Ever notice you have become a magnet for certain types of guys in your love life? Maybe it has nothing to do with your relationships, but just people that come and go in your life – period.
I noticed this pattern for me in High School – it took me nearly all four years to figure out. I was, and still am, a shy, socially awkward individual – though, those who know me well would probably think otherwise. I was never really one to speak unless spoken to. Having this personality, even now, I feel is like a portal for those who are looking for verbal sanctuary, or manipulators.
What those people fail to realize is that just because I don’t talk a lot aloud – doesn’t mean I am not actually processing what is being said.
Hence why many would also agree that I am a great listener – the best when it comes to keeping secrets. I was the secret keeper in the group. Although I was never really great at consolation (another socially awkward tendency – yayyyy…), I am that person those seek out for advice or to simply vent.
I was also that girl most guys labeled as intimidating. See, and I never minded it. I enjoyed it, actually. Most guys were never easily able to read into my feelings, nor did I really wear my heart on my sleeve so those with vile intentions knew I was guarded. Sure, many guys loved the challenge – to try and crack me, so to speak.
Because of that I never “attracted” much of the bad boys or the cheaters, liars, moochers, or emotionally controlling chameleons who knew just what to do or say to win or play me. They knew I could read into their bulls***, so I wasn’t worth the trouble.
You know who I did attract? The quirky, funny, fun-loving, shy, smart, boyish, nerdy, nervous yet considerate, sometimes inexperienced… nice guys. In any case, I guess you could say I was a complete sucker for the guy who treated me like a human being – not property, a toy, a challenge or conquest, or a piece of meat.
So could it be true – that who you attract be driven by personality? Absolutely. Might it also be a repetitive dating and behavior pattern or sense of worth in dating? Absolutely, yes. There’s more to why you may be attracting the wrong people, and this is your chance to take full control of your love life and those who enter it.
7 reasons why you
attract the wrong guys
[+ the same failing type]
you fully invest in the same, failing type
Key words here – fully invest.
You give your all – too much, too soon – in the type you know isn’t even right for you. You ignore it anyway because the common denominator is all you know. This same type is comfortable and predictable, even if you suspect the same repeated result. Soon enough these types of people will be able to sense this insecurity in you – they will find you and lure you in knowing they can tear you apart and take advantage.
Stop giving what you know isn’t good for you the time of day.
[Related Read: 7 Signs Your Type Is The Wrong Guy For You – Period]
you will settle just to have someone
And this can become an addiction. The addiction of simply finding and settling for someone, anyone, for the sake of having companionship. But I’ll bet it isn’t always the companionship you’re looking for. Instead it becomes that vicious cycle leading you to always say, “Why do I have such bad luck with guys?” It’s not bad luck – it’s choice. More than likely if you’re having this terrible luck repetitively, it’s because you’re ignoring or justifying clear signs and red flags of a person’s character and moral judgement.
You have every right to be picky, you know. Besides, if you are constantly needing the reassurance of your worth from someone else you’ll never actually determine your own worth.
you’re sending mixed signals and/or wrong impressions
What you say, do, give and show can and will likely have a completely different meaning and message to someone else than what you intended. This topic is being put on a pedestal lately. For example about how women should be able to dress without the assumption that they’re “asking for it” (sexually, so to speak).
As a woman in my early twenties, dating, the way a man dressed was definitely something I took into personal consideration. If a guy was in the club with his shirt off, he was someone I avoided at all costs. Sure, am I judging a book based on it’s cover? Probably, but the thing is – I, myself, would never set foot in the club shirtless. So that leaves me in question of his overall character, and it just isn’t worth my time looking into.
Maybe he is an all around great guy, but he gave me a negative perception and a distasteful impression overall.
Granted, I wasn’t innocent, either. I wore short skirts, skimpy low-cut tops and mile high heels. There was also a point in my life where I didn’t care what others thought of what I wore. I enjoyed my dress appearance – yes, even for the attention. Let’s be real here – we are kidding ourselves if some of our wardrobe choices are solely for self appeasement.
But it wasn’t long before I really began to realize that I was attracting the pool of guys I no longer wanted attention from. For me, it felt like I was sending mixed signals to the guys I was hoping to attract and giving the wrong impression to those who obviously perceived me as someone open to having a good time (when I wasn’t).
So here’s what I think: dress however you like, but just know that how you dress is your choice and the way others perceive you by the way you dress is their prerogative. And I’m only using attire as one example. Again, what you say, do, give, and show can, and will likely, have a completely different meaning and message to someone else than what you intend. You need to be clear with your words, body language, actions and intentions when it comes to who you want to attract.
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you are looking in all the wrong places
If you’re only picking up one failing prospect after the next from the bar or with every new co-worker at your job, isn’t that enough of a sign to try another tactic? Again, consider the mixed signals. It isn’t uncommon for many to think that finding someone at a bar is the trademark for being a “one night stand”. Or that flirting and sleeping on and off with your coworker is just an easy way for a non-serious, loosey-goosey release of sexual tension.
I’m not saying go to church to find Mr. Right. I mean, you could. But what I’m saying is think back on where you met all the people you’ve been with in the past. If there is a common denominator, strip it from your dating lifestyle.
“That’s OK, I can strike up conversation with someone at the grocery store…” – said no one EVER.
I get it, meeting new people today is seemingly more difficult thanks to social media and technology.
I can vouch for that, but that’s where you would need to refer back to the first two, or three topics of this post. Change up your scouting routine. There are actually plenty of ways to “make yourself available” to people that don’t involve alcohol or the common workplace. It’s going to involve something you go out of your way to avoid in the first place – possible rejection.
Guess what? Being rejected is way better than settling, getting heart broken and having wasted weeks or months of your time.
you are unclear on what you really want
Maybe you have a one night stand, then realize you have more feelings for that person. A few weeks later, you tell him he’s not being serious enough, that you’re looking to get married down the road and you have officially scared him off from thinking you were only after some casual fling.
The only way you are ever going to find happiness with someone and true happiness with anyone is first knowing what exactly it is you are looking for. What your intentions are and your expectations from someone in this very point of your life.
If you know for a fact that he just wants to casually date, while you go in with the hope for a future (marriage), you are basically digging your own grave. It would only make sense that if you are seeking a relationship, you should only commit to someone with the same core values and intentions. And if your intentions are only to casually date, without the weight of commitment, respect the other person’s feelings if they are looking for more out of the deal.
[Related Read: Why Marrying Someone With Similar Core Values Was The Best Decision I Ever Made]
having low standards and self confidence will get’cha
Combine everything that has been discussed above, and your dating resume might read:
“I’m not picky – I’m pretty easy to please, actually – because I wear my heart on my sleeve (but in a way where I give anyone and everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if it is wrong for me). I just want to be loved, and I’m willing to give it all without respect in return. So I will generally conform to what the other person wants from me just to please them – even if that is short lived, and hurtful in the end. Yet, I pick myself up and go back to the same thing for more (I still haven’t learned my lesson yet). Hence why most of my dating experiences and relationships have been premature, immature, and self destructive.”
To a genuinely good man – that resume is going to read as one of two things: emotionally unstable or desperate. Neither of which are positive aspects for a healthy relationship. It’s crucial to enter companionship or a commitment with goals and expectations in mind. When and if they are not being met – bring to attention. Don’t let dissatisfaction become something to accept, or be normalcy, in your love life.
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the good guys are “too nice” in your eyes
And by “too nice“, I mean as in not challenging enough, too predictable, and labeled as “boring“. It’s important to remember that the good guys are the ones who have respect, dignity, compassion, emotions, motivation in life and relationships, consideration, and good morals – while can also have confident, fun, decisive and mysterious qualities. Those qualities are never given enough time to surface because, well, nice guys are too easy to read from the beginning.
They are, for lack of better words, vanilla.
Eessh, and I can’t believe I said that. Because by the time I reached my mid twenties, I was literally dyinnnnnggggggg for vanilla in my life. And here’s the thing – there are all kinds of ways to make a mean sundae with vanilla, but you can never play down or simplify chocolate.
I can’t believe I’m comparing my husband to ice cream. But here it goes: my husband is the vanilla guy – he was vanilla the day I met him. And thank god, I thought. But from that first date – our entire relationship has been a banana split with chocolate sauce, sprinkles and whipped cream ever since.
Get it now?
There will come a point in time where the rebellious, unhinged, immaturely daring and wild, selfish, cocky, entitled, indifferent, arrogant, dominant tease is suddenly not going to fulfill what you were ultimately after all along – Love.
Remember: the qualities you settle for are a good indicator as to the kind of people you attract in your love life.
