To the woman tired of dating and being single

I was there once. I, too, was once losing hope as I watched friends seem to glide their way in finding their soulmate; for some like it was GIVEN to them. And others, I guarantee, settled unhappily because they couldn’t fathom being in my place. To the woman tired of dating, being single, and wanting to give up on Love – I hear you, and I see you, too.

As often as I was frustrated and sometimes weary of ever finding my person, I swore I would never stoop to that level.

I see you. You’re now often the third wheel in your group of friends. You frequently turn down gatherings because you’re just sick and tired of hearing the constant innuendos:

“When are you going to get married?”

“Are you dating someone – what – why not? You’re a beautiful girl,”,

“Are you still seeing So-And-So? Oh, well, good guy I thought, but I never liked him for you anyway…”

“You better get on that baby train before your uterus leaves the station – you only have so much time,”,

“You just have to put yourself out there more – but don’t think too much about it, ya know?”

To the single woman tired of dating: don’t give up on finding Love. Sure, it may feel like you always get the short end of the stick, but if you continue to compare your love life to those of everyone else you will lose sight of Love when it does appear smack dab in front of you.

I am telling you this: in the meantime, sometimes the Princess has to save herself. And sometimes it’s from your own damn self – your inner critic and worst enemy (ego). She has to pick herself back up, break free from the weeds that chain her, and guide her way out of the dense fog when no one else will. Why? Because you are worth it. And one day someone else will see that, too. Just don’t lose hope.

Besides, you don’t need saving or rescuing from someone else. That’s a lot to put on another’s shoulders, and only you can do that.

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To the woman tired of dating and being single

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You’re experiencing dating burnout

Yes, it’s a real thing. And it does not discriminate – whether you’re someone struggling to fill your dating roster, or someone who has men falling into their laps.

When you’re at that point of having thoughts of giving up, that no one is capable of measuring up and being convinced by every living, breathing, mobile organism on this earth that you’re bound to be lonely forever…. yeah, you’re in deep.

It’s time to admit yourself into the DA – Dating-aholics Anonymous.

Maybe it’s a new guy one after the next or the complete opposite. There are times we can be too meticulous for our own good (in the wrong ways). Your friends are constantly trying to set you up, or you’re feeding your companionship hanger by dragging yourself out every weekend. Maybe you’re actually successful – you seem to hit it off right away with someone every single time.

Yet they never seem to last beyond their expiration, or yours.

Ever think about that? Without realizing it, your dating life can easily become quantity over quality. Selective awareness fizzles and there is no grace period after heartbreak or sheer disappointment – you just keep on trucking and send your heart (and feelings) into overdrive.

Because you think if you stop you then have 0% chance of finding Love. It’s like you’ve had one too many Redbulls – er, more like Redbull and vodka.

Slow down – don’t pick every apple from the tree. Inspect each apple before placing it into your basket. Be mindful of the ones you choose. Subtle bruising doesn’t mean the apples are rotten, nor does that mean picking the ones that fall to the ground at your feet, either. They may be the easier ones to pick without a ladder, but that doesn’t mean you should. ALSO, if you think busting your ass to pick the apple from the very tippy-top of the tree is your golden ticket, think again, because looks can be deceiving and you may have exhausted yourself over an apple that has yet to ripen.

I’m just saying, and I don’t mean to exhaust you more. But this is the real-talk gravy train here.

The purpose of dating was never to be tiring, or to fill your basket to the brim as quickly as humanly possible. Because the truth is…even when you find Mr. Right – your forever and ever – you will both evolve as individuals. This means dating is even more crucial than ever in order to avoid growing apart down the road.

Dating never stops, even when you’ve snagged the one.

So in hindsight, dating is monumental and continuous if commitment is your end goal. Don’t allow it to tire you in this stage of your life.

Take a good, hard look at your dating transcript

I’m serious. Quality wise, are there any common denominators? Flaws? Red flags?

Guess what? In your lifetime you will only romantically be with upwards of .0000001% (let’s just say a REALLLLLY small number) of the entire population. That should make you think, “Wow, I better make that .000001% count.”

So if everyone you’ve ever been with has hurt you, deceived you or threatened your faith in finding a good man in this world – think about that number before you start generalizing the next to be like the last.

The problem is, we’re not always going to have the best judgment, either. Through enough reoccurring disappointment and rejection, the quality of our worth and trust in others can easily be threatened.

Thus begins the repetitive cycle of dating out of loneliness and lack of self-worth. You may not even realize it, but that deep mistrust that follows you (making you believe you are due to find a good, honest man unlike the rest) can be manipulating you into only choosing broken relationships.

You know, those you feel need fixing or saving. Therefore you wind up choosing individuals in hopes you can change or control on a dime, mainly by projecting your own developed insecurities.

Here’s what you need to understand: those you attract in your love life are what you have been conditioned to attract. Whether from your upbringing, childhood, family relationships, social environment, personal growth/self-development or previous relationship history.

What you also need to understand is: that is also a choice, and you have the ability to change it.

What you allow and the type of people you attract into your love life is what will continue. You have the choice to uphold standards in your relationships and qualities in a partner – to value your worth as a person deserving of Love. But the place to start is within.

There’s nothing in this world that can force you to tolerate being treated less than you deserve – no one else but yourself. Remember that.

Your attitude may be turning Princes into frogs

What I MEAN is… you may see more frogs because of a clouded perception (or from a negative attitude on dating itself).

[Clears throat] Refer to your dating history, again.

I get it. Ongoing emotional pain is one big b*tch, and you have every right to feel. The problem is when you allow those feelings to become you. It’s a lot like wearing drunk goggles through life, except you now see every man wear t-shirts that say, “Perfect in every way, but taken“, “Emotionally unavailable“, “Won’t call you”, “Secretly seeing my ex“, “Fake interested“, “Hit it and quit it“, “Cheater“, “Liar“, “Ghoster“, “In it for your money“, “Married, but DTF“, “Psycho” – the list could literally go on.

This mindset can either portray you as someone you’re not in the eyes of others, or silently destroy every oncoming relationship you enter. Again, emotional pain can stay with you for as long as you allow it. It’s the itch you continue to scratch, the scab you keep picking and the wound you refuse to stop touching.

Allow yourself to heal – forgive yourself from the pain someone caused you – in order to clear your mindset from creating that negative dating stigma and attitude.

Sometimes we need to face the music

I had to. And I, too, was once tenacious about having to rehabilitate, or detox, my dating life. Otherwise, if I didn’t… I’d be singing that same stupid song in my head over and over, and over and over.

You get me?

I had to find acceptance in being on my own, to Love myself even when nobody needed or wanted me, as well as to find my worth and learn to validate and fulfill my own wants, needs and desires.

None of which can be found in a man.

I had to Love myself (entirely, willfully and unconditionally) before I was ready to Love someone else and to accept self-Love as being enough without the need for Love from anyone else. Now this is not meant to drive the mentality that you should reject all attempts and efforts from a man or anyone else, for that matter. You wouldn’t really think it, but this underrated practice of self-Love ultimately prepares you to be more receptive to receiving Love from someone else.

Because when it’s easy to receive and accept Love, it’s also easier to give it.

My point here isn’t to justify your loneliness or frustrations with singleism, but that in order to see change we must embrace and become the change. I had to stop being as lenient as I once was when I was dating. I became pickier, in terms of the qualities I saw in a partner and focused less on the “ideal” qualities – face it, they were my “wants” – that didn’t even truly define a lifelong companion, to begin with.

That being said, focus on what you NEED.

Consequently, for me, this meant I dated far less. I wasn’t wasting my time, which meant I wasn’t wasting others’.

I committed to only giving the time of day to someone readily established (meaning had a long-term, stable job or career), a compassionate nature for all things in life, who had personal goals, manners, respect, morals and values, most of all respect for himself (in a humbling way, not arrogance), who was capable of taking care of himself (without the help of a woman in his life – nope, not even his mom), wasn’t tied to the wrong crowd or concerning interests and hobbies, had a healthy presence with family and close friends, and who simply treated others (like random strangers) with friendliness and decency.

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Bottom line is: I banned all of the common denominators, warning signs, flaws and red flags I once ignored. This didn’t make me any less open-minded (as I’m sure many would say). Instead I made my deserving a priority by eliminating anything that could possibly negatively effect my worth.

Because, let’s face it, when you’re single and dating… your worth should always, always be #1. Even if you have to wait a little while longer for your happily ever after.