When you’ve been together for years…but he hasn’t gotten down on one knee and put a ring on it.
Marriage is the deepest expression of commitment, sacrifice and Love that one can make – that’s why marriage is a life aspiration to many. But if he hasn’t proposed, this can leave you wondering why.
While marriage is a huge commitment (promise), many also see marriage as being a piece of paper, or a big, scary contract comprised of risks, restrictions and limitations.
Emphasis on that last part, because truth be told…it is! Marriage is risky (full of risks and taking risks), it is restricting (because you make a vow to be faithful to one person til death do you part) and it is technically limiting based on those very things. That’s why it’s called marriage, and that it isn’t for everyone.
10 Brutally honest reasons why your boyfriend hasn’t proposed (even if you’ve been together for years!)
If you’ve been together for years with a proposal to no avail, this can obviously leave you wondering why taking the plunge makes someone so resistant.
Other than not believing in or aspiring marriage (someday), and hopefully you already know your partner’s stance, what could be some other reasons he hasn’t proposed?
He doesn’t want to get married
I know I said aspiration doesn’t apply to these reasons I’m listing, but someone can aspire marriage and still not want to get married. Unfortunately, specifically and potentially, to you.
Could readiness play a role? Yes, it could, so it’s important to bear in mind that you also can’t make someone be ready or ready enough. And you shouldn’t settle for a relationship thinking you can change his mind or influence his readiness. He has to want it himself without the pressure or ultimatum (you know, the shame and guilt, too).
Many can easily say they want something but not actually commit to following through. Similar to wanting a puppy (the idea of one), but not actually wanting to commit to the responsibility of having one.
Contrary to popular advice that says you shouldn’t talk about marriage too early or too often, if being married is you and your partner’s end-goal in a partnership then you are responsible for making sure you’re still in alignment toward that goal. If after many years, you’re ready and he’s still not…then you might have to consider whether your mutually aspiring end-goal is not in alignment.
He’s getting his life in order
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It isn’t unrealistic to want to be established in life prior to tying the knot.
What this looks like may be different for everyone. Some examples are financial and career stability, establishing roots (a solid roof and a 5-year plan), and other aspirations desired to fulfil (i.e., traveling, opportunities, materialistic goals, etc.).
If your partner is in the middle of finding a job, trying to complete school, or is looking to check off a bunch of places on the map before really settling down, this could be a legitimate reason why he has yet to put a ring on it.
Unfortunately, many often view marriage as something that could potentially hinder or hold them back (in life), especially if they act on it at the wrong time.
Marriage may be a priority (in his future), but he wants his assets in place or certain things out of the way first. If this is worrisome for you, tenderly ask him for reassurance – that this milestone is important and hasn’t been repossessed or set aside by life’s other opportunities.
But, has he been using that as an excuse ongoing, say, for the last 10-15 years? If he’s been giving you the same shpeal for years and continually moving the goal post with no end in sight, that paints a different picture. If reaching that new height in commitment always seems to be placed on the back burner, it might be time to question his motives, sincerity and orientation surrounding marriage.
He’s afraid of letting go
Letting go (or committing to that degree) is a common worry for anyone. Many are perfectly happy knowing they spend the rest of their lives with that one person because they feel there’s more to gain than lose. For others, they may feel they will be giving up certain dreams, independence, limitlessness or options – as well as worrying over the risk of a failing marriage and leading to divorce.
You might also refer to letting go as in no turning back. Even I can admit, as much as I was ready to get married and was confident my husband was my person…there was that little residual apprehension in the back of my head saying, “There’s no going back – everything changes from here on out.“
In another post on my blog, The Likely Reason Why He Refuses To Get Married, several men commented saying “There’s nothing in it (marriage) for men anymore – we lose everything, period.“
The thing is, people have different views and beliefs on marriage, and what it represents. Many have been burned by marriage, obviously, and many have redefined marriage to suit their lifestyle and personal values. In many ways, marriage has been redefined with the aim to make it more comfortable and *less scary*; as a result – IMO – less significant and sacred.
Yet one thing is for certain and cannot change, which is the monogamous commitment of marriage. *Yes, I am excluding polyamorous relationships and marriage here.
Granted, if he’s been in a monogamous relationship with you for some time with no issues, you may be thinking that marriage should be no different. Except marriage is serious business since it is designed as binding, for legality reasons (and spiritual reasons, if you’re religious), whereas non-married relationships technically are not.
It could just be too much and/or too soon
To you, three months together might feel like three years, but it may not be the same for your partner. If you’ve slept together, moved in, met the parents, traveled, and made big purchases together all within six months – sure, it might feel like,
“We’re so in love – we just can’t wait to live our lives together!” Now you’re just waiting on the ring.
The bottom-line is it could be too much too soon when you’re operating in the relationship at a much faster pace than he is. I know that seems crazy because now you could be thinking, “Wait, so he could love me less than I love him?!” That’s not the point – it’s the fact that he may be able to navigate through those milestones in a relationship without an inkling of desire or consideration of marriage (yet).
Unfortunately, he may be able to live out these milestones more freely – you know, without the intent of a forever – since he may not equate living together as the same level of progression you do. It’s not that meeting the parents or moving in together isn’t important to him, but he may not see it as a steppingstone, or guarantee, to a bigger commitment.
AKA, to him living together doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get married let alone marry you.
And for some, yeah – ouch!
If this sounds like your predicament, here’s the tea. Brace yourself because it might be a little bitter on the tongue (as if what I’ve said hasn’t been already). You might, i.e, need to stop spending the night at each other’s place every night, live together or take as big of leaps as a couple if these things aren’t appealing or streamlining to, at the very least, an increasing desire for greater commitment.
Timing is everything for each individual, and time isn’t something you can rush if you’re living according to different timelines.
You’re obsessing over it
I get it. There comes a time when you know you’re undeniably ready – you feel like everyone around you is saying yes to the dress and I do…except you. It begins to feel daunting that you haven’t crossed that bridge yet, like as if you’re falling behind, your clock is ticking, and you’re no longer fitting in with your [now] married crew multiple babies in.
A natural reaction is to start making your desire and readiness more blatantly obvious. And maybe the signs are no longer subtle and more seemingly…threatening? It can come off as demanding or an ultimatum, which can be a turn-off even if you don’t mean it to come off that way. Certain behaviors can become [negatively] excessive in your partner’s eyes.
Relationships can back-track and be derailed because of this.
You go from patient to corrosive within the blink of an eye. And it can be emotionally taxing on your partner, even if he intends on marrying you. I mean, truthfully, no guy wants to go through the effort of proposing and then feel like they’re getting down on one knee because they have to, or as to tame the wild beast.
If your attitude has turned sour, it could be leaving him with more growing questions than certainty. With that, the natural response from your partner might be to take a step back for his own sake, if not rethinking the [current] meaning and foundation of the relationship altogether.
Just something to be more aware of.
He’s worried he won’t be able to measure up
The carrot size, the big wedding, the lavish lifestyle, the big dream house with a white picket fence, luxurious assets, six kids, two dogs, three cats – all of it. Some of you are laughing in your heads right now, or your chin dropped to the floor. Many of you will probably X out the tab after this one.
For starters, one reader told me I “lost” them at this point. Honestly, I rest my case.
Reality check: marriage isn’t about how much your partner is willing to spend or how much debt he’s willing to carry in order to *win* or *keep* you.
Your partner’s love isn’t measured by the carrot size, or how deep his pockets are. Most guys shy away from explaining to you the difference between your worth and what he can afford.
He can believe that you are deserving of the world and, at the same time, realistically understand he cannot give you that. He wants to give you everything he can, but not at the expense of having to hold both your heads above water.
Yet they don’t actually say this out loud – why? Because they’re afraid to disappoint you while also hoping their value is more than just what they can provide monetarily and materialistically.
That beautiful ring you keep eyeing and talking about – the one that costs more than his savings (if he has any) – could be making him question his own worth and the true value of marriage to you. It has nothing to do with him not wanting to give you exactly what you want – he also may not be comfortable emptying his bank account, working overtime indefinitely, or sacrificing his life savings to earn your “Yes“.
I’d say that’s fair. Just something to think about if you’re not on the same page financially or materialistically.
He’s worried marriage will change you
Marriage is for better and for worse, yes. It’s not if when but even when.
There will be times of our best and our worst. If your relationship is currently, or has been on the rocks lately, this could be what is laying unresolved in his mind.
Nonetheless, he’s afraid. This is a legitimate concern. And I’m not talking about the fact you’ll probably fluctuate in weight; you’re going to naturally age, go through many changes in life (big and small) and won’t always have a peachy-perfect attitude.
If you are with the guy who overly worries about you gaining weight – as a result of being married – then you really should question why you’re with that person to begin with.
But, here, I’m talking about current circumstances in your relationship that may ultimately contribute negatively to marriage down the road. Your partner wants to marry the person for the reasons he fell in love with, right?
Marriage isn’t just about growing old together – it’s also about growing together. Who you are now won’t be the same in 10, 15, 20 years. Because as we face milestones, hardship, major life decisions, grief, heartache, struggle, failure, and success – we all go through subtle changes to some degree. It doesn’t necessarily mean for the worst.
But if the desperate desire for that proposal or dream wedding negatively takes over the woman he fell in love with, or because you are convinced it will fix the current issues in your relationship, he may be worried you aren’t seeing the bigger picture in the relationship and of future commitment.
You act like an old married couple already
Everyone is likely guilty of this. I mean, what better way to know what married life is like without that piece of paper. Might as well see if the shoe fits, right?
I commend those who remain celibate or apart from living together until marriage. If I could go back in time, I definitely would have deeply considered honoring that route.
In this situation, he might be getting carried away by already established habits and with the understanding:
…We already act married, so why make it official? It’s just paper turning our relationship into a dispute over money.
…We’ve been together so long, so I just figured there was no reason.
…I don’t want to ruin what we have by getting married. Marriage leads to divorce more often today, anyhow – why ruin a good thing we have?
…If we love each other, why do we need marriage to confirm that? We’re both happy where we’re at – why shake things?
If you don’t get me, it’s like this:
Boyfriends should not be awarded ‘husband’ privileges. They are earned through the commitment of marriage.
He’s afraid of being a total failure
I think this is far more common than we acknowledge. Deep down, he could simply be petrified of failure – failing as a husband, failing you as his wife, failing at marriage, and ultimately this coinciding with failure in life.
This could be contributed to existing or ongoing problems in the relationship, having had unhealthy and traumatic past relationships and even how marriage was modeled for him growing up (i.e., whether his parents had a healthy marriage or went through a nasty divorce). All in all, divorce, for many people can be seen as a failure. Hence why marriage is never something to be taken and treated so lightly.
And yet, this fear may not exactly be expressed as directly or authentically as we hope, and oftentimes he might underestimate his fear and say it’s for other reasons. So, at the end of the day, hopefully you have a partner who is willing and can open up to you about what’s really going on in his head. It’s important to create that space for him to feel at ease to do so, especially without feeling judged.
You’re a “wifey”
I say this gently – not every woman is destined to be a wife, nor is it every woman’s desire. And that’s okay!
When you’re considered a wifey, in a literal sense, the intent of actually making you a wife is missing. Hopefully I can explain this better in a way that invokes meaning.
When I hear guys label their girlfriend (and women who label themselves) as a wifey, I hear deception, depreciation and manipulative trickery. The use of the term has more or less become a way of enabling and quietly “hushing” disrespect and inferiority. It’s spoken in order to take advantage of the true meaning while solely reaping the benefits without honoring the actual title.
A wifey is like a pretend or non-exclusive wife, so for guys who have twiddled their thumbs for years without getting down on one knee have merely gotten away with wife status without entering into a covenant.
While that is obviously the last thing a woman wants to hear when her boyfriend of 10+ years still hasn’t proposed, the moral of the story is that he’s cool with the wifey status rather than actually making the honest commitment. Don’t settle for being a wifey, and don’t allow a man to claim that title over you. You’re so much more than that.
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