That’s right – I chose a partner based heavily on similar or shared core values. The funny thing is none of this really mattered to me – in a partner – at 19, 20, 21 years old. But something changed for me – at my core – around the age of 25, following a call to heal from generational conditioning as well as trauma from my past relationships.
Little did I know this would trigger a massive, rebirthing kind of awakening for me in my early thirties. I won’t go too deep into that in this post, but needless to say my eyes opened to the true meaning of marriage, life-long partnership, what Love *is*, and the importance of marrying someone with similar core values.
Was this easy to find? Not exactly. And I don’t think it’s designed to be, since ultimately we’re choosing a partner and being a partner. We have to stop looking at this from the angle of settlement – the *world* loves to spew the extremes of each side, “Never settle!” or “You’re going to have to choose someone and be happy with it.” Yes, there’s logic in that you will *never* find that perfect person, or partner, but avoid leaning on either sides of the worldview extremes. You’re going to have to *choose*, yes, but choose *wisely*.
So when I talk about core values – I’m not simply talking about religion and political beliefs, but from a financial, intellectual, familial and spiritual standpoint as well as the in-betweens such as logistics, boundaries, lifestyle, gender roles, partnership, child bearing and rearing, long and short term life goals and even fidelity.
I’m not saying my husband and I are to THE TEE alike, but we are in more ways than one on the important stuff. We also differ in ways that compliment each other and the relationship. Only now I firmly believe God gives us the partner we *need* while we tend to seek the partner we *want*/desire.
Oftentimes we wind up choosing the wrong relationship or a partner that only ends up feeding the very parts of ourselves that are *sick* (unhealthy). I, too, sought after and chose men who were nothing like my husband, while my husband was actually someone I was hesitant (and a bit resistant) to be with – simply because he wasn’t anything like others. And for good reason.
As for the kind of [past] partners I sought after, core values were seemingly insignificant at the time because I was so focused on finding someone who would unconsciously *fix* my brokenness or fill this void for me (in who I thought I wanted in order to feel *loved*). It wasn’t until later in my life I discovered my intense value for intellectual and spiritual connection – something I had never experienced with any of my past relationships.
Maybe you ask: why should your differences in values matter, as long as you love and accept one another? I’ll explain more, and why it was the best decision I ever made in choosing a life partner.
marrying someone with similar core values was the best decision i ever made
We have a more open line of communication
Yes, my husband and I do share very similar religious and political beliefs (to get that out of the way), but like I said – those aren’t the only focus. We have, oddly enough, the same outlook on monogamy, marriage and it’s morals and values, and everything between the lines of what it means to be a faithful spouse. Though there are subtle differences elsewhere, the crucial aspect we share from our common values is being able to openly talk about sensitive and controversial topics that, for many couples, typically end in a heated debate or persistent feud.
Are we *perfect* when it comes to communication? Absolutely not. Nobody is, at least not all the time. Yet there’s rarely a time I feel I can’t share or talk about something with my husband (for fear). That said, I couldn’t bear being with someone where I felt I had to *keep quiet* in the face of certain discussions or concerns where we differ. When it comes down to our nitty gritty differences (and believe me, we have them), most of the time – again, not perfect – we’re able to agree to disagree while maintaining healthy discussion without sabotaging intimacy (feeling connected).
I don’t want to say that because we share similar core values that we have a better understanding of one another, but it certainly feels that way. There is that sense of stability and security there. And I do believe it is a major contribution in our ability to empathize and share compassion with one another, especially surrounding our unique differences. With that, we learn to be more prepared when inevitable changes arise and we face them together.
I don’t fear pressure to change, or being wronged
Or to *not* change, too, which is pretty important because I do feel we live among a society that heavily demands tolerance and acceptance *at whatever cost or expense* necessary. Yeah, I went there. This also means I relinquish the mindset of, “Whatever I believe my husband also *must* believe, too,” by way of expecting or forcing him to change through ultimatum.
That’s besides the point. Our core values, in life and in marriage, are very unlikely to change, anyway. So I really have nothing to fear about my husband suddenly changing his beliefs on infidelity. And, LBR, I couldn’t imagine sharing my life with someone where literally every. single. aspect of our morals had to be an automatic compromise. To be more honest, I think there are certain standards, morals and values we should never have to compromise to begin with (eek, I might be digging myself a hole on that one). But, no, really.
Before having met my husband, that fear always had a bit of a grip on me, especially having experienced some pretty unhealthy relationships in the past. I hated the idea of being (or having to be) someone I’m not, or being wronged, invalidated, and abandoned for having my own ideas, thoughts, opinions and beliefs. I was never *open* to the idea of converting my religion for marriage, nor did I have the desire to bound, confine or stow away certain political or marital values for the sake of being agreeable, acceptable and tolerable.
The thing is…I’ve been that person my entire life! I’ve always been the person (and child) who kept to myself, observed from the sidelines, stayed quiet in the wake of others, and made myself small and soft (a comfy place for others to *land*, or take advantage in the process). Sure, I do enjoy taking a stand on what I believe, but I tend to do so quietly. And I blame fear and shame for that.
Yet, as I got older, I knew I didn’t want to be with someone who took that quality about me for granted – using my soft spokenness to their advantage or gain, by reinforcing me to stay that way. And I certainly wasn’t looking for a partner who would shut me up when I did happen to find and use my voice. I needed someone who could truly see me through the depths of my soul and not for what I *seemed* like on the outside or what I *should* think and believe, according to the world. You know, the whole go along to get along or blending in with the mainstream regime.
And from previous relationship experience, I feared that was going to be difficult to find since I usually chose people I could *morph* with (and enabled me to morph to them) rather than someone who brought out [encouraged] the real me, and loved me for it.
With my husband and I having similar core values, I don’t fear being wronged or judged – even for our differences. I am encouraged to be my own individual, without the pressure or guilt to convert to one way or the highway.
There’s an understood level of respect for one another
[mailerlite_form form_id=23]I think respect also gives us a deepened sense of security in marriage. Although we know how impractical it is to be exactly alike, in turn, our subtle differences actually bring us closer together through way of respect. So you could say our core values that we do share contribute to a major part of our emotional connection.
It allows us to connect more effectively, which makes our subtle differences seem like a fart in the wind (if you catch my drift). And because of that, we focus more on and appreciate the significant values we share and unique qualities in one another. Maybe it’s just me, but mutual respect encourages us to strive for one another’s fullest potential or just fullness, in general, which is crucial in a marriage. You know, the filling of one another’s cup but also the willingness to fill our own cups. Because it’s unrealistic to believe and assume our partner is solely responsible and has the capacity to do that, in full, 24/7.
I’m not going to lie, marrying someone with similar core values really does seem to make the ‘filling of one’s cup’ that much more seamless and effortless. Believe me, there are times where we slack, but with mutual respect comes mutual grace for one another. And that is such a beautiful and undermined thing in the ups and downs, or hills and lulls of marriage.
Sure, many couples with different core values are out there – are doing just fine – and I commend them. I’m just not the suitable person for that type of relationship, or partner. It was a choice I had to make for myself early on, and to throw caution to the wind. Bottom line for me: it was well worth the risk, oftentimes the backlash, and the wait.
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