It’s always when you’re not looking that it appears, am I right? So….moral of the story: stop looking [Desperate Singles Seeking Relationships Edition]. But you’ve been told that for God knows how long and how many times, I’m sure.
Maybe you’ve been “Independent” for a while, and are tirelessly looking for that perfect team-player, companionship, or forever Mate. Or maybe you just ended yet again another long-term commitment (or short, because you have your sights set on exactly what you want). You panic at the sight of others coupling up left and right, getting married, or sharing the rest of their lives with someone. That maybe the failing relationships, or having zero luck in the dating department, is your constant fate – and it’s been so difficult to shake.
In no way, shape or form should this dictate where you are supposed to be in your life. You are more than deserving of that perfect, meaningful, and lasting relationship. But being single could also be that blessing in disguise.
I know, I’m probably talking to the hand right now.
If you fully understand the underlying meaning to be single – it’s not to torture you or make you feel behind, or less than. So stop with this mindset that you are forever doomed to being the lonely, crazy cat lady. It’s about self-discovery. Who you were at 19 is NOT even close to the person you’ll be in your 30s – including your taste, preferences, and expectations in a partner.
If you’re wildly focused on the idea of finding someone, and obsessed with simply being in a relationship – that’s not “readiness”, that’s insecurity. No matter where you are in life, all that you have, and who you could have at the snap of a finger. I see you.
You are better off alone than in the wrong relationship.
This post might be on the brutally honest side, but it’s the cutthroat truth. I learned this the hard way. There are reasons you need to stop desperately looking for a relationship in order to refocus on the right kind of love you need in your life.
[for the single gals] – stop desperately looking for a relationship
You Jump From Relationship To Relationship
No matter how you look at this – jumping from one relationship to the next isn’t healthy for yourself, or any relationship in your future. Whether you are with someone currently and have the next prospect already in line, or break up just to immediately delve into the dating world – it’s a sign that you need to evaluate your judgement and what you’re really after in a relationship.
Not only does rushing into a new relationship display insecurity, but it shows a lack of self worth and respect for yourself and the person involved. It’s like hauling a heavily growing suitcase full of dirty, unwashed laundry wherever you go. Eventually, that pile will tire and catch up with you, and someone is bound to notice that rank stank.
Take a break between relationships – it isn’t going to kill you. Get rid of any baggage, and take time to yourself in order to learn and improve from your previous mistakes and relationship experience. It’s called a rejuvenation period, which everyone needs in order for optimal performance for the next relationship. If you catch yourself as one saying you don’t need that time, or that you move on from relationships fairly quickly – you’re probably the one who needs that adjustment period the most. It’s likely that you shut out the emotional aspects of a breakup or previous relationship, and refuse to acknowledge your mistakes or need for self improvement, which in turn ends up being taken out on your next relationship (whether you realize it or not).
you constantly need validation
Everyone sees you do it.
I see it every…single…day. Posting that rant on social media in order to receive feedback like, “You’ll find someone for you, don’t worry”, “You’re too good for him, you deserve better”,”But you’re so beautiful, you don’t need a man to tell you that.”
Over and over, time and time again.
And no offense, but after a few constant months coming from the same person, it gets a little old.
It’s one thing to be able to have that close friend, or your parents to confide in during such a rough period in your life. But to constantly take it to social media for “help” or “reassurance” is an unnecessary stretch.
I get it – you’re tired of searching for that right person, and you’re sick of being stood up, cheated on and taken advantage of. But honestly, it’s time to grow a backbone and leverage yourself to being able to validate your worth on your own, rather than depending on that “someone special” or others to do it for you.
The things is – you’re not the only one. And the only way to actually fix that from happening is to focus on bettering yourself with each passing relationship. No matter who’s at fault, or who did wrong in the relationship. When you’re in a relationship – no matter whose side is sinking – you’re both in the same boat. So whatever problems occurred, there’s room for improvement on both sides.
Nobody else can help you through that, and the constant need for validation isn’t going to help you land your next relationship any sooner. Rushing this process will put you 10 steps backward – so let’s not think a day or two will suffice, here.
When self validation isn’t enough, that’s also a clear sign that you have not found your worth. And you need the confidence in that before you can have a successful relationship.
You Settle Too Quickly
This goes unnoticed far too often. And many times, you’re left wondering what-the-hell went wrong. Well, the wrong usually starts from day one and didn’t stop there.
Here are some similar situations I’m comparing to:
- You met someone, you talk non-stop for two weeks. You go on a few dates, spend hours upon hours together and talk all day, everyday in between. Soon thereafter, he seems to have lost interest, or become “busy”, because he hasn’t called or made an initiative in seeing you.
- You’re constantly together, or in contact, so now you bicker and fight all the time about everything and anything. You demand more of his time, and feel that he should be devoted to making you happy rather than taking care of himself and his own life. But you say you love him, after 3 weeks together – so the fighting is somehow justified in the name of a new found “Love”. You’re now conditioned to believing this is just the way it is when you’re truly in love with someone.
- Maybe you had sex before that real first kiss, or first date (a legitimate first date), and your time together has turned into staying in at his place or your place too frequently. Now you are expecting him to step up and “be a man”, or to be that gentleman you were after all along.
- Maybe he said or did that one awful, unforgettable thing – which you tried to ignore and let be – now he doesn’t treat you the same since. Everything he does continues to disappoint you, but you just want to keep the peace because you’re happy having someone in your life.
- You accepted that first date, knowing he has no money and no job – but you want companionship, and share empathy with him, so you pay for the date anyway. Then the next one, and the one after that, and the next few. He says he’s out to get a job, but you find him on your couch with the boys most days – needing to “borrow” money for this and that. Now you’re paying his bills, for food and driving him to and fro, wondering why he won’t step up in the relationship.
- He comes to your place late at night, crashes with you (once he’s gotten it in), and then he’s gone by morning. It used to not be like that, but you both work and have busy schedules, so you’ve accepted seeing him when he makes the late night “I miss you” calls.
Am I judging you? No, absolutely not. Nobody’s perfect. But we have a tendency to be lenient with our expectations and lose sight of necessary standards in relationships when we are desperate to have one at all.
In turn this is likely causing you to settle too quickly into any and every relationship. We can easily dive right in – accept all the flaws and faults – and ignore every red flag in front of our eyes. It’s then too late when we wonder why things took a turn for the worst so quickly.
All Expectations Go Out The Window
And I mean all of them. From specifics all the way to general and universal expectations – respect, empathy, communication, dignity, trust, loyalty, faithfulness, self worth, security, values, beliefs, and beyond.
I’m not saying it’s against the rules to evaluate the kinds of expectations you have – if you feel they are too high, or too low – but to eliminate them all and go in with a blank slate is emotional suicide! You may not be approaching an actual fire, but you’re still stepping on coals – which are actually hotter than the flame, by the way.
Just because you feel some of your expectations hold you back from finding a relationship does not mean you should rid of them, especially all of them. Now, there are reasonable and unreasonable expectations – know the difference. But universally, certain expectations should never be withheld from a relationship that pertains to how someone treats you as a person.
[Related Read: I’m Not High Maintenance – I Have High Expectations In Relationships]
You Change Your Mind Too Frequently
One minute you want the guy with a decent, well established career and two months later you’re knee deep with someone who can barely keep a job to hold his head above water. This week you want the boy toy who only likes to party, and the next week you’re talking about wanting to get married because you’re nearing your mid-twenties and everyone around you is talking about your “ticking clock“.
You need to know what you want.
Plain and simple. In order to be even partially successful in your next relationship, you have to have a plan for yourself. And if you’re back and forth on what exactly you want – getting into a relationship isn’t going to help fix that, or align the compass of your life.
Plus, it’s just as much of a mind game to you as it is the person you’re in a relationship with. Don’t intentionally waste their time as much as you’re wasting yours.
Most Of Your Past Relationships Ended On Bad Terms
If this is a common result to your relationships – ending on bad, uncivil terms – it’s time to think about why that may be the case. How did those relationships end in the first place? Why is it that they could not remain civil?
Whatever the case, instead of instantly using them as the scapegoat for, “Well, he did this…and he did that…”, think about how your decisions and actions may have affected the relationship, and ultimately ending on a bad note. Where if you saw each other in public, you might gouge each other’s eyes out or run and hide to avoid confrontation.
Relationships end for many reasons, but the reason they end is in order to learn and improve ourselves for the next. But for most of your relationships to end in hatred, when they were once entered with love, is a slight indication as to how your future relationships will pan out.
You Refuse To Completely Let Go Of That EX
Bottom line: you’re simply trying to fill a void by doing this. You know it’s wrong, each and every time you take him back, knowing how it always ends. You hope that maybe in some holy shining light it will turn out differently than the last 10 times.
Because, you know, he says he’s changed and all.
At one point, will he mean what he says and says what he means? If he can’t prove it without speaking it the second time around – he never will.
So let me just say this: keeping the EX around on the sidelines isn’t going to get you closer to finding “the one” any sooner, if at all.
There’s a reason he’s an EX – and for that reason it should stay that way. Otherwise, you would have mutually and maturely worked things out together and you would never have broken up in the first place. So if you want a relationship, and a decent one, don’t expect it to come from one that didn’t work out to begin with.
You Continually Feel That The World Owes You
Don’t worry – I’m getting to you.
For the ladies who will say, “I’ve been focusing on myself – I’m successful because I put myself first. I work so damn hard to get myself where I want to be in my life. I know my own worth, and it has blasted men from wanting to be anywhere near or serious with me. I’ve been called intimidating, or high maintenance because of it. I know myself – and I love myself – so when is it my turn?“
See the problem yet? I do.
Attitude.
You’ve been working hard at everything in life, have everything to show that you have busted your butt to finish school, buy that car, keep that job, house, or have a debt-free lifestyle.
That’s great! And definitely an accomplishment to feel proud of, no doubt.
But it’s in the attitude.
Now you feel that life owes you something – that you’re entitled to having that perfect relationship because you have done exactly what you should have in the first place. And it shows – you whine, cry and trash the idea of love, relationships or marriage simply because you aren’t in one.
Life doesn’t work that way. And no matter how much people will say, “Let Love find you” – that saying still never sticks because there’s a whole other side missing from that statement. And that missing link is all about you – how you love and let love in based on your attitude. Because no matter how true it is to say, finding that perfect and genuine relationship takes mutual effort – two humble and kind people with a compassionate attitude on life and Love.
This ties in with the saying, “you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else“. Because if you can’t love yourself, whole-heartedly, inside and out without someone – you are not truly happy, and you will never be happy with anyone else. And if you don’t have that balance, Love isn’t going to “fall into your lap” if people constantly see a jealous and bitter attitude on life.
You Can’t Stand The Dating Scene
I don’t want to burst your bubble, but if your idea of a relationship is to pick out of a line of prospects and go, “You – be my boyfriend,” you will spend a miserable few months getting to know someone who isn’t compatible with you.
Hello – you’re in for serious emotional stress going that route!
Yet, you stay with them out of security, and again, to fill that empty status gap in your life. It’s no wonder you hate the dating scene.
[Related Read: To The Woman Who Is Tired Of Dating – This One’s For You]
Dating is a slow process, taken into action by those who are actually looking for a real, personable and meaningful relationship. And many date multiple people at once – because they are capable – without being exclusive. Some can’t ever get out of the dating scene, which can be a drawback for those looking for more.
It’s the first step in getting to know someone without completely investing your life, which is part of the problem with dating today. It’s no longer really dating when those continue to invest before there is even a commitment.
Don’t let them fool you – withholding in that sense is not “playing hard to get”. That’s called a respect for separation and balance between your personal and romantic life.
So I’m sorry to say, but the repetitive small talk with strangers is… well, a dating standard. And it’s a step you shouldn’t skip – otherwise, you’re selling yourself to someone who may be with you for the wrong reasons or you might be missing out on someone who could be “The One“.
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You’re Being Insanely Unrealistic In Terms of Finding The One
So you had a so-so date, so what? It’s bound to happen.
Does it mean you should drop the ball on that guy and dump him? Depends, but I will say this.
Chemistry, or love at first sight, is not compatibility.
Not every date you have will be great, or those magical fireworks. There were none for me on the first date with my [now] husband. If anything, that instant “friend” connection. But after having known what infatuation was like, realizing that looks and chemistry right off the bat mean nothing long-term, more than anything I wanted that friendship kind of love.
So if you’re always waiting for your expectations to match that “fairy-tale” love – you’re in for a wake up call and a change in mindset as far as understanding what unconditional love truly means.
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