I recently read on the grapevine of the interwebs that friendship is detrimental to marriage. Seriously, what a load of crock. I sat anxiously at my desk coming up with as many reasons WHY friendship is part of what MAKES my husband and I thrive.
Please, someone, please tell me how partnership is what solely drives any relationship and keeps it on the tracks in the long run?
A partnership is….essentially a business relationship. In the big scheme of things – there is likely a contract, a mutual guideline or understanding of broken down criteria that both parties consent and adhere to. It is formal, very formal, and is mostly impartial without any emotional ties. It’s a relationship strictly based on facts and, well, logistics, mostly pertaining to how the (business) relationship will be run.
Ew.
Don’t get me wrong – I do see how it’s necessary. As an over-analytical thinker…and do-er, I get it. I really do. It’s like trying to build a functional wooden box without a saw, nails and a hammer. So in that sense, a marriage – rather any relationship – requires a level of structure and order.
But I also see marriage as more than one side of the extreme – partnership being one side and friendship is the other. If you lean too far on either side of those extremes, you’ll inevitably deal with consequences for each.
Without the qualities of friendship, my husband and I would be like two passing ships in the night, like roommates or co-workers.
Granted, leaning too far into the friend-zone also has its own risks, but the implication that qualities of friendship in a marriage are detrimental is entirely false. It is literally the ever-growing foundation of our emotional connection. That is why it is so important that a marriage contain that perfectly blended balance of friendship and partnership.
6 Qualities of happy couples that are undervalued today
they make each other their top priority
This isn’t old news, though it is something well undervalued in today’s relationships. It’s also a standard, yet it also means encouraging one another’s tiered priorities.
I don’t care what anybody else says – your spouse should and always should be number one priority. Over your parents, siblings, friends, job, career, finances, hobbies, interests, desires, opportunities, choices and time.
You might call that extreme, but when you understand the true meaning of fully sharing your life with someone, and becoming one… you will naturally chose to place your spouse above all else. In doing so, this will never feel forced and you will also never feel you have sacrificed.
When I said that making each other a top priority is standard, there’s a bit more to it than that.
So my husband loves fishing. He could fish every day, all day if he could. When I came into the picture, I never demanded or insinuated that he love fishing any less. He simply chose and continues to choose to place me above his love for fishing. In turn it is also my duty to place my husband as a top priority – that includes encouraging and supporting his love for fishing.
It’s not about giving up other aspects of your life, or loving them any less. It simply means not one aspect becomes of greater significance over your spouse.
all doors in communication are always open
Every door is always open. Even the toughest doors – the one that creaks, gets jammed in the door frame, and is embarrassing to look at. Because what happens the moment one is shut, locked and impossible to open?
It’s something so commonly felt in relationships, because it will literally feel like a door was slammed shut in your face. Insecurity develops, trust becomes tested and ultimately it can lead to the inability to feel connected with your spouse on that deeper level. That’s why it often feels like your partner is shutting you out. Gone is the feeling that your spouse has nothing to hide or that they value the significance of openness, honesty and transparency, and the once reliable source of emotional support and dependability. All of which is likely to be detrimental to the relationship if it persists.
As a couple, you must be able to talk about all.the.things. Not just the good things, the self beneficial things, the alike-ness or on-the-same-page things, the white-lie things, the easy things, the comfortable things, the surface layer things, and the consistent Truman Show how-was-your-day-dear things, but also the hard things, the hurtful things, the prideful things, the deniable things, the scary, vulnerable things, the honorable things, the damaging things, the self defeating things, the conflicting things, the disagreeable things and unimaginable things.
Communication won’t thrive under only the best circumstances – it will require going beyond your comfort zone, listening apart from speaking, doing what is right over what is easy and being transparent in order to fulfill emotional intimacy through trust.
[Related Read: 4 Ways Transparency Creates Thriving Relationships (Part I of II)]
they forgive quickly
And no it doesn’t mean unacceptable behavior is excused or forgotten, nor is it like accepting an apology you never received while holding onto unresolved bitterness and resentment.
It means you are willing to relinquish those negative contributed emotions and allow yourself to heal. In a way, yes, it does often mean letting go of the past. Without genuine forgiveness, it will almost be impossible to feel fully reconnected to your spouse and will drive couples further away.
Couples who forgive themselves and each other frequently are likely to resolve conflict more effectively. This is because forgiveness is merely the understanding that you are capable of being hurt, and having the ability to relieve yourself of that pain.
Forgiveness can be mistaken as a way of weakness, but when it comes to relationships you need to recognize forgiveness as a promise to yourself that you won’t allow the pain caused by others to take control of your life’s happiness. Forgiveness is a strength with so much power all couples should practice.
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all decisions – big and small – are discussed, compromised and made together
Nothing is “I” or “me” anymore in terms of marriage. It’s our money, our house, and our life together. While maintaining an individual identity or sense of independence is still healthy, a strong marriage is one where most – if not all – decisions are relayed and considered together.
You know, as a team. That is marriage, after all.
That means I’m not going to go out and buy a new couch without consulting my husband first. But let’s not make this too extreme. It’s not like I need to tell my husband that I’m running to the grocery store.
The difference is that wanting to keep your spouse informed and valuing their input becomes a way of respect and a pleasure, not a sacrifice or sense of control.
you have one another’s back – no matter what
Which also means you lean and depend on each other. Not because you’re weak, incapable or dependent, but that you’re enabling yourself to be vulnerable with your spouse, strengthening the bond between you and reinforcing trust in your marriage.
Nonetheless, you always have your spouse’s best interest at heart, while you also aren’t afraid to hold them accountable appropriately. You defend them against others, even when they’re not around. Through their goals and dreams, successes and failures, you willfully give your undying support.
This – all of this – goes without saying that this role won’t always be 100%, nor will it always feel equal. A healthy couple knows this is temporary – that while one spouse may be falling behind, you pick up one another’s slack without holding it against them.
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you pray for one another
You don’t need to take this religiously, or you can. The point being you simply want the very best for your spouse – always. You want them to have the utmost joy and happiness, and direction to succeed in life. With that, you understand that perfection is unreachable – in marriage and in a partner.
You fully embrace the fact, as human, you and him are bound to make mistakes and lack optimal judgement. These imperfections don’t come without a cost – rash feelings of distrust, irritability and discomfort – but you pray in that you will both overcome any obstacle. More importantly, in prayer, you are constantly reminded of one thing.
The problems you face, you face together, and those problems are a separate entity in your marriage. In other words, you don’t jump ship when something becomes an inconvenience. In this ship, you fend for one another, no matter whose side of the boat is sinking. It’s you and your spouse against that entity – together.
So during those tough times, you pray for your spouse more. No matter how selfish, annoying, hurtful, prideful or cynical he may be or has become – there’s still that part of you who strives to be the better example of the spouse he and you deserves.