not to be portrayed as a negative attribute in the dating world. They are not intended to be lowered, but more so maintained and polished through your coming and going relationships.
Do not mistake standards for being superficial, they are the bare minimum.
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