Exclusive, or not? What it means to NOT define your relationship

Now I may be treading uncharted waters here, but I guess I enjoy a little controversy. Plus, I will never quite understand how any relationship can “move forward” without directing it’s sails with the wind. The key is knowing the direction of the wind!

If you’re not able to discuss one another’s emotional stance, how do you really know where the relationship is going (if it’s even going anywhere)?

I’m sure I’ll immediately be drug under with, “I don’t need to verbalize that he’s my boyfriend or she’s my girlfriend to know where we stand.“

And that’s fine – I didn’t say to go full force high-school love letter mode. I’m simply talking about defining your relationship, as in validating through communication that both parties are emotionally on the same page, or are exclusively seeing only one another.

Maybe that’s just me – I needed to have the talk. Or I just simply couldn’t rely on assuming how my partner felt, or whether he was leaning in the same exclusive direction I was.

I’ve always been the biggest believer in, “you don’t know until you know.” With that, I find that by not defining the relationship, you could be implying something entirely different.

Exclusive, or not? What it means to NOT define your relationship

“We are whatever you want us to be”

He calls the shots, and you just “go with it“. Because you would hate to be known as the stereotypical woman who knows what she wants and has to claim it by slapping on a label, right?

Seriously, stop believing in that hype.

Any man who jives that way is simply projecting their own inadequacies, shame, and insecurities because they are incapable of commitment on a deeper level than penetration. *oOp

But if “go with the flow” is your style – I can’t promise that one day you won’t be saying to yourself, “I don’t understand, I thought we were on the same page.”

The only, only way you will ever know what train you both are on – and on together – is if it’s discussed and laid out openly with one another. Otherwise, he may be boarding that train south for a quickie while ultimately you’re hoping for that ticket to ride off west together into the sunset.

Stop assuming and entrusting the reigns solely in his hands and start taking the wheel of that freaking ship, girl. Otherwise, you may not be going anywhere but under.

“Communication isn’t that important”

So then you believe both parties should just be mind-readers? We all know how well that seems to work out, and you don’t need studies to back it up.

If you can’t talk about how you feel, where you stand emotionally, and whether or not you see yourself further pursuing a relationship with the other – what communication skills are you developing for a serious commitment ever? It’s repeated time and time again that communication is part of the foundation of any HEALTHY, STABLE relationship.

Sex, money, and infidelity issues?

All of those stem from a lack of connection and proper communication, even if it is believed to be a one-sided issue.

[Related Read: 13 Vital Communication Skills That Will Save Your Relationship]

“I don’t need your respect, and you don’t need mine”

A genuinely good person knows how to simply be a good person – someone who is proactively learning acceptance and understanding, values respect and integrity, and applies common courtesy in the relationship. But that’s not to say some don’t have the mindset of, “I do what I want, and I don’t care if/how it affects you.“

That “you do you, boo” mentality only gets you so far. Sure, I’m all for letting someone show you their true colors, but your standards should never be compromised in the process.

By not defining the relationship, the bar is automatically set pretty low as to what you’re willing to tolerate. No, ma’am, stop tolerating disrespect and sloppy seconds, thirds, or what have you.

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“We good – no need to ruin it by slapping on a label”

First of all, that phrase places a defined relationship under negative light, and anyone who uses that terminology isn’t looking for exclusivity in the first place. Let’s be real here.

A “label” literally means, “what we are [together]”, “what we’re doing [together]” and “where we’re going [together]“. And TBF, you have a freaking right to know the legitimate answers to all of those things. Because if only 2 out of 3 are in alignment with what you’re looking for, then there’s no need to waste your precious time and effort.

Defining the relationship is a form of mutual vulnerability and loyalty by verbally and definitively moving toward the emotional/physical “exclusivity” or monogamous commitment of that relationship. Don’t let someone tell you otherwise when they are only committed to maintaining an easy out in order to avoid emotional and sexual inconvenience while appeasing their fragile ego.

“I won’t commit until he does first”

I’ve heard this too many times to count, “He hasn’t told me he *loves* me, so I’m not even sure where we stand.“

You mean where HE stands? Because clearly you’ve been standing at the finish line long enough to wait and hear those three words.

It’s funny how much we rely on verbal validation in certain aspects of our relationships, but not where it counts overall. Meaning, there’s far more value in whether he loves you versus if he’s committed to you and only you. If you’re not aware, he doesn’t have to Love you to be committed to you.

Unfortunately, you’re going to be waiting around a long time to get what you need with that approach.